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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: when does the pain stop
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

He was in love witb another woman for 8 years of our 10 yeaf relationship. Her name would come up at least once a year and I always wondered if he regretted not going to her. 8 years of wondering if she was the one he wanted and pushing that thought away. 5 years of wondering why I wasn't good enough to marry or have kids with. I believed him that he wanted to give me the perfect wedding. But there was always an excuse, except the truth, he wasn't 100% abou me because part of him loved someone else. Why would you marry me!? The only time you proposed was when you thought I was leaving you. I got a proposal to keep me around, it was a bargaining tool. You fucking fool, I adored you and yet I let you treat me like I was second best, the one thing I wanted you could never give me. I loved you I loved you I still love you but I think I will forever feel like I was your consolation prize.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2760 | Registered: Oct 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

The only time you proposed was when you thought I was leaving you. I got a proposal to keep me around, it was a bargaining tool.
He manipulated and controlled you with that proposal. You see that, right? The timing of it - when he thought you were leaving? It sounds like it was meant to keep you in place.

It takes time to process this stuff, but processing it and seeing the truth of things is the path to healing and ending the pain.

((((Unagie))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25716 | Registered: Aug 2011
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

I know NIK, I know


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2760 | Registered: Oct 2012
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

I'm sorry. Emotional post. Glad you got it out and you realize now what you did not before. I have no answers other than time! Oh and healthy choices so you can have the strength you need to navigate through this. All the best.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 678 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

((((HUGS))))

The anger is good. It is helpful. It's healing. It offers clarity & motivation for positive change.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9821 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

It takes time to process this stuff, but processing it and seeing the truth of things is the path to healing and ending the pain.

^^THIS. A thousand times this.

I doubt he loved the other woman any more than any WS loves any AP. Its the same rainbows an unicorns - nothing is different.

Telling you about it was a form of emotional abuse.

People in this mindset are incapable of love. It has nothing to do with us - our love doesn't fix it or make it worse. It merely helps them manipulate us more easily and for longer.

Right now you're looking at him and trying to work out why he did or didn't do X, Y, Z. There will come a time where you'll need to examine why you didn't love yourself enough to put a stop to this abuse. That is where I am at right now.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope you can distance yourself from him physically soon. That will help your healing enormously.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

Thanks and I think I might be ready to say and mean fuck that guy. Fuck him for being a fool and an idiot for not seeing what he had with me. Fuck him for seeing me go through depression and nervous breakdowns and never trying to even ask if it went deeper then the surface reasons. Fuck him for loving someone else for the majority of our time together. Fuck him for falling in love with someone who was my fucking friend and fuck her too. Fuck him for making me feel bad about asking them to end their relationship. Fuck him for making me feel guilty for not comforting him a few months ago when he confessed to "realizing" he's loved her all these years and I was sitting there gutted and literally gasping for air. Fuck him fuck him fuck him fuck him!!!! FUCK!!! You wonder you fucktard why my BFF thinks you don't deserve me despite my actiosn!? THAT'S WHY!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!

ETA: Holy shit that felt good.

[This message edited by Unagie at 4:40 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2760 | Registered: Oct 2012
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

that was awesome! it sounded like it felt great! I read it and I felt great!


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 678 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Iamhappytoday
Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

I didn't know one post could contain so much awesomeness!

Now I can watch football in a MUCH better mood!

Good for you!


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

Whooooo HOooooo!!! Go girl! Righteous anger warms my heart.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

Didn't know I had it in me.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2760 | Registered: Oct 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

We did, sweetie.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25716 | Registered: Aug 2011
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

Now its time to walk away and never turn back. Keep working on you - growing and healing. Leave that fucker to the dust.

When are you moving?


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

That depends on money....always depends on money. It'll cost less to move to my family but it'll still cost money I dont yet have. Been out of work for over a week too because of bronchitis. I'm doing what is necessary though.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2760 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 14