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User Topic: What do I say?
lisaloo
Member
Member # 20082
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

Today has been so very long...if it weren't for great coworkers, I wouldn't have made it without dissolving into a sleep deprived mess of tears. But my day is almost over, and I have to go home to WH and DD....I have no idea what to say or do. I mean, I should know the 180 backwards and forwards by now, but all previous times this crap happened WH was away with the military when I found out. I had time to cry and grieve and tear things up in private...I can't do that now. He's home. How do I do this? What do I say? I'm so petrified of going home that I am literally shaking when I think about it. I need things to be as normal as possible for our daughter...but HOW? How can I even talk to him when he's still saying that he did nothing wrong, and it's my fault for not letting him be himself (blah blah blame shift)...


Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house separation...fun, fun, fun.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: AL
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

You have every right to let him know you need some time & space in your head without him there. You need to process your thoughts without him intruding.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9299 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

I am so sorry he did this to you again. You don't need to say anything. Take car of you and your child.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2608 | Registered: Jan 2010
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

How can I even talk to him when he's still saying that he did nothing wrong, and it's my fault for not letting him be himself

If that's his attitude after all you're d-days then maybe a calm, "you need to leave or we will" should be enough.

I'm so sorry he's still hurting you.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣


Posts: 10988 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
lisaloo
Member
Member # 20082
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

I about had a come apart when I got home...the last guest from a big BBQ/game/whatever get together was leaving our house...I couldn't fathom that while I was miserable, and fighting off tears all day at work, he was feeling up to a party. It was mortifying...and embarrassing. We ended up "talking" and he's admitted that he lied and that the deceit was wrong, but he maintains that the relationship that exists between he and this female coworker is not inappropriate...in fact, she and her husband were at his little gathering last night. That felt like a deliberate smack in the face...at any rate, he blames me and my previous reaction to him texting and talking to a female soldier in his unit (she was having marital problems and reaching out to my husband, and I told him that was dangerous and inappropriate and it needed to stop). He says he's tired of losing friends because I am "being ridiculous" thinking that men and women can't be friends. I just don't understand how, especially given his history, he can think that it's ok to be gmail chatting with a female coworker all day and meeting up after work to walk ( though he swears another coworker was coming to meet up with them...I don't believe it, since that coworker is the place he disappeared to the night everything happened. I figure he just agreed to be an alibi). I don't understand him...anyhow, most of our talk was me listening to him tell me all the reasons he's unhappy and having him tell me he loves me but he doesn't like me...I told him that feeling was mutual. The elders in our church are supposed to be coming over tomorrow to have a sit down with him...I'm hoping that having respected members of our church explain to him how this is inappropriate will help, but I just don't know if he can step out of his selfish haze long enough to hear. As for now, we have a sort of truce while in the house...this just sucks.


Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house separation...fun, fun, fun.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: AL
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

How is he as a father? Did he ever involve your DD in any of his A's? Is he attentive when she's with him and is he fair?

I ask because, considering the way he's acting (he's still an active wayward), and since he's HOME acting this way, the 180 can be extra-challenging (but even more important right now). If you need some time and space to YOURself and he's a good father, let him watch DD while you take that time and space for yourself. He'll be actually taking some responsibility by watching her, she'll get time with him, and he won't be able to bother you or talk to the OW(s?) if he's being attentive to her. You'll get some time off.

Or, you and your DD can find something wonderful to do. If he's in la-la-land, then spend time with her instead. It might feel grounding to both of you. How old is she? Does she know about what he did?

You don't have to say anything to him. In fact, it might be better to let him deal with his delusions without you as an audience. Just keep taking care of yourself, come here when you're struggling. He is an active wayward who does not appear to want to change.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 6:31 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3882 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
lisaloo
Member
Member # 20082
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

DD is 8, and she KNOWS something is up with her parents, but not what. WH is actually an excellent father- he's with her all weekend since I work 12 hour shifts at the hospital, and he's just a great dad-aside from treating DDs mom like crap of late. He would actually be a damn good husband if he could just be content enough with the ups and downs of life , instead of seeking external validation from OW when he's not getting what he thinks he needs to have every single need met every second of the day.


Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house separation...fun, fun, fun.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: AL
Topic Posts: 7