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User Topic: How do I handle this?
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

Crazy days. If you've been following my story (yes, it is awesome-lol), my WS and I signed the papers 2 weeks ago. Haven't heard anything from the court yet so not sure what is going on there.
After signing them my WS flipped out (he seemed calm when we signed), and has now been hoovering bigger than any hoover in the history of hoovers.
He sends me novel length texts every few hours. Shows up places where I am (laundromat, work, my apt at 1am) wanting to talk. Sometimes I can't get out of it because I can't leave (laundry in the dryer).
Other times I refuse to let him in.
He wants to love me, he knows we can make it work...etc.etc.etc.
I heard from my son's girlfriend that he was sitting with OW at Cracker Barrel the other day. Supposedly she grabbed his sleeve as he walked by (his story) and he sat down so as not to make a scene, telling her that he's devoted to me and the boys and to leave him alone. (who knows what really happened, I am tired of trying to figure it out)
I have been telling him the same thing: I am done, I am not where you are, I am moving on, I am not rescinding the divorce. Love is not enough.
In fact, I went out on a date yesterday. He was freaking out at first (my kids told him) but finally by the end of the night he told me to have a good time and that he is not done fighting.
He is desperately trying to keep me from falling for someone else. I don't know what else to tell him besides "I AM DONE, I signed papers!"
He bought 2 shirts that say something about "I will fight each day" and wore one over here to drop off the boys stuff.
He brought me flowers and a candybar just now as well. He was on his knees here earlier today begging me, weeping, for me to work on things with him.
I've asked 3 of his friends to check on him daily as I know he is having trouble coping. I refuse to talk to him "about" our relationship besides saying I don't want to work on it.
He keeps saying that his issues are "fixed" and that he knows if I just look deep inside my heart that we can mend our marriage, he will do the work.
He told me today he was going to change his phone number because OW has texted him recently, then went and did it a few hours later. He picked a number with our wedding date in it...
Do I just keep on the same track, gentle 180?
Any other suggestions?

For clarity: my date was just hanging out with a guy, nothing serious. I needed to get my mind off things and I am sick of thinking about all of this crap day in and day out. It's been 7 months of roller coaster and the papers are signed and should be through any day. It was the first time in 18 years I've been out with someone other than my STBX. It was a lot of fun and I do NOT regret it one bit!
ETA: I have always been really open with my kids...but I am realizing now that I will have to start censoring myself. I don't need any more drama going back and forth between the houses for them. :(

[This message edited by myperfectlife at 6:38 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, November 9th (Saturday)


He is
hoovering bigger than any hoover in the history of hoovers.

Stay the course.
Minimize contact.
Become boring, use one-word responses.
Don't engage.
Kids and finances only.

Interesting how consequences, not character create such change...


Posts: 6617 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

If you're still asking people to check in on him, you're not detached enough.

You're going out on a date & letting your kids know? Tsk tsk tsk, this is a horrible thing to do to your kids. Please don't do that again. Right? Think of what that does to a child's psyche.

I like your line about this being the biggest hoover in the history of hoovers. That's funny!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9715 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

If you really want him to stop, tell him that if he doesn't stop, you'll get a restraining order. And then follow through.

His actions concern me. Showing up at the laundr-o-mat? So he's following you? At your door at 1 am? It all sounds very stalkerish.

Be crystal clear about what you want and then follow through. Don't let this build any further.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25532 | Registered: Aug 2011
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

You're going out on a date & letting your kids know?

This is why I ETA that I've always been open with my kids and will have to begin censoring myself.
FYI- The divorce should be final this week. I am not going to keep dating a secret forever.
My kids are 12,14 and 16 and know all about this situation unfortunately since we all live in a very small town and EVERYONE knows our business.

I am asking people to check on him because he's the father of my children and I don't want him to do anything drastic.
I am not a cold hearted bitch who wants him to kill himself.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

myperfectlife, your husband never ceases to amaze me. All this crying and begging and yet, bottom line;

I heard from my son's girlfriend that he was sitting with OW at Cracker Barrel the other day.

A.M.A.Z.I.N.G


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

sinsof thefather...
Right?
Exactly.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 7