SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: I don't understand
Iamhappytoday
Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

I don't understand how anyone survives this. I don't understand how everyone pulls off the 180. I am continually failing on that and so many other fronts. I'm sorry, but everyone has their limits. I am reaching mine. Infertility? Done it. Deployments? Happily waited for him numerous times over the years. IVF? Done and blessed.
But this? On top of being deserted through four years of hunting seasons, numerous deployments, and the newest lies I discovered this weekend?
I'm sorry, but who can do this? I am reaching a line I am afraid to cross, but feel helpless to avoid.
I am smart, intelligent, capable, yet ultimately I can't survive everything.

I just can't.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Iamhappytoday
Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

Sorry for the rant.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

No need to apologize. We have all been there.

How do I survive personally? Anti-Depressants and a two day stay in the psych ward. For my own well being I am excising STBXH from my life like a malignant tumor.

It's ridiculous what these SOBs (and DOBs) put us through.

((hugs))


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1540 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Iamhappytoday
Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

It's awful, isn't it?
it just breaks my heart. I try so hard to do the right thing and rely on my own self. Erosion of faith, fragile and weird as it may seem, sometimes lends to the heartbreak and is truly gut-wrenching, despite of what I have to be thankful for.

This weekend I hit a bulls-eye with a bow and arrow that had nothing more than string and no sight-lines. It was so fun. I found out that two weeks from now my twin's godmother's are taking me to an incredible restaurant for my 39th bday. But I also found more lies and harm this week, and I feel sad and spent. Just...grrrrrrrr!

I hate this. Thank you for listening.

[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 11:24 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

(((((Iamhappytoday))))) Yes, you are smart, intelligent, capable AND you are HUMAN. I am so sorry you are having a rough time. Believe it or not, it will pass. It is true for many of us that the days after dday are much much worse than dday. Too much lies, more betrayal, more hurt. Ugh. Hugs and continue to look forward to your special birthday!!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2117 | Registered: Oct 2012
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, November 11th (Monday)

take the word can't out of your vocabulary, you can and will!!! I am sorry


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 610 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Iamhappytoday
Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, November 11th (Monday)

I'm sorry. I was so down I called military one source and the national suicide hotline and they both said they couldn't help.

It was a great night.

I am still here, just bruised.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, November 11th (Monday)

(((Iamhappytoday)))

It does eventually get better, just takes a long while.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 730 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, November 11th (Monday)

Do you mean emotionally bruised or physically? Please know you are important to a lot of people. Your

Have you been to see your Dr? I strongly urge you to do so. You don't have to do this with willpower alone.

You absolutely will survive this. You will.

All of us can relate to that feeling that this is simply too much. Too.Much.

Too painful. Too big. The devastation was too complete.

Too... all encompassing. I felt like the world had gone nuts. Why was everyone walking around like the earth hadn't swallowed me up? I still remember that eerie feeling that I had disconnected from the world around me. Couldn't anyone else feel the seismic change.

I honestly thought I would die of heartbreak. I really did.

Eventually I noticed the pattern - I'd start feeling stronger, break NC then back down into the quicksand I would go.

Whilst I kept jumping into the drama I was sucked back into the crazy. Every.Single.Time.

That is what eventually helped me stick to strict NC. These days I am astonished that I could have been in that place because of that guy. That guy? THAT guy? No.

A book that has helped me enormously is "Journey from Abandonment to Healing". The things I was feeling and the roller coaster of emotions I was going through wasn't just about that M or that WH - it also brought up long-dormant issues of abandonment and betrayal.

This feeling does not last. Time doesn't heal on its own - it is something you have to work hard at. Starting is the hardest part.

With the help of a great IC to get me through the very rough parts, SI and an amazing support network I plugged right back into me and the world around me.

You can. You will.

((Iamhappytoday))


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5420 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, November 11th (Monday)

The 180 is one of those things you fake it till you make it. You just go through the motions at first but then you realize how it protects you and it just becomes the way you are. I am pulling off a friendly 180 at the moment and can''t believe it cause I''m hurt and angry. Having my little one and my job to focus on help.

It''s one of those times when you have to remember that which does not kill you makes you stronger. You will make it through and you will be shocked and proud at the life you will build for yourself. This cold hearted cheater will not break you.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 935 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, November 11th (Monday)

(((Iamhappytoday))))

Oh, I've done it all. IVF, even did donated eggs from my sister (ended up preg. via the natural way and lots of drugs…) miscarriages, giving up my career, then I followed him all over the US for his job while he travelled 50% of the time, depleting all of my inheritance on big houses he insisted on buying…THEN I find out he is gay and having gay affairs??

It was mind boggling. I was ANGRY. VERY ANGRY.

But, I started therapy and had someone to vent to. I MADE a direction in my life and just took a year to myself while I made huge changes. I was/am determined to move forward.

It is the art of letting go. It hurts, but it can be done.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4028 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Iamhappytoday
Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 11th (Monday)

You are all so correct. I am starting fresh NC today. I am not physically bruised, but emotionally I just totally plummeted this weekend.
Finding secret credit cards and dealing with his various BS sent me around the bend a bit and I don't know what I would do without the support here and from my family and friends.

I hate the feeling of being overwhelmed and untethered.

It's getting better, just hit a speed bump.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, November 11th (Monday)

Good to hear Iamhappytoday! Those speed bumps should come with warning signs! It can feel like a fucking cliff! I'm sorry that both the suicide hotline and military one source could not help … or at least listen. What is the point of having those resources when they don't even help? I am glad you are still here. You did it! You survived yesterday!! You can do it!

Would you consider seeing your doctor? In the beginning, I needed xanax to be able to get through the darkest days when I didn't know how I would survive the next 10 minutes.

Hugs to you!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2117 | Registered: Oct 2012
Iamhappytoday
Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, November 11th (Monday)

Sorry for the short response earlier, but I wanted to take a moment to say how much I really appreciate all of your responses and that I have learned something from each.

My kids will be returning in about half an hour, and I will be working very, very hard to pretend I am distant. Kinda difficult after failed NC Friday and Sunday, but gotta start somewhere.

I am so thankful that as horrific some folks can be, to be supported so greatly and have a resource such as this renews my spirits a bit. :)


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Topic Posts: 14