SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: Oops, my bad
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, November 11th (Monday)

I stupidly thought that since everyone wasn't cranked up on cray-cray, that it was "ok". I mean "ok" in a very loose term because the underlying issues are faaarrrr from being fixed.

We're in a new, weird normal with my FOO. There is communication between Mother and I, but it's still a little strange. Last week I got very sick. I'd called Mother to ask which doctor she used and to get their phone number. Got off with her, called the doctor, made an appointment, and she texts me, "Let me know if you need me to take you."

I stupidly took her up on the offer. Went to the doctor, stopped at the pharmacy, went back home. Two days later, I was feeling some better and she and I ran to a store together.

Last night I find out she told my sister, "She only calls me when she needs something and wants me to take her to the doctor." What!? She asked me. She offered. I did not ask. I didn't hint. I didn't beg. Nothing. But she lied to my sister and told her that I asked her to take me to the doctor.

There were also comments made about the fact that there wasn't an official birthday party for DS and I. Mother saw presents on my sister's counter for us and she huffed, "I don't know what the deal is. I finally just sent over gifts and a pie."

No. She passive-aggressively sent that stuff over to our house because she was forcing my hand in communicating with her. She "put the ball in my court". She opened up communication with my sister, but then wouldn't do it with me. She wanted me to be the first to break the silence.

There was an event last night. Someone asked her a question about me and she said, "Well you know, they grow up and think they don't have to listen to their mom anymore..."

What!?!?

Quite honestly, I don't have to listen to her. If I want to shave my head bald, get a tattoo of a smurf on my scalp, get gauges in my ears, and get a septum piercing, I can. If QS and I want to move to a commune, stop showering and shaving, and smoke pot every day, all day, we can. If I choose to go on a trip over a holiday *gasp* I can. If we choose for our lives to NOT revolve around her anymore, we can do that.

She doesn't get it. It's not about disrespect. It's not about hating her. It's not about rebelling. It's not about any of that. She's missing the point entirely.

Dad is in La-la-Land. He's king of rugsweep. He's all better and life is moving on. But Mother is another story. She's in her house, alone, simmering and seething.

And I'm trying soooo hard to see it from her angle. I'm very familiar with the dynamic that Dad and her have. I know what her life is like. But for the life of me, I can't understand why a parent would be so dead set against their child living a full, complete, happy life. Why they think their child is deliberately trying to hurt them and ruin them. I just can't wrap my mind around it.

They're keeping score. They claim they "don't do that". But they're keeping score. I have to remember that. Even if it "seems" like things are ok, we're "talking", we're laughing at an event, the wheels are always turning, things are being twisted, and I'm not safe.

Was talking to QS earlier and I told him, I just feel so lost. I'm wandering around the house, going thru the motions of life, knowing the family is shattered, and there is nothing I can do about it. It is what it is, and I have to learn to accept it. And of course make a mental note that the next time I get sick, even when offered a ride, take a cab instead.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6174 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, November 11th (Monday)

Aubrie you are handling this really well despite how bad it seems. This new reality wl take awhile to accept and bumps in the road will occur. Understand that a lot of what is bothering is because you finally put your foot down and said no more. The fact that you are attempting to see it from her side is amazing because not many would. She is who she is as is your dad and there is no changing that just managing your interactions with them. In time they may change their behaviors based on your actions but even if they won't you will have developed the necessary skills to deal with it all.

I would like to apologize if this was rambling in any way. I am on 3 different medications for a severe case of bronchitis so I'm loopy but I'm clear enough to say I am proud of you Aubrie. You are doing amazingly and I am sorry they can't see that.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2705 | Registered: Oct 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, November 11th (Monday)

And of course make a mental note that the next time I get sick, even when offered a ride, take a cab instead.
Honey, I can assure you that if you take the cab instead, you will be refusing her help and ungrateful. You. Can't. Win. She has cast you in a specific role in her life's play. She will re-frame everything you do and say (or don't do and say) to fit that role.

Sending you strength, Aubrie.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25073 | Registered: Aug 2011
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, November 11th (Monday)

((Aubrie))

You would look really pretty with gauges. And a fuchsia mohawk.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, November 11th (Monday)

I think you're doing great. This is a learning process. You're learning as you go and there's nothing wrong with that.

I also think a fuchsia mohawk is the way to go .


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37386 | Registered: Sep 2007
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, November 11th (Monday)

You would look really pretty with gauges. And a fuchsia mohawk.

I also think a fuchsia mohawk is the way to go

Tempting....


You're right AN. It's a "learn as you go" thing. We can't really anticipate what they'll do/say. Just gotta take it as it comes and adjust accordingly.

I'm hesitant to just cut off any and all contact. I don't think we're "there" yet, kwim? My counselor said that I drew my line in the sand, now I just need to work on showing them they're not going to cross it. Give them time to get a clue. And if they refuse, then take the next step.

It's hard because I don't feel I can just shoot the breeze, text her, call her, and chit chat. There's no telling how it will be interpreted, how it will be seen by here, how it will be twisted. It's hard not being able to just talk and let it be just a plain old conversation about yarn. (or whatever) I feel I need to keep the wall up, me in, her out.

I feel I'm regurgitating all this. It's harder to process than expected.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6174 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, November 11th (Monday)

Regurgitate as much as you need to, Aubrie. You're rewriting at the operating system level, here. It is hard and it takes time. You're doing great, even if it doesn't feel like that.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25073 | Registered: Aug 2011
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, November 11th (Monday)

Aubrie,

My family pulls the exact same crap. For the time being I have decided to continue to engage as much as comfortable but refuse to play the game.

I have no idea if it's the right or wrong way to handle it but it's what I'm doing. It goes like this.

Sister: mom said you only call her when you need something like a ride to the doctor.

Me: hmmm...that's odd, I didn't ask her or hint around that I needed a ride to the doctor but I took her up on it when she offered. I hate that she feels that way, but that's her choice.


I then refuse to get in a tizzy about more of mom's or my sister's childish, drama loving games.

Maybe I call my mom to just to chat when I'm feeling better. If she hijacks the conversation to some tiresome manipulation I say, "oh, look at the time, gotta get going".

I refuse to discuss my sister with my mom or vice versa. If they have a problem I tell them to tell the other. It would probably be good if your sister wouldn't allow your mom to vent to her but that's on her. My family loves the triangulation too. I tell them, "if (whoever) has a problem with me I'm sure he/she will talk to me about it so we can work it out. I don't want to hear about it from someone else since that solves nothing. Let's talk about something else."

Nipped that crap right in the bud. They didn't like it but they tolerated it. I engage with my family on my terms mostly now. Sometimes they still make me crazy but things are a bit better. Different but better. Not as close as we used to be but we still spend time together and love each other. I think in our case not as close is an improvement.

(((Aubrie)))

This stuff is hard.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I agree with NIK.

But for the life of me, I can't understand why a parent would be so dead set against their child living a full, complete, happy life.

Do you think hidden in here might be some fear? Do you think they fear not being needed by you and QS in some way?
Do you think they fear letting you go in order to keep you dependent on the FOO and its unhealty dynamic?

(((Aubrie, QS, and munchkins)))


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2010
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Sister: mom said you only call her when you need something like a ride to the doctor.

Me: hmmm...that's odd, I didn't ask her or hint around that I needed a ride to the doctor but I took her up on it when she offered. I hate that she feels that way, but that's her choice.


That's pretty much how it went down. Mother had called my sister to "chat" and dropped the comment about me only talking to her if I need to use her. My sister felt Mom's statement was "off" and asked me for clarification. Granted the ideal would have been for my sister to tell Mother, "I don't want to hear it. Talk to Aubrie."

It would probably be good if your sister wouldn't allow your mom to vent to her but that's on her.
My sister is learning how to stop it. She's learning that the non-confrontational approach isn't working and she's going to have to hurt Mother's feelings by blatantly shutting her down.

Do you think hidden in here might be some fear?
Oh absolutely! If she doesn't have her kids and grandkids, she has nothing. Literally. No hobbies, no friends, nothing outside the home. She has "issues" with family stuff, but then if we pull away, there is something wrong with us. Either way, we can't win.

I can see some of her problem, but I can't do anything to make her fix it. She grew up in a severely abusive home. Mentally, physically, the whole shebang. Leaves the abusive home straight into marriage with Dad. Who has his own dramas. He's dominating. She's submissive. He's entitled. She bends to his every whim. Add in co-de and passive-aggressive behavior and we have a real mess.

I'm trying to approach this from a way that is "understanding" to her situation, but then I end up drowning. Ya know? I want her to be happy. I want her life to be easier. But I can't keep fixing her. I'll loose my own self, my own marriage, my own family. I feel kind of guilty for being "selfish" but I refuse to give up everything I've got. It's not the way life is supposed to work. Accepting that this is the way it's supposed to be, and walking away is so difficult.

I sit here free and living a full life as she sits in her own prison.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 10:48 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6174 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Topic Posts: 10