SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: Husband had a two-night stand with co-worker
jessb115258
New Member
Member # 41314
Sad  Posted: 9:58 PM, November 11th (Monday)

This is a long story; I apologize for rambling…I can barely get through a day without swinging between extremes of wanting to divorce him and then thinking about putting it behind us like it never happened. I also think ignorance would be bliss…would be better off not knowing, he should have to spend the rest of his life living with the guilt.

My husband is an auditor and travels frequently; he’s usually gone for at least a week or two each month. He went to South Carolina for an assignment three weeks ago and I thought it was a normal trip like any other; he did tell me he was going with his co-worker, Emily, who I’ve met before and didn’t think anything of them traveling alone together. I hadn’t the slightest idea she was interested in my husband since she’s 16 years younger than him and has a serious boyfriend.

This past Saturday, I ran into his manager’s wife at the mall. We made small talk and out of the blue she said she had to hand it to me…she’s not as secure as me, she would never let her husband share a room with a younger, female co-worker. I was baffled, had no idea what she was talking about and just laughed it off that we had a very strong marriage. I spent the rest of my mall trip thinking about it and when I got home, I took the kids to the neighbors’ house to play so I could question him. I told him what his manager’s wife said and his face dropped. He came clean that his company was severely cutting back on expenses and asked him and Emily if they would be OK with sharing a room for the audit engagement; he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to make a big deal about it. I believed him and left it alone, but I had a nagging feeling about it. I questioned him again after I put the kids to bed, telling him I didn’t feel right about it.

He broke down with his face in his hands; said he was very sorry, it meant nothing and he told Emily it couldn’t happen again and it was a mistake, and he would do whatever it takes to make it up to me. I was stunned, felt like I had the wind knocked out of me, and couldn’t believe what he was telling me. He was blubbering and I told him to slow down and start from the beginning and I wanted the entire truth and details.

He said the part about the company making them share a room was true and his manager and HR made a big deal about making sure it was OK with him and Emily. He didn’t want to tell me because he knew how I would react and there was no way around it because he had to go. They went about work normally, had dinner with the clients and went back to the hotel. I believe him when he says he didn’t have any sexual thoughts in mind and he didn’t think she did either; he says she hadn’t flirted with him at all. He said they both went about their night routines, got into the separate beds, the lights went out and they made small talk until it got quiet.

At this point, I thought he was going to have a seizure; he could barely find the words through his crying. He said he was half asleep on his side facing away from her, but could hear her moving around in her bed. He said all of a sudden she got into bed with him and when he turned around to face her, she kissed him and pressed up against him and he knew she was naked. He said he stopped thinking, got caught up in the moment, his clothes came off and they had sex in the dark. He said they did it again before falling asleep. He said he woke in the morning and she was back in her bed. He went into the shower to get ready for work and to clear his head (genius that he is, he didn’t lock the bathroom door). She joined him in the shower and they had sex again. They got dressed and left for the client’s office without talking. He said the day went by without any awkwardness from her as if nothing had happened. Through his crying, he said they had sex three times that night and again in the shower the next morning before leaving for the airport. He said reality set in on the flight back; he was wracked with guilt and disgust of himself. When they landed, he told her it was a mistake and it would never happen again. She said she understood and it would be their secret. I was in shock, just couldn’t process it. I couldn’t look at him and told him that I would sleep in the guestroom that night.

I really owe it to his manager’s wife, I never would’ve found out otherwise. He came home and didn’t seem different at all. I believe he’s told me the complete truth and I can see that he’s genuinely remorseful and scared of losing the kids and me. I just wish I could get inside his head to understand how he could have sex with this woman seven times. He’s tried to explain it as being in another city, in a strange hotel arrangement and having someone so much younger aggressively come onto him.

I just don’t know if I can get past it. How can he come home and act perfectly normal? I’ve asked him if he enjoyed the sex and he refuses to answer, says he doesn’t want to add more hurt, but I want to know. They didn't use protection so he's going to get tested; thankfully he had a vasectomy. He says they don’t talk at work unless it’s work related and that no one has a clue what happened. He says he’ll find an excuse not to travel with her again.

I just don’t know what to do. My mind is screaming divorce most of the time, but I also think about the life we’ve built together and our kids…how can I just throw it away without trying to fix it for them and then I think how he easily threw it away for cheap sex.

I’m just a mess.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: New York
storm77
Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, November 11th (Monday)

Jessb,
I am so sorry you are here. Take your time and decide what you want to do. Nothing says you have to divorce him if you don't want to. If you want more details he should be open, honest and answer every question you have. He can only cause you more pain by not doing this. I needed every single detail and let H know that I may ask the same question over and over.(Which I did and am still doing) Please be sure to take care of yourself during this time. Read the healing library and look into IC. If you want to R be sure to get him to go to MC. Ask for his password to the phone, facebook, email etc to be sure this only happened this one time. Again I am sorry you are here. I am sending you lots of hugs.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, November 11th (Monday)

Jessb, keep digging. I''ve traveled a lot for work. So has my FWH. NO company, no matter what the monetary situation, asks two people of opposite sex to room together because of liability reasons. Not one. Two men or two women, yes. A unrelated man and woman? No.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4804 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry you find yourself on this site. That was a lot to take in. A few thoughts.

Something similar happened to my WS. I told my WS that no married man has another woman in his hotel room unless it is his wife. End of story. I can't imagine any company asking a married man to share a room with a female co-worker. One of them must have suggested it. There is more to this story than you know IMHO. After the first time, why did he continue? Why didn't he address the issue instead of just acting like nothing happen until the second evening. He choose to continue. He needs to own that. She didn't make him, she just provide the temptation. Plus he knew they would be sharing a room. He deliberately kept that info from you. He came home and didn't tell you what happened. Only upon questioning did he fessed....and only after you weren't satisfied with his first attempt to snow you. There is much more to this. Most people would be very uncomfortable sharing a hotel room with a person of the opposite sex unless they were VERY at ease with the co-worker. What isn't he telling you about their relationship? Why did he hide it from you?

Your WS needs to set some serious boundaries.

You need time to absorb all of this. You have come to the right place for support.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2966 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
chick
Member
Member # 41073
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry to hear your story, it does sound very bizarre that he would be forced to share a room with a female colleague but to get peace of mind on that particular point I would demand a meeting with someone from his HR Team to clarify. If you not want his work to know about what happened then you don't need to tell them about it, he can just say that you are unhappy about the decision and would like to discuss with them.

I’ve asked him if he enjoyed the sex and he refuses to answer, says he doesn’t want to add more hurt, but I want to know.

You have a right to know exactly what you want to know and I completely get that he thinks he should not cause you more hurt but if you want to know then it will be worse for you to not have the full details. Your imagination will fill in the blanks for you and it could be even worse than the reality. If he is truly sorry he should do whatever you ask and will tell you every horrible little detail if you want to know it. You may have some questions right now and things may keep popping into your head over the next few weeks, months, years - he should be patient and willing to answer them.


Me - 32
Him - 32
D-Day - 6th Oct 2013
He had a ONS on 23rd Sept 2013

Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2013
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

My H has worked for huge national companies and small regional companies. No company is going to ask a male and female to share a hotel room. HR would have liability out the wazoo. Even if it is true they asked, he could have turned it down. The manager's wife as much as told you so when she said she would oppose her husband sharing a room. Still, I cannot believe any company would set up a sexual harassment scenario by actually coercing the sharing of rooms. God help us if this is the new normal.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1473 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

He says they don’t talk at work unless it’s work related and that no one has a clue what happened. He says he’ll find an excuse not to travel with her again.

Personally, I think this is bull. I also think it would be unacceptable for me. Time for him to get a new job. He has most likely talked to this woman and knows so much more about her than he is telling you.

I'm no psychic, but I would also guess he complained about your marriage, and that is why she felt comfortable enough to cross boundaries. That is, if her crawling in his bed with him facing the other way is even the truth..

He said it himself, he's trying to tell you some truth without hurting you too much, but this means he isn't telling you the full truth..

I'm sorry, but I think he enjoyed the sex. He's kind of telling you that without really having to say it. I guess it's better than lying about and saying it was awful, which I think a lot of waywards say to soften the blow..

I'm sorry you had to find us, but you will find a lot of support here. I hope he keeps his remorseful attitude and really wants to figure out how he allowed this to happen. You cannot just forget about this and sweep it under the rug or it will happen again. He needs to do some digging and really work on his whys..

Good luck..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Afraid2LoveAgain
Member
Member # 11185
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I am an IT professional who has traveled on business for many, many years. I have dealt with companies of all sizes and resources and have never heard of any company asking opposite gender employees to share a room.

No company would risk the liability of this. His story is complete bullshit. I would divorce him for being such an idiot that he thinks you believe this.

Obviously they shared a room and the manager's wife knew it and was finding a diplomatic way to let you know.

[This message edited by Afraid2LoveAgain at 3:43 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


BW -- 57
Divorced 2001
Re-married 2014--on what would have been our 35th anniversary

Posts: 420 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: NC
naivegirl
Member
Member # 14234
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I would tell him you are going to ask his boss about having to share a room. If he is lying I bet he will come clean. Also he sure makes it seem like she did all the initiating. Sounds fishy.


Me BS 39
Him WH 38

D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
-Kid Rock

Working on Re


Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2007
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry you're here. Unfortunately, I'm with the others. I work in finance, and I used to be an auditor. The client reimburses ALL travel costs, so his company wouldn't care at all if they had their own rooms as the client would be the one footing the bill. His story makes ZERO sense.

I'm sorry - but there is more to this than he's letting on.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Swims
Member
Member # 30992
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I'm agreeing with the other posters about the company requiring them to share a room to cut expenses. Bunch of bull! And I certainly don't buy the part about her climbing into bed with him and he "just stopped thinking". There is a lot more to this story. You are at the tip of the iceberg right now. He's just sorry that the managers wife outed him. Do you have an ally in his office that could answer questions?? Hugs to you, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Take care of yourself!

Posts: 127 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: East Coast
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

There's more to the story. Gently, he has only told you what he HAD to tell you, because he was exposed.

There is not a company on the planet that would ask a married man to share a room with a female colleague. The liability alone is astronomical.

It's bad enough he is having/had an affair. That he expects you to buy something so ludicrous is insulting.

Keep digging. (You might start with the HR department and their written travel policies.)

You said you asked him whether he enjoyed the sex and he didn't answer because he didn't want to "add more hurt." Now is the time to properly school him: he needs to answer EVERY question fully and honestly, without censorship, and let YOU decide what you can and cannot tolerate.

He may say he's protecting you from hurt, but he's really protecting himself and OW.

What is his plan, vis-a-vis work? Will he be looking for a new job? Asking for a transfer to another city or department? How will he achieve and maintain NC with OW?

I ask these things because, really, you didn't say he was committed to R, or even planned to end the affair. Being wracked with guilt doesn't cut it; he came home, pretended nothing was different, would have continued lying to you every day of your life. While it's attractive, at this point, thinking of still being in the dark rather than knowing this horrendous truth about the man you trusted, it's the worst possible scenario. Even if the affair had stopped,the lies would have created a barrier to emotional intimacy, forever changing your marriage. Trust me on this--I was in the dark for a very long time, and the change was palpable and awful.

Your husband is lying to you. In your shoes, I would (a) ascertain whether he intended to remain in the marriage (you don't have to make this decision yet, but he DOES--he has to be all in or all out, (b) do a HARD 180 until he is firmly NC with OW, and (c) get tested for STDs, require that your husband do so as well, and use a condom (when you're READY to have sex) until all recommended follow-up is completed. (Doctors have different recommendations. Mine retests at six-month intervals for 18-24 months. He then rechecks for HIV annually.)

I'm really sorry you have reason to be here, but glad you found SI. It helps--a lot.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8687 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I would tell him you are going to ask his boss about having to share a room. If he is lying I bet he will come clean. Also he sure makes it seem like she did all the initiating. Sounds fishy.

I echo this sentiment.

Gently...he is lying through his teeth.

What really pisses me off is his so called "remorse" - if he were truly remorseful, he would not have had sex seven times with her AND he would have requested another room and paid for it himself.

In addition to the above suggestion, I'd demand a polygraph...and go from there...

Keep posting...we're here to help you through this awful mess.

Hugs,

Lala


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I was just about to post nearly verbatim what Afraid2LoveAgain posted.

Want to add though that in the vast majority of cases travel and travel expense is compensated by the customer, especially in services such as IT, accounting and auditing. Plus as a business cost this is accounting and auditing heaven tax-wise.

If his auditing company has sunk to the level of saving nickels by making these demands AND if he has had an affair with a co-worker then it’s time he looks for a new employer.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5551 | Registered: Sep 2005
betrayedme2
Member
Member # 40639
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Jess, so sorry this has happened. Truly so. I too travel a LOT, or "used to" travel a lot before my dday. Never, ever would a company pair a male and female together. But, if the manager's wife knew? Perhaps there is a thread of truth in there. Others may call me naive. It's just hard to fathom. I'm fortunate enough to work for a company that allows everyone a room by themselves regardless. If it's a small private firm, I'm be more able to give consideration. If they have an actual HR dept instead of a person who has HR duties, sorry, it just doesn't smell right.

Don't make any rash decisions. Be careful who you talk to about this. Seek counseling for both yourself and when up to it, or if you're up to it for marriage counseling. Suggest he go in for individual counseling also. Many larger companies have what's called an employee assistance program (EAP) that you can call in to anonymously to obtain free access to a certain number of sessions with a local counselor. It's a good source to be able to talk opening and honestly with someone that won't judge any decisions you make or pity your circumstance.

About him, sorry, but seven times...he enjoyed it, obviously. It hurts, but remember, its NOT about your. Keep telling yourself that. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. It's about whatever issue that HE HAS that allowed himself to be put in a situation like that and for not saying "NO".

All the above said, don't be surprised if more truth trickles out..... You'll read that trickle truth hurts so much as the pain just keeps coming. Most of us would rather just take it all at one time, than to keep getting threads of it. With trickle truth you (we) never really know if we got all of it. At least if you're getting all of it at one time and there's no further trickles, you know what you're dealing with. Some common things you'll find, text msgs, possibly sexting, emails, hidden/unknown email accounts, unaccounted for time, long lunches, increase/decrease in sexual desire. I certainly hope it was a one time thing. Has he traveled with her before?

Again, it's not about you. Don't blame yourself. Don't think "if I had done this or done that". If you decide to reconcile, set groundrules. YOUR ground rules, anything and everything you want and it only lessens when YOU want it to. It's not punishment for him, it's peace of mind for you.

Best wishes for you and your family!!


dday: 1/19/13
ME: mid 40's
WW: low 40'3
2 daughters, 17, 21
Reconciling

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
marionwendy
Member
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

UNBELIEVABLE!!! Sounds fishy to me? Had to share a room I call bullshit! I do this for a living I book all the hotel rooms for our co workers NEVER do we book a man and a woman together EVER! IMOP I think he is lying.... wont answer you about enjoying sex because he did! Otherwise he wouldn't of done it 6 more times! They say they don't want to hurt us, really its about them and not wanting our reaction!!!!! Lies! Do more digging you ask a man enough questions eventually the truth comes out they slip up they forget what they have said! Threaten him tell him your calling his boss. if he doesn't come clean, DO call!


BS-49
WS-50
Married-18
Together-21
Children-2

Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
LivingALie
Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I know this is going to come out sounding sarcastic – I really don’t mean for it to be – I just have to say that I’ve been on these boards a few years and thought I had seen it all. But this one? Oh please…there is absolutely NO WAY any organization would require that a male and female share a room.

And let’s give him the benefit of the doubt here and say he’s telling the truth – he could have gotten his own room and paid for it out of his own pocket.

And he wasn’t smart enough to lock the bathroom door? You are giving him too much credibility. Seriously?

But – I think you know all this deep inside and its just so hard to come to terms with it. I know. Immediately following my DDay I did question my husband a few times and he gave me some crazy answers that I wanted to believe. For instance, he told me that they would get together after work..to talk.in his car. But nothing ever happened. No touching, no kissing. Nothing.

At first, I believed him. But then I thought about it – a married man – a married woman – both adults – alone in a car – and nothing happened? If I had told my husband that story about ME – he’d say “I’m a guy, I know what guys want…and it’s not just talk”. So I reminded him of that – and guess what? Plenty happened –and it wasn’t talking.

Your H’s tears and near-seizure aren’t about what happened – they’re about his being caught by you and he’s terrified.

Shaking my head….the company made them share a room? Wow. I think I really have heard everything.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Nov 2007
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Sorry, jess, I have to agree with the others.
There is so much more that your husband is not telling you.

This other woman has a steady boyfriend? He has a right to know that his gf is cheating with a married man. Best way to end this is to expose the affair.


He says they don’t talk at work unless it’s work related and that no one has a clue what happened. He says he’ll find an excuse not to travel with her again
.

^^Yes, his co-workers know exactly what is going on. The manager's wife knew, which means there are a whole lot more who know.

Please be kind to yourself. You have just stepped onto the emotional roller coaster of your life.

((((Hugs)))))


Posts: 7536 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Sammy2013
Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry you are here. I know that feeling of first finding out. I agree with others. There are things he's not telling you. A company will not ask members if the opposite sex to share a hotel room. A woman does not just lay down naked with a man who hasn't given her any reason to think he wants her to. There is an entire story you aren't getting. Trickle truth is something that happens in almost every situation. As for him believing that no one knows, he's in a fog. The fact that his supervisors wife said something to you says that people are talking.

Stay strong, get yourself into counseling. Keep posting and reading here. This site was a lifesaver for me and I am not even a month out. Remind yourself every day that this isn't your fault. Huge (((((hugs))))).


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 208 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

But, if the manager's wife knew? Perhaps there is a thread of truth in there.

I think that
WH and OW were too dumb to rent two rooms so that it wouldn't look so bad, and then when they got back realized they didn't have the receipts so they said it was to save money.

I think the manager’s wife knew because it was so damned ‘unusual’ that the manager mentioned it. I think the manager’s wife was testing to see if you knew. If the company was doing this to everyone, she wouldn’t single you out.

This story really bothers me for some reason.

As I said, I used to be an auditor. If you want, I can call their HR department and act like I’m interested in a job and ask a few questions, one being about travel and sleeping arrangements (will I get my own room?).

If you want me to, just PM me the firm’s name and phone #.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry, but my gut is screaming that there is more to this than your hubby is letting on.

I agree with others that there is too much liability involved for the company he works for to encourage this kind of arrangement..

If they wanted to save money and the workers involved were agreeable, it seems like there would have been the signing of disclaimers involved ( might a good way for you to verify) to waive their option to sue for harassment..

In going forward, if R is to happen, your WH needs to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to make you feel safe..He doesn't get to drive or control R or have things his way..

My WH killed my feelings for him and the M by having that attitude that I better shape up as a wife or he would continue to be entitled to A's...

The problem in my case is that I cannot get rid of WH without facing financial ruin in D..My WH is chronically unemployed and refuses to move somewhere else...He has no pension or savings.. I think you get the picture..I think our D will turn out to be a brutal one..I am trying to create several loopholes in my case before I D so that no judge would think of ruling that I support my WH in a divorce settlement..

In the end if you decide that R is NOT possible, file for D while your WH is employed and before too many more years go by..

I sound like a broken record because I say this to everybody considering R, but I would make drafting a post nup agreement that weighs heavily in your favor( in the case of S or D happening ) a must for R to happen..

You don't want to feel like you HAVE to R or live in an in house separation just to keep your way of life or financial stability for the kids..

Sending you strength..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:05 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Nov 2011
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Jess,

As you can see, you are not alone--we have all dealt with the hell that is betrayal. My number one recommendation for you would be to see a counselor, by yourself, to unload all the emotions that come with the awful truth that your husband is a messed-up man who cheated on you.

He had an affair and he's lying about it. There's no way that a woman (unless she's very mentally ill) would strip naked and get in bed with a married work colleague out of the blue. They've been carrying on at least an EA at work for who knows how long. Your H has probably told her or let her assume that your marriage is loveless, sexless, etc. (poor neglected puppy) I agree with other posters that they got one room on purpose and when the manager found out, they concocted a stupid story to explain.

Of all the denial your H is using to minimize the fact that he chose commit adultery, this one takes the cake:

he stopped thinking, got caught up in the moment, his clothes came off and they had sex in the dark.

Wow. He actually had the famous zipless fuck where your clothes just blow away like dandelion fluff.

I would act like you believe his crap and go into stealth mode. Search his email trash, search his phone, get the phone records, etc.

If I sound angry, it's because I am totally pissed off for you! How dare he lie and try to get sympathy from his innocent, trusting wife while he's doubtless still in contact with OW and possibly planning their next sex-fest.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Everyone else has said it before, but I want to reiterate it in case you are still denying it to yourself. I have been in this industry for over 25 years. I know this industry both as an auditor AND as an HR director. I would bet my LIFE that he is LYING to you on the following:

1) There is absolutely no way the company told a man and a woman to share a hotel room to "cut costs" NO WAY The client pays for expenses on out of town trips. Plus, the inappropriateness of this is so astronomical... there is just no way.

2) I am sure the wife of the manager found out via him (probably through the submission of their expense reports or simply via gossip) and she tried to find a way to gently tip you off. Bless her - I'll bet if you contacted her confidentially you would get even more info

3) His story of Emily making ALL the moves, IN THE DARK, coming to him naked, while he is faced the other way.... that is the biggest BS story I have ever heard!!! Oh my gosh. Seriously? At least he didn't say she drugged or incapacitated him in any way, but he couldn't have made himself any more blameless in the beginning. What a weenie.

4) The fact that he cried and cried and "almost had a siezure" means absolutely nothing. So what? He's a good actor.

Step back and realize as hard as it is.

There is WAY more to this story and he is lying to you big time. This was most certainly planned ahead and you have a choice now to dig and find out more or sit back and avoid it.

I know it is SO hard at this time and my heart aches for you but please believe those of us who know this industry. There is no way he is telling the truth.


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
Truly
Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Hey Jessb,

I am so sorry, this all must be very hard to hear on top of the awful DD.

I won't reiterate what everyone else has said, although I believe they are absolutely spot on, I just wanted to send you good thoughts and strength while you digest this horrific event.


(((((HUGE HUGS)))))
Edited because I am a klutz

[This message edited by Truly at 12:17 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
donotlietome
Member
Member # 26478
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

IF he is telling the truth about being pressured to share a room he needs to march himself to HR and demand that they never work together again. Would it be possible for one of them go to a different location?

Posts: 190 | Registered: Dec 2009
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I think painfulpast''s scenario makes the most sense. I would confirm it with your WH''s employer. As desperate as some companies are to save money they are often more desperate to avoid liability. Having said that I have also heard of some pretty outrageous demands companies have put on their employees in the name of cutting costs.

Even if this bizarre room sharing demand by his boss is true it still doesn''t change the fact that he hid it from you in advance. It shows a guilty mindset and he''s blameshifting by saying it was your anticipated reaction was the reason he kept that to himself.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3801 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Also, they stayed the night and got up in the morning and immediately went to the airport? SC isn’t far from NY via airplane – an hour and a half or so? So why spend another night? Flights like that leave up until after 7 pm. Why wait until morning? If the goal was to ‘save money’ surely coming home a day earlier would have been in order.

This story stinks – bad. He’s so full of shit it’s pathetic. Oh, we need to share a hotel room, but we can stay until morning, so we get two nights there. This was planned. I just can’t see any other way.

I’m sorry – we all know what it’s like to want so badly to believe the soft story they’re selling. But you just can’t.

No woman would act like that out of the blue. No one.
No company would ask a male and a female to share a hotel room.
They stayed two nights instead of coming home a day earlier in the evening, so that they could have an extra night together.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

None of this makes ANY sense and if it doesn't make sense, odds are it's not true. First of all, I will echo what most of the other posters have already stated - NO company would EVER risk two employees of opposite sexes sharing a hotel room. No way. So, that already doesn't make sense. Next thing that doesn't make sense - how does your husband's manager's WIFE know ANYTHING about this situation? That's fishy to me. Perhaps there's been something going on between your husband and Emily for quite some time and it's common knowledge among their co-workers? I mean, I don't want to upset you but perhaps this was the manager's wife's way of tipping you off "innocently" when really she was disgusted by a blatant affair that's taking place out in the open at her husband's office? That to me is far more of a likely scenario than an HR department wanting to save a couple dollars on two separate hotel rooms for a couple nights.

You need to do some more probing - perhaps unbeknownst to your husband. I suspect you're not getting the full truth here and that's just not fair to you. Call HR and DEMAND and investigation. Install a key logger on your home computer and try to get a hold of his cell phone/business phone to see if there's any kind of communication between your husband and Emily that can shed any more light on this messy situation.


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Markone
Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

One more vote for no way a company would allow that.

Check the hotel bill (he has to keep to file expenses - if he says he lost it, tell him to call the hotel for another). From here you can find out - who booked the room, who was registered as guest(s); minibar, movies...you get the picture.


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 413 | Registered: Dec 2010
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Also, they stayed the night and got up in the morning and immediately went to the airport? SC isn’t far from NY via airplane – an hour and a half or so? So why spend another night? Flights like that leave up until after 7 pm. Why wait until morning? If the goal was to ‘save money’ surely coming home a day earlier would have been in order.
BINGO! Another inconsistency! I'm so sorry, Jess, but your husband is lying to you really bad. You need to start getting answers from other sources.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

It sounds like some movie. A bad one.
It's crap.
HR would never do that. It would open them up for harassment charges being levied.
I'm sorry he's lying.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
ontheslope
Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I'll add another vote for no way the company was okay with a married man and a woman sharing a hotel room. It just doesn't happen. And to save expenses? For a 2 night stay? If it was about saving cost, then they must have stayed at a cheap hotel, so, the MOST the company could have saved is what, $300? $300 savings against tens of thousands in sexual harassment litigation? Just don't see it happening.

On top of that, I would get the hotel receipt and see what room they stayed in. Guaran-flipping-tee that they stayed in a room with 1 king size and not 2 queens. I would put money on that.

His whole story stinks to high heaven.

And that whole thing about her getting into bed naked with him? A) doesn't happen except in the movies and B) even if it DID happen, THAT is the moment where he gets to prove what a good husband he is and tell her to get the F back into her own bed. He isn't the innocent bystander here... "Oh, but honey, she just THREW herself at me! What was I supposed to do?!?"

NOT have sex with her. Respect your vows. Have some sense of honor. THAT's what you were supposed to do.

I'm so sorry for you.

Sending strength your way.


Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Issaquah
Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry you're here and getting this very painful feedback. I have to agree with all the posters that you are not getting the full story. I can't believe that a company would risk a potential six figure plus sexual harassment lawsuit in order to save a few hundred bucks. Asking opposite sex employees to share a hotel room is completely opening themselves up for a lawsuit.

I believe the manager's wife was trying to tip you off without disclosing any information to you. My WH is a high level manager who manages a whole region of staff. He does share staff information with me, but in all honesty he is not suppose to - staff concerns should be confidential. Two employees having an A or look like an A is brewing would definitely be a staff concern. When I go to holiday parties I have to keep my mouth shut unless it's happy stuff like the birth of a baby, etc. My guess is there has been something going on or at least brewing and the manager shared it with his wife. That was her way to tip you off while not really telling you anything. If I were her, I would have done the same thing.

They had sex 7 times? She came on to him in the night? What are they, 19 year old drunk college kids leaving a frat party? If you step back for a moment, and trust me I know how hard that is, his whole story just makes no sense. We love our spouses and really want to believe in them. When this happens it's just so hard to internalize the reality and the gas lighting (lying, twisting the story and your sense of reality) can be so convincing.

You have gotten a lot of good advice as where to start. Keeping digging.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry, but I agree with what everyone else is saying. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

((Sending you strength))


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 465 | Registered: Jul 2013
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I feel so awful for you -- it must be hell reading these responses. I know I'd feel doubly betrayed because you believed his story, and now we're all calling THAT into question, too. I just want to say that we ALL want to believe the best-case scenario and many of us twist ourselves to believe some pretty outlandish stories because the alternative is so awful -- that our WSs are willfully lying to us. That is what we call on here "Trickle Truth" -- TT. WSs often start out with a no-so-terrible story that minimizes the A and their role in it. (Yes, SHE crawled into bed with him, nekkid! What on earth would any red-blooded man do?) The BS chips away at this story (which, because it's made up off the cuff, often has a LOT of holes in it), and become increasingly distraught because, on top of the realization that their WS is a cheater, they also have to deal with the fact that their WS is still betraying them by not giving them the full story. Because we all DESERVE the truth.

You need to demand full transparency from your WH -- access to phones, email programs, computers. If he balks at this... well, why would he?

This is such an awful thing to go through. Remember that any reaction you have right now is OK, and you're not bound by any of the thoughts and decisions you make.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Aug 2012
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Jess....I know you are reeling from all the info we've thrown at you, but please let us know how you are doing.

We care.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6545 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

If indeed the company did require them to share a room, sue the crap out of them for the damage to your marriage, your emotional stress, etc, etc.

And, don't let him have any of your settlement.

I'd say at least 100,000 dollars for each of the times they had sex, although money will never compensate for the pain you are going through...I know that all to well.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 973 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
LeopoldB
Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

As I said, I used to be an auditor. If you want, I can call their HR department and act like I’m interested in a job and ask a few questions, one being about travel and sleeping arrangements (will I get my own room?).


Please ask if they require employees to conserve hot water by showering together. tyvmia


Posts: 203 | Registered: Sep 2013
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

But, if the manager's wife knew? Perhaps there is a thread of truth in there.
No, the manager's wife knew of the affair, and did the right thing: she told Jess.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8687 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

jessb, how are you doing? We are all concerned about you. Don't let our comments chase you away. We all have experience with infidelity and we are giving you our honest opinions.

I know what we have said may have frightened you and you want to run from the collective knowledge we are sharing. If you aren't ready to deal with this, back away. You will be back however, because once you know, you can't "unknow" what he has so far shared with you. It will eat at you. Please come back to us and let us support you when you are ready.

At the very least they were having an emotional affair before taking this trip. They set this trip up knowing they would be in the same room. This was planned. You WS knew it was coming and he lied by omission about the trip before hand and now he is trying to minimize his actions.

If you sweep this under the rug and don't deal with it, it will continue. After all what are his consequences? Plus they will just take it underground. I am so sorry, no one deserves this pain. You have to go through it to heal, there is no way around it, no backing away from it and if you want a strong M, you shouldn't sweep it under the rug. It will eat you up inside and that is no way to live. There can only be two in a marriage. Take care.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2966 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Since the Manager's wife didn't mind letting YOU KNOW she was aware that your WH and the OW-co-worker shared a room during this out of town Audit:
I'd call this Manager's wife and ask her point blank:
HOW DID SHE KNOW about this sleeping arrangement between your WH and this OW? Is she aware that this was an HR/COMPANY REQUIREMENT that your WH share a room to save the Company money?

Personally - I believe your husband is telling you a pack of LIES: I traveled for year with my previous job; and I can't believe any Company would require a male and female employee to share a hotel room to save money; or for any other reason.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6121 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Jessb, how are you doing?


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2966 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Also wondering how you are doing and I hope that you will check in with us...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Nov 2011
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

1) I don't buy his story for a second. He didn't flirt with this woman at all, and she just decided all on her own to hop into bed with him in the middle of the night?

2) NO COMPANY EVER requires coworkers to share a bedroom like that. Two men, yes. Two women, yes. But I have never ever heard of such a thing, and I also don't believe that for a second. I'm sorry, but there is no way in the entire world that this wasn't planned.

3) If he didn't enjoy the sex, he wouldn't have done it A SECOND time with her in the same evening after it happened the first time. Or in the shower in the morning. Or three more times that day. Or the next morning before the airport. He is refusing to answer your questions and be open and honest.

4) How is he still comfortable working with a woman that practically raped him in the middle of the night AND for a company that forced him to share a room with her in the first place?

I'm sorry, but there is no way I would accept his story at face value. He is not being honest with you about what happened and how it happened.

Further, I would INSIST that the both of you get tested for STI's.

I would insist on setting up a meeting with the manager and HR at your H's company to get some clarification about this room thing. I really can't imagine he is being honest with you about this.

Please take care of yourself.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

First, hugs to you. I am so sorry for what your husband has done and is continuing to do by lying to you.

Second, while I agree with most of what has been said by the previous posters, I have to add that as far as "setting up a meeting" with HR or whomever at Jessb's WH's company, I don't see it happening. In my 30 years of work experience, employers only deal with the employee. Families have no right or business having "meetings" with the company. In this instance that is really unfortunate, but the truth of the matter is, issues within the company are considered just that. The usual stance is "Mr./Mrs./Ms. is our employee and you are not. Therefore there will be no meeting on this or any other subject pertaining to Mr./Mrs./Ms. employment"


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 549 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
jessb115258
New Member
Member # 41314
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Thank you to everyone for the advice and words of encouragement. Deep down I knew his story didn’t add up, but I really wanted to believe he was telling me the truth. I don't know where the time has gone over the last few days.

I had coffee with his manager’s wife yesterday to find out what else she knew…I’m amazed that this woman, who doesn’t even work at the company, knows all the office gossip. She mentioned “sharing a room” as her way of telling me about my husband’s cheating without actually coming out and telling me; she thought it would be better to have him come clean to me instead of me hearing it from someone else. I told her his version of being asked to share a room with Emily…she rolled her eyes and had a good laugh.

The manager’s wife told me what she heard from the receptionist. Apparently Emily told her close friend at work (some close friend to spread word of an affair) about their encounters and the friend told the receptionist. They didn’t share a room; they happened to have rooms next to each other with adjoining doors. According to Emily’s version of events…they had an early dinner with the client, she suggested they have drinks at the hotel bar since it was too early to go to bed, they got a little more than tipsy, things got flirty and she kissed him. My husband got nervous, said they better go up and they went to their separate rooms. After going up, she knocked on the adjoining door and they ended up having sex. They had sex again in the morning, that night and in the morning before leaving to come home.

I thanked her for tipping me off and telling me what she heard. She suggested I kick him out and lawyer up, but I said I couldn’t make any rash decisions. Honestly, it didn’t hurt as much as I expected it to…guess I’m just that numb at this point.

Last night, I told my husband what his manager’s wife had told me about adjoining rooms and that he wasn’t telling me the truth. I didn’t mention a word of what she said Emily said, wanted to see what kind of lies he would tell me this time…

Surprisingly, he didn’t have a panic attack. He just sighed deeply and said he made up a story to lessen the damage. He really thought I would never find out and he sincerely meant it would never happen again.

According to his new version of events and I’m hoping it’s the real truth…they were drinking in the hotel bar after dinner, things got very flirty and she kissed him on the cheek very close to his lips. He was thrown off and said they better go up. When he got to his room, he said he was very aroused/worked up when she knocked on the adjoining door…they ended up having sex two times. She didn’t stay afterward, picked up her clothes and went back to her room and closed the door behind her; said he just rolled over and fell asleep. He woke up, went into the shower and she ended up joining him. He said she heard the shower come on from her room and decided to join him, he didn’t try to turn her away.

They went to work normally, drank at the bar again that night and went up to his room together and had sex several more times. She didn’t leave that night and they showered together in the morning. He said when they landed, he told her it was an isolated incident and wasn’t going to carry on…he just let himself get caught up in the sex. She said she understood and it would be their secret. I can’t believe this stupid bitch went and told her coworker/friend. If she seriously didn’t want or expect anything from my husband if it really was an isolated incident, why wouldn’t she just keep it to herself?

I don’t want to out either one of them at work, but I need to talk to her to find out the truth and what was she thinking sleeping with someone much older than her. I don’t believe she just wandered back into his room to shower in the morning. I do believe he told her it wasn’t going to happen again.

At this point, I’m going to enter individual counseling and he said he would do the same. He actually brought up couples counseling before I did. He said he’s going to call me several times a day from work, he’ll let me know if he has to work late and who will be in the office with him, and he’ll let me check his emails and cell phone.

I just want to know how he could jump into bed so easily with her. I don’t get it.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: New York
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

employers only deal with the employee.
Agreed. Rest assured this is exactly why the manager's wife "innocently" brought it up in conversation. Not only was it grating on her, but it was also grating on the manager who was disgusted enough to go home and tell his wife all about it.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

I don’t want to out either one of them at work

Sounds as if *they* are the worst kept secret at the company. I doubt that you have to worry about *outing* anything....sounds as if everyone already knows.

He woke up, went into the shower and she ended up joining him. He said she heard the shower come on from her room and decided to join him

IMHO, he is *still* feeding you a line of bullshit.


Please don't contact the OW for answers in this situation. I think it'll backfire on you and make the situation much worse than it already is.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8005 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Jess, I want to start by saying how sorry i am that you're going through this but I'm glad you got answers. I was typing my last post as you were posting yours so I didn't see it yet until I posted mine. That said, it just goes to show how clear a situation can be when you're an outsider looking in. As far as talking to Emily - don't bother. You're going to actually trust a woman who knowingly had sex with a married man 7 times? Emily has mental health issues. There's women and men like her everywhere - it's all a big game to them and they don't care who's left in agony in the wake of the destruction they've caused. Unfortunately, your husband was stupid and weak enough to get sucked into her game. I give you major credit for letting him stay in the house on just the promise that he won't do it again. One thing is for sure - do NOT have sex with your husband until he's gone through a gamut of STD testing. Even if his tests come back clean, you should make him wear a condom for AT LEAST 6 months. This was his mistake and you should not have to suffer any further ugliness due to his indiscretions. Please keep visiting this site and use it as a sounding board to vent your emotions. There are a lot of people here who have a wealth of experience, advice, and compassion because they've either been where you are now or are going through it at this very moment.
Please put your own healing before anything or anybody right now and know that you have options - you don't have to stay and you also don't have to call it quits. Please know that you have a community of supporters standing behind you as you try to make sense of this horrible mess.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

P.S. This line in your original post really bothered me considering he acted like nothing happened when he returned home and "thought you'd never find out":
They didn't use protection so he's going to get tested; 
How very generous of him to agree to that (that's sarcasm btw). One worthwhile question you should ask him is whether or not he planned on getting tested before having sex with you again even if you NEVER found out. Frankly, he doesn't know what Emily has between her legs and it seems pretty stupid, selfish, and reckless of him to have unprotected sex with her and only make an appointment to get tested once he's caught.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Don't you just wonder how they could be so stupid?? According to my high school sex ed teacher, he just had sex with everyone else she ever had sex with. And she sounds like the loose type, so who knows what she could have! And what about a possible pregnancy?? Way to not think of any consequences, dude..

Honestly, I'm getting the suspicion that they've been flirting/messing around/whatever at the office for a while. I'm SOOOO glad the manager's wife told you. What an angel, and so tactfully. I think that is how I would want to let someone know. Give them enough information for the betrayed spouse to get some evidence on their own..

I agree to NOT talk to OW. I think most of us do it at some point, but really, it's so not worth it, and OMG do I regret it. If the OW had absolutely no idea he was married, was completely lied to, and now is really pissed the guy led her on, then maybe you could talk to the OW and get some truthful answers. This is a cold-hearted bitch, and there are so many things she will likely do besides humbly telling you the truth.

And he probably lied to both of you, so she only knows his version of your marriage, and who knows what he told her. She could make you feel naive about your own marriage (yeah, I felt more naive after talking to her) . She probably feels like hot shit having bagged a married man. She could brag and make you feel terrible. She could tell you horrible things to make you pissed at your WH so she can have more time with him and feel justified for what she did. Ignoring her is so the right thing to do here.

And he needs a new job. Like yesterday. They already made some sort of pact to be discrete and keep it a secret, and you need to get them as far away from each other as possible.

Hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Betrayed67
Member
Member # 38134
Sad  Posted: 11:30 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Jess, I am a traveling auditor and no way would a company require auditors to room with opposite sex for cost reasons.

He is lying - big time .

I am sorry you are here. Tell him you will talk to his boss if he is not going to tell the full truth. He will try to lie until he can lie no more....

Sending lots of hugs and strength to you.


Me-BW 46 yo;Him - WH 53 yo
Married 13years
One daughter together 9yo, 2 stepchildren(His from previous marriage)
Various DDdays (see my profile)
ONS and multiple "friendships" with women in various online dating sites

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Zealand
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, November 15th (Friday)

I am so glad you came back and updated us. We are here to support you....always.

Why didn't he lock the door between their rooms? It can be locked from either side. So what if she heard the shower, door locked no access!

She told the co-worker and it got around the office because she wanted everyone to know. She wanted you to find out what is going on. Don't contact her, you would only be playing into her game. She is devious and to be avoided. (this by no means absolves your WS of his accountable for his half of this mess).

As for WS, he needs to work his butt off making you feel secure. No rug-sweeping. If you need to ask the same questions over and over and for months, well if that is what you need to heal he needs to answer, without whining or pity for him. Also no holding back saying he is protecting you. NO, he would be protecting himself, and perhaps OW.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2966 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, November 15th (Friday)

Thank you for the update, but I think there is more to the story when it comes to his indiscretions. Bravo to the manager's wife.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1250 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Markone
Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, November 15th (Friday)

According to his new version of events and I’m hoping it’s the real truth

In my opinion, it's not. They got flirty/drunk.."she" kissed him and he said they better go upstairs? He makes it sound like he was trying to put a stop to it but then his subsequent actions don't validate that. And they just happened to have adjoining rooms...coincidence? I'm not getting it.

Gently...this to me smacks of pre-planning and "going upstairs" was all part of it. Don't let your husband try to minimize. It may not matter to you, but I think this was all planned, not some booze fueled one-off tryst. Be diligent - sounds like he was in an A, and may still be in it.

((Jess))


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 413 | Registered: Dec 2010
Sammy2013
Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, November 15th (Friday)

(((Jess)))

I would love to tell you that you have the entire truth now, but you don't. You have only scratched the surface. I know this from recent experience with Trickle Truth. She couldn't have gotten into his room if the adjoining door was shut from his side. He had to have left it open for her or let her in.

I'm so sorry. They trickle truth thinking it hurts us less. They couldn't be more incorrect.

Huge hugs to you and keep posting and coming here. This place is a life saver. You are correct in not making rash decisions, but make sure you make smart ones. Find out if he used protection. If not, make yourself a doctors appointment. Also, a consult with an attorney isn't a bad idea. You don't have to file, but it's good to get an idea of what you need. Simple truth is you don't know how big this will get once it all comes out.


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 208 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, November 15th (Friday)

Sweety, it's not this woman's fault that your husband had an affair, it's his! He opened the door, he let her in, he had sex with her, he showered and apparently left the adjoining door unlocked so she could waltz right into his shower, he chose to have sex with her repeatedly during this 3 day period, he chose to have sex with her even while stone sober. This woman didn't rape him, she was just the vessel that he ended up with. Was she wrong to kiss him, absolutely! But was he wrong to accept her advances? You bet your life he was!

You'll never find peace if you look to the OW, she won't be able to give you a reason that is acceptable as to why she made advances on your H. It will never make sense, and it will never change anything. The work needs to be done with yourself and your H.

Your H didn't tell you because he thought you wouldn't find out. And I would bet a million dollars that he would have done it again at the next trip if you didn't find out about it beforehand. So whether he said it was a one time thing or not is really moot, it really only matters if he meant it and that you will never really know.

I hope you get tested for STD's very soon, and your H does as well. There are SOOO many things that can be transmitted even if condoms are used, but anything goes if they weren't and it sounds like they weren't. I wouldn't touch that man for 6 months until the 2nd HIV screen comes back negative, and even then he could still be a carrier of HPV which causes cervical cancer in women for years and years after exposure. It also causes throat cancer in men, so he better watch any bumps he gets on his throat or in his mouth from now on.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
jessb115258
New Member
Member # 41314
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, November 28th (Thursday)

I’ve been pressing and pressing him and he finally broke; when will this nightmare end?

It was a physical affair that started in June. They’ve been on three work trips together alone (he never mentioned she was going on the other two trips), they would go to sleazy motels during lunch hours, he told me was golfing on Saturday mornings…turned out he was at her place instead. He maintains it was only a physical relationship…he didn’t want to jeopardize our marriage and she didn’t want to ruin things with her fiancé.

It didn’t end when he came “clean”; they were let out for work early on Wednesday and he went to her place. This man had his dick inside her and 20 minutes later was kissing me, asking if he could help with anything for Thanksgiving. What kind of person am I married to?

I’m going to my in-laws this afternoon; don’t know how I’ll find it in me to pretend everything is fine.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: New York
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, November 28th (Thursday)

Oh, Jess! I'm so sorry.

I would refuse to go to the in-laws until he writes an NC letter, you approve the letter, and he mails it in front of you.

There's lots of info on SI about what to include in an NC letter. It says: I don't want to communicate with you in any way ever again. It was important for me to say that their relationship was wrong, that he had told me everything, and that he completely regretted ever meeting her.

Then WH needs to block her numbers, close their secret accounts, get off social media--enforce no contact by all means.

No Contact or no pretend happy family thanksgiving.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, November 28th (Thursday)

Why do you have to go to the inlaws?

You shouldn't have to subject yourself to pretending things are fine unless you really want to..

What kind of woman screws another man and is afraid she will ruin things with her fiancee..Hmmm, sounds like she should be outed to her fiancee, so he can know what kind of trash he is engaged to

Utterly despicable for your WH to have have had sex with her and then a few minutes later he is home kissing you...These WS and their cake eating fantasies are just ridiculous

Sending you strength..

P.S.
Please remember that you can tell your WH that you would rather stay home or go somewhere else for the afternoon..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:46 PM, November 28th (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Nov 2011
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, November 28th (Thursday)

I have to echo what others have said. His story doesn't make sense.

My XWS did something similar. He went on a business trip with a coworker and shared a hotel room. I figured it out and confronted him when he came home. He gave me the same story he told you (that his business made them do it and he didn't tell me because there was nothing he could do about it and he was afraid it would make me upset).

Ironically, I think the coworker turned HIM down. They were close friends and she got him the job. We'd go out to dinner together, etc. After that trip they stopped talking to one another. She told their boss she didn't want to work with him anymore and stopped taking his meetings. He told me it was because she was incompetent and jealous. I think I know what was the real reason now. I hear that after DDay and our breakup things got so bad between them someone reported him to HR as "hostile" and he was forced to move his office into another building.

He eventually moved on with another divorcing coworker when I was out of town for work... So that first incident with the hotel room and the other coworker was just the tip of the iceberg.

I NCed and left him before I found out more. That was all I needed. I was strangely lucky because when I uncovered everything he got defensive and hostile and the NC became mutual. Otherwise, if he were truly remorseful, I don't think I could have ever walked away. It's taken 7 months, but I now see that this was a terrible M. I was just too wrapped up in my own career and FOO issues to see it.

Best of luck to you. :/

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 6:39 PM, November 28th (Thursday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 61