I've never posted on anything like this before. So sorry if I don't have proper etiquette..
I'm 19 years old. I've been married for 2 years. Getting married at 16-17 was not uncommon in my family or their religion. A lot of people think I did it because I was itching to get out of the house, but I can honestly say I loved and do love my DH. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my life than with him.
Shortly after my 18th birthday I started really actively participating in our church. I was devoting 70hr a month to volunteer work. My husband has had the same job since before we got married. He leaves at 5 and doesn't get home till around 4. This leaves him pretty tired when he gets home. Aside from dinner and maybe an hour or two of TV in the evening, he slept the rest of the time.
I have a step-sister who is only 4 months younger than me, so when she turned 18 just a few months after me, we started going out together. We'd go out on Friday or Saturday nights. Play pool, go dancing, go bowling. I think that was the start of my problem. All I really wanted to do was be 18. Although my husband is only 3 years older than me, he's always been a bit of an old soul. He doesn't like to go out and party. He's not a huge fan of going out on the weekends to dance or anything like that.
I saw how much fun my sister was having with her friends and I couldn't help but be jealous. My husband and I had been having a few problems.. None I would consider severe or divorce-worthy by any means. I think it was just normal learning how to live with each other things. I would get irritated by the way he did things or that he didn't help out enough.
I honestly don't remember what prompted it, but I signed up for a website called Fetlife. It's like Facebook for the BDSM/fetish community. My husband and I don't have that kind of relationship, but I had always been curious about it.
Within weeks of signing up for it I agreed to go meet someone. We were just going to hang out for a bit, he said he didn't have many friends and neither did I. I honestly never thought that I was going to cheat on my husband.
When I cheated, I felt like I was on drugs. That was the only way to describe it. Most of the time I had no idea what I was doing. I feel like everything was just so impulsive all the time. I would go to the man's house, and the whole time I was there I would feel terrible about what I was doing to my husband.
As soon as I cheated I told my husband and although he was heartbroken he was willing to forgive me. But somehow I concocted this scenario in my head that my husband and I's marriage was failing. He wasn't paying enough attention to me. I wasn't happy and I couldn't be happy with him. I know that all of it was a lie, but that's how I was feeling. It was like I was totally apathetic and insensitive to his feelings.
Shortly after the affair ended with him I started speaking to someone else. All of these people were involved in the "BDSM Community". Though, most were abusive assholes. I had a one time 'session' with someone who beat me till I was bruised and then told me he didn't want to speak to me anymore because he needed to put his children first.
I then started seeing someone who was married and I knew it. He had kids, but he had done this before. I started working for him as well and would travel with him for work. This boss got me started smoking weed again and I also started taking pills to try to drown out all the pain I was in.
After that I met someone who lived about 45 minutes away from me. He was by far the worst. I remember I was absolutely terrified of him and I have no idea why I kept going back. I remember one time he bruised me so badly that I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital. None of it seemed to matter though. I guess I felt like it was what I needed or what I deserved. Maybe it was my way of punishing myself for even cheating on my husband in the first place.
I had almost had a one night stand with someone, but we stopped in the middle and I left because neither of us were that attracted to each other. I also had a one night stand on my 19th birthday.
Fast forward a few months and my husband and I are doing fantastic. Better than we've ever been. He knew about 2 of the people, but I didn't have the heart to tell him about the others. Maybe it was because I was ashamed.. Or because I was selfish and was terrified he would leave me.
I'm not trying to justify what I did, I'm just trying to understand. I honestly do not understand why I did what I did or what I was thinking. All of the men that I was with were over 30 while my husband is only 22. When I was 14-15 I slept with 5 guys in just 6 months time. I'm wondering if there is something wrong with me.
This is the thing.. I don't even really like sex. I just really don't understand.
And now I'm pregnant. It was a surprise. My husband is extremely excited and sometimes I am. It has nothing to do with him or the baby. I just don't think that I deserve the baby or my husband. He does so much for me and I hurt him so much.
Today is our two year anniversary and my OBGYN called to tell me that I have Chlamydia and need to take an antibiotic. I've been crying every night since I found out I was pregnant because now I feel like I've trapped my husband and if he knew the extent of what I did he would hate me and never want to be with me again.
I'm going to have to tell my husband when he gets home from work what the doctor said and that he needs to go to the doctor as well to get tested and/or medication.
I just feel like my life is such a mess.
Sorry for such a long rant. I honestly have no where to go and no one to talk to. A lot of people have said that we are young and could manage to get divorced and it wouldn't matter. As stupid as this sounds I do have a lot of respect for marriage and I don't want to get divorced. I love my husband.
Together for 4 years.
Married for 2.
DDay December 2012.
Emotionally separated and contemplated divorce till March 2013.
Reconciled and recovering.
We've never been happier.