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Reconciliation
User Topic: Ridiculed by other BS
Mypoorkids
New Member
Member # 40946
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

My WH was dumped by his OW because she started a new A with another married man. After several weeks of thinking about it, I decided I had to tell the new BS. I called her last night and she told me her H would never cheat on her. She accused me of trying to cause drama in her life. I tried to be sympathetic and kind while I told her specific details.
I honestly wasn't trying to hurt her. I am SO thankful that the OW's husband called and told me about the A!
The other BS later called my H and told him that I was a horrible b#tch! I know I am sensitive but I feel awful. I am also devastated that in addition to my H having an A, I am also dragged into something that I never dreamed I would be a part of.
The hate I have for the OW is starting to become overwhelming. I am going to MC with my WH and taking it day by day but the OW is always on my mind. So much pain.


Me: BS
Him: WS has been in 3+ year A
Married 23 years
D Day: 10/10/13
Teenage kids

Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Brrrrrr
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Just let it roll off of you. I know that is easier said than done. But you did the right thing. You can't control the outcome. That is on the other BS to accept. Many of us had trouble accepting evidence right in front of us. I can imagine her reacting out of fear which she displayed as anger. Perhaps she will be more vigilant and catch him herself now.

You've done nothing wrong. Let he anger wash off you.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry MPK. She is deep in denial and lashing out. I feel awful for both of you. I know this is reconciliation so I'm going to try to choose my words carefully, but how terrible of this one woman (OW) to go around hurting so many people - you, her BH, and now this new BS. Ugh. Like a whirling dervish of disaster.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6663 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
jackson
Member
Member # 18819
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I am truly sorry this happened to you but I expect that the BW is in denial. You have put a bee in her bonnet and I would think that in time she will realize that you were truthful. Meantime you should be proud of yourself for doing the right thing.

Posts: 790 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Midwest
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Ladies here is where I disagree. I would have felt the same way as that BS... I don't think it's anyone's business to tell me my husband is cheating unless he wasn't leaving your wife alone. But your WH was dumped so if anything why get involved. I think it would have been better to talk to the other Wayward and say break it off or your wife might find out.

I am sorry you were hurt but it wasn't your place to do that IMO. Yep I would not be a happy camper.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Dreamland, I don't understand.

If your husband was cheating, you'd prefer not to know based on who the messenger was?

Just making sure I am reading that correctly.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Yes that's right...Actually I prefer not to know at all period.
but yes I would not want to know if he no longer was in the A from former BS or OW..
Of course if he kept perusing and the MOW was breaking it off or other BH was trying to R and my H was a barrier I see that. Otherwise nada..zipp.. My Marriage is Not your business.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

MPK, you absolutely did the right thing, you can't control the outcome. She may or may not be in denial, your words might have given her the truth she didn't want, or wasn't ready to hear. She may very well have been realizing that 2 + 2 wasn't equalling 4. Since she most likely doesn't know you she wouldn't likely fall to your feet in relief. Look how many of us were in denial despite the facts staring at us in the face.
You aren't dragged into anything unless you choose to be. The best thing is to turn to your H and continue your healing. You've informed the new BS - now close that chapter and focus on you & your H.

[This message edited by Lucky at 2:09 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Nice job. You did the right thing by telling the other BS. You can't control her reaction.

I wish one of my WW's friends had enough courage or decency to tell me she was having an A. I would've been immensely thankful.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Mpk, If I were the BS, I don't know how I would have behaved initially, but after the immediate shock, I would have become grateful.

You did a difficult thing, a brave thing, and the right thing. If oBS doesn't recognize that now, she will probably do so in the future.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9986 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Always tell the BS. Better to be told/warned than to find out you've contracted AIDS and your life is now over. Seriously? You wouldn't want to know? You'd rather wake up with herpes? At least she's been alerted and can make a decision to protect herself.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

MPK you did the right thing. As stated the other BS is likely in denial. Many of us wish the other BS had told us. The other BS in my case knew over a year before I found out. I had to find out when my STBXW confessed after an altercation with the other BS that involved the police.

Yes that's right...Actually I prefer not to know at all period.
but yes I would not want to know if he no longer was in the A from former BS or OW.
Personal choice and I am not attacking you just pointing out a difference in opinion. Your M used to be no one's business but your WS took that privacy away from you when he had his A. The WS makes it other people's business when they have an A. The WS removed the privacy from your M not the bearer of bad news that informed you of the A. Also those of us that weren't told often realize when we do find out that there are in fact multiple DDay's and multiple AP's. So yeah I am all for exposing, what the BS does with the information is completely up to them.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1895 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I really believe you did the right thing, as painful as it must have been for both of you. One of the things that is very difficult for me to think about, still, is that one of our 'friends' saw my H out and about with OW, and did not say anything. Not to him, not to me. Quite a few people, actually, knew about it... I wish ONE of them would have had the courage to say SOMETHING. If anyone had said something, I am not sure how I would have handled it. Probably would have been angry, probably would have been in denial, probably would have made excuses for my H. But the fact is, OW is pregnant now. There is no one to blame but my H for that, but I would give anything to have had the chance to confront all this sooner.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2013
What2Thnk
Member
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

You did the right thing.


Me (BS) 42
Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1
DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2
DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger
A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
Clearview
Member
Member # 29565
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

If the people who saw my WS picking up a street hooker had told me in a timely fashion, I wouldn't have HPV today. :(

Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2010
Mypoorkids
New Member
Member # 40946
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Thanks for all your support. I debated about telling her for a couple weeks. I felt sick to my stomach when I actually made the call. The reason that I decided that she had to know is because I kept getting nasty infections. I tested negative for STD's but sure wish I hadn't gotten the infections-disgusting thinking about where they came from.


Me: BS
Him: WS has been in 3+ year A
Married 23 years
D Day: 10/10/13
Teenage kids

Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Brrrrrr
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

OMG....you did the right thing. dont think for one minute that you didnt. you needed to tell the BS. and i know you would appreciate it if someone told you the truth about your husband. no matter how much it hurt.

can you imagine? just going on with your life as a BS, and people knowing your h is cheating on you, but no one tells you? this is how cheating goes on for years and years...nothing stops, people get AIDS!!

and most cheaters do NOT use protection...no matter what they say.

and as a BS, if you want to keep your spouse....it is better that the a be exposed...out in the light...known by both BSs that cheating is taking place.

i am so GRATEFUL that i was told about my husband cheating. and it wasnt even a BS. it was one of his good friends. he risked his friendship with my h....but he told me the truth...and didnt want to see me walking around with my head in the clouds thinking all was well at home when my h was out there screwing around on me, putting my life and our child's life at risk. he was tired of me being the fool.

and once he put that birdy in my ear...i did my own research and found out the ugly truth about his double life.

always, always, always tell it. you would want someone to tell you.

would you really want to be the wife going around thinking your m is good, smiling, doing all the work in the m to make him happy, being a good wife, mother, homemaker, sleeping with him...making all the sacrifices...when the reality is that your m is a sham, and he is having sex with other people behind your back, not even thinkng about you and your feelings? no way.

you did good. way to go. she is mad. but believe me...she will get over you telling her...and will be grateful later. she is just in denial..and doesnt want to believe it. but...when you get a call like that...you can deny it all you want...but you KNOW it is true.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 934 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
brokendancer7
Member
Member # 39911
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I agree that you did the right thing. I would have been beyond thankful if someone had kindly called to tell me what WH was doing.


Me: BS - 58
Him: WS - 56
Married 34 yrs

Latest DD - April 2013, PA


Posts: 188 | Registered: Jul 2013
Mypoorkids
New Member
Member # 40946
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Thanks everyone! I feel a lot better now. I do believe I made the right choice.


Me: BS
Him: WS has been in 3+ year A
Married 23 years
D Day: 10/10/13
Teenage kids

Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Brrrrrr
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

7yrsflushed...
I just respectfully disagree. Just because our WH had affairs doesn't mean that they open the marriage up to the general public. My H only had one A and I would not have believed it unless I found it myself.
IMO that was a hurtful move.. Because you don't gain anything from telling the new BS. It wasn't your H with that OW so just because the OW was with another MM you felt compelled to tell her. I don't like this entitlement of telling the BS's again my opinion.

Hope you focus on healing yourself ...


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I disagree with you, Dreamland. My husband gave me an STD that I wouldn't have known to get checked for if it hadn't been for the other BS telling me about the affair. The affair had been over and I'd never have known that my health had been compromised by a disease that had the potential to kill me.

Sticking your head in the sand may be okay with you but it's not okay with most people in their marriages. My husband invited other people into our marriage. The other BS did nothing wrong by telling me. My husband was the betrayer, not the other BS. Sometimes, what you don't know CAN hurt you.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4032 | Registered: Sep 2005
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I don't like this entitlement of telling the BS's

Entitlement is an interesting way to put it.

I would have to say though that when the truth becomes "mine", I have a responsibility to those being affected by that truth. It is not at all what I would consider an entitlement.

I'm sorry that you feel burdened by your knowledge of the A.

It's a responsibility and burden that none of us "wanted", but are making the" best of".


At any rate, MPK, I am glad you feel better, just making the decision to tell the BS was agonizing for you. You did the best you could...now that the BS has the info, she is free to use it the way she sees fit.
I think of giving important information in a similar fashion as I view giving an apology or a gift..once it's given, you let it go and expect nothing in return, while the other person is free to accept or reject.

(not even preview makes me a better editor: edited for typos!)

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 1:40 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Sorry! My first double post!!!!!

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 1:41 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 2:20 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

My H only had one A and I would not have believed it unless I found it myself.

Telling the BS is the right thing to do. It takes a lot of courage to do so. Someone who has been wronged by betrayal knows intimately how devastating the news is.

Kudos to you for doing the right thing. She may not like the news and try to shoot the messenger but at least she can make an informed choice.

I wish more people would have the cojones to speak out...And I would venture to say that the 40K+ here on SI would second that thought!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

at the end of the day....to me it really doesnt matter who the messenger is upon the discovery of the a...as long as it is discovered. more power to the BS for stepping up and letting another BS know. i dont care if it was my husband's best friend, his dad, co worker, 3rd cousin on his dad's side, twice removed, or the dog....at least somebody told me. my h sure wasnt going to tell me the truth about his double life of cheating on me. i have a RIGHT to know that my "happiness" was a bunch of crap, and i could be at risk for catching a std or AIDS.

yes, AIDS...it is real. unfortunately, with a cheater....regardless of if they had one ap, or several....AIDS is a real thing. and while they were cheating....they thought nothing of your well being, or your family.

so, again...you did the right thing...know that. you helped some poor woman out there know the truth. and in the end, that is all that matters.


you got in her business...so what. she will be grateful later.

my husband's friend who told me about the cheating lost my h as a friend...a bestfriend. as a matter of fact, initially my h wanted to harm him. but who cares? he just told the truth. he butted in...he got in our business...and for that i say to him to this day....THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!

[This message edited by sri624 at 12:46 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 934 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
heme
Member
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

Before D-Day if someone had called me up, especially a lady I didn't know, and told me that my husband was having an affair I wouldn't have believed it. I use to believe I could trust my husband never to cheat on me.. However, if (in my case when) I found out it was true I would have been grateful for the heads up.

Personally, I think you did the right thing. She might not appreciate it right now but hopefully it puts a seed in her mind and she looks into it.


BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.


Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

You did the right thing by telling. I found incriminating e-mails almost a year after my H stopped the A. Only one person knew, an old friend of my H's that I never see who lives miles away, my H used to stop at his place occasionally if he was travelling for work. I hardly know him, but he could easily have either told me, or put pressure on my H to stop. He knew no details, didn't want my H to tell him any, and gave vague disapproval. But if he'd had the courage to tell me I could have stopped it earlier. I've told my H he is not welcome in my house, anyone who knew what was happening and didn't try to stop it is not a friend of my marriage.

A stranger telling me my H was having an affair? It would have been shocking, but I would certainly have started prying (having been blindly trusting) which would have blown it wide open, the evidence wasn't hard to find. I would have been so grateful.

The new BS will probably cool down and start digging, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

[This message edited by overandone at 6:48 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 220 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, November 15th (Friday)

I know that if I were that BS I would have been very thankful that you contacted me to let me know. I firmly believe that you did do the right thing!


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 28