User Topic: Divorce/What do you wish you asked for?
Member # 40898
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I was sitting here thinking and realized I haven't really thought of what I want to ask for except for general things....child support, alimony (but how long and how much idk), half pension, etc...

What are some things that I should be considering, that I may not be thinking of with all the stress of everything else. The household goods are pretty much split except a few things. We are trying to sell the home but he just moved the OW into it. Just curious what do you wish you had asked for?

me(BS)-34 him(WS)-32 DS-15
Married 15 years
Blindsided with divorce 07-12-13
DD-08-1-13 OW-40ish,married 20 yrs, with 4 kids she abandoned
Divorcing and trying to move one tiny step forward at a time.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I wish I had asked for him to do all of the driving for the visitation.
I wish I had asked that if he got remarried, he would have to get off my health insurance.

me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."

Posts: 2601 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I basically got everything I wanted or needed.
Child support definitely if you have children together.
Do you own property together? How do you want to disburse it?
Spousal maintenance?
Are you in a community property state, no fault???
Do you have investments, 401K, retirement pensions?
How long have you been married? That can play a factor too.
How much spousal maintenance will you need to keep afloat and minor emergencies/disasters?
If you have kids, joint custody, specific visitation, travel. Do you want him taking them out of state if he moves away? Who will pay for travel expenses if he moves out of state?
Best think you can do is a budget. Add in about $400 more a month because you will forget stuff. Determine how much assistance you will need...i.e. do you work as well?
Who will remain in the family home, if you own property?

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2334 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I basically got what I wanted and that included him paying travel expenses for any visitation (he moved out of state). We also have it that DD17 (she was 16 at time of filing) could decide visitation, based on financial ability for XPOS to pay. She doesn't want to see him, so it is a moot point and we don't have to play the visitation schedule game.

Also, if you have any pets, be sure you include their ownership in your settlement. They are considered property in the eyes of the court, and some here have had nasty pet issues.

BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet

Posts: 1189 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Provisions for the children's college.
An ironclad division of his military pension (he "got out" instead of retiring and left me with nothing)
I wish now I had pushed for spousal support, since I have no retirement in my current job, and none from his (see above). Maybe with SS, I could get my head above water...

Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I got everything I wanted. Caught him early before he got angry. X has to pay kids' medical, dental, orthodontics, car at 16yo including maintenance and insurance of car, college tuition and expenses and private school if they choose to go. He has to maintain life insurance to cover alimony and child support. Alimony continues until I get married or die; child support until coming of age (forgot the legal term) which is 19yo in my state. I got the house and belonging, my car, land, half retirement and half of investment property. He has to maintain medical insurance on me for 3 years and keep his name on our mortgage until tween graduates from high school. In return, I didn't touch his business which would have been a death sentence for it. I think I was pretty generous!

Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

The college piece is huge. I wont pay for college after the kids reach 21. I won't pay if they are emancipated or move out before 21.

My aunt, who was divorced 10 years ago is being take back to court by her ex for their 25 year old daughter's college tuition. Not!

Child Support
Health Insurance

The usual.

Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I wish I had at least tried to get one more year for the spousal support. At the time, the max was 3 years, and I went into the mediation wanting 2 years, in part because I figured I only needed 2 years but also because my attorney suggested that it'd be tough to get longer than that. Given that ex and his attorney first tried for only 12 months at a considerably less amount than I was asking for, my attorney may have had a very valid point.

But I wish I had started with asking for 3 years, instead of the 2 years. I did get the 2 years of support, at the dollar amount I wanted. But in hindsight, it just would have made things easier financially if the spousal support had lasted an additional year.

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 12164 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

For sure, if you are in position to do so, get the college tuition worked out, and the unreimbursed medical. That can be so huge! Braces, eyecare; so expensive. And all the school activities, sports, camps, etc. My attorney was really on top of all stuff, thankfully.

Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Thanks for this thread! Going to see my L tomorrow to check in and I will ask him about these things. Will post if I get any new info.

BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Great topic, Lost15! I look forward to everyone's response.

Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Hmm. Be sure to think through visitation issues around holidays and bdays.

Tax refunds.

But if he is in the marital home... I wonder is he paying all the expenses until it sells? As he should. Sometimes the person living there would get reimbursed for 50% mortgage payments made while waiting for it to sell -- (offset in the final division after sale) but he has a renter (OW) I'd want to not have to reimburse him for those mortgage payments. If he pushing for reimbursement... I'd want 1/2 the rent (or what should be considered rent.) Not sure that's doable but I'd ask about it.

What happens to the marital home if he dies before it sells? Who pays for repairs or deductibles if it needs work in the meantime. If he defaults on the mortgage? If work needs to be done for the sale? Keeping the "renter" in mind.

Health insurance. Life insurance to cover alimony and CS. He pays Cobra if he leaves his job.

Tools! Be sure you have a set of standard tools. And don't underestimate the value of tools, ladders, etc. (these are assets and expensive to replace what you might need).

And because this is a negotiation - ask for more than what you want! My inclination was to be reasonable - an unremorseful WS usually isn't. And some have the need to beat you down further to "win"... Ask for more than is reasonable so you can be whittled down to what is reasonable.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

This is a link that is standard in SC. The link lists an atty in SC - kimberly dunham, but I don't know who that is, but these are the exact orders I got.

If your children are young, be sure to ask for Halloween every year or at least every other year.

I also got right of first refusal -- which is if my XWH is going to be unavail for 4 hrs or more, I get to have the kids instead of his OW,, it's the same for him, so when I have to work on a Sat. night, they have the kids and have to feed them!!!

Some people on here got it put in their papers that there can be no introductions of new girlfriends/boyfriends for 6 months.

Get your atty to subpoena from his HR dept a statement of his true gross earnings!!! If anything is taken out pre tax- like 401k, insurance, etc then it doesn't show up on a w2! I got my child support upped 100/mo because even my atty didn't know this!!!

I got the kids med bills 75/25 (I pay 25/%) and I got orthodontics included.

I got the house, all the equity,never have to refi, a car, everything in the house, part of his 401K, he had to pay a major loan we had out,

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2214 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I noticed that you asked about household items.

One thing I noticed about X in this situation is that he hasn't asked for many of the inheritance furniture or belongings from his family.

I'm going to mention them at some point, because I don't want any trouble about them later or if OW decides something about them, if she wants them or for her own tribe... I don't want to be harassed later or accused of keeping them against his will. I was very surprised at some of the items he left behind and chose to leave that he used to care about very much.

Maybe leaving reminders of the past is part of his re-booting his life, but in a way it made me sad. Some things are valuable and I will keep them for my kids.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 40898
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Thanks for all the advise. I'm glad I started this thread. Things I'm going to ask for are:
-child support(a given and he doesn't argue this)
-maintenance(he says he will refuse this. We were married 15yrs, I was a SAHM, and recently graduated and am currently working part-time and studying for my CPA)
-1/2 of retirement accounts(he isn't too happy about this)
-percentage of all extracurricular activities and copays over the child support
-a life insurance policy while I am receiving maitenance and child support
-DS insurance paid for by him
-my insurance paid for by him for a period of time
-visitation will be worked out with DS since he is almost 15 and STBXH lives 12 hours away
-he pays for all visitation travel
-I am probably going to sign the home over to him since we have been trying to sell it for over a year and it is more of a liability and I don't planning on moving back.
-I get our dog (he is with me now anyway and I have found out he has been replaced by a new puppy already)
-Some type of agreement for college for DS
-My L plans to ask that he pay off all CC debts since I will be stuck with a substantial student loan to pay off myself
I'm sure I am missing things but that is a start.
Thanks homewrecked for the link.

me(BS)-34 him(WS)-32 DS-15
Married 15 years
Blindsided with divorce 07-12-13
DD-08-1-13 OW-40ish,married 20 yrs, with 4 kids she abandoned
Divorcing and trying to move one tiny step forward at a time.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, November 15th (Friday)

In SC, and it may not be in your state, at the end of the divorce hearing both attys get together and fill out this paper showing that both parties have received an equitable distribution. So they listed on one side, wife gets equity in the house, vehicle, and boat,,,,on the other side of the page, it shows where he got x amount of the 401K and his truck. I then got more of the 401K because I asked for extra from 401K in lieu of alimony. I needed the money now and if he loses his job, I'd be screwed. Plus, it benefited him because he wasn't out of pocket each month while trying to impress the slut.

So, hopefully since you are willing to give him the equity in the house, you'll get more on the 401K.

Do you have an appraisal on the home? If you think the value has gone up recently, get an appraiser who will do a drive by appraisal on the home w/o your WS knowing. That way, if the value is now higher, you can ask for more from the 401K to offset.

My atty said it is very standard to request the home be refinanced in a certain time limit. With them living in the home, who knows what they will do to keep it from selling. Plus, if you are on the loan, it's going to show up on your credit.

Above all, be ready at any time that your atty can call and say they are willing to settle. I wouldn't budge on the 401k money and they kept calling these settlement meetings. Finally it went to the day before court and I got what I wanted. Plus

on the day of the divorce, he was trying to act like mr nice guy in front of his friend, so my atty asked for him to finish paying off one child's braces and keeping life ins. on him with his 3 children listed as beneficiaries til the last child is 18. He said ok!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 6:36 AM, November 15th (Friday)]

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2214 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 40898
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, November 16th (Saturday)

No I haven't had an appraisal done. I will have to look into that. We were trying to sell the house before this happened, so the house has been on the market for over a year. We have had no offers, other than renters. The market in the area just isn't very good and for what we need to break even I think the price is too high. My L said that even if he were to keep it and take it off the market, a judge would likely not award me anything because he would be taking the liability. There isn't a lot of equity but there is some and if he were to keep the house I don't understand why I won't be compensated for signing it over to him. I don't think he is going to settle out of court, he has just tried to make all of this as difficult as he can. I don't understand why, since he is the one who wanted it.

me(BS)-34 him(WS)-32 DS-15
Married 15 years
Blindsided with divorce 07-12-13
DD-08-1-13 OW-40ish,married 20 yrs, with 4 kids she abandoned
Divorcing and trying to move one tiny step forward at a time.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Oct 2013
Helen of Troy
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

Legal custody not just physical. He never once went to medical or dental appts since that wasn't written in divorce he will now make drama about it, he doesn't care about the kids he just wants to feel powerful and can't get over the abandonment that I finally had the nerve to get rid of his stupid, dope smoking cheating ass. He uses this as leverage now. He still doesn't care unless someone is watching then he puts on a big show.

[This message edited by will get by at 4:05 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, November 18th (Monday)

Just 2 more things....

Ask that he provide annual proof that he has kept paying for the life insurance.

Ask for a cost of living adjustment on the alimony. (example - My rent has gone up $200 in 8 years which is normal and it sure eats into your budget.)

I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.

Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Member # 40898
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, November 18th (Monday)

will get by - I am asking for legal physical custody. I wish I could just get sole custody since he hasn't shown up yet for DS in months.

Pippy- I didn't even think of asking for a cost of living increase!

Thank you everyone!

me(BS)-34 him(WS)-32 DS-15
Married 15 years
Blindsided with divorce 07-12-13
DD-08-1-13 OW-40ish,married 20 yrs, with 4 kids she abandoned
Divorcing and trying to move one tiny step forward at a time.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 20