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User Topic: Huge life decision and I need some good karma and prayers please
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
What?  Posted: 12:56 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Okay...so the last 2 years have been really rough for me. When I was pregnant with my daughter, my older sister begged and pleaded with me to watch her for me for free....knowing my financial situation and my over-the-top student loan debt. I agreed...desperate and moved one block away from her. It seemed perfect at the time and it worked well for a while.

Well, fast forward to now. My daughter is 15 months old and my sister and I now fight like cats and dogs.....I have barely been able to make ends meet and have been forced to sell countless things on Ebay including lots of my favorite jewelry just to pay bills. My sister now resents me for not paying her even though I've tried to explain to her that I would if I could. I have medical bills that I am way behind on as it is!

I have felt trapped. Depressed. Suicidal. We fight so much that I have lost hope. I can't win an argument with her. All I want is peace. But, anything I say or do...and I do mean ANYTHING will set her off. She has the shortest fuse on the planet and I have been racking my brain for a solution here. She wants to watch my daughter but hates me for not paying her. She tells me that she considers Piper 50% hers until she dies... but she will throw absolutely EVERYTHING she does for her in my face. If she buys her a toy....or food...or anything (of which she doesn't HAVE to do because I provide everything she needs) I will hear about it in an argument.

So, tonight....after much soul searching....I am going to sit down with my dad....who lives in my large childhood home alone... and swallow my pride....and ask him if I can move back in with him with my daughter for exactly 2 to 3 years. I have an exit strategy. My car will be paid off in exactly less than 2 years as of October 1st. My credit cards will be paid off in exactly 2 years and 9 months.... I will either move out when A. those bills are paid off or B. I can get Piper into a free Pre-K program, whichever comes first.

This plan would benefit all involved because 1st off....I would pay my sister $400 a month to watch my daughter, thus giving her what she wants monetarily (more than she asked of $50 a week DOUBLE actually) AND letting her spend the time with my daughter that she wants to do before her cerebral palsy gets too bad for her to watch her. IF and WHEN the stress and/or physicalness of watching my child becomes an issue.....we can do part-time and I will pay someone else to watch her a few days a week. Whatever. But, I can't afford to live on my own AND pay for childcare as a single mom with as much debt as I have.

I just can't. It is what it is.

I will promise my dad that I will buy all our own groceries, pay for all the paper products, detergent, etc for the house. I will cook, clean, and help him get his house ready to sell in a couple of years.... and help him with utilities and so forth as much as I possibly can.

I feel like this is the best decision for me and my sister. And, best of all...I get my power back. I have felt powerless as a mother.....hopeless... my sister has threatened to not watch my daughter and I've been reduced to begging her to forgive me for things that I knew I was not wrong about. I want my power and control back I AM HER MOTHER! ME! If she and I can't get along, in this situation, I will have the power and the means to pay someone else to watch my child without the constant stress and eggshells of trying to please an unpleasable and drama insatiable individual. This will reduce my stress and increase my happiness.

I may be giving up my independence temporarily... but I will be gaining control, power, happiness, and my sanity. It seems like a win win to me.

Please pray for me that my talk with my dad goes well. If he is not willing to do this....I don't know what I will do.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 1:00 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Shelly,

It sounds like an interesting plan. Would it make sense to pay someone else to watch Piper and then relieve yourself of your sister's emotional wrath? Is that even financially feasible? That would be the only thing I'd ask to try to make your life easier. Why put yourself through that?


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

My only comment is please understand that your sister likely isn't going to suddenly change her tune because you pay her. You know her best but my guess is she will start up about something else. Also why pay her more than she asked for. Use the extra cash to get you back on your feet even sooner. Or just pay someone else to watch her.

I wish you the best with your plan. Do you think it would help to have an actual contract with your Father? You could spell out exactly what you will and won't pay for of the household expenses. Also don't oversell what you will or won't do for your Father. I don't know your family at all but you don't want to end up being his Mother as well. He is helping out but you should spend your time and energy caring for yourself and your daughter.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
PricklePatch
Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

My sister also made the same comments. She later decided that she was the better mother. She chose not to have children. She started trying to get my dd to say she loved her more. She ended up trying to gather evidence against us to get custody of our child. She went to friends and neighbors and they said their was no neglect. She felt she could prove it due to my child's illness, which is organic. A friend called an let me know what was happening, this friend was th last approached she. was informed she was going to social services and would be removing my child, 3000 miles away.

My point here is your sister is your sister. As hurtful as it is she is not your child's parent. I in therapy came to realize like my husband, I ha poor boundaries with her. Please move in with your dad. Then look to shore up boundaries with your sister. Hugs


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 293 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Would it make sense to pay someone else to watch Piper and then relieve yourself of your sister's emotional wrath? Is that even financially feasible? That would be the only thing I'd ask to try to make your life easier. Why put yourself through that?

The only reason that I'm going to try to go this route FIRST is because my sister is dying of a horrible disease...and says her doctors only give her a couple of years.... I don't know how true that is...but she wants "her niece to know her" (her quote). She loves my daughter like her own and is good to her. My daughter loves her very much too....we joke that she is the "baby's daddy" since he is not in the picture. I want to give my sister the option. But, at least now, I won't feel powerless if it doesn't work out. I will have the control and the means to seek help elsewhere without panic. I love my sister and I want her to be happy. So, I'm willing to sacrifice my independence to do this and try to extend one last olive branch. If this doesn't work.....at least I will have somewhere to go and not a deadend street....

My dad is a very giving man....and he will expect very little of me. I will help him when I can...cleaning and cooking I do ANYWAY so that is nothing new.....and helping him out with utilities seems fair. I think he will do this because it will help my sister out and he worries about her health too. And, I know he loves me and Piper and now that Piper is older and sleeping through the night...he won't have a crying baby waking him up at night (at least not often)

And, most of all...I need to reduce my stress. I worry about money ALL. THE. TIME. I need to get rid of the guilt trips that she gives me and the constant hopelessness I feel.... and take back my control over my life. I've typed out a budget of all my bills and hypothetical expenses (childcare to my sister etc and a storage unit) to show my dad tonight....I'm gonna go in with all my I's dotted and T's crossed....and hope he is agreeable to it.... because I NEED this to work!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 1:54 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I don't know Shelly, while there may be some financial upsides, this sounds like getting more indebted to family, not less.

Even the financial benefit may be somewhat questionable. You will be paying your sister, contributing to your father's household, probably spending more on gas, running errands for your father, going out more to get alone time, etc...

As soon as you let someone take on an expense (day care, rent) they will question every dollar you spend. While they are trying to help, they don't want to be taken for granted (perhaps this is the tension with your sister?)

It might serve you better to take an honest look at your finances. Downsize your car/apartment, talk to a debt counselor, work on a budget, hold off on more races until you have a comfortable emergency fund, cut down on socializing to give your sister some relief from watching Piper.

You can get out of this on your own Shelly, you've made it this far.

ETA: Mojo and (((Shelly)))

[This message edited by Crescita at 2:48 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 3385 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Your sister's doctor told her she has only a couple years before she dies and yet she is now able to care for your Piper all day long, five days a week? I have a good friend who has cerebral palsy and though I admit I don't know much about the condition, she is in her late 40s and going strong. I would think if your sister only had a couple years left, she would be way too ill to watch your child?

I also think you should consider filing a chapter 7 bankruptcy. I'm not sure if you can include your school loans on that but I know you can include the medical bills. Your situation is exactly why this program was created, so I would urge you to take advantage of the help.

I also would urge you to find someone else to watch your baby girl because your sister doesn't sound normal to me and God only knows what kind of crap she is putting into Piper's head. I think it's a good idea to move in with your dad, too.

[This message edited by cissi at 3:35 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1411 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

It''s a decent plan insofar as we all know you need to do something but ...

1. Why pay your sister more than what she asked for? Don''t. Pay her what she asked.

2. Ask your dad what he would want from you financially if you moved back for 2-3 rather than offering something upfront. He might surprise you and ask for less, or ask for things that aren''t money related (rides, a family dinner once a week, time with your daughter etc.)

I say both of these because, if you try and super-engineer this to ward off sis or dad getting pissed with you (b/c look how $ generous I am dad and sis! I''m not taking advantage of you!), that''s not going to happen. Plus, if you super-engineer this that just shifts who you owe without giving you the breathing room you think you''re going to get, you''re just going to find yourself in a tighter spot.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3079 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Right. I agree cayc.

I have to do something. I have cut my budget in my situation as much as I know to and have been eating sandwiches for lunch and leftovers for a year to cut on food costs. But, with my other student loan coming out of forbearance in the Spring....there is no way to cut corners and stay where I am AND pay my sister for childcare too. I haven't been able to pay on some medical bills I have looming over me because my check is literally GONE when I get paid. This is not a rash decision. This is something I have thought about for many many months and racked my brain over every type of scenario from roommates to moving to a 1 bedroom apartment (which would only cut costs a tiny bit) etc etc. This is the absolute best way to reduce stress and give me back some of my control over my life. I feel completely powerless and I hate it. I need to do something and I think this is a good plan.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
HeartStings
Member
Member # 38017
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Just be prepared for your father to say no. I had a friend in the same situation as you and she went to her parents and asked if she and her baby could move back into their huge house. They told her NO in no uncertain terms. She chose to have a child out of wedlock, so she had to figure it out. They did loan her money, though, so that she could buy an old mobile home to save money on rent. It worked out so well for her that she was able to buy her own house 5 years later.

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New England
risingfromashes
Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

It sounds like you have really thought this through. I am sorry that you have had to make these difficult decisions. Please let us know how your talk with your Dad goes.
I am impressed that you have thought far enough in the future to have an exit plan. You will land on your feet!


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1632 | Registered: Mar 2004
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

This sounds like a great plan. I hope it works out.

What are the chances of your sister asking to move in to?

I would reconsider having your sister look after Piper. Certainly not 5 days a week. I would pay her what she asks and find someone else to do a few days a week. I would also tell her this deal is conditional on her NOT overstepping boundaries.

No more fights or you stop spending time together. Come up with a safe-word or something when you each feel the urge to fight.

You are grown women - there is no need to fight like cats and dogs. It is completely inappropriate. I have a sister - I understand the dynamic but that shit needs to end. Think of what you are modelling for Piper. It sounds like an abusive M.

I think your judgement is clouded here. You are in a very vulnerable position and I don't think you can see that what she is doing is abuse.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5554 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
hemademesingle
Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I think it is a great idea, as long as you have a decent relationship with your dad, from reading previous posts it sounds like you do. Talk to him, be honest, let him know what is going on, he may have wanted to reach out to you, but has been hesitant, Let me tell you my experience

I moved back home with my parents when my son was a year old, it was not ideal, having only 1 bedroom for me and my son,by this time in my parents life they were living in a condo,enjoying retirement, but it worked. The love and stability that my son received was the best thing for him. There were times when I would have to have a discussion with my dad that chocolate pudding was not a breakfast item,but once in awhile it was okay, my parents actually loved it, they would get down on the floor and play with my son,they had time and patience,

The thing that was nice for me was having the extra pair of eyes keeping him safe. My parents wouldn't take money so I cooked,cleaned, cut grass, shoveled snow,all while they watched him, I didn't need to wait to get things done till he was sleeping, I would buy groceries, special stuff for them that they may not buy for themselves, order dinner in or take them to a restaurant once in awhile.

As far as the babysitting, I wouldn't pay anymore than what was originally asked for, that extra money can go to pay down a debt quicker, or just be able to breath a little easier. As to your sisters capability health-wise to watch Piper, as long as you feel she is capable and healthy enough to care for her, and keep her safe, and she feels capable and healthy enough to care and keep her safe, if the answer is yes then she would be my first choice, you most definitely need to keep this discussion on the fore front, Piper's care is important and so is your sister's health,

If it were me I would talk to my dad, if he agrees, then I would give notice where I live, let sister know that I will start paying her, I would start to list everything that I could sell that I will no longer need,nor have the place to keep, I would not pay storage, can things be stored at your dad's or sisters? depending on how much space you can get, you might find that you have to downsize to the maximum,I had too, I kept things that were really special, if you all work together as a family it can be a really rewarding situation


Posts: 377 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I think others have given you good input about your dad and your sister. You are in northern VA or close? I think that may be why you are willing to pay "more" for childcare, because a child her age would cost almost that much a week for full time childcare in the DC metro area (if people don't realize that about around these parts).

Also, if you do move in with your father, make sure he doesn't become too dependent on you. My SO moved in with his parents after his sep. His parents health started failing and when he was ready to move out in ~2 yrs, they had a lot of issues with it. Nothing said out loud, but constant calls to do this or that. He did sooooo much around the house and they honestly just missed his company too. So if you do plan to move out, keep on talking about it, your dad might LOVE you and his granddaughter living with him (who wouldn't!!!!) and not want you to move out in a couple of years But the benefit will be that your dd will have a very special relationship with her grandfather and you will get to know him as an adult. Cherish the time!

[This message edited by million pieces at 7:31 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

It sounds like an abusive M.

That's exactly what it feels like at this point. When we fight...it takes me back in time to a time when my mother and my father would fight... my mom (is my sister in this situation) would be the one screaming, slamming doors, being completely unreasonable and always right....and there was no arguing with her...you let her win or the fight escalated until you gave up. My dad knew this and over time I watched him just give in. He never screamed or yelled or fought back. He stood by idly like a whipped puppy saying "Yes dear" "I'm sorry dear" "I love you dear" until she had had enough ass-kissing to pacify her in that moment or he left the house exasperated and in desperate need of escaping peace. I am my dad in this situation. I am 9 years YOUNGER than my sister but I feel like the adult here. I try to find constructive ways to discuss problems we have without yelling and try to come up with mutually beneficial solutions and she is so emotionally immature (as my therapist puts its) that you can't reason with her.

As of right now....I have ZERO power. If she told me today that she either could not or would not watch Piper anymore....I would have to scramble and use my friends mom (who watches her on the weekend and has her own health issues but NEVER complains....I love her so much...she is like a mom to me) to watch her temporarily until I could either A. Get a roach infested 1 bedroom apartment which would only save me a couple hundred a month in my city (I have a decent place to live for what I pay) B. Get a roommate (which could bring all sorts of other problems should the person that I end up with be untrustworthy) or C. Move back in with my dad.

I have weighed all of these options carefully. I don't like the idea of moving out my HOME, giving up my independence, and my pride to live with my father for 2 to 3 years. I hate this. BUT....of all the options I have....that is the best choice for everyone.

He lives in a HUGE house...by himself and has plenty of room for us. I would put most of my things in storage except for what I would need for our bedrooms. I would goodwill a lot of things and throw away a lot of the clutter that doesn't necessarily need to follow me. I would be moving to a better area, with better schools, so that when my daughter IS old enough for school, she can go somewhere much safer and better (meaning moving at school age was a must for me as it is because of where I live now). I only moved to the duplex I am now because its one street over from where my sister lives and when Piper was a newborn and I had to go to work after 6 weeks, it was the most convenient for the childcare relationship. Plus, we had a better relationship at that time and it has only become more bitter and distant as time goes on and my sister feels resentful towards me for me not paying her (despite her having begged me while pregnant to watch her for FREE knowing my financial situation which I reiterated to her over and over and over again telling her that one day it would reach this point ....to no avail - "in one ear and out the other!")

My dad did admit that it would be a big change in his lifestyle and I agreed that it would.....and it would be for me too... but I told him that I would help him clean and cook and paint and do all sorts of things for him around the house! I've decided to offer my sister around what she asked as you all have suggested and tell her I need the extra money to catch up my bills that are behind, pay for a storage unit, and make up for the extra gas mileage to/from dad's house and so forth.

I fully expect her to get mad and try the old statement "Fine then, find someone else to watch her and you can move into grandma's house (which is where she lives...my grandmother's old house after she died and she pays my dad rent) and then I will just move away out of town away from everyone." And, I will just say, "Okay, if that makes you happy."

I have made up my mind on this.... and I think this will be good to help get me back on my feet. If I pay her what she asks and no more than that...I will have enough after catching up bills to SAVE something to help me when I move out again and get a fresh start. If she decides not to watch my daughter anymore, I will have the means and the control to take her elsewhere....drama free. I like that idea. I have come to peace with making a few sacrifices in the short-term in order to build a stronger foundation in the long-term for my and my daughter's future. And, I think this is a step in the right direction.

My dad's conversation ended with us sharing a hug and him telling me he loves me and that everything will be okay. And, I think so too. Thank you all for your great advice... It is very much appreciated!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:27 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Shelly, you might want to transition your sister from being the daycare provider for Piper to being her aunt. Have someone else take care of Piper, while your sister can have Piper regularly but less frequently, for fun aunt-niece stuff.

Cayc's advice about asking your dad what he would like in return for your living at home is a good one. It will put the two of you on a better footing.

Good luck. You're a good momma, and a *cool* one too! (just remembering the pix of you in your wedding dress from the color run!)

ETA: oops, cross posted! Sounds like you have worked it out well. Good job setting boundaries!

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 8:24 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Sep 2012
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Well, and I think the timing for this is perfect too. My dad won't feel "strapped" like he did when I had to live with him briefly during my divorce because he has turned 65 and is also getting Social Security on top of his full-time salary, which has helped him TREMENDOUSLY...so I won't have to help him financially unless he asks me to. I offered and he declined. But, I CAN help clean, I'm a pretty good cook and he never cooks... and I love to paint and do odd jobs like that....all for free for letting us stay!

My sister isn't going to have a say in this. She is just going to have to accept it or not. PERIOD. It is what is best for Piper and I..... and in the long-run will be for her too. She won't be able to complain anymore and if she does....I can easily go somewhere else.

I'm putting up a hypothetical invisible fence. She is the yipper dog who used to run the neighborhood free to nip at the heels of any passerbys she felt like (mostly me) and now she will be confined to her yard. She can accept it or lie down and pout.... but it is what it is. If she tries to run through that boundary.... I will zap her with my shock collar. Because the shock and reality of this situation is....if she truly wants to continue watching my daughter because she loves her and wants her in her life.... she needs to buck up and act like a respectful adult. We shall see how this goes. Either way, I won't have the horrible stress on me that I have had over the past year any longer and that thought makes me feel at ease.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I for one am ecstatic you are doing this.

There is nothing like having your child around family, and the bonding that the two of them will have is priceless.

You've thought this out very logically (expected, seeing you're an accountant ) and IMO you have an exit plan which is exactly what this type of situation calls for - something for both you and your dad to prepare for.

Two thumbs up, Shelly!

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21049 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Shelly, I think this is the best decision you've made for yourself. Twice in my life I've had to make major sacrifices to my living situation to relieve financial stress. The emotional cost of giving up my independence or in one case my dream house post D, was far less than the cost of the financial stress.

You will be happier and life will fall into place much better for you.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I for one am ecstatic you are doing this.
There is nothing like having your child around family, and the bonding that the two of them will have is priceless.

You've thought this out very logically (expected, seeing you're an accountant ) and IMO you have an exit plan which is exactly what this type of situation calls for - something for both you and your dad to prepare for.

Two thumbs up, Shelly!

Shelly, I think this is the best decision you've made for yourself. Twice in my life I've had to make major sacrifices to my living situation to relieve financial stress. The emotional cost of giving up my independence or in one case my dream house post D, was far less than the cost of the financial stress.
You will be happier and life will fall into place much better for you.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. This was NOT an easy decision for me and I will admit that I kinda broke down crying from the stress of having to even suck up my pride to ask my father for such a HUGE request. But, it had to be done. I know my sister will try to say "You could move in with me" which I would only do if the thought of living in an 8 x 12 cell from being sentenced to 1st degree murder was a fun way to spend the rest of my life on this planet. Because I would give it Ahhhhhh about a week before I killed her or we killed each other.... whichever came first.

I fully expect a fight to come of this...and I will prepare my dad for the initial blow. She is going to try the old tantrum of "kicking and screaming" and "You and dad are against me" blah blah blah.... and I will explain to her calmly how this will benefit her AND me and how I will be helping dad out as well... and the long-term benefits and how it is "once again" NON-NEGOTIABLE. So, regardless of whether she watches Piper or not....we are moving. PERIOD. I am 34 years old and she is not going to treat me like her 8 year old baby sister any longer.

I am an adult making a difficult life decision and am doing what I believe to be best for my daughter and I's life. Simple. As. That.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I'm living with my mom and her husband right now and while it has been a bit of a blow to my pride, it's allowing me to get my finances in order. I also have a fairly crippling student loan and I've been able to make some huge strides towards getting it under control.

A huge theme of your posts since I've been a member here have had to do with the extreme stress that your finances have caused you. This sounds like a great way to get some relief and get your life back on track. I say go for it!


Posts: 1677 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
MelisssaZZZ
Member
Member # 25953
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

hey, i am also in camp applauding for this (if your dad is ok with it!)

this at least seems like a more permanent solution to selling off things in ebay :). This will allow you to save money/ regroup and prepare for moving forward.

i can relate very much to your arguments with sister - i have very similar sister. (she gets upset with me (or anyone) if they are every upset with her for anything!!

also, remember to put targets for yourself - how much to save etc, as surely after this long struggling the inclinations will be to spend a bit :).

I am sure Piper will love being close to grandpa :)

Good luck!


Me BS - 37
WH 39
1 child - 5yrs
married 5 yrs, together 7
DD1 midmarch 09
DD2 early june 09
some more DD's of course - cannot bother to list
LTA (2 yrs) fully?? finished mid Aug 09
Status: Divorced Oct 2011

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London, UK
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I also have a fairly crippling student loan and I've been able to make some huge strides towards getting it under control.

^^^THIS THIS and THIS

My student loans are probably my biggest financial burden of all! I have 4! All of which are refinanced to the lowest extreme I can get as far as payments go and 1 of which I have on forbearance until April 2014. Once that kicks back in though.... I won't have enough money for groceries anymore. Another reason for this decision.

I think dad will see the long-term benefits of having this close time with Piper while she is little.....and before she starts school. He is the only biological grandparent that she has that is in her life at all! It saddens me but it would make me very happy to see them have an even stronger bond than they already do. Piper loves him very much and I'm very much a "Daddy's girl!" I'm my dad's only biological child and he adopted my sister when she was 8. But, he has never treated us differently. He is truly a very good man and I'm proud to have him as my dad and very thankful to his open heart and kindness regarding this whole situation.

Plus, it might be nice for her to have a male figure in her life that is close to her to look up to. He has a lot of life experience and is very responsible and kind and is the kind of influence I would want Piper to have in her life. I want her to know what a REAL man is supposed to act like and he is a wonderful rolemodel to that.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 11:36 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
timeforchange
Member
Member # 27454
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Am so pleased for you Shelly.

The words about giving Piper a man to look up to really touched me.

What a gift to give to your daughter. A less anxious and stressed mom and a closer loving relationship with her grandpa.

Something tells me you are going to be just fine.



Me = BS aged 43
2 boys, 13 and 9
DDay 1/19/10
Confronted him 2/16/10
Finally Divorced 8/29/12

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”


Posts: 726 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Expats in Europe
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
DOH!  Posted: 1:06 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Something tells me you are going to be just fine.

Thank you. Me too. Today my dad has already blessed me with the gift of calmness. I've felt a sense of relief all day. All I could see was darkness not weeks ago....and now I see the light... and its beautiful!

Granted...I will be making many sacrifices....such as probably not even attempting to date for 3 years....loss of independence....pride reduction...etc... But, those things are SO WORTH building a better future for my child... a stronger, more secure future! Giving her a less stressed mommy and more time with her grandpa! Taking back my life!

I'm not exactly sure when I want to tell my sister yet though. I told dad to keep it between us while we iron out the details. I may wait until after the holidays to break the news. I won't be officially moving until March 1st because I want my tax return to help me get a storage unit set up, pay for the U-Haul and other expenses. And, my sister being the drama vacuum that she is....I would prefer to not give her anymore sucking power time than absolutely necessary. I fully expect her to not react well at first...so I will have to prepare for the worst case scenario and figure out how to best handle it when it comes about.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 1:08 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Granted...I will be making many sacrifices....such as probably not even attempting to date for 3 years....loss of independence....pride reduction...etc...

I totally get all of this. Hell, I really wanted to ask my Optometrist out on Monday (she was really attractive and she complimented my optic nerve. She MUST have liked me!) but I didn't because I don't want "going back to my place" to mean meeting Mom. It sucks but it's a hell of a lot better than financial stress.

I really hope your Dad is up for it because this sounds like it could be great for you.


Posts: 1677 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I'm not understanding why your sister is going to be upset. You are going to pay her what she asked, right? What is there for her to be upset about? Because you are moving in with your dad? Why?? Wouldn't she rather see that so she can get paid and you can get caught up?

Also, are you going to start paying her now, or in March after you move? Isn't that going to upset her more than you moving, having to wait that long to be paid?

[This message edited by cissi at 1:26 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1411 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

You are going to pay her what she asked, right? What is there for her to be upset about?

Well, to give you an idea... and I love my sister...but she is the epitome of what a "Drama Queen" is. She thrives on drama and if its not in her life, she looks for it! I'm going to try to angle this all in her favor because IT IS.... but she will take it and probably try to "spin it" like Dad and I are against her or some other odd spin on it like I am just doing it to shut her up (which is kinda true). I'm just preparing for the drama. I told my dad that he and I could go out into the wilderness and live in a cave as long as we had all that we needed to survive and be perfectly happy in our nice BORING cave! My sister, on the other hand, would eventually hate the "boring" and go in search of a big bear to rile up!

But, I'm prepared for this....and I don't care what she says... she doesn't have a say in the matter. This is between my dad and I and she can either go with it and continue to watch Piper....or someone else can reap the benefits of my childcare money!

Isn't that going to upset her more than you moving, having to wait that long to be paid?

I will start paying her on March 1st when I move. She won't get mad because that's more money than she is getting now which is ZERO because I can't afford childcare in my current situation. I won't have rent owed after I give notice to my landlord, so that's when I will be able to afford to pay her. The funny thing about this whole situation is that she KNEW in ADVANCE while I was PREGNANT that I couldn't pay her to watch my child and she BEGGED me to do it because she (and I quote) "wanted her niece to know her before she died" (she has cerebral palsy). So, its not like she didn't know my financial situation going into this or that I was paying her and just stopped one day. She knew well before my daughter was born what the situation would be like. This is not new news. But, I am going to remedy this problem now because the animosity I am receiving due to her resentment is too much to bear any longer. I need my sanity back.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 1:43 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
clralb
Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I for one am ecstatic you are doing this.

I do not post much, but I do follow some people's stories, yours being one.

I am so happy that you are able to move in with your dad. This is great news!!! You've had sooo much pressure on you, I don't know how you survived it!

God bless and wishing you and your daughter the best!


BS Divorced.

They were right about you.


Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I think your plan is a very smart move. Right after my very expensive D I was hit by the IRS with a lien in the high five figures. All due to my XWW not incorporating a business she had when we were M. She claimed she incorporated the business to me, but it turned out she did not. I tried for an exemption from the IRS but they did not want to hear it and demanded payment. At the time I was broke from my D. But I had a very high paying job and I guess the IRS wanted their money. As I had filed joint returns with my XWW during the tax periods they came after me. I had just enough to hire a lawyer and negotiate a settlement with them. I could have spread it out over a 5 to 6 year period, but I wanted it gone ASAP. So I asked my parents if I could move in with them until the debt was paid. Thank God they said yes. I paid a few of the bills for my parents while there, but was able to pay off what I owed the IRS fairly quickly. I was with them for about a year. During that time I was able to throw myself into my career and by the time I left I had almost doubled my salary through 2 promotions I received. I retired a few years later at 50 and don't regret a thing.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5653 | Registered: Nov 2007
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Wink  Posted: 8:15 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I think this will be a good thing too. I've been a little solumn tonight walking around my duplex and taking it all in....the independence and how nice it has been to have our own home. I'm gonna miss it. BUT...with that being said....I know this is the right thing to do....for the long-run and it will all be okay.

I'm trying to give my dad a little space to "take in" all that we talked about last night. We spoke briefly this evening after my run but I didn't bring it up. I want him to really think about it. He already said yes and said it wasn't a problem but I'm glad that he has some time to think about it. I don't have to get my sister involved in the decision until after the holidays which I'm glad about. It gives me time to regroup and get my plan finalized and in order for when I sit down with her.

I know my dad is worried about her reaction... as am I... but it will be what it will be and I will try to be wise on the "timing" of the discussion.

I think this will happen at the perfect time....and my dad will get more bonding time with Piper. I'm excited about that.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
meaniemouse
Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

Shelly I'm kind of late to this party but after reading about your financial issues and how hard it's been for you this sounds like a wonderful plan. My mother passed away almost 13 years ago and my dad moved in with us. Five years later I was divorced and my dad was simply wonderful to me in terms of moral support and at times, financial support. I, too, had to swallow my pride when he helped me out but I've paid back most of the money and certainly did my share to be there for him whenever he needed me.
He also has been great role model for my girls, has been their biggest advocate and the three of them have a bond that would never have happened had he not been living with us. He is especially tight with my youngest--they have a mutual admiration society that is a joy for me to witness. She swears that when she gets married my dad will walk her down the aisle--not her own father. I feel like my dad being around has given my girls the validation that they never got from their father.

Don't get me wrong--he has made me crazy over the years at times, and I'm sure he's been less than happy with me for maybe two or three minutes.

I guess with all this I'm saying--don't feel like you are swallowing your pride, don't feel like you have to continue to be bullied and emotionally abused by your sister because you're not doing what she wants. Right now the only priority you have to worry about is your baby girl and doing what's good for her. She won't be little forever. In the blink of an eye she will be in school and then time moves at an even faster pace. And your second priority is taking care of YOU. Screw what everyone else says about your decision. So what if they think it's a step backwards to move back in with your dad. They aren't in your situation so they don't get a vote. As mothers we do whatever we have to for our children. It sounds like your dad is a stand-up guy who loves you more than you probably can even imagine. I think you're going to find that this is a big step in the right direction for you. Don't let your sister or anyone else steal your sunshine. You can love your sister without letting her be the boss of you. You are the boss of you. Don't be a victim of her emotional blackmail anymore.

Good luck to you and I hope everything works out just as you hope it will. You and Piper deserve the best. You are on your way.


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2110 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

You can love your sister without letting her be the boss of you. You are the boss of you. Don't be a victim of her emotional blackmail anymore.

Thank you so much Meaniemouse!

I have felt like she emotionally blackmails me. If we get into an argument, she knows that all she has to do is threaten to not watch Piper anymore and then I have no choice (right now) but to back down and let her wipe her feet on my back....once again falling into the doormat role of my beaten past. I don't want to be a doormat anymore. I love her and she can continue to watch my daughter and get paid.....OR she can let HER pride get in the way and she can tell me to go elsewhere! Whatever she chooses..... so be it. That will be HER decision, not mine.

I love the idea of my dad walking Piper down the aisle. If he is still around when she gets married, I hope she wants the same thing too! That would be perfect! I remember a wedding picture of me where my dad is kissing my cheek before I walked down the aisle to marry XWH.... and he had tears in his eyes of joy.... it was a perfect moment! I love him so much!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 7:29 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

You know, She11y, when you spoke about your sister's behaviour, she so reminded me of my DIL's sister that I asked myself out loud, "I wonder if She11y's sister is adopted?" DIL's sister was adopted at about age 4 or 5; she had a fairly turbulent life before the adoption. The adoptive parents know because they know the people involved. She had a completely horrible time before she was abandoned by her own natural parents and put up for adoption. DIL's parents then had two natural children. I believe Sister just cannot get over the fact that she isn't her parents' natural child and she's got such a fear of abandonment that she tests the parents' and siblings' love for her constantly. They don't treat her differently, but she can conjure up different treatment out of thin air. Drama, outright BPD behaviour, snide remarks--all part of her arsenal. She will do wonderful things, then complain if she doesn't get enough--and it's never enough--gratitude or compliments. Some of the time she is actually nice. And get this: She is THE BEST auntie to my grandchildren--in EVERY way. Sound familiar? Maybe your sister has that same abandonment problem;, if so, your moving in with your dad could certainly trigger something, so be forewarned.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 11:11 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7212 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

They don't treat her differently, but she can conjure up different treatment out of thin air. Drama, outright BPD behaviour, snide remarks--all part of her arsenal. She will do wonderful things, then complain if she doesn't get enough--and it's never enough--gratitude or compliments. Some of the time she is actually nice. And get this: She is THE BEST auntie to my grandchildren--in EVERY way. Sound familiar? Maybe your sister has that same abandonment problem;, if so, your moving in with your dad could certainly trigger something, so be forewarned

This is my sister to a TEE. And, I know. I am preparing myself for the WORST as far as how the conversation is going to go with her. I KNOW she won't take it well so I am going to have my shields up and ready for battle when the bullets start flying! But, she is going to have to get over it. Because this isn't JUST about her. This is about me and trying to get myself back into a good financial position. And, I just can't do it next year once that other student loan kicks in. I can't and I refuse to struggle just because she tries the old "You don't have to pay me" or "You are dad are against me" or "We will figure things out as they come" speeches. I've heard them all before and they didn't work. THIS solution WILL work for all parties involved. It is ultimately a WIN WIN!

My sister and I share the same mom but my dad adopted her. She tests him and I constantly and her real dad was a real smuck. He left as soon as he realized my sister had cerebral palsy. My mom dumped her at my grandmother's house for weeks on end and wasn't the best mother in the world....and an alcoholic binge drinker to boot! My dad came into the picture and turned my mom around and made her be more responsible and they gave my sister a stable home. They had me when she was 8 years old.....and ever since then.... she says I was the "prodigy child" because I wasn't "broken" blah blah blah. I hate being scolded for being spoiled by my parents. I DIDN'T DO IT! But, I pay for it..... every day of my life.

She is good to my daughter. Piper loves her very much. I just need a change. In a BIG way!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
MissMoneypenny
New Member
Member # 34714
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, November 15th (Friday)

Shelly,
that sounds very reasonable and I think you should go for it. You are a very good mom AND sister !
Hugs to you !!


" The only thing I have in common with OW is our birthday "

Posts: 44 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Europe
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, November 15th (Friday)

Shelly,
that sounds very reasonable and I think you should go for it. You are a very good mom AND sister !
Hugs to you !!

Thank you. I think the guilt of having to ask for help (which I HATE doing) and the blow to my pride has been bothering me the most over the past few days. Dad said that it was fine...but he did try to offer other options. One being he could pay my sister $200 a month under the table through me. That won't work for many reasons. 1. If she ever found out, there would be hell to pay! 2. Eventually dad would ALSO resent me for having to do that. 3. Eventually $200 wouldn't be enough for her and she would complain (and if that happens while I'm still living in my duplex, I won't be able to afford alternate childcare at that rate) and 4. That doesn't solve the problem of my other student loan kicking in in April thus making buying groceries impossible.

He said that it would definitely affect his lifestyle.....and I told him I understood that...that it would be an adjustment and it would be a HUGE blow to my lifestyle too....but that it would be short-lived. I spelled out my other only 2 options (roommate and smaller apartment) but the cons outweigh the pros in both of those situations and the financial gain might not be as much as one might think in either of those but the drama and frustrations and stress would still be there....but exponentially worse!

He agreed to the move and he agreed to not say anything to my sister until after the holidays. I dread that conversation.....and would rather jump off the Empire State Building than have it.... (and I'm afraid of heights)... but... it will have to be done. I just need to get all of my ducks in a row first.....take a deep breath....and jump (pun intended!)

I don't like feeling like a burden to my dad....and I hope he will see how this could be a good thing over time...more time with Piper to bond....and with me. More help around the house and with bills as well as not being in a big huge empty house alone all the time..... but only time will tell.

I just feel bad. It must be what it feels like when your pride dies a little....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, November 15th (Friday)

I just feel bad. It must be what it feels like when your pride dies a little....

no no no no no... and one more no!
What I see is a loving mom seeking help for her child. There is no loss of pride in that. NONE.
Chin up and be proud of yourself. You have been faced with some tough life situations (divorce, single motherhood, financial issues, stress, your somewhat crazy ex and his gf on the periphery, and your recent health glitch).
I, for one, am proud of you for mapping out a solid, feasible, sensible plan. That is prideful. Good for you Shelly!

Posts: 485 | Registered: Jun 2012
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, November 15th (Friday)

no no no no no... and one more no!
What I see is a loving mom seeking help for her child. There is no loss of pride in that. NONE.
Chin up and be proud of yourself. You have been faced with some tough life situations (divorce, single motherhood, financial issues, stress, your somewhat crazy ex and his gf on the periphery, and your recent health glitch).
I, for one, am proud of you for mapping out a solid, feasible, sensible plan. That is prideful. Good for you Shelly!

Thank you very much. I'm always one to question myself and then question myself again. Its a bad habit. I like to try to make the "right" decisions and now that I have a daughter, the impact of those decisions is that much more of an issue. I want and need to do what is best for her and for us as a mother/daughter team; cause that's what we are!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 10:07 AM, November 15th (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, November 15th (Friday)

Sounds like the kid gloves need to come off when dealing with your sis.

This decision has NOTHING to do with her - except for the fact that she will now be PAID for her services. If she doesn't like that, so be it.

If I'm you, I'm looking into back-up child care for when this gets announced. We already know she holds watching/not watching Piper over your head - take that power away from her!

When you deal with people like this you have to think offensively - have plans A, B, C in place BEFORE you speak to her.

She can have all the little hissy drama fits she wants. What's key is you and your dad come at this as a united front.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21049 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, November 15th (Friday)

SB, your financial concerns were draining your energy, don't let a reasonable solution to those problems now cause you additional angst!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, November 15th (Friday)

UGH....I just did what I told myself NOT TO DO!!!! I was walking out the door for lunch from work to head to Wal-Mart to get the ingredients to make my dad my grandmother's sponge cake for his birthday tomorrow (its his favorite and my sister had forgotten it was his birthday so I bought a card for us both to sign). She texts me asking what my lunch plans were and I told her. I called her ON THE WAY to the store. She says, well, I thought you could come over and watch the baby while I take Sara home. (which makes no sense since she has a carseat!).

Here's the deal. My sister has had an "on again off again" toxic relationship with this girl Sara (who is LITERALLY half her age - 21 my sister is 42 going on 43 in January!) and they have had horrible fights that involve name-calling and low blow screaming fits for going on like 2 years now. They "officially" broke up in August and Sara moved out.... BUT...my sister has continually kept up texting and phone and email contact with this girl even when her best friend, family, and I have all told her to STOP and go NC!

Well, 2 days ago...Sara tells my sister she has a job interview and baits her into helping her get ready for it and thus my sister falls back into her usual bullshit routine and Sara ended up staying the last 2 nights (but according to my sister...they aren't together....she is just helping her because Sara's family won't and she is trying to better herself....my sister wants to save the world apparently OR APPEAR to). My sister didn't want her best friend to find out that Sara had been staying there because her best friend would have lit her up like a Christmas tree in anger! (good for her!)And, I hate being caught up in covering for her when she makes shitty choices and should know better when she would have never supported me if I had taken Piper's sperm donor back! She had yelled at me on many an occasion for even speaking to him but all I have ever done is support her in her decisions and tell her that she is an adult and she can make her own choices (i.e. mistakes). So, I rushed through the store in 15 minutes and got what I needed and called her back offering to come so she could take Sara home (again....making NO sense to me but not worth the fight).

When I called her back she was in a fit of self-pity and rage saying she wished she "could go home (heaven) and die and that she should never help anyone with anything because no one appreciates her" blah blah fucking blah! All of this because I didn't jump when she said jump immediately and drop my plans of getting ingredients for my SELFISH task of making my father his favorite cake for his birthday tomorrow...... So....I will admit it...I was tired of it and did what I should NOT have done....and told her over the phone of my solution to BOTH of our problems and stress!

She did what I knew she would do and said I should live with her in grandma's house! YEAH FUCKING RIGHT! Only if I wanted to be in my 1st ever WWE fight! I told her flat out that we have a difficult relationship now and argue all the time and living together would only make that worse! I told her grandma's house was not big enough (which is true) and dad has PLENTY of room and is on board with my decision. She tried to say....."Fine, I will move out and you can have grandmas house".... I told her I don't want it. Grandma wanted her to live there and said so on her death bed. She had her reasons and I respected her and will respect her wishes now. She said dad didn't want anyone living with him and I said that it would be an adjustment for us both but it would be over before he knew it. I had a comeback for everything she had and finally told her this was NOT a negotiation....this was me telling her what was going to happen. Period. Take it or leave it.

I know she doesn't like it. And, I really don't care. I've made up my mind and that's it. When she left to take Sara home.....I called my dad and warned him that the "cat was out of the bag" so to speak so that he could be prepared for her phone call. She will be a drama queen for a while.....but I am used to it.

I'm actually a little relieved to have it over with. The stress over contemplating that discussion with her was overwhelming me even just in this short time. I'm glad its done. Now if I can just survive the next 4 and a half months!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 12:16 PM, November 15th (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, November 15th (Friday)

All this drama is going on while Piper's in her care?

Yeah, you so need to get a new sitter lined up.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21049 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, November 15th (Friday)

All this drama is going on while Piper's in her care?
Yeah, you so need to get a new sitter lined up.

I know. I told her that if she told me TODAY that she couldn't/wouldn't watch Piper anymore...I would be screwed because I would have nowhere to go because I don't have the money for childcare. That I need to have the means to go elsewhere if her health ever declined to the point where she couldn't watch her anymore (or truly if the drama got to the point where I was done dealing with her anymore...of which I didn't say). If I move in with dad, I will have that option.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, November 15th (Friday)

I was going to come here and be your biggest cheerleader ... until I read your concurrent post about 15-month Piper.

I won't be officially moving until March 1st because I want my tax return to help me get a storage unit set up, pay for the U-Haul and other expenses.

Have you considered a full-on job search? Now that the weather is getting colder, and slightly less time will be spent running, how about an intensive MY LIFE (and therefore Piper's LIFE) depends on finding a job with a larger salary!!

You've got until March 2014. Turn off Facebook. Turn off the dating sites (sorry!!) Turn off SI ... and climb that career ladder like your very life depends on it. Make that, rather than running, your focus.

See what's out there, Shelly.

You are lucky enough to have your Dad as Plan B, but why not make earning a larger salary Plan A?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, November 15th (Friday)

You are lucky enough to have your Dad as Plan B, but why not make earning a larger salary Plan A?

To be honest, I have looked for another job. And, in my city there just aren't any, even in other fields that I might be qualified in and even the ones that are out there are paying less than what I make. I'm lucky to have found the job I have with the salary I make now and my healthcare is stellar.....especially with all of this obamacare stuff going around. We won't be affected by it at all... I only pay $13 out of pocket a paycheck for healthcare for both of us.... you can't beat that! I haven't been on the dating sites in a couple of months. I've taken a break from that. No interest.

But, I am looking for another job....but I am very thankful for the position I have now and know that I am lucky to have it. I got this job when I was pregnant...and my boss was extremely understanding when I told her I was pregnant and then taking maternity leave not 8 months later....

I'm constantly looking but it took me 8 months after my layoff to find this position and I still have friends in my field that are still unemployed. Its really bad right now. But, I hear what you are saying and I have thought about that.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, November 15th (Friday)

But, I am looking for another job....

It's not cool to be emailing your resume on you lunch break. How about sending out one resume every evening from home?

Shelly, I dare you!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, November 15th (Friday)

It's not cool to be emailing your resume on you lunch break.

Of course I don't apply from work. I always do that stuff at home.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, November 15th (Friday)

So that's a "no"?

Sending one resume an evening with the potential for a larger annual salary?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Topic Posts: 49