User Topic: Sleeping alone
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

H is sleeping upstairs in the bonus room after yet another fight. It's getting to be every other night now. Used to be a weekly thing, now it's just more and more.

I remember when I left DD's dad, I never did get used to having a whole bed to myself. I refused to do it, I just couldn't sleep. I lived at my parent's house, and had a futon in my room, instead of a bed. I never unfolded the futon- when the back was up, at least it was kind of like having someone next to me.

Then I met H. I haven't had to sleep alone in three years.
And he promised. He stood up in front of all our family and friends and he PROMISED. And now, just three months later, he doesn't care, says he is done trying, and screams at me and then runs away before I can say anything and is utterly emotionally absent. And physically absent.

I know I can do it. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will get up, take a shower, take DD to school, and go to work with a smile on my face and a positive attitude. Nobody will be the wiser, I won't need to cry on anyone's shoulders because I am a strong person, and I have done it before. I have thought someone was a forever person, only to have them not be before. But right now, it's only 9:40 at night and I'm alone and awake in a huge empty bed and it just seems so...endless.

How did all of you do it? How do you get used to sleeping alone AGAIN?

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I have a dog on either side of me. Stereo snoring. I really missed having the snoring in three channel surround sound but I got used to it after a few months. The dogs have never screwed me over either.

Posts: 1731 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

(((BeyondBreaking))) I''m so sorry!

Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

(((((hugs))))) I hope you are sleeping now. Your post reminded me of those first lonely nights. I think I got used to it pretty quickly and actually appreciated not being in the "junk spot", you know, the one side that is against the wall so when you use the bathroom you have to scoot down the bed or climb over the other person. When I thought about it, I always had the "junk spot" ~ he claimed he NEEDED that certain spot. When our air conditioner broke and the water dripped on my head, my two choices were to 1) have water dripping on my head or 2) flip over and be kicked in the face. I'm sorry that I'm rambling it's just that I forgot about those times.

Anyways, now I appreciate the extra space to put my books, school work, kindle. My cats sleep with me. The kids jump in whenever they need a snuggle or want to talk. I always get the best spot It feels endless now but that feeling is temporary. You WILL get through this. Hugs to you!

Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2268 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

After almost 30 years of sleeping with a bed hog who snored horribly and kept me up many nights, I am thoroughly enjoying being alone! My DD often comes and plops in bed with me, which she never did before even if XPOS wasn't home. I get to watch TV in bed on whatever channel I want or read a book for as late as I want. It's fabulous!

BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Body pillow! White noise machine.

It will get better, promise!

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 29368
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

"I have a dog on either side of me. Stereo snoring. I really missed having the snoring in three channel surround sound but I got used to it after a few months. The dogs have never screwed me over either."

Classic. Thanks!

Posts: 1952 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Thanks everyone.

Last night wasn't so bad. I was up for a while, then the cat joined me (guess H locked him out of the bonus room too). DD came downstairs and crawled in at 4am, and I didn't make her move.

...this is just so...hard.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

(((BB))) I know I will miss the comfort of another person in the bed. It's hard when we we sleep apart now if one of us is traveling even though I know that it will be ending soon. What I've found helpful is I give thanks. Give thanks for the moment of peace and quiet and then just start listing all the things about which I am grateful including the people who I love. I don't know that I have ever gotten to the end of the list without dozing off.

Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 605 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I second the white noise idea.

There's an alarm clock phone app that tracks your sleep patterns and plays white, pink or brown noise until you fall asleep. It's helped so much with the adjustment from sleeping next to a snorer to silence.

There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 411 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

((((BeyondBreaking)))) It is hard, honey. You will adjust over time.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25702 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I didn't sleep in my bed for like a year after D-day. I slept on the couch.

It took me a while, and some sleeping aides, to be able to sleep in that bed again.

D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 3389 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Member # 41124
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

For the first week or so, I slept on my parents couch. And, that was if I slept at all. (I moved back in with my parents so I had to purchase an entirely new bedroom set.) After that, the next few weeks were hard. I would wake up in the morning and reach for Stbx and everything would flood back. I had a knot in the pit of my stomach and I would feel sick. Finally, after about two months, I got sick of feeling that way and was also tired of feeling like I needed to stay to "my side" of the bed. So, I started sleeping in the middle and for some weird reason that helped more than anything. Its been 5 months and I don't reach for him anymore, haven't for a while. I still get a bit lonely and that's when I prop up a pillow next to me.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

If I want to...

There is good in this part of the change, BION (believe it or not)'s just not easy to find or found right away. I'm still looking.

I remember that X here had apnia, very bad, if it's possible to have in increments.

So when I'm at my worst being lonely at night, I remember how afraid I would be when he would stop breathing at night and then yell at me if I nudged him to roll over, like the doctor instructed.

I look for positive changes, like I can drink the entire coffee pot in the morning if I want to, I can sleep in the middle if I want to, I can wear my day clothes or nothing if I want to and so on, you get the idea.

My fav...I know whose the bed farts are, lol.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

This is actually one thing that wasn't hard for me. The Gnat always traveled extensively throughout our marriage, so I was used to sleeping alone. He was also a terrible snorer and bed hog, so I didn't miss that either. The worst was when he had a cold. He refused to take anything for it, so he would be snotty, snoring, hacking and coughing all night. It was awful. He actually had a pretty bad cold the other day when he dropped the kids off. I actually thought to myself that I was glad Hello Kitty had to sleep with him tonight and not me. I'm afraid that I'll never want to share my bed again!

I'm sorry this us hard for you though. I spent so much if my marriage alone with the kids, that the transition into living alone and single parenting was pretty easy. I can imagine that it's very difficult when you're accustomed to having someone there all the time.

BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 918 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Lol at dmari!
My x deployed a lot, so sleeping alone wasn't a problem. Now I just use the other side of my bed for my school books at night. After I get done studying, i'm too lazy to get up and put them away!

Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I do remember it's feeling a bit hard in the beginning but my ex was also a snorer and I sure don't miss that! I actually love having my bed to myself now and when I choose to I share it with the dogs. After eight years, I don't know that I ever want to put up with sharing a bedroom with someone again. There's something to be said for the days when husbands and wives have their own bedrooms.

-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 880 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)


It is definitely tough at first. I'm sorry your struggling right now. Like others have mentioned, I have pets in the bed with me. My little dog is beyond thrilled to have a whole side of the bed to himself. He lays his head on the pillow and snores the cutest puppy snores. Definitely an improvement over fat man snores and teeth grinding. Ugh, I don't miss that!

Pets, body pillow, sound machine... I have a terrific app on my phone called "relax melodies". You can fall asleep to waves, rain, crickets, whatever you find soothing. Also for the first few weeks, I took almost daily a generic OTC sleep aid, 25mg diphenhydramine HCL. The doctor told me this was fine, not habit forming etc. It helped me a lot.

Hang in there!!

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin

Posts: 912 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Topic Posts: 18