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Just Found Out
User Topic: Do I out the OW?
loli
New Member
Member # 41197
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

All.
I have seen several comments saying you should out the OW. I did send her a nasty email when I found out; however, she is single and the only place to out her is at work.

In my case, she works on my husband's team (Him minus 2 levels)in another country and I'm not sure this is a good idea.
I know her direct boss really well and I would love to tell this person so that all further "work related" contact between my WH and the OW is stopped. However, I don't sense this is a good idea for the safety of my WH's job.
Ironic that he put his own career at risk and now, I sense that for the financial safety of my children, I probably shouldn't out the OW. Your thoughts?


Me 40
WH 41
14 years married
3 Kids (6,9,12)
DD Oct.28 '13
PA: 6 years!!!

Posts: 39 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Europe
RedRaven6500
Member
Member # 39626
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Is your husband military or DoD? Just wondering, being that I have some experience in that arena with outing the AP while worrying about the blow back on WS's career.


BW: Me 42, WH: Him 42, Married: 22 years
DD: 21, DS: 20 both in college
DDay: 22 Oct 2011
Year PAs/EAs started: 2004, possibly 2003
OW: 3 serious long-distance PA/EA's, several casual PA's, some at the same time. Classy
In R

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jun 2013
loli
New Member
Member # 41197
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

RedRaven.
No military. We have been expats for a long time and have lived all over the world. He has a global job and therefore, a global team. We live in Europe and the OW is based with his team in NYC.


Me 40
WH 41
14 years married
3 Kids (6,9,12)
DD Oct.28 '13
PA: 6 years!!!

Posts: 39 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Europe
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

all further "work related" contact between my WH and the OW is stopped.

Has your WH proposed any ideas to make this happen?

As a fellow trailing wife, I am familiar with the amount of role shifting and project reassignments that go on in the international work environments. Perhaps one of them can shift into another project or role or assign communication that normally would have gone through them, onto someone else?

I am confused if it is the OW who has a position that is 2 levels higher than him, or vice versa.

I just don't understand this kind of risk taking where both family and careers are put into jeopardy...but then that's why I'm the BS.

I don't know how much risk there is, for either of them if you did expose, as I have found Europe to be quite lax in the acceptance of infidelity in general. There is also the corporate culture to consider. Whether or not your WH is localized in the EU country, vs. working on assignment, will also have an impact on how his position *could* be affected, if at all.

Have you and your WH had a conversation about potential ways to ensure NC? If that's the goal...maybe he should be the one initiating this and providing ways for you to be certain that NC remains in place.



BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I have some similar concerns. Think things through before you act. I cannot emphasize this enough!!!

My WH does not directly work for the company OW works for but is involved in an advisory role.

I opted not to out her to her boss. In some respects I think this was a mistake…it would have shut the affair down sooner than it ended on its own. But there would likely have been a lot of collateral damage.

You have to consider what is in YOUR best interest and act accordingly. Think this through. Is it in your best interest (now and in future) for your husband's reputation to take a hit? Think earning potential now and in future (what if you do split up and he needs to pay you child support/maintenance?). Did the two of them collaborate on anything that may be re-examined? Did either of them use their influence over someone to advance the other's interest? This was a consideration for my situation. My attorney advised to NOT contact OW or try to take her down.

Our MC said that if your WH's boss is approached about this he/she is bound by confidentiality (it's an HR issue). Your WH should look into the policies of the company - are either of them bound by a contract or morality clause of some sort? You might want to look at this with an attorney. If this checks out, you may want to state that a discussion of this matter in your presence with your WH's boss is one of your boundaries. Affairs thrive in secrecy…well this is one way of doing away with the secrecy. I made a similar boundary with my WH so that he was forced to explain situation with a work colleague in order to fix a tangential issue involving OW.

As much as I would LOVE to take the OW down a few notches, what is that going to do for me in the long run? Again, you have to think of what is going to be best for YOU. I did have the opportunity to have her removed from a charity with which she is involved (she's a total social climber and using her connections with charity to advance her social position and career because she doesn't have real credentials like an education). What is best for you? Focusing your energy on healing yourself OR scheming to stoop to someone else's level. You can't teach a lesson to someone unwilling to learn or doesn't understand why what they did was so very wrong. Unlikely you'll get an apology. What is your goal? Your goal should be to heal from this no matter what happens to your marriage.

In the end you want this person to leave your life and leave quietly. The less attention you pay to them, the better. I do know what it feels like to believe that EVERYONE has benefited from this relationship except YOU. You are paying the price while everyone else (especially her) gets to walk away like nothing happened. This was the hardest thing for me to accept (and continue to accept). But you have to realize that you must take a deep breath and make a determination about what is going to be best for you in the long run.

Good luck.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Such a hard one....

My fWH had his with a shift-supervisor (he the manager) when she was transferred to another store. I chose not to out him and her and her new Boss(who helped the affair) to the DM. Only because he begged me to not make a scene. (Really, he didn't want the negative image and he didn't want either of the other women to be affected because he took all the blame). Truth was...they all were adults and to blame. I chose not to on a personal level, because I didn't want to ruin his reputation in hopes of moving back home to another store.

However, 14months after D-day...I regret it. I wish I had outed all of them to their DM. There were a handful of times he had to work with the AP after D-day that were so horrible and gut wrenching for me. It set back R every time. I had anxiety every time he had meetings with the AP's boss. It just sucked over-all.

If there is no possible way he will have contact with her...let it go. If it is for Revenge...let it go. You are better than that. DO NOT STOOP to their level. If there is a risk of contact, out them...don't feel guilty. You need to do what needs to be done for you to heal for NC. Your H chose to put his career on the line for the benefits of an A, don't let him dictate what to do with your healing process.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
raich
New Member
Member # 41185
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I took me all day when i found out from just a kik username and leading the OM on trying to lure the information. finally taking the pieces of information such as age and general area of living i found the same profile picture used on a facebook and he let slip a phone number. I tracked down his gf and called her up showing her the lovely pictures, many taken in her own bathroom. As well as screenshots of the chats.

At the same time i called him out on the chat and got him panicky. He called my cell phone trying to make his gf not believe me and block the calls. I told him "enjoy your punishment slave". They were doing a dominator/slave thing.... yeh yet more i had no clue about the woman i was supposed to marry.

I still feel like punishing and tormenting him more, so even though he blocked and tried to delete himself from the web i still can easily send some nice little notes and got his whole family network mapped out. (yeh i was mad, it cost me my whole family, kids and all. I would probably have snapped if i hadn't gotten my kids back).

[This message edited by raich at 12:08 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


BS: 31
WS: 26
3 kids (5, 3, 10 months)
Together for 6 years.
D-Day #1 19/09-2013
D-Day #2 far worse 15/10-2013
Wondering who i was supposed to Marry. ..

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Norway
Medea1536
New Member
Member # 41256
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Womaninflux- very well said.

As much as I would LOVE to crush and destroy my WH's latest "OW" (I know everything about her and she is married, so I could destroy her marriage by telling her husband what she has been up to),I have decided against it. Trying to "get even" will actually do me and my family more harm than good. This Owhore is an attention seeker, and if I let her know she is getting to me then she will win; she's already taken too much.

The more energy you expend on trying to get back at someone, the less energy you are putting into R, your own healing and getting your life back. For me and my WH is the top priority for us and our kids.


Married:16 Years
Together 18 years
2 Beautiful children
DDay (the only one I hope): Oct 21 2013
Broken, battered and trying to survive this
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong" ~Mahatma Gandhi


Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: USA
loli
New Member
Member # 41197
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, November 15th (Friday)

To Refuse2bavictim.
Since D-day, there has been a reorganization and OW no longer reports to someone on my husband's team. i.e. little to no work contact as far as I can track.

He has removed/blocked her from all devices (mobile, skype,ipad, emails, etc.). He has also removed her from all work meetings (I saw the email to his secretary asking her to be removed).

However, need to keep checking up on this often. So freakin' exhausting to police someone...this is NOT who I am!


Me 40
WH 41
14 years married
3 Kids (6,9,12)
DD Oct.28 '13
PA: 6 years!!!

Posts: 39 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Europe
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, November 15th (Friday)

Is there a plan in place for the next monthly visit?

I seem to recall he was there a week at a time? Is he scaling back travel? Many of the companies will (if they haven't already) will happily scale back the budgets for travel expense.

It is exhausting to be put into a position where we "need" to police all of their activities. In the early stages it certainly felt like a necessity, at least for me. It was not so that I could control him, but so that I could get a grip on what was real and what wasn't.
The only truth I could be sure of, was that I could not trust him. I only trusted the information that I gathered for myself. Those were difficult days. I understand how exhausting this is, and I feel tired just thinking about it. Like everything else on this ride, it will pass.

Sorry you have been brought to this place by their choice. Just don't forget to take care of yourself. Between kids, trauma, investigation and the general aftermath, we sometimes forget to take care of our own basic needs.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Topic Posts: 10