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User Topic: My NB just came crashing down, hugs please
luvbug0915
Member
Member # 22934
Sad  Posted: 8:49 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

It's been coming for several months, some of you may remember back in April that SO and I had decided to split up. But then he begged me to try again, saying he couldn't loose his best friend and the love of his life.
We should have ended it then, it's so much harder now that more time has passed.
My heart is breaking but it's for the best. He brought a ton of baggage into the relationship and I thought I could handle it...I can't and it affects my overall mood and attitude every day and I have become very resentful.
We're not angry at each other, no hurtful words have been exchanged, we just came to the decision that neither of us is happy so it's time to end.
I wont be able be able to move until after the first of the year because I exhausted my savings account over the past few months helping him win custody of his DD. Plus we've had a very sick dog, $2600 and counting trying to get a diagnosis. This just blows all the way around.


"I haven't stopped looking for the good in people. I've just accepted the fact that I'm not always going to find it."-Patti LaBelle


Posts: 1039 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Metro Atlanta
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

((luvbug0915))


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

(((Luvbug)))


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52319 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
lifestoshort
Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

sorry. take each ended relationship as a chance to learn from it. you always gain SOMETHING! when I look at it this way, i am less sad.


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

((luvbug0915))

Posts: 2485 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

((((luvbug))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25504 | Registered: Aug 2011
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

(((luvbug)))


Posts: 1701 | Registered: Oct 2011
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

(((luvbug)))


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
luvbug0915
Member
Member # 22934
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

Thank you all.

lifestoshort, thanks for sharing your outlook. I hope to get to that place. I've had 3 relationships in my life. My first M of 15 yrs to my high school sweetheart, my second M of 8 yrs to xwh and this one which has lasted just over 2 yrs.
I don't see myself taking another risk with my heart...EVER... but I guess that could change on down the line.


"I haven't stopped looking for the good in people. I've just accepted the fact that I'm not always going to find it."-Patti LaBelle


Posts: 1039 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Metro Atlanta
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Sending you huge hugs!

PS I will never fully trust again, either...sad, isn't it?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25429 | Registered: Sep 2005
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

PS I will never fully trust again, either...sad, isn't it?

Me either...


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
BrokenDaisy
Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

((((Luvbug))) I'm sorry you're hurting!


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Oh honey, I am soooo sorry

((((hugs))))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17638 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Sorry you are hurtimg luvbug. If you lent him money to help him fight for custody of his DD, is he going to repay you?


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3421 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
sadcat
Member
Member # 8637
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

((((luvbug)))) I am sorry you are hurting.


I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

If this isn't what I consider soulmate crap, I don't know what is.


Posts: 13248 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: GA
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

(((Luvbug)))

I'm so sorry.


Posts: 35383 | Registered: Mar 2011
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

((luvbug))) I am so sorry, my friend. I know it will hurt for a while.

I don't see myself taking another risk with my heart...EVER... but I guess that could change on down the line.
Yes, it will. It is amazing how resilient our hearts can be. I've thought that myself but seems like life has other plans for us sometimes. Take your time to heal, and when you are ready, allow your heart to open again.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15240 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
luvbug0915
Member
Member # 22934
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, November 15th (Friday)

gahurts, he is going to repay the money I've spent. I never considered it a loan, we were a team and he needed it. We always said "whats mine is yours". But it was the plan all along to replenish my savings as soon as he recovers from all the expense, he had to repay a loan from his mother as well. He told me last night his first priority is to pay me back and he should be able to make a good start with his Dec 6th pay check.
Nothing has gone as it should have financially in this R. He brings home 3 times what I do and when I moved in with him 17 months ago he told me he would pay ALL the bills so that I could focus on getting my car and my student loans paid off, he didn't want me to struggle financially if "something should happen to him". 2 months after I moved in he decided to move 20 miles further from both our jobs to be closer to where his kids lived and go to school. His fiscal irresponsibility has made it impossible for me to pay off either of my debts as he always runs out of money before the next pay day which then require me to step in with what little I have left to scrape us by until his next check.
Even living on my own, before I met and moved in with him, I was better off financially. I always had a cushion in the bank and never let it get below a certain comfort level. I've been living paycheck to paycheck since moving up here. I'll be glad to move back down closer to where I work.
If he is able to replenish my savings between that and my christmas bonus plus tax return (ASAP in Jan) I should be able to pay off my car and move into a nice apartment close to my job.
It's just going to be very hard to be in the same house with him and his kids. I can't believe he told his kids already, I feel even more awkward staying here now.


"I haven't stopped looking for the good in people. I've just accepted the fact that I'm not always going to find it."-Patti LaBelle


Posts: 1039 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Metro Atlanta
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, November 15th (Friday)

His fiscal irresponsibility has made it impossible for me to pay off either of my debts as he always runs out of money before the next pay day
My WS was like that. He was bipolar and wouldn't admit it (so no medication) so his up and down moods would have him blowing lots of money on grand schemes and it was constant chaos. That was a horrible way to live and I am still working on digging myself back out. I think once you move away you will feel a huge relief.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15240 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, November 15th (Friday)

I never considered it a loan, we were a team and he needed it. We always said "whats mine is yours".

Yes I certainly understand this but the situation changed and you should not be stuck because you were generous when it was needed. Now that the situation has changed I'm glad he is recognizing that.

I am really surprised that he already told his children while you are stil there. That wasn't necessary. So sorry.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3421 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
luvbug0915
Member
Member # 22934
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, November 15th (Friday)

I'm really struggling today. I feel so... defective.

Why? Why couldn't I look past all the baggage and bullshit and just be happy in the relationship? Why couldn't I let go of my need for control and order and just be happy living in the moment with a wonderful man (despite his baggage)?
Why couldn't I just embrace his kids, his debt, his FOO issues, his lack of basic self care and his unwillingness or inability to change any of it and just let him love me anyway?
Why did I put myself through this heartache? I knew going in 2 years ago that I could not be in a relationship with a man whose children were still dependent on him, I FUCKING KNEW!!
Why did I let myself fall in love with him?
Why didn't I let go when I should have instead of lying to myself to convince myself and everyone else that I was happy?
Why does it have to hurt so bad?


"I haven't stopped looking for the good in people. I've just accepted the fact that I'm not always going to find it."-Patti LaBelle


Posts: 1039 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Metro Atlanta
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, November 15th (Friday)

Why couldn't I just embrace his kids, his debt, his FOO issues, his lack of basic self care and his unwillingness or inability to change any of it and just let him love me anyway?

Ask yourself one more question: Why on earth would you settle for this?

(((LB)))


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17411 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
luvbug0915
Member
Member # 22934
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, November 15th (Friday)

You're right FF, I will explore that with IC next week.

BTW, he had been coming with me to IC for quite some time for couples counseling. Last week he wasn't there so IC took some time to be brutally honest with me. She said "luvbug, I have watched you bend over backward to make this relationship work. Session after session he comes in here with a list of things you've done wrong and it's always you who needs fixing but he's not willing to do the work that I have recommended that is necessary to make this relationship successful." She then went on to tell me that she would no longer council the two of us that or him individually because her primary focus is me and that I have been left floundering for too long to appease him. I was dx with RA back in the spring and we haven't even touched on the emotional implications of that for me.
I have a feeling we will have a lot to talk about for the next several sessions.


"I haven't stopped looking for the good in people. I've just accepted the fact that I'm not always going to find it."-Patti LaBelle


Posts: 1039 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Metro Atlanta
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, November 15th (Friday)

Sometimes its easier to stay in a bad relationship than to be alone and have to face all of our own demons. When you are alone.... you have to really take a good look at yourself.... and there is no SO fogging the mirror. My sister has a lot of issues....and my sperm donor has a lot of issues....and they are constantly in some sort of toxic relationship to avoid having to face themselves and their own issues. Think more highly of yourself! You deserve so much more than you have allowed and put up with for so long! Good for you for finally realizing it and moving on without this guy! ((HUGZ))


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, November 15th (Friday)

Oh luvbug, my heart is breaking fro you

Why? Why couldn't I look past all the baggage and bullshit and just be happy in the relationship? Why couldn't I let go of my need for control and order and just be happy living in the moment with a wonderful man (despite his baggage)?
Why couldn't I just embrace his kids, his debt, his FOO issues, his lack of basic self care and his unwillingness or inability to change any of it and just let him love me anyway?

But you did let him love you. And you loved him. But you know that love is not enough to keep a relationship healthy. And what really struck me about what you said is this:

his lack of basic self care and his unwillingness or inability to change any of it

It is ok to have baggage. Hell, at our age the only way to NOT have baggage is if you were in a coma for the last 20+ years! But to then do nothing to heal and do nothing to carry you own baggage is not healthy. You have been working on healing yourself for at least as long as I have known you. And you did try, really try with him. But you cannot fix someone else, as much as you may want to.

Finally I think him telling the kids was really a low blow. Hell, it has only been a couple of days since you and he made this decision and it will be 2 months before you will be able to move out anyway. It just set everyone up to have a really really awkward holiday season. And who knows what his bat shit crazy ex will do with this information.

Stay strong luv. You have been thru so much, you can get thru this too. Do whatever you can to get rid of the stress that comes with this because you know stress just aggravates your RM.

((((HUGE HUGS)))))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17638 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
seekingright2013
Member
Member # 37991
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, November 17th (Sunday)

(((Luvbug)))

So sorry you're going through this.

A thought -- unless he's paying back in December the whole amount he owes you, draft a promissory note with payment schedule for him to sign. Get it in writing. Jmho.

Glad you're in IC, sounds like your counselor is a good one!


BSO, 53
exWSO, who cares
DD: 11/18/12
DD2: 11/21/12
Kicked him to the curb 11/21/12
“I tramp a perpetual journey.”
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Red State SE US
luvbug0915
Member
Member # 22934
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, November 17th (Sunday)

Thank you Shelly. I never thought of this relationship as toxic because there has never been any fighting or ugly words between us. But now that you said that I have to consider how negative my energy has become and in a body that is struggle with several auto immune diseases that negative energy certainly has turned toxic in my body. Perhaps this is the reason why I haven't been able to get my RA symptoms in check even with medication changes?

Dreamy, thank you for being my friend. You know me so well and your advice and encouragement are always spot on. Him telling his kids is definitely a low blow, he is usually much more thoughtful than this. I must say that his kids are behaving very well and not really making this any harder than it already is.

He did ask me last night when I thought I'd be able to move out. Really?? I told him he knows what I make and he knows what my bills are and there is no way I can move before the first of the year unless he pays me everything he owes me. I also know what he makes and what his bills are and there is no way he will be able to pay me all of what he owes in December. If (and thats a huge IF) he budgets accordingly he should be able to pay me off by Jan 3rd or 17th. Then he still has to pay the $2500 in vet bills for our dog that will be staying with him when I move. The care credit is in my name and he says he will pay it in full before the 6 month no interest terms are up in May.

seekingright, he really is an honorable man and he will do what he says but it probably won't happen on the right time schedule because he is just so financially irresponsible.


"I haven't stopped looking for the good in people. I've just accepted the fact that I'm not always going to find it."-Patti LaBelle


Posts: 1039 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Metro Atlanta
Topic Posts: 27