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Just Found Out
User Topic: Unfortunate Marriage
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Helpless  Posted: 9:45 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

I am new here and have been reading and recently submitted a question to Marriage Bed Radio about the situation...

Let me begin from the beginning...

My WW and I have been married almost 7 years. It has always been a rough marriage but with Love, Care and Forgiveness throughout...

I struggled with Porn in the beginning even before we were married. I joined groups and went to counseling to get a control of this on my life. I am approaching 4 years of sobriety. We have lived with my parents to save money, for a couple years and then we lived with her parents for a few months because they were going through a hardship as her father is a Pastor who was caught in an Emotional Affair, and had a breakdown.

They were forced to leave the church and needed a place to stay. We bought a house in 2009 and they lived with us. My FIL, MIL and BIL all lived with us for over 3 years. My wife and I had been suffering communication problems and I was still going to my groups for support. Too my surprise, a relative of mine who was the piano player from the old church joined the group for those who struggle with sexual addiction. He was coming for some time but then he stopped and he abandon our church, my FIL during his time of coping and healing. Then one day he showed up to our bible study.

The next week...my wife confessed she had an affair with him. She is pregnant during this and she said all they did was talk and kiss. She seemed generally sorry and repentant... He was like a mentor to him.

But... it got worst. We didn't go to counseling and her attitude towards me didn't change. It was like we rushed back into healing. I listen to my FIL (our pastor), and didn't expose this affair to anyone not even my own family and our mutual friends. Try to work on communication and everything and then our daughter is born and the In-Laws are still there.

Attitudes seem to change to regret about having the In-Laws there. My wife works at gym where she cleans and I work in IT for government. Wife wants to look into getting a loan for her parents so they can move out... well she can't get the loan herself so I take one out in my name and get them a loan to get their own place. She switches off their phone plan to our own phone plan. Things seem to start improving and then they started to progress. I have a long commute, get up at 4am, leave the house at 4:30am and catch the train that leaves at 4:58 am just to get to work at 7am. I don't get back into our city until 6pm if the train doesn't break down. Then she makes dinner, and either leaves for work early or helps me put our daughter to bed at 8pm. She would basically throw our daughter at me and run out the house early to go to work.

In my sobriety Journal I would write I believe she is having an affair. She read it and didn't say much about but she was upset about my statement but I still stuck by it. We recently got smart phones and Iphones you can set it to show texts on the home screen or not. Well she was hiding those and had a lock screen. I didn't as part of my accountabiltiy. She started to go see a counselor, which I supported her with, but she never ask me to go.

Then it happens...

October 26, we got to my martial art banquet... to celebrate the kids doing good in school and martial arts. Well she leaves to go talk on the phone to her mother. She texts me and says she doesn't feel good and I am thinking, something is up and I bet I know what it is. She gets a couple of friends to pick her up and take her and my daughter home. Once the banquet is over, I rush home and there is my Grandmother-In-Law there. She takes my daughter outside and my wife confesses, that she had an affair with my relative again, and it was SEXUAL and for at least 2 YEARS...

Edit: ***She only confessed because the night before she tried to contact him and my relatives wife picked up the phone***

I lost it... I tried to leave and go after him but no one would let me leave. I tried to talk to her and couldn't control my tongue. I made a comment that was so un-characteristic of me. I actually got one of my swords and wanted to go after him but I put it away. During my rage I said "What would you do if I killed you..." I couldn't beleive I said it and I couldn't take it back. I was so devestated, so hurt and I lost control. I have always dealt with anger and tried to control it but this was too much for me to handle...

I apologized for the comment a week later but I fill villafied. No one has really reached out to me to talk, and her parents talked to my parents and talked about our ups and down and said I need anger management and everything. I never hit anyone out of anger before and let alone made a statment like that. My daughter and wife are now staying with her parents and everyone is devestated, my parents, her parents and the church. My relative was confronted by my father and my father is not a Christian. He let him have it, because the first time this happen I forgave him but now it has gone on this long and it got sexual I am totally devestated.

I already trying to work on myself and seeing my own counselor and then starting veterans day we are going to go see a marriage counselor together. I am also signing up for anger management.

I am waiting for a copy of Surviving the Affair to come in the mail...I really don't know what to do. I feel like I want the marriage to work but feel just destroyed, beatdown and hopeless even though I am trying to turn to God...Tomorrow is my birthday and I will be celebrating alone now.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Alpine72
New Member
Member # 41345
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

I found out about my WS 5 days after my b-day. Sorry for everything you've been through. I do not have much advice as I am new here myself-but I am sure lots of people can respond and give you advice to help! Good luck!!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Nov 2013
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

Brother, I''m sorry you are here but glad you found this site. While you wait for your book please do some reading of the healing library here in the top left hand corner. You also need to make sure you eat some, drink water, avoid alcohol and porn, exercise and see your daughter. You need to get into counseling for yourself and go see a lawyer to see where you stand with the marital assets and your daughter. It is too early to even begin to think if you want to reconcile with this woman. I''ll bump some threads for you in Just Found Out.

Hugs to you.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Nailinmyforehead
Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

Brother, welcome to the best club no one wants to be a part of. Right now, focus on you and getting you healthier. Check out the healing library in the yellow box. Read all you can and post often. Hang in there! We have all been through this and survived. You are in my thoughts.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

Ok, take a breath, you're going to be alright. I can't say what your life will look like on the other end of this, but you're going to be alright.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 299 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

LostSamurai,
I'm so sorry you too are here, but I'm glad you found us.

First off, I'm glad for you that you have faced the Porn, and have that issue worked out. You are doing the right thing regarding being transparent, letting her have access to your devices, etc.

From this point all, your WW has to also be as open and transparent as you are. That should be a minimum requirement. She also needs IC. Many of us here would not recommend you have MC until your WW gets IC, has some "come to Jesus" moments (which are real and not feigned) and she is accepting her part in this latest bomb to your M.

One thing really stuck out while reading your post: you really are a family guy. You are close with, and look after both your and her parents. What seems to have happened though, is that they are involved in your M, and are interfering.

Of course your WW's parents would "side" with her, and call you angry. That is why I didn't tell my H's parents aobu this A, and why I asked him not to either. When one is dealing with the pain of infidelity, the last thing you need is to have people blaming you for your pain...regardless of how you express it.

Your reaction upon discovering the nature of your W's cheating was normal, IMHO. You had extreme feelings, which you verbalized, and wanted to act upon. The key, however, is that you didn't act on those feelings. You even later apologized. Many people want to hurt someone upon discovery of infidelity in the M, and it is usually themselves that they want to hurt. Your WW's own father was a cheater, and now his daughter is also a cheater. He will protect her, and her codependent mother will too.

Even if your family hadn't stopped you going after OM, that doesn't mean you would have actually injured him. I've read stories here of men going after the OM, intending to do harm, and not going through with it. There is someone here who did BTCOF (beat the crap out of) the OM and even had a weapon, but didn't use it. Your anger was not unusual, under the circumstances, based on what I have read. For your own sake, you need to stay away from OM, and all people who are not friends of the marriage, or who would continue to be friends with him.

I'm glad you are going to IC. Have you had a problem with anger in the past, or are they using this one episode to condemn you? I'm not an expert, but IMHO if this is your only outburst, I wouldn't think you have an anger issue. IC will help you sort out if you even want to be in a M with someone who would lie to you and cheat over the course of years. The fact that she, the cheater, ran to her parent's house after discovery of her cheating, doesn't seem right to me either. She should be by your side right now, doing everything she can to help you begin to heal from her egregious behavior.

Keep reading the Healing Library, it will help you make sense of the feelings you are having, the way other people are acting, and above all, keep posting here.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

One thing I missed, is that you need to 180 your WW. If her family begin to pressure you to have contact with her, then 180 them as well. Ask your parents to stop talking with her parents, and stop the back and forth. If they don't, then 180 them.

Remember, your WW's cheating had nothing to do with you. Don't let her or your families try to saddle you with her poor choices. You know this already, b/c of your experience with porn, and how you overcome it: taking responsibility for your own "stuff." She needs to do that herself.

Make sure you have contact with your child: don't let her keep your daughter from you. If you decide you can't stay in a M with her, you don't want her to have any grounds for having more than her minimum legal share of custody of your daughter. You need to stay very active in your daughter's life, having her sleep at your house at least 50% of the time, while your WW is at her parent's.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

I am not sure what you mean I need to 180??? I received my book and I am reading all these things but it's a little hard. I am seeing my daughter, even though she brings her over with her and we are there together.

I am feeling better now actually. I was 244 and now I am 213.

I am taking medicine and will begin anger management classes soon. I have struggled with internalizing anger and haven't been very expressive besides facial expressions. I look at an opportunity to better myself.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 6:48 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

180 means that you need to stop reacting to her, her family, etc. and you start focusing on what you need in order to heal, move on, etc.

Here is a link about it:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

Some people have a natural 180 response, others have to fake it for a while. It helps you not get engaged and manipulated by the WS, and a side product is that it puts their stuff squarely on their own back.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, November 15th (Friday)

I am grateful for all the support but I think I might of messed things up. The affair is over as far as I know and today on my birthday we spent some time together. As I was taking her back to her parents house I said Can I have a kiss for my birthday. She seem to be shocked and asked that you would want a kiss from me, and I said it would make it a great birthday. Well... I got a kiss and then some. We end up having sex...

For some reason I think I messed things up by having sex with her. What is your opinion on this?


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, November 16th (Saturday)

Well, a kiss, and sex aren't exactly on the 180 list. Breaking 180 sends mixed messages to your WS. Don't beat yourself up, you love her, she loves you (even though she has a strange way to show it by being unfaithful.) At least you felt better on your B-day, and it with with who it should be: your W! : )

The next time you are with her, remind yourself that she lied to you, had a sexual affair with a distant relative, and think of what you are trying to accomplish with the 180: for you to feel better in the long run, and for you to not be on her adultery yo-yo.

Are the parents still getting in your business and gossiping about you with each other and with your WW? Is your WW starting IC?

If you go back to business as usual, from what I've read from other people's experiences here on SI, yo


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, November 16th (Saturday)

Well, a kiss, and sex aren't exactly on the 180 list. Breaking 180 sends mixed messages to your WS. Don't beat yourself up, you love her, she loves you (even though she has a strange way to show it by being unfaithful.) At least you felt better on your B-day, and it with with who it should be: your W! : )

The next time you are with her, remind yourself that she lied to you, had a sexual affair with a distant relative, and think of what you are trying to accomplish with the 180: for you to feel better in the long run, and for you to not be on her adultery yo-yo.

Are the parents still getting in your business and gossiping about you with each other and with your WW? Is your WW starting IC?

If you go back to business as usual (rug sweep), from what I've read from other people's experiences here on SI, you are setting yourself up for being on the receiving end of her cheating. Keep strong.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 12:30 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, November 16th (Saturday)

Lost Samurai

Are you sure your Daughter is yours?

HM


Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Newme123
Member
Member # 41119
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)

Lost samurai, I know you are in shock, pain and disbelief . You need to read up in the healing library. It talks about the 180, HB , etc. the 1st day my wh came back home after dday as I had kicked him out(I bet the crap out of him on dday as well), we made love twice. It was the most passionate and intimate we had ever been with each other and we had been married 9-1/2 yrs! We conceived our 4th child that night. HB is the best part of all this mess! But before you resume sex, you MUST. Get yourself and your ww STD testing. Please make sure she is clean. Also, I don't know how old your child is, but I would recommend a paternity test. I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this place as we all have.


Me-BS 33, him-WH 31
Dday 10-30-12 the day before Halloween
Married 10 yrs
DS-14, DD-9, DS-2, DD-5m
Currently trying to R

Posts: 74 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
kannan
Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)

She cheated on you first time and confessed, what are the consequences she faced for her cheating first time? I think none.

Then she cheated on you for another two yrs, she confessed (Only because OMW found out and was going to expose her) what are the consequences she faced? None and you are begging for a kiss.

She cheated on you repeatedly and you are entering into Anger management because you said some thing horrible. What happened to her cheating for two yrs? wasnt it horrible than your words?

Are you sure that they only kissed at first time, I dont beleive it. She TTed and you swallow it without wayter.

I think she never stoped cheating on you, it was a PA from the begging.

Your wife and her family are using you, using you for your money.

Women respect men who respect themselves. Do You know why she was shocked when you asked her for a kiss? she thought the last thing you wanted was a cheater near him. By this alone you showed her how needy and weak you are for standing for your rights and self respect. Atleast stop doing this begging, you are a good man and you deserve better.

Get tested for STDs, and get a paternity test on your child (Please dont say you are sure that the child is yours)

Do the 180, if she is not doing the heavy lifting, not coming clean completely,if not transparent file for D. You desrve a faithful and loving wife.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)

You are not responsible for her Aaffair. Know that. Nothing you did caused her to cheat. She is broken and she did this to you.

I also don't think your reaction warrants anger management treatment. What were you supposed to say? You had a nuclear bomb dropped on your marriage/life and you reacted to it.

You need to figure out what your line in the sand is and draw it. It doesn't sound like she is remorseful and until she is you won't get anywhere with trying to reconcile.

Also, when I read that they "just kissed" I also thought - yeah, sure they did. Why would anyone get to that point and just kiss? Definitely get tested for STDs, for some reason cheaters don't use protection. It's a truly amazing thing. It must be in the cheating 101 handbook - step 3: do not use protection to ensure that you not only destroy your spouse's sole but expose them to deadly diseases as well.

Stay strong and don't listen to your wife or in-laws. Is the loan only in your name? Did you buy them a place? Whatever ou did for them, I'd their reaction to this is against you I wold shut off any monetary support. What nerve they have!


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, November 21st (Thursday)

Thanks everyone. I went to IC and he basically said the same thing. I told him how I was reading this book, Surviving Affairs by Harvey Waylard Jr and he doesn't agree with what I told him about the book. The book says the affair is basically my fault because I didn't meet WW needs.

IC say's that is stupid and un-biblical. He said she is Broken and is wanting something that I probably can't achieve/meet.

And the more I think about it, I feel dumb for trying to meet her needs when she purposely put someone else's needs before mine.

You are absolutely right, I am being used and being disrespected still. I am no longer going to beg or anything like that. We did go bowling and stuff and she kissed me on her own.

My IC also, doesn't think I need anger management as well, but thinks it could help but I think I am being manipulated and gaslighted into this as well.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
What?  Posted: 8:10 AM, November 22nd (Friday)

My wife asked me would i like to go away with her on our anniversary that is Dec 16th. Our 7th year. Thinking about going to the Poconos.

Do you think this is a good idea?


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
ReunitePangea
Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, November 22nd (Friday)

The book says the affair is basically my fault because I didn't meet WW needs

I recommend you stop reading that book. It is a horrible book that will just set back your recovery from this. Thank goodness you got a decent IC that was able to get you good advise. Your WW did not have an affair because of anything you did. She is 100% at fault for her A. 100% at fault!!! and don't forget that.

I also am not able to tell if based on your current situation if you should 180 right now or not. You say the A is over. If it is over and your wife is remorseful and trying to work things out for you I do not recommend the 180. You are very early and need to get a better understanding of your situation you are dealing with. If you 180 her right now you may not learn more what happened. I recommend you keep yourself in information gathering mode right now and watch her actions and listen to what she says.

Yes, I would recommend going on the trip with her. Especially with all the crazy family interference, this might be a good time for you two to just talk without all the family distractions.

Now, be watchful and if you think the A is going on, your wife is not remorseful, not working on fixing things and not putting in the effort you need - that is when you 180. Don't 180 when you are still getting the story and she is talking to you still.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 485 | Registered: Nov 2012
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, November 22nd (Friday)

HELL NO! She's trying to rugs weep. Tell her, "I was thinking you could spend our anniversary with an IC figuring out why you did this!"

Seriously, don't go away with her. Look at how she has treated you. It's been said here before: she's shown you who she really is - believe it!

Come up with your demands for reconciling. Mine were:
1) total transparency - access to all email account, passwords to everything, GPS on cell phone
2) She goes into IC
3) you both go to MC
4) no more nights out with friends
5) a timeline of everything
6) she sits down with you one night and answers every single question you have honestly. Every. Single. One.

Stay strong and do not let her and her family gaslight and rug sweep this. She cheated on you for two years. She lied to you every single day for two years. Think about that.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Exclaimation  Posted: 10:00 AM, November 22nd (Friday)

Personally, she has not shown any type of remorse. She said she checked out the marriage way before the affairs.

She doesn't even know if she wants to be together still. She said she believes she still loves me and that's why she is doing these videos and reading and stuff that the MC gave us.

She is taking depression medicine. Marriage Builders recommends I try to meet her needs so she will fallback in love with me and then try to reconcile the marriage. The book is called How to Survive an Affair.

Not sure if anyone is familiar with it, but it seems good. Some of the issue I am having with both approaches is one seems like I am walking away from her and the other is making it seem like I am giving in...


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
ReunitePangea
Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, November 22nd (Friday)

LostSamurai - it is very difficult in the beginning. There are many things about infidelity that most people dont understand. Our understanding of cheating is formed by movies, tv, etc that we watch which often does not match real life experience.

The problem with books on infidelity is many of them are written by people who have phd credentials but also dont have any personnel experience with infidelity. I don't doubt they have done research on the subject but you have to understand a big problem with research done on infidelity. People who cheat are very good at lying, this affects their research which then affects their conclusions. Just because they wrote a book doesnt mean they know the answers any better than you do.

There are a number of good books but I also recommend that you gain wisdom from people who have also personnelly dealt with it. SI is a great place to get this type of information. You will find that there often is not a single way to go about things, you will have to figure out what is best for your own situation.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 485 | Registered: Nov 2012
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
What?  Posted: 12:28 PM, November 22nd (Friday)

Ok, ReunitePangea. That makes sense. Too bad there is no miracle pill that says be healed, return to your marriage, be faithful, forgive and have a better marriage.

On another note I need strength because I am feeling vulnerable now and this women at work has been speaking to me, non-romantically but it seems like it could lead to an affair itself if I am not careful.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)

So she finally opened up somewhat about the affair. She also said she is trying to find feelings for me because she disconnected from me a long time ago due to my pornography use.

We are still going to go away but our MC, said that she should choose reconciliation because that is what God wants. She has setup an appointment for her to go by herself for counseling with the counselor.

At counseling, I told her about a woman that seemed liked she was coming on to me and now she is starting to feel Jealous and she said she is worried that she might lose me when she opens up about the affair.

It feels like things are turning around and the ball is in my court...

She wants to go away with me to see if she can rekindle her feelings for me and get a fire going.

Maybe I am being na´ve but it has definitely put some hope into my situation.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, December 30th (Monday)

Update: We are still separated. Because I believe she thinks I am going to hurt her still, or it is a cover up.

on 12/3/2013: She admitted she slept with a "Former" Co-worker. Trickel Truth and the sex acts she engaged in with my Relative.

As of now, she has only said I love you once, and that was when I was in the hospital...probably a lie.

She said she was sorry for disrespecting me and hurting me... Actions do not match language.

She has gone to Xmas party without me, and is going to New Years Party with out me. She has her own bank account and said if we get back together she will use it for a vacation for the family. We went away together and actually had a nice time.

I am slowly checking out because not much is going on... She obviously doesn't love me and therefore I feel like I am wasting my time. I go through the phone records and check almost daily... so annoying.

I have no idea if where this relationship is going to end. She got a hair cut and I expressed I liked it and she said she was glad and that it matter to her that I liked it...

Could she be falling back in love with me after a 2 year affair and an affair with a former co-worker... We been doing devotionals and sharing with one another. I been more open and expressive but I don't discuss anything about how the affair is making me feel, like the images and all that come up, because truthfully, I don't think she cares or gets it.

Now she say's I am a sweet man... Now I am a sweet man. What a joke.

I did confront the OM. I did not get physical, but I may one day... I am going to wait.

After New Year's and this party, I am going to tell her to make a appointment with the marriage counselor and for her own IC. I am going to lay down that I want the following:
1. NC Letter
2. Boundaries
3. Change in Job/hours
4. Passwords to everything. (Do Not Delete Anything)
5. 24 hour schedule notification
6. A change in friends.

Anything else anyone can recommend? If she doesn't agree to it, then I am going to say it's over. I know it's been only 2 months, but I would assume Remorse would be coming in a strong flood, on a daily bases from what I read but I am not seeing it and I am not feeling happy about the progress if any she is making...

I don't know why she thinks she has to power to choose when to Reconcile or not...she messed up!

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 1:10 PM, December 30th (Monday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, December 30th (Monday)

*Disclaimer - This is based purely on my own experiences*

Now she say''s I am a sweet man... Now I am a sweet man.
I''ve been called "sweet" more times than I can count. Without fail every time it was said by woman who friend-zoned me or by a woman I was dating who had lost (if she ever had?) any romantic feelings for me. Being called "sweet" is akin being a "nice guy". It''s designed to be a safe, sterile compliment imho.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, December 30th (Monday)

Brandon808,
Then I guess it is time to either call it quits?


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, December 30th (Monday)

I wouldn''t say call it quits just because you said you were a "sweet man". It''s just strikes me as not the compliment you give to someone you want to rebuild an intimate relationship with. Whether or not you can (or should) take that as a sign that she is not interested in R or will never be interested in R...well that''s for you to decide.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, December 30th (Monday)

Going through this is tough stuff, and doing it with a spouse that uses excuses, and blame rather than attempting to deal with her own shit makes it even harder.

I am a firm and staunch believer of the fact that you can't nice someone back into the M, and that if the WS doesn't suffer some real consequences of what they have done they won't own their shit, and certainly won't do the work to heal themselves or the M.

I think your plan is good. Be prepared to follow through on consequences though. Go see an attorney now if you haven't. Get yourself STD tested, and I would also strongly urge you to get your son paternity tested. If she is admitting to the affair going on that long who knows how long it really is.

Also I would start to call her out on her blame game. It's total and utter bullshit that she blames your porn issues from the past on her choices now. I would call her out on being scared of you as well. That's BS too.

You deserve more, and only you can demand that you receive it.

Stay strong.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8594 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, December 30th (Monday)

She is going out with the one friend and some others including her family. It triggered me and I said something about her and this friend and she said the following:


, if we are going to move on these kind of reactions have to disappear cause I can't live like that


If we are going to work things out we are going to have to work really work on these reactions cause I just can't live like that everyday. That's the truth

You can express things by if you can't let go of certain things and they keep coming up that's not moving on


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
ZedLeppelin
Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Dude, she is not remorseful at all. Do you really want to go into the New Year like this?!

Is this is coworker she has been sleeping with?

I would to a lawyer and see what options you have in terms of suing your wife's workplace. Or notify human resources of your wife's affair.

This is just me though, as I know of a few affair partners that lost their jobs when the company became aware of the affair, and/or the betrayed spouse is considering legal action.


Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2013
kannan
Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

To be truthful and blunt I see something wrong with you, may be codependency. Its time for a proffessional IC for you.

She slept with another co worker even after getting busted. How much she loves you and your marriage? How much disrespect can you take in a marriage like this.

Stand up man take your rose glasses out and see your wife for what she is.

Hand over the D papers on new years week and get an STD check up and paternity test done.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Lost,
That''s called rugsweeping.
That''s invalidating your pain.
That''s being unwilling to rebuild trust.

There is no remorse there. No caring or concern for you. She doesn''t want to be inconvenienced by your hurt which she caused. This would be like someone shooting you and then getting mad at your for bleeding on their carpet.

She said she was going out. You expressed how that made you feel. After all it''s not like she''s done anything to win back your trust. You''re not a priority for her at all. Her NYE plans are. Seriously, she is more concerned with one night, a NYE gathering, than her marriage and her betrayed husband and rebuilding her family. Brother that is sick.

Cut her loose.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

If you aren't in it already, get into IC for yourself. Your WW is hella unremorseful. You are in a situation where the pain will continue and get worse until YOU make it stop. You can't win/love/coerce/manipulate back an unremorseful WS. It just does not happen. Please read up on codependancy if you haven't already. also another book that may help is "Love must be tough".

You can express things by if you can't let go of certain things and they keep coming up that's not moving on
This pisses me off for you. Your WW doesn't respect you at all and she is cake eating. The only way this stops is if you make it stop. You need to 180, go NC with her and detach. Go see a L and file for D. This shit gets better but you have to take steps to do so. Your life is what you make it. Your M doesn't define you and neither does your W or her A. She doesnt' want to talk about the A anymore, fine let her talk to a L about D and she can see how much luck she has rugsweeping away a Divorce. Take back control of your life for yourself lostsamurai.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:14 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1905 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

^^^^^^

THIS Absolutely.

She is willing to stay married if you fall in line and let her do whatever the F she wants. She has zero remorse, and even less respect for you, your M, and your life together.

You deserve much much more. Time to man up and demand it.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8594 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)

I am just going to detach from her. I think I am done with her all together.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I'm so sorry for your situation.

I guess it's time to talk to a lawyer and file.

Maybe that will shake your WW up enough to realize what she'll be loosing.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 469 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Before I actually file, should I tell her I need some space and need to be alone for a while? My father in law, who is my pastor said I should detach from her as well. Is there a certain way I should do that?


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Should I send her the link to the WS FAQ's you think or what? Is there anything I can send her that will make her wake up and understand...


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Dyokemm
Member
Member # 40254
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

"Should I send her the link to the WS FAQ's you think or what? Is there anything I can send her that will make her wake up and understand..."

Detach means DETACH.

Stop trying to save her or beg her to come back.

Only the harsh reality of seeing you leaving her, emotionally and making plans for a D, has a possibility of waking her up to what she has done to your M with her shitty actions.

Notice...the one time you have mentioned she got really worried about your situation was when you mentioned talking to another woman.

That is a sign of moving on and the M coming to an end.

And it scared her.

Right now, she is in control of your R attempt and that is because you are trying to nice her back.

Stop it....IT DOES NOT WORK.


Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

Updated on 1/8/2013:
I sent my wife some poems and texted her that I was concerned for her health since she has been sick. I went to visit my daughter and I played with her for an hour. I hid a card in my WW's coat with some encouraging messages. She asked my daughter if I wanted to help put her to bed and so I did. They were low on diapers and pull ups so I went and go some while picking up my medication.

My WW calls me and asks me to go to the store to get her a Java Chip drink from starbucks and some cookies for a co-workers birthday. I get the cookies and then I get the drink, but I got the wrong one. I was excited to get it to her because I figured she would think good about me.

She later says she shouldn't have ask me to do that. I was bummed by that statement, because for some reason it made me felt used. I drop the stuff off and she kept texting me and i left the phone in the van to charge while going inside a place to get something to eat. Because i got her the wrong drink she saids the following:
"Do you always not listen to me because I'm not important to you?"

I express to her how upset i was that I failed and even said something on the lines I will probably never get it right. She should find somebody else.

she responds. You didn't listen to what I said, you said go find someone else and I appreciate you going for me I really do. I appreciate a lot you do, but you always get like this when you don't pay attention. Why not just say oh sweeties i'm so sorry. please forgive me and acknowledge that maybe i feel hurt for you not listening. and then i will just be ok. but no you always go off the deep end. frown and now you you're hurt and goodnight to me.

I say that actually makes a lot of since when you put it like that. I apologized and try to resolved the issue right then and there, this all over text. I share an article with her from Love and Respect as I explained to her how her question made me feel and said she feels like she is being attacked.

She said that sometimes i think you read too much. that just makes me feel like not even trying anymore.

I asked her why you want to give up now.

Because is this how you're always going to be now she says.

I explain to her I am trying to improve our relationship by reading and figuring out things.

She retorts:
1. You can't learn everything about a relationship from reading those books, you have to actually live it!

2. I told you something that upset me or made me feel unimportatn and then you send me an article that basically is like i'm attacking you.

I told her I just wanted her to understand my point of view.
then she retorts "it like you say you get it, or understand or your sorry then it like you attack me with something."

I tell her i just wanted you to understand me,

She says it's not always a good time to point things out at someone at that moment when they already feel unimportant already.

I apologized that I made her feel unimportant. She says
I forgive you but I am hurt at the moment. I'm, sorry

I say I am sorry too, i should of addressed your emotions and discussed what I can do.

she send me a sad face and thats the end of the discussion.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

Lost,
Sorry but 2x4s coming...
What is wrong with you???

You got a coffee wrong. She cheated on you!
This whole exchange you described is bizarre to me in that there is no mention of the A. It''s like the elephant in the room. It''s like she has no remorse about it at all and you feel like you need to win her back.

I was excited to get it to her because I figured she would think good about me.
Why is it important that you get her to think well of you? She should be worried about how you think of her.

"Do you always not listen to me because I''m not important to you?"
Brother that is emotionally manipulative. It is mean.

Is your WW typically critical of the things you do? Does she question or criticize the way you do things?

1. You can''t learn everything about a relationship from reading those books, you have to actually live it!
Like reading books about being faithful versus actually being faithful maybe??

You
need
to
detach

She has zero remorse. From what you described her A''s do not enter her mind at all. In fact it appears because of things like getting the wrong coffee (ayfkm?) she feels justified.
She sounds like a user. Me, me, me, me.
Did she ask how you were?
Did she ask how you were doing? How you were feeling?
Did she appreciate the poems or card?


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

Please read Braondon's post again, and then read it one more time.

Your WW, you know the one that fucked another guy? Yah her, you know the one that justifies it because you used to have a porn habit, but got help and go to meetings to stay sober, yah that wife, she is fucking you over again and again, and again.

First of all in what world is someone so sick that they need to be put to bed, but then need you to get shit for her to take to work the next day. Dude if she is that damn sick, she isn't going to work the next day.

Second of all, why do you think it is ok for her to continue to abuse you. You just take it and take it and take it. She is playing you like a fiddle. Your proper response to her having a hissy fit because you didn't get her $8.00 drink right should have been something along the lines of, I tried, You can either drink it or throw it away. If you measure love by getting orders right then you have serious issues.

She is being a high mantainence bitch.

You seriously need to STOP. STOP letting her blame you for everything, STOP engaging her behavior. All you are going to accomplish with the path that you are on, is rugsweeping her A, and coming back in 3 months, 6 months, or a year with another A, or with a message that it never stopped.

Read through some of us veterans profiles, those of us that have had successful R's. You are going to see a few common themes.
1. R was possible because we had a spouse that was willing, and eventually had remorse.
2. To get to the point of having remorse took most if not all of us as BS's growing a pair, and telling the WS we were done. Demanding the respect we deserved. We either threw them out, Separated, or filed to get to that point.

Your wife is still calling the shots. Don't let her.

It's time to demand the respect you deserve. Consider if your kid behaved the way she behaved last night. Would not put a stop to it? I know I would. Nobody gives me that level of disrespect. I am worth much much much more. So are you.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8594 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
trojan007
Member
Member # 36960
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Hey buddy you're blown it. You shouldn't you doing anything like that for her. First of all she has no respect for you. The more you interact with her she's losing more and more respect for you. When any relationship reaches this point, it's pretty much over. You need to be honest to yourself and face the facts. You need to follow the 180, I would say NC absolutely no dialogue except for the kids and that you could do an email or a text. Let her think you're moving on. If you have any chance that's when she might come around. Don't have anything to do with her. Remember she's the one that cheated on you. She still has all the power and absolutely no respect towards you.!!!

Posts: 58 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Valencia, CA 91355
Dyokemm
Member
Member # 40254
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Posters here keep repeating the same message/advice to you over and over again.

DETACH.

Yet you keep refusing to listen and digging yourself into a deeper hole, both emotionally and in terms of ever having a chance to R your M with your WW.

I hope you start listening soon.


Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

I started to Detach. She has text me to ask me what's wrong and if I am ok. I tell her I am fine. Just resting.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Dyokemm
Member
Member # 40254
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, January 13th (Monday)

"I started to Detach. She has text me to ask me what's wrong and if I am ok. I tell her I am fine. Just resting."

You are not detaching friend.

When she reacted to your silence, you reached out and reassured her.

STOP.

And your reassurances were all bullshit anyway.

You are not OK...because of what SHE has done.

Stop comforting her.

She SHOULD begin to fell uneasy about what she has done to you, your M, and her family.

If you keep trying to make sure she is comfortable, she is never going to start doing the things she has to to fix this mess she made.


Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 47