Those are not the statements of a remorseful spouse. First, he needs to choose that he wants this relationship and will fight for it and change whatever he needs to to prevent this from happening again.
If he chooses to fight for you, THEN you can begin thinking about your choice of whether to offer him the gift of R or not.
If he doesn't choose to be all in and fight for your M, then your choice has to be start 180'ing him and plan for D. It's not you that has to fight for the M right now, it's him.
Sometimes, laying down the hard line and being willing to leave and divorce him is the very thing that will snap him out of the fog.
His statement about not wanting to go through all this if you just breakup is BULLSHIT. I could just smack him for that. He doesn't want to go to the trouble?!? I think a remorseful spouse would be saying he would move mountains to get you back and continue fighting no matter what..
You can't just sweep it under the rug. If you do that, then whatever issue he had before that allowed him to do it the first time won't be addressed, and you will be looking at another D-Day. He has to figure out how he let himself do this to you and how to prevent it from happening again..
And if you are trying to R, people that knew about the affair and said nothing to you are NOT friends of the marriage, and both of you should only surround yourself with people who will support your marriage. That guy needs to go.. If he balks at that, tell him bye-bye. He can choose his friend over you if he wants, but he has to know that he will be choosing to lose you. Personally, I wouldn't budge on this one.. I would make it a requirement of R, just like transparency and honesty and counseling, etc..
Don't let him make you feel like you are doing something wrong. He has to earn your trust back, and I'm not seeing that he has that goal in mind..
I think it's time for a 180. Please read up on it, trust yourself, and don't let him manipulate you. You deserve better.
Dealing with an unremorseful spouse who is trying to confuse you is hell. That's why you 180 and start protecting yourself. Lots of hugs to you..