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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: It's hard to give up on something I thought was forever
confused52204
Member
Member # 16913
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

So we never married baught the house together then 1 week later. Everything crashed down! Craigslist for 2 years searching men And women. A year of trying. I'm at the end. I don't want to start a marriage this way. Life really isn't thus hard. Am I right? All year he hasn't tried now he's willing to do anything. He's had his 2nd appt. I've started refi and house. Now I'm freaking out. Am I making right decision! He swears he's not bisexual??? But y search for men???

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2007
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

My best friend is a gay guy, and we were just talking about the definition of bisexual. Would I enjoy having sex with a woman? Maybe.. Would I want to date one? NO. Sooo, I'm not sure what that makes me. Perhaps he enjoys sex with men, but wouldn't date one? IDK, just something we were just talking about.

He didn't try for a year? Personally, I'd make him actually try for a year before I even consider it.

I think sometimes the exes get bored, don't have anyone else, have regret (not really remorse), want to see if they still have their hooks in you, etc. I think I would turn down is offers for a while and see how he acts. If continues to apologize, be sincerely sorry, you see actions of change, etc., then maybe think about. But somehow I think a week or two of you saying you haven't seen enough change will make him give up. Again, IDK, just my 2 cents..

Perhaps you could meet a guy that doesn't make you want to define your name as "confused."

Hugs girl..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2007 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Listen to the red flags that so many of us ignored. That's my advice. Sorry you are here.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 612 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
confused52204
Member
Member # 16913
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

This is my 2nd time around. He knew all the hell I was put thru. That's what makes it so hard ! I have a 6 yo daughter from 1st marriage. Splitting custody w 1 is hard! Very hard! I hate to make the wrong decision. He us such a good guy. But the lies and creepy behavior is crazy. This situation is so crazy I find it hard to believe.

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2007
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

I know it's hard to give up on that dream of security and a happily ever after. But, the way I see it, it's even worse to get trapped in something that could end up hurting you forever.

Don't rug sweep what you know and what you see. At this point, his sexual orientation doesn't much matter - he's looking for someone, anyone, to cheat with.

This is the second time, which means he knew the pain he caused the first time and decided it was worth the risk to do it again. That is selfish, hurtful and extrmely cruel. He wants to try now because you are taking steps to get out and he's afraid of losing his soft place.

Is this how you want to live? Do you want to always be afraid of him taking to the Internet to find someone else to sleep with? Do you want to become more financially and emotionally tangled to a man who has already shown what kind of husband he will be? It's bad enough to get blindsided, but you would be walking into a marriage with your eyes wide open.

And your little girl - do you want her to learn that this is a good relationship? Do you want her to see that her self worth comes behind that of a partner?

You and your DD are the ones who matter here. This is very hard and I know you're scared, but I would be more scared of staying with him.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2712 | Registered: Jan 2011
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

He swears he's not bisexual??? But y search for men???

Your WBF is probably a sex/lust addict. My STBXSAH posted on Cragslist for men and women, mostly for oral sex. For a sex addict, a mouth is a mouth, gender doesn't matter.

I decided to D the WSAH I loved because it is an addiction, and addicts fall off the wagon. I cannot go through this again. I will not let my kids grow up thinking this is acceptable behavior.

Only you can determine if you are making the 'right' decision. Good luck.

((confused))

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 7:22 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1556 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
confused52204
Member
Member # 16913
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

He did not do this twice my first H cheated. He states he did it bc it was self inflicting pain. He said he felt like he wasn't worth enuf. He did take a poly test a year ago. Passed said there was never physical contact.

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2007
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

He is such a good guy. But the lies and creepy behavior.....

Start here.

Very few people are all good or all bad.

So, your WBF has some good characteristics AND he lies to you AND he exhibits creepy behavior.

Those *additional* characteristics are pretty major and shouldn't be ignored.

IMHO, moving forward with your life is the right decision. Life should NOT be this hard. You shouldn't have to worry that your (possibly)soon-to-be-husband is trolling Craigslist for other men to hook up with......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
confused52204
Member
Member # 16913
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

He's trying he's devastated over my decision.

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2007
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, November 15th (Friday)

Don't let the 'poor me' act sway you. His actions 'devastated' you too.

I'll never be able to understand the surprise some WSs show when we leave. What the hell did they think would happen when they engaged in this sort of behavior?


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1556 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Topic Posts: 10