SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: One year
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

November 15 is the day: The first anniversary of the day I found out that The Princess is a slut. I've been dreading this day for the past month.

Had a buddy over for a jam session tonight. During a break, I finally told him the full story. His response: "You tried to save the marriage, but you couldn't do it alone. By trying to save it, and then by ending it, you have set a great example for your boys. That is how a man should act."

That made me feel pretty good, but I'm still dreading tomorrow. I won't have the boys until Saturday this week, so I have the opportunity to react openly. I am going to a concert at night, but still look at this date as something to be feared - just like last January, when it was the first anniversary of my suicide attempt. It's just another day. It doesn't have to mean anything - but fuck me it does.

I'm just scared is all. Feeling pretty good about my progress, but I'm scared. There's not even anything to be scared of: I'm definitely NOT going to kill myself, for the record. I have to live this shit out, and will be alive and well come Saturday morning. Like I said, just scared.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1670 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Count me in the PASS posse! You're right, nothing to be scared of. We got your back!

If only it were so easy.

Sending strength and Mojo.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2549 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

I feel the pain brother. I know exactly how much you hurt. Your friend is right. You did the right thing , be proud of the man you are and the example you set for your boys. The princess is a slut made me crack up when I read it. Mine is too. Stay strong brother. Success is the sweetest revenge.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 610 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

the dread leading up to the antiversary has been worse for me than the actual day.

be kind to yourself. remember how far you've come, and how strong you are. and if you can't, we'll remember for you, and remind you.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12124 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

We are majestic ships navigating through rocky waters and dangerous reefs underneath. I saw and felt the first anniversary like I was sailing over an old wreckage that had sunk deep down below. I saluted it and sailed out into the big blue bowl of wonderful towards the next safe harbour.

You've got this brother - mourning isn't the same as living through hell. Surround yourself with love and joy on the night. Celebrate you.

I'll raise a glass to you tonight.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5418 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
thisisterrible
Member
Member # 24727
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

"You tried to save the marriage, but you couldn't do it alone. By trying to save it, and then by ending it, you have set a great example for your boys. That is how a man should act."

What an amazing thing for your friend to say to you - and so true.

There are so many stupid, idiotic, heartless, downright mean things that people say to someone struggling with infidelity (because they haven't dealt with it and have no idea). But some people know just the right things to say.


Me:BS Him:WH Two young kids
Married 12yrs - together 20
A started 2/09 - S 7/09 - he filed for D 12/09
I wanted to R and he didn't. He never stopped seeing the MOW, who filed for D 11/09. They've since broke up...for now.

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jul 2009
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

We are majestic ships navigating through rocky waters and dangerous reefs underneath. I saw and felt the first anniversary like I was sailing over an old wreckage that had sunk deep down below. I saluted it and sailed out into the big blue bowl of wonderful towards the next safe harbour

Thanks y'all. I'm afraid I'm not feeling like a majestic ship - more of a rowboat, really.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1670 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

You're a majestic ship dude - a rowboat wouldn't have made it past the first rough bit.

Look at the waters you've been though - don't you ever doubt it.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5418 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
abigailadams
Member
Member # 37556
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Do something nice for yourself on the 15th. And see friends. I just past my first anniversary of DDay and a massage and drinks with friends as my DD was with the stbx made it a great day. Wishing you a great day too on the 15th.


Me BS 54
Him WS 51
Married 10 years together 13
DDay October 11, 2012

Posts: 134 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Brooklyn, NY
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, November 15th (Friday)

Pass, we have a lot of residual shit to work through whether we realize it or not and I think we build up these dates in our mind because that's where we store all the residual shit.

I was doing the same leading up to the one year mark of my d-day. Luckily, I was able to be with family...but underneath was that current of d-day feelings swirling around.

The nice thing about being a year out is that you can compare those feelings that come up to good, strong feelings you've had since d-day.

Be kind to yourself. Know we are here for you and are thinking of you today. You have come a long way and now you are a year free of the most wretched malignancy.

(((pass)))


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4552 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, November 15th (Friday)

Antiversary #1 was tough for me as well, but I kept myself really busy, and I think I went out with siblings to "celebrate" my freedom. It was really helpful; there's no reason for you to be alone today, so go out, make plans, and turn this time of year away from awful and toward awesome.

Antiversary #2 was much less painful. I still felt sad when that time of year came around, but it was more like tiny blips instead of waves of sadness.

Thinking of you today, pass, and sending you strength.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 6:13 AM, November 15th (Friday)]


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Oct 2011
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, November 15th (Friday)

Thanks. Been awake for a couple hours and the sky hasn't fallen yet. Still could happen, I guess.

Definitely sad though.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1670 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, November 15th (Friday)

((((Pass)))) We all get it. We've all survived it. For some, smooth sailing. For other, rough tides. And yet we all sailed past that first antiversary one way or the other. And pass? I have no doubt you will too. You are far stronger than you give yourself credit for, bud. We all see it in you. Borrow our eyes for the day if you need to.

Strength to you.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24434 | Registered: Aug 2011
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, November 15th (Friday)

Thank you


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1670 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, November 15th (Friday)

pass, hope you are doing okay today.

I found the lead up to DDay more emotional and distressing than the actual day itself. Mine was 3 Nov 2012.

For me it was helpful to reflect on the positives that have come from this incredible journey. The achievements, personal growth and reconnections with friends I had lost touch with. For every sadness there seems to be a contrasting joy.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, November 15th (Friday)

Is it bad that I've spent a good portion of the day hoping that The Princess dies of anal herpes? I don't even know if there is such a thing, but would love her to succumb to it.

ETA: I don't have to be mature yet.

[This message edited by pass at 4:09 PM, November 15th (Friday)]


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1670 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, November 15th (Friday)

I guess I am less mature than you then .

I would rather hope that my X had a prolonged, painful, puss filled, disfiguring STD that caused his roaming whore detecting dick to fall off. To die from his slut infection seems like an easy way out .

More to the point though I would rather not have him in my thoughts at all ever. That's what I am working towards.



Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, November 15th (Friday)

All I could think of for a the first week he went back to Afghanistan was that if he were killed I'd be financially set for a few years, AND that since I'm still legally his wife, I could attain access to his lurve nest with his AP. I would close out their lurve nest with the apartment manager. I would donate the furniture right in front of her to the Salvation Army. I would let his SUV, that I helped him buy that she is now driving around in, be repossessed. I would immediately close out his bank accounts before she had a chance to withdraw any funds. Turn off his phone and cut off her access (I still have ALL passwords to everything). She has no family, no friends out here, she is pregnant. She hasn't held a job in over a year so no money.
Yep, no pity for the prego whore or her demon bastard.
I love children. So this is so not me. But it is what it is. We have a right to our hurt.

Is it bad that I've spent a good portion of the day hoping that The Princess dies of anal herpes?

So to answer your question, no you are NOT a bad person.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, November 15th (Friday)

Pass,

It was one year ago this past Tuesday for me too.

I am still here. Scared, yes. I just wrote in another thread, the worst case scenario did not come to pass after all: I did not have a nervous breakdown, I did not kill myself (don't even think I ever thought about it), I stayed a good dad for my kids, showing them "how it's done," even though they are too young perhaps to process the lesson they are learning.

And through it all I suffered--god, how I suffered.

Tomorrow will come, and remind you of the worst day of your life. And it will come every year. But you will wake up and know--through your pain, sadness, and fear--that you did everything you could, and then some. You fought the good fight, like a real man.

But I am still here. And so will you be. And so is everyone on SI, an exclusive club populated by men and women of steel--steel forged by the fires of hell.

Forward, Pass, forward. Toast yourself tomorrow, even if it's through your tears.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, November 15th (Friday)

Is it bad that I've spent a good portion of the day hoping that The Princess dies of anal herpes?

Ha. If that makes you bad or immature, I'll up you one: since I found out my STBXWW is pregnant with POS's baby, I have actually chanted aloud (alone), "Please miscarry and die, please miscarry and die..."

As the others say, indifference is the holy grail. Clearly I am not there yet.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, November 15th (Friday)

It's after midnight. I guess I made it through the day all okay.

A few tears, a few glasses of wine, not a lot of work - but I made it. Not sure what I thought was going to happen.

Thanks so much, everyone!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1670 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
cookiegrl
New Member
Member # 38647
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, November 16th (Saturday)

Glad to hear you are doing okay. (((pass)))


Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 8 years
2 awesome kids, 7 and 4
D-Day #1 2/28/13
D-Day #2 10/21/13
Reconciling
Courage is not the absence of fear. It's acting in the face of fear.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Florida
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, November 16th (Saturday)

Brother, the first year for me was a disaster. I meandered through life lost in my own little fog. The second year I found my balls and regained my strength. It was a year of acceptance, fighting back and growth for me. The third year is when I started to live fully once again. This shit takes time. One big mistake is to place a time period on your healing. You will heal when your ready and don't think that because its been a year already its time for you to feel better. One thing that helped me was to take each day as it came. I had my highs and my lows during that time. But I always said to myself that with each day I grow stronger. I'm not going to lie to you and say it goes away for good. Its always going to be there. But in time you learn to live with it and sometimes when you look back you kind of laugh about the whole thing. I'm many years out and now I can see just how comically absurd the whole thing was. Just take it one day at a time and you will be fine. My D-day antiversary now comes and goes without me even thinking about it. Two weeks later I'll say "Shit, my D-day was three weeks ago." And the truth is it passed without a thought. You will get there, don't rush your healing.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Nov 2007
crisp
Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, November 16th (Saturday)

What Stronger said.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 358 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
Topic Posts: 24