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Just Found Out
User Topic: Don't know where to begin
Snapcap
New Member
Member # 41355
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, November 15th (Friday)

Two DDays this week. Tuesday WS admitted long term (~5yr) EA, but not PA. Found additional info and she admitted PA this morning.

I'm reading posts on here and other resources to try to make sense of myself and my thoughts, but nothing helps me now. All I can do is think about how I wish it was simply a nightmare that I could wake up from.

I've let her have control of our M for so long I can't even gather the dignity to consider D. I can't imagine R but I can't imagine D. Both seem impossible.

Because I've devoted so much of myself to trying to make the M work, I have few friends of my own and none to discuss something like this with. I'm going to a therapist soon but I just can't see beyond today. Beyond the next 5 minutes, really. Anybody have advice to get through the first day/week?

[This message edited by Snapcap at 8:29 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, November 15th (Friday)

Snapcap, I'm sorry you're here with us.

I can't even gather the dignity to consider D. I can't imagine R but I can't imagine D. Both seem impossible

You don't need to decide anything right now. Spend some time with the healing library (yellow box in the top left corner) and read lots. Share what you're comfortable with and know that you're among many new friends who will have your back through this.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 277 | Registered: Sep 2013
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, November 15th (Friday)

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but know that you are in the right place. You just made about 40k new friends. You are not alone.

You just found out about all of this this week. This is still too new and too raw to make any kind of sound decision about D or R.

How is she as far as remorse and transparency? Have you thought about the 180? It can be found in the healing library. It can help. Admittedly, I suck at it, but others here have had great success.

Do you work outside the home? Do you have any interests that you can pursue? I know it'll be hard, but if you start to do things for yourself it will help your self-esteem.

Post often, it helps.

Sending you strength.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:30 AM, November 15th (Friday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5836 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Quakingaspen
Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, November 15th (Friday)

((Snapcap))
Like Simplydevastated said, you are in good company. I am sorry you are here, but glad you've come.

I also have isolated myself while trying to hold my M together, so being here and posting has been a great way for me to vent and get feedback and support without impacting my daily life before I am ready.

The only advice I've got is to take care of yourself. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. If you can only handle five minutes at a time, then do your best for the next five minutes and take care of what needs immediately taken care of. Table decisions you aren't ready for. Hang in there.


The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be - and when they're not, we cry.~David Duchovny

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
Nailinmyforehead
Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, November 15th (Friday)

Snap- Welcome Brother, to the best club that no one wants to be a part of. I feel for you. I had a wayward wife who had a 3 year ea/pa, and we have been married 17 years. We are a year out from this mess, and please know that it will get better. The first month was a blur. Keep hydrated with water, exercise and read read read everything you can here. Like you, I had no friends to talk to, and everyone here is really wonderful. Post often and let your feelings out. It is a huge kick in the stomach, but you can make it through this. I promise. You and your family are in my prayers today.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, November 15th (Friday)

Because I've devoted so much of myself to trying to make the M work, I have few friends of my own and none to discuss something like this with.

I also wanted to say that I can relate to this. I'm a SAHM desperately searching for work, I hardly ever leave the house. I have no friends with the exception of one from high school who I rarely see. The friends I do have I've made here and I'm thankful for their friendship. So I understand what you're feeling.

But I'm telling you that it can get better. It just takes time. The best thing you can do right now is try to take care of yourself. Take your kids out and do something fun.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5836 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
coldshot
New Member
Member # 40882
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, November 15th (Friday)

Brother I have been there... it is a pain I could never have imagined. Everyone on this forum knows the pain too, and you are safe here. You have strength you don't realize yet, trust me. You obviously have dignity. You will survive this!
Allow yourself to get through the initial trauma... you have been hit by a train of betrayal and it will take a while to get it together. Concentrating on loving, enjoying and protecting my daughter got me through my pain... you need your kids and they need YOU! Spend as much time as you can with your kids, and express your pain, fear and anger here. There are many awesome people here.
Strength to you... you will be OK.


"The liar's punishment is, not in the least that she is not believed, but that she cannot believe anyone else." -- George B. Shaw

Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: coldshot
Scientist
New Member
Member # 40910
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, November 15th (Friday)

I am sorry you are here, but welcome, you will find a lot of really helpful and supportive advice. I wish I'd known about the site after the first DDay - then there would not have been a second because I would have known what to do.

Above all, take care of yourself. Read about the 180 and do it, even if you get signs of remorse. At this stage, it is as likely to be remorse at the ending of the affair as of damage to the marriage. Read the Healing Library. And hang on, you are among friends here.


Me: 58
WW: 58
M: 36 years
Together 39 years
4 children, 1 grandchild
dday(1) July 2005; dday(2) September 2013

Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: UK
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, November 15th (Friday)

In the beginning, no one thinks they are able to D…well, most of us cannot imagine D. I was a SAHM, lived no where close to any family, had just a handful of friends because I was always moving for ex's job. My entire life was centered on my marriage. It took me about 6 months to make the decision that I COULD leave. Another year to get my life changed, and I had to do a 360 degree turn.

It takes time to work though everything. Don't feel like you have to make a decision right now.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4037 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, November 15th (Friday)

Anybody have advice to get through the first day/week?

1. Breathe

2. Let yourself feel the emotions running wild. You'll cry, you'll rage, you'll swing between loving your wife and not. It's alright, these are normal and to be expected. Even us guys cry.

3. Make and discard plans. This one helped me a lot. The plans, honestly, sucked but the very act of making them helped me feel more in control of my life. They were all over the board from "How do I make sure I'm the primary caregiver for my kids" to "Things I'd like to say to the other man" to "Where would I move to if we divorced." (and by the time I'd gotten to that last one, my WW and I had already decided to make a go of reconciliation, it just happened because an apartment-and-studio combination I'd always joked about renting if I were a bachelor came back on the market.)

4. Journal. About everything. Maybe in separate books. I've seen advice here about documenting "the crazy" in your WS in case it's needed later for D proceedings. Me, I wrote a lot about my feelings and what I was going through. It helped me make some sense out of the chaos inside.

5. Drive, if you're the kind of guy who likes that. For me, once the initial post-D-Day crazies wore off in my brain, I rode my motorcycle a lot. The focus required to ride well, plus the physical sensation of riding really grounded me. Driving my car was similar, though not so immersive. If that's not for you, no biggie.

6. Talk to people. I posted here some, and talked to a counselor/therapist available through my work's Employee Assistance Program. That one helped, even if she didn't have any good concrete "let's save your marriage" advice for me, she did give me some things to think about to improve myself.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 266 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Healing2012
Member
Member # 35238
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, November 15th (Friday)

I am glad you found SI so soon after your Dday. It took me months and it would have helped me so much back then.

What everyone has said is right - don't worry about making a decision about your M right now. You need to focus on you. I know it is difficult, but just try to take care of your basic needs right now - sleep, eat (even just a little), even getting out for some fresh air. Spend time with your kids - they have an uncanny ability to make us laugh and take our minds of the stress for a bit.

Is your WW still at home with you? What has her reaction been since you confronted her with the additional information?

I am so sorry you are here. You might not have a bunch of friends in real life to share this with (neither did I), but please know that no one here will judge you. We understand your pain and can be a great support during this time.

Take some deep breaths (I swear it does help) and if you can only take life 5 minutes at a time right now, so be it.

Sending you peace and strength...


BS: Me (40)
WS: Husband (46)
Married 8 years
Two children 5 & 17 (my stepson)
D-day #1: 12/18/11
D-day #2: 8/26/12 (still in contact w/ OW)
Status: Separated - not R, not D.

Posts: 353 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, November 15th (Friday)

ascian made a good list. I'll add a couple of things to it:

7. Drink replacement meals if you don't have the appetite or energy to eat. Also drink plenty of water.

8. If you aren't already getting a form of physical activity, get one. It will be good for your mind and body.

9. Go to your Dr. and tell him how you are feeling. If you can't sleep, ask for sleep meds. If anxiety or depression are getting in the way of your normal life, ask for antidepressants and antianxiety meds. You won't have to be on them forever, and they make a huge difference during the worst of times.

Above all, try to trust yourself and be your own best friend. Read her often, post often.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
1owner
Member
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, November 15th (Friday)

Sorry you are here, but you are now among friends. Right after dday, I was in a blur, couldn't make sense of anything, lost about 50-55 lbs. not able to eat, sleep, etc. Drink lots of water, eat as best you can, exercise, get out and pay attention to your hobbies and keep your mind off of your WW for a while. It does get better, and you don't have to decide about R or D right now, just try to focus on healthy things for you.

Sorry you had to join this club, but at least you are not alone. Post often, it helps.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Oct 2013
kenny55
Member
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, November 15th (Friday)

Slow down and breathe. You do not need to make a decision today. You also don't have to divorce right away. Some people like me stay for the kids and then divorce. The thing you have to do right now is to take care of yourself.

Posts: 455 | Registered: Feb 2009
mandan66
Member
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, November 15th (Friday)

Snapcap---
There were some really good lists given to you; I highly recommend what HBH said, #8 I think? I wish I had seen my doctor sooner, and started some meds. The beginning of this nightmare is crazy-making and scary, so whatever it takes to get through it, take it.
Hang in there brother. I know its hard to believe you will survive this, but you will. I and most all of us here were once at your same point. Take deep breaths, and just go hour by hour.


Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
M:18--T:19
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
Topic Posts: 15