Just Found Out
User Topic: For those whose WS was "in love"
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, November 16th (Saturday)

This may help - it makes a distinction between infatuation and love. I have to revisit it sometimes to remind myself that it wasn't love. When my H read it (while still only a tiny bit foggy) it was a huge "Ah-Ha."

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 1949 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, November 16th (Saturday)

Thanks for posting that, definitely worth reading! It's crazy to sacrifice love for infatuation or "bling". I will never understand why.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, November 16th (Saturday)

After reading the article, my wife definitely fell more into the "in love" category. Not sure it really matters how you categorize it; a betrayal is a betrayal.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:43 AM, November 16th (Saturday)]

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

Posts: 5644 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, November 16th (Saturday)

It is an escape and then an addiction, for some. That is all I can come with.

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 1949 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 35308
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, November 16th (Saturday)

a betrayal is a betrayal

in MC my WW admitted I could have given her everything she went outside the marriage to get with her AP...and she did this while our daughter was battling a horrific eating disorder. In MC, WW told me her "A" was "therapy" for her to escape. What a pile of nonsense and issue avoidance.

In IC, same as MC for both of us) i was told my WW was selfish, stubborn and was doing everything in her power to blame others for her actions. IN the FOG...

My WW pressured AP to leave his Faithful wife, but he refused. My WW doesnt know I know this.
AP also had some ED issues.....which all cleared up during his "R" while he put in the hard work to fix his marriage.

Your actions define you, not the persona you work so very hard at projecting to everyone you come in contact with.

me: 58
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA-maybe 10yrs?) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 26 yrs
in "R"
and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later (didnt know what i was going to do?)
I contacted AP's faithful wife who knew nothing, we stayed in contact to monitor their every move.
Broke NC multiple times, final NC July 2012.
Fog, denial, blame shifting, issue avoidance,rub sweeping, TT you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful

Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, November 16th (Saturday)

Reading that it seems WH has never loved me.

Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40758
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, November 16th (Saturday)

Thank you for the post. I have been searching something related to this. Trying to understand it myself.
In is just not worth sacrificing what you have. I will never understand this.

Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, November 16th (Saturday)

This article confirmed what I suspected - that he never loved me. The intimacy was lacking. No loving little secrets between us. No eye contact when he said ILY. No remembering special dates - birthdays, anniversaries. No going out of his way to please or surprise me. No initiating fantasy sex. Always needing praise for doing standard man jobs around the house - I gave it anyway. We were so opposite.

We were both guilty of not bringing issues up.

I was willing to stick with him when he grew old but I don't think he would've been willing to care for me if I got sick.

[This message edited by Pippy at 5:38 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]

I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.

Posts: 9587 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, November 16th (Saturday)

What the article fails to mention is that human beings are blessed with the ability of choice. While I agree with many of its points. It kind of sounds to me like its an attraction that a WS cant help but pursue. That's where the choice part comes in. Call it what you want infatuation, fantasy, fog etc. To me its all selfish choices made by a person without regard to their spouse, family or anyone else for that matter. Perhaps I'm jaded, but I don't see how people can claim they love their spouse and go out and cheat. I might buy that a WS has fallen out of love with their BS and instead of doing the right thing by D'ing they take the cowards way out and have an A. But don't ever suggest to me that they still love their BS while doing these selfish things. That shit just don't flush in my bowl.

Affairs are strictly Quid Pro Quo. You give something and I give you something. Usually a male gives attention and validity and in return a woman gives them sex. I do believe that females tend to cheat more for an emotional connection as opposed to males who are looking for sex. I remember having an argument with my XWW about her claiming she was in love with her OM. I strait out asked her what he did to show his love for her. She went down a laundry list of nonsense like he bought her flowers, took her to a play, went to dinner etc. And I responded that after each and everyone of those things you mentioned you had to jump through hoops sexually to pay him back. I told her she should have just taken cash from him because all it came down to was prostitution in my book. He gave her things and she gave him sex. I told her love is not about getting laid. Its about putting ones own personal wants and needs aside in order to make your partner happy. If her theory held any water I should have been getting hang from the ceiling monkey sex everyday of our M. She shut up after that.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5655 | Registered: Nov 2007
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

Don't fall for this..."in love". Is can't be "in love" with a fantasy.

No history posted, so I would say you are still new to this...a lot feel that they were "in love". Give it a year...most change their tune and realize they only liked/addicted to the attention. The way it made them feel.

If it was "love", they would still be with the AP.

That said, they didn't love you either.

The only person they loved was themselves.

Me-BW 39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 10