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User Topic: SI mention in BostonGlobe article
WakingFromADream
Member
Member # 33934
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

http://www.bostonglobe.com/magazine/2013/11/17/the-state-extramarital-affairs-getting-caught-and-cheater-meter/o3juJzkgQwkJ6GOu0bXliO/story.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce


Me(35) XWW(36) DS(7) DD 11/16/11 EA(PA?) M 11y D 9/3/13

Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.


Posts: 1148 | Registered: Nov 2011
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, November 18th (Monday)

That's a great article.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, November 18th (Monday)

“You might not really feel what you think you’re going to feel,” says Ruskin. “Many people think they would end the marriage; when they find out, more actually stay [than think they will]. A lot of people, as they talk to their spouse, feel they played a role in the cheating.”
This is a therapists quote in the article. It seems she is agreeing that the faithful spouse plays a role. Don't agree with this. She goes on to say:
“The affair is typically not just about having sex,” says Ruskin. “The theory is that there is an underlying issue that has led to the affair.”
Yeah, that underlying issue is an asshole spouse who feels fucking someone besides their spouse is okay.

I liked most of the article, though. Thanks for sharing, Waking.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9793 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, November 18th (Monday)

Thanks for sharing that.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2601 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
IDeserveMore
Member
Member # 40460
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, November 18th (Monday)

I guess I liked the article but the PI guy seriously got on my nerves with this:

Chauppetta says technology is bad for business, with more men and women catching their own spouses red-handed. But some still hire the PI for incontrovertible proof. “People are just gluttons for punishment,” he says. “Sometimes, [they] need to see living, breathing flesh on videotape.”

No, it's not masochism that makes people want to hire a PI. People do it because if they don't they will be gaslighted from here till kingdom come. Sometimes I think there should be a fund drive so people can afford get a few hours from a PI. Maybe it could end the dance sooner.


Me BS 45, him 48, 15yo DD and 13yo DS
DD#1 1998, DD#2 2004
6 years of TT yields chronicity.
I may never get over it.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2013
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, November 18th (Monday)

The article has so many good points, better researched than many. But then it has fatal flaws. Was it the BAN people that blamed the marriage on the affair? *sigh* I don't know much about that group, so curious if that's their view? Or just those people were wrong or my reading comprehension is poor.

Had they said it is the over-benefitted partner that is likely to cheat, not the reverse, it would have been much better. And sad the PI doesn't understand the motivation of his own clients. Of course, that could have just been the one chosen quote over a long interview.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6545 | Registered: Jan 2011
Sleepy312
Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, November 18th (Monday)

This is a therapists quote in the article. It seems she is agreeing that the faithful spouse plays a role. Don't agree with this. She goes on to say:

“The affair is typically not just about having sex,” says Ruskin. “The theory is that there is an underlying issue that has led to the affair.”

Yeah, that underlying issue is an asshole spouse who feels fucking someone besides their spouse is okay.

while I agree with both statements I don't see how a therapist can defend a cheater and put blame on the BS. sure, I feel affairs aren't about the sex it's typically an escape from an issue at home. The cheater is too much of a coward to deal with the real problem, so they cheat and get an ego stroke. Just my experience and knowledge from friends. grr


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
Topic Posts: 7