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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: can't take much more
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

Sitting here workingn hearing him talk to his BFF about how my A made him feel. Hearing him talk about how good life is going to be now that his decisions are his own to make without having to consider me. That was hard but tough, my consequences. But then having to hear him say that he went to her because she was someone who had always wanted him around and would make him feel good again. Fuck, it took everything in me to not march into the other room and tell him that I felt and feel like a piece of shiy every day. I would have done anything to have him give me a chance at a life with him. Instead he chose to look at me, slap me with the same pain, show no remorse and then stick my face in the shit. Fuck you, the bitch never gave a shit about you. She never fucking cared, if she did she wouldn't have tried to break us up 8 years ago. And I'm sorry I made YOU feel like shit!? You saw me have nerbous breakdowns because of a shit job I worked for YOU, you never looked for work I put in all your apps, I cleaned, I cooked, I did grocery all while you were home all day and could have done that shit. I bawled DURING SEX, WHO THE FUCK CRIES DURING SEX IF THEY'RE HAPPY!? I begged you for kids, begged you for marriage, begged you to show me you gave a shit. You spent money on gifts and that's supposed to show me you loved me!? I planned a trip to you to Disney World, I threw you a party, took you to Disney World and then the day after we got back BEFORE I had to go to work I baked you cookies at 10 pm. After my A I went to IC immediately, almost drove myself insane (literally was admitted to 2 psych ER's), complete transparency, even was going to agree to a threesome but couldn't go througb with it. So you went to craigslisy for "friends," got back in touch with a girl you said was easy when you worked with her, disrespected me any way you could, got back in touch with that fucking bitch and lied to me about it all. You fucking asshole. Hey everyone want to know something I've kept from just about everyone!? A couple days after my confession I was begging him to let me in, give me a shot at helping him be happy again. My clothes were torn off and we were having sex befor I knew it. It hurt, I was not rdy nor did I want to have sex, I did it for him and then he pushed me off of him and walked away from me. He feels like he raped me, I disagreed and comforted him but have never been comfortable about that moment. Add in all the other shit he did during sex after that and the act is something I'm no longer 100% comfortable with. But I'm the bitch, I'm the whore, I'm the asshole, I'm the evil one....now I'm reduced to silent teats this whole time because I refuse to let him see me in pain again.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2623 | Registered: Oct 2012
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

((Unagie))

I am sorry you are hurting... The "begged for marriage, begged for kids" line really struck a chord with me.

I know lots of people around here would say we are lucky that we have less legal ties to unwind in this mess since we weren't married to our WS. I don't know about you, but there is a little extra layer of hurt there after being betrayed by someone you've been with a lot of years, but who didn't want to get married. I have struggled a lot with the idea that it never even occurred to me that my WxSO couldn't even pretend to want to make that type of commitment. Of course marriage doesn't protect you from infidelity, but seriously... my WxSO couldn't even pretend that I was the love of his life and couldn't live without me. That makes me really sad, that I was okay with it for so long.

I think you are around the same age as me. I hope that you find peace in your NB and don't waste anymore time on someone who clearly doesn't deserve you.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2171 | Registered: Feb 2010
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

Unagie - He is cruel beyond words to be saying this bullshit with you in earshot. Unbelievably cruel.

When do you get out of there? Any way to speed it up?


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24366 | Registered: Aug 2011
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

No way to move it up. It all falls on money, I was out of work for 2 weeks because of bronchitis, so I lost out on money...almost lost my job. Family is broke and friends got screwed govt shutdown. I'm just so sad right now.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2623 | Registered: Oct 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

((((Unagie)))) Oh, honey. I wish I could airlift you out of there and back home to your family. Since that's out of the question, I am sending you strength. This will pass - I promise. You will be free. You will move on with your life. Keep focusing on you. Filter out his crap, as hard as that may be.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24366 | Registered: Aug 2011
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

Dang girl....I didn't realize that you were still living with this ass-jack.

Your WBF is a GradeA douchewad.

You messed up. You did what you could to fix it. *He* has been nothing but an evil monster ever since then.

Ig-Nore Him.

{{{unagie}}}


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7675 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, November 18th (Monday)

Thank you. I went to sleep because it was the easiest way to block the pain for a few hours. I want to make it clear I still do not think he raped me, I do think that I should habe made it clear I did not want sex in that moment instead of going along with it to make him feel better. I did that a few times when he wanted it and you know what it demeans the act and makes it less then. Sex should never be used that way, it should be a consensusal loving act that shows how much you feel for each other, that wasn't what that was.

I'm miserable truly, he tells he's happier then he was a yeat ago, I'm not. My mom is begging me to come home, I'm trying to, I'm trying to.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2623 | Registered: Oct 2012
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, November 18th (Monday)

I know lots of people around here would say we are lucky that we have less legal ties to unwind in this mess since we weren't married to our WS. I don't know about you, but there is a little extra layer of hurt there after being betrayed by someone you've been with a lot of years, but who didn't want to get married. I have struggled a lot with the idea that it never even occurred to me that my WxSO couldn't even pretend to want to make that type of commitment. Of course marriage doesn't protect you from infidelity, but seriously... my WxSO couldn't even pretend that I was the love of his life and couldn't live without me. That makes me really sad, that I was okay with it for so long.

Yes, ^^^this. This is exactly how I feel Whalers.
Unagie, I hope that you are feeling better today and I hope that you will be able to get away from this asshole ASAP.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1302 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, November 18th (Monday)

I'm miserable truly, he tells he's happier then he was a yeat ago, I'm not. My mom is begging me to come home, I'm trying to, I'm trying to.

Hang in there, you will get to a better place soon. It's hard when you can't break contact, but just 180 and focus on you.


Posts: 3237 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, November 18th (Monday)

He is an abusive ass. Just keep working on you. You cannot fix him nor change him.
Having the A was wrong. Period. But you were owning that. You and he have some serious dysfunction.
He, I say again, is an abusive ass. But you sound very much co dependent. You need to keep working with your IC. Try your best to put a protective emotional bubble around you where he cannot get in. Also, do you have a friend you can go stay with, even if it isn't overnight?
Work on you and work on getting out of that situation. Sound like he is happy you had an A so that he can further excuse his abuse he's poured on you for years.
I am so sorry. I wish I could help, but I'm broke too.
Hugs to you and hang in there.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, November 18th (Monday)

Sorry for the pain. This guy is an ass. No way around it. When you were dealing with your shit and he made statements about wanting to make you pay and now finding out about this woman, I have to wonder. Was he ever fully into the relationship?

Got my doubts.

Sending strength.

(Headphones are a great way to tune him out! Just sayin)


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2534 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, November 18th (Monday)

TBH I don't know if its codependence or just it being hard to let go of 10 years. I dedicated my life to him for a long time. I spoke to my IC about codependency when I could afford an IC and she thought I was strong and and capable of being solo but that my life was so ingrained with him that it would take a long time to detach and no longer grieve and have him matter. I've looked into codependency, I match some of it but not all. I can revisit it and read more on it. I can't afford another IC and its a long waiting list for a free one.

I do feel better today. I 180'd pretty hard yesterday and today. He finally came in and asked me if I was okay. I told him I was processing some things I heard him say yesterday but I'd be fine. That was all, we've barely spoken past a few muttered words since then. Its hard to let go of what I thought would be my forever and see something different. I'm working on it.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2623 | Registered: Oct 2012
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, November 18th (Monday)

Unagie,
I'm not a classic case of co dependence either. However, I also exhibited some of the signs, and I consider myself co dependent. I never took the emotiona abuse lying down, I always defended myself and stood my ground. But, I stayed put like a good co dependent should.
Look into yourself. See why you stayed. I told myself that it was because of my religious convictions.
Now I struggle with fear of ever getting married again. I want to always have an out. If we aren't married, I can walk. I know this isn't healthy, but for me right now it is healthier than staying in a relatoinship where my H didn't put me and our M first and didn't cherish me and treat me like the treasure I should have been to him.
I totally hurt for you that he has been so cruel. Sounds like he was pretty much a monster before the A.
Why did you have the A instead of leaving or filing for LS or D first?
When you answer that question (I haven't read too many past posts from you...so you may have already answered this for yourself), you will be able to work within yourself.
I hope you find happiness and healty chi!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Topic Posts: 13