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User Topic: What is he doing?
lisaloo
Member
Member # 20082
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

WH is not really speaking to me...but he's changing the oil in my car right now...he did the laundry yesterday and dug up some bushes that I'd asked him to do for a year now...but (if you've been following my story you'll remember) he then left the house and went and got drunk or whatever and didn't come home until almost 4am (so I got 2 hours of sleep before work wondering if he was coming home to keep DD). Wtf is this? You won't talk yo me but you'll do my laundry? Our marriage is crap but he's doing yard work for a house that we won't even own if things don't change? What the hell? Anyone know what is happening here?


Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house separation...fun, fun, fun.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: AL
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

He's telling himself he is trying by doing what is easy for him to do, what he is willing to do. Then he can tell himself he is trying.

I called this putting frosting on the rancid cake.

It is pretty and sweet and it tries to cover the rot beneath. It doesn't work.

[This message edited by JustWow at 9:03 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3612 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

I'm with Justwow...^^^^^ nailed it


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
lisaloo
Member
Member # 20082
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

That makes sense...he's making me loathe being around him.


Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house separation...fun, fun, fun.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: AL
SummerStorm21
Member
Member # 41320
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

JustWow just gave me goose bumps! Spot on.

Not giving a crap about your feelings, that's for sure.


BW

Posts: 112 | Registered: Nov 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

That makes sense...he's making me loathe being around him.

And then you will be the bad guy for calling it quits.

FTG


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

He is hoping you will see he can "do stuff" for you. As if that matters. My FWH still does things like that occasionally even if he is not having his A. It is really weird.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
deena
Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

Easing his conscience like "just wow" said.

Makes him feel less of a bad guy.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
IDeserveMore
Member
Member # 40460
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

My husband does this exact thing. He does the things HE wants to do to be able to show that he is trying.

But I've pointed out again and again that these don't do it for me. I've been so specific about my needs but he just can't do those things. But he'll clean and run errands and hang out with the kids instead.

I'd just be so pissed if I were you. You want him to get his ass home so you don't have to worry where he is or if he'll be home for when you leave for work. You want him home so you can just get some sleep. But he can't give you that.

This burns me up every time.


Me BS 45, him 48, 15yo DD and 13yo DS
DD#1 1998, DD#2 2004
6 years of TT yields chronicity.
I may never get over it.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Aug 2013
stillprettyupset
Member
Member # 41286
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, November 18th (Monday)

In no way trying to defend an adulterer, but it's possible he doesn't understand what he needs to do for you so he's trying what he thinks will demonstrate care. I was a terrible communicator (and probably still am) so I did things for my wife to show affection. Turns out that wasn't recognized as a display of caring. My thinking went: I do the dishes, sweep the floor, and run laundry so she will appreciate what a catch I am...give her free time to do what she enjoys...and she will leap into my arms in a flurry of passionate emotion. That I didn't have to talk about "feelings" was just gravy! So, in reality she said "thank you" then used her newfound free time to text her AP. Awesome.
The point being, men aren't trained during adolescence to understand what you need to feel loved, cared for, appreciated, or how to console grief and apologize. We will move a mountain with a spoon but never consider that what you really needed was a hug.
He might be trying.


Me: 42
WW: 36
Latest D-day: Sept 2013
Reconciling? Limbo?

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NE Ohio
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, November 18th (Monday)

WH is not really speaking to me...but he's changing the oil in my car right now...he did the laundry yesterday and dug up some bushes that I'd asked him to do for a year now
These are all "Acts of Service," which are nice ... unless your M has imploded. Yet one more instance of "Looking for love in all the wrong places."

He's doing the only thing he knows how to do, because he's never been taught how to do any differently.

Thank him for digging up the bushes after a year and hand him a copy of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" by Linda J. MacDonald (98 pages long). Tell him when he is done with his "thinking and processing" the two of you need to talk about your M.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
cancuncrushed
Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, November 18th (Monday)

I needed this. I was wondering what all this cleaning and cooking meant. I have read the book 5 love languages. And I do believe his love language is to do things. Mine is not. ANd also his mom was OCD clean freak. I hadnt really compared it to him making himself feel better. What really irks me in the end, is he makes a huge production of it. " I DID THE LAUNDRY" CAN YOU SAY THANK YOU? pisses me off. And we fought for 3 months, because he was ruining my nice clothes. Now I hide my dirty laundry. And my reply is "but you didnt put it away". This doesnt help me in any way. Thanks for input. Iwas puzzled/.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 891 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
Topic Posts: 12