User Topic: BS: When did you know to go?
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

To the BS out there: how long did it take you to figure out the affair was a deal breaker?

Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, November 18th (Monday)

Well, in my case, he made the decision for me. He unilaterally ended our marriage with no discussion at all. He first came to me out of the clear blue sky and asked for a separation. I asked why, WTH, etc. I asked immediately if he was having an A, of course he wasn't, blah, blah, blah.

He refused to do marriage counseling or anything, so we did in house separation while he looked for a place to live. At that time, I was still hopeful that he'd pull his head out of his ass and realize what he was doing. Six weeks after the "separation" talk, I discovered the A. It was heartbreaking, but validating at the same time as I knew something was going on. I told him he needed to leave and he basically said that was fine, because he had found an apartment and she would be moving in with him shortly. She did.

He then threatened me for two months with filing for D, but never did anything about it. So, I got an attorney and did it myself. Just like I had to take care of everything else in our marriage.

BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 918 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, November 18th (Monday)

It was always a deal breaker for me because he never made any attempt to fix his problems, he just went underground. I was sticking it out until my youngest graduated from high school until my oldest daughter uncovered his latest A so I couldn't hide it from her (she was the one that told me). I busted him at his whore's house and he left from there. Crept back to the house that night while I was at a school parent meeting to grab a few personal items and left. Moved 4000 miles away about a week later. I started the legal paperwork immediately so my original plan to exit when youngest graduated got moved up about two years. His actions determined my decision long ago, with the last D-Day only confirming what I already decided.

BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet

Posts: 1189 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, November 18th (Monday)

I knew from Day 1 but raged against it. I didn't want it to be. I could never look at him the same way again. I would never trust him implicitly again. I found it hard to live with myself for even considering giving him a second chance. I hated myself for it.

I raged against it being a deal breaker all through a 3m False R. I didn't completely accept it until a few months after Final S. Boy, was that painful.

These days I see his total lack of remorse as a gift. It forced my hand - I had no other choice unless I wanted to tolerate my husband having affairs. Having no other choice freed me well before I had the strength and courage to free myself.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, November 18th (Monday)

I'm with SBB. I think deep down I knew it early on. But I forged ahead anyway. There really was no trust left and I guess my gut was right. Because she broke NC and I packed my shit and left. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. But I think everyone person has a breaking point. Some can put up with shit longer than others. But there comes a time when you just know. And when you do, don't second guess yourself. Just move along because its not fair to anyone involved.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 2:51 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5724 | Registered: Nov 2007
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, November 18th (Monday)

For me, it was when we were going through a family tragedy, and I found he had started cheating again! At that moment, I knew he would never be there for me, that for would always be HIS needs, his wants first.


Posts: 1108 | Registered: Sep 2009
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, November 18th (Monday)

When I found out he was back in contact with AP 6 months into our "R".

Done. I walked away and never looked back.

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, November 18th (Monday)

When even after kicking him out and his affair damn near instantly died (she ran for the hills), there was still not an ounce of remorse for what he had done. Clearly the affair was just the tip of the iceburg of what was really going on and it quickly became clear that he isn't mentally healthy enough to do anything that would be necessary to get past the damage that was done. Hell, it would have been a struggle just to get to the point where he accepted that what he did was wrong and that is a battle that I wasn't willing to take on.

Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, November 18th (Monday)

I appreciate all the responses. What i was really looking for was a literal when. That is, how long after DDay. WW and i are at 14 months. And like allot of us, we have terrifically awesome days, weeks. And horrible days. Sometimes i just want to say.fuck it. Others, i couldn't be more sure of or success.

Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, November 18th (Monday)

About 6 months of false R with his behavior getting worse. One night he never returned home without a call and the next morning I filed. He is NPD and I was codependent and scared out of my wits. But I did it!! I won my freedom.

Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2707 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 15088
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, November 18th (Monday)

15 months. I needed time. I needed the shock and pain to settle. I wanted to get myself to a place that I could make decisions driven by my head, not my heart or his manipulations.



~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown

Posts: 2190 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, November 18th (Monday)

When I found out he was trolling for sex with an old girlfriend despite being "happier than he's ever been".

Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 607 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, November 18th (Monday)

Sorry--I just saw your update. Seven months.

Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 607 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, November 18th (Monday)

3-1/2 years after Dday.

I couldn't get unangry. I stayed angry and cried all the time and couldn't think straight about anything. I finally decided to get serious counseling starting May 2013. By the end of June I knew his A was a dealbreaker and was all along. I gave him 3 more years of my life to fix himself...he wouldn't do it no matter what I said, did or threatened. So....

Filed D July 1, 2013
In-house separation July - end of September.
Divorced 9/25/13
Moved out 10/7/13

"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, November 18th (Monday)

I knew in my gut on dday that the marriage was over, not so much because the affairs were a deal breaker but I knew he would never have any remorse.
We separated for 5 mo then he came back for three. What a disaster never went no contact. Finally he walked out one morning without a word and got on a plane back to Thailand. He never wanted to try again but I wouldn't have anyway.

It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20383 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Member # 40249
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, November 18th (Monday)

I was about 6 or 7 months into a combination of false reconciliation and working the 180. I was talking more and more with my friends about their experience of marriage and realizing that my marriage was normal. We both had problems. We needed to work on those problems, but nothing was out of the norm.

I had friends and family getting angry for me and helping me realize that I had to start focusing more on myself and my children. My wife had to start making very significant progress, otherwise it was time to end my suffering. It felt like the situation I was in was emotionally abusive. I could no longer be a willing participant.

Due to other life circumstances, there was a lull during which neither of us had to think about or address the ongoing affair much for several weeks. After that time, she made a series of choices that made it clear that she hadn't made any progress in her thinking or feeling during that time. She was in complete avoidance mode, and I could tolerate it no longer. By that point, I was waiting for a clear and unambiguous incident to use as instigation for the final request that she leave. I asked her to leave one morning when I knew she had stayed at the OM's house. I remember typing up the text and then staring at it for a while before hitting send. I could not longer tolerate her benefitting from the life that I provide while carrying on an active affair right in front of me.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, November 18th (Monday)

On last D-Day I knew the legal process of D had to begin...

BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet

Posts: 1189 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, November 18th (Monday)

I knew it was his time to go after almost 6 months of in house separation and him pretty much flaunting the A in my face. He just stopped even remotely trying to hide it.
DD was April and he moved out in September.
There was never any offer of R.
There was only talk about, "he didn't know what was going to happen, we could get back together but just not now."

BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1420 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, November 18th (Monday)

After DD 1, I vascillated back and forth. I didn't know what I scratch that. I wanted the A to never have happened.
DD 1 he didn't want to end his A, he just agreed not to disrespect me anymore in my home. Said he wouldn't have anything to do with her until he went back to Afghanistan. He went and bought a secret phone. I knew the day he bought it and the day he activated it, 6 days later.
After about a week and a half, I had enough of waiting for him to pull his head out of his fourth point of contact. I confronted him and told him to get out.
An hour later, he came back, gave me the phone and we destroyed it together.
He went back to Afghanistan. About 2/3 weeks later, he sent me an email he clearly meant to send to her. He gave some ridiculous lie about how it wasn't meant for her.
I made an appointment, had to wait about 3 weeks because my lawyer was in high demand. Once I saw her, I filed for legal separation. But truthfully, I was hoping he would come home and he would give me true R.
He came back from Afghanistan Aug 21 and was still proclaiming he was leaving me because I couldn't just leave well enough alone and get over it. Spouted off several times how I was holding him to me and woudln't free him. I just smiled and listened to him. The next day, he woke up and started packing. I had to stall him so he would still be there when the process server would be there (7:00 a.m.).
He was served and he left within an hour.
I still hoped he would give me true R.
A few days later, I found out he moved her to our state and in his apartment.
THAT was when I had no more doubts.
He did me a huge faovr. Now, I'm healing, and he is a f&@kwit! (Thanks SBB, I first learned that term from you!)
edited for typos and clarity.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 1:36 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2334 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, November 18th (Monday)

I'm with SBB. I think deep down I knew it early on. But I forged ahead anyway.
+1 for this. I knew as soon as it happened but couldn't face it. Took me 2 years including 1 year of false R to pull my own head out of my ass and file. Best decision I ever made and I haven't looked back since.

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, November 18th (Monday)

Two weeks after D-day round 2 (at which time I kicked him out of the house because of A#2 and admitted multi-ONSs; he claimed he was ending his A and will get "healthy"), I discovered he had continued A#2. A had only been going on a month at that point. Stalled for a month while his mother's battle with cancer ended and gave him a month to grieve at which time I filed. In that time, he didn't even exhibit regret. Never did. Still hasn't.

Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, November 18th (Monday)

We were already in the process of filing for divorce for ambiguous "irreconcilable differences". That was when I discovered that she had been cheating periodically for the last few years. I felt relieved because I did not want to divorce for no good reason. Once I had a good reason, I repossessed some family jewelry when she was not looking and told her I had an offer for the house so she better find a place to live.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 22