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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Collaboration on Christmas?
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, November 18th (Monday)

Well it's that time again.
X and I generally only talk about the kids and only sporadically.
Once again this year he will be taking a month vacation starting somewhere around the 16th of December and returning on Jan. 12th.
How do I know this? X's ex wife of course. BTW, he also told the kids he won't be here for Christmas.

Every year while talking about kid related visitation he manages to ask what they want for Christmas. Last year he got them a digital camera each (my idea), which they used on our trip to Disney World and haven't used much since.
This year they want iPad minis.

I told him.

Then he said that if he gets them he will have to have their assurance that they will do some outdoor activities in exchange for the iPads like skiing, skating etc. so that they do not become lumps who sit in the house.
WTF?

This is the same guy who said that he wanted me to make sure they watch less TV since he asked them some times tables and "they didn't seem to know". Um, yes, that's what kids do when you start quizzing them out of the blue when they are over at your place for dinner, once every 6 months.

This is the same guy that often says that he doesn't want them spending too much time on extra curriculars if their school work is suffering. How would he know what their grades are? Not interested and never asks me or the school.

He aslo is the guy who says that doing lots of activities is important and that everything they are enrolled in was his idea and that I was against.

Let's get this straight.

I take care of them 97% of the time for the last 2 years. I do all of their homework with them, attend teacher/parent meetings alone, take them to their extracurriculars, pay for all of their college funds and make sure they get to see him occasionally (when he has the time and attention and nothing else better to do) if it fits in with their busy schedule.

I guess what I am asking is: Does your X ask about Christmas gifts? At the very least to ensure that they get what they want and gifts are not duplicated?

Really, I can ask one of my sisters and the girls' aunt to get the iPads and it probably won't be a problem.

I'm tired of him trying to dictate how I raise the kids ("to his standards") when he is essentially absent in their lives and those standards change on a whisper and a prayer.

I suspect that the month away is for the wedding to fMOW (DOW) and the honeymoon. I suspect her son will be a guest at the wedding. Likely to happen in Europe where she still lives and so far has no plans to leave. Good, maybe he will forget that his former family even exists.

IC today. Good.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1438 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, November 18th (Monday)

Why do you feel the need to tell him? He could ask them as they are 9. If he sends a duplicate gift return it or sell it. And let the kids take the money to buy what they want.

This guy has nothing to add to your kids but hurt.

He has nothing to add to you but criticism. Jerks act and say jerk-y things. Cats meow, and you wouldn't spend a minute trying to change a cat.

He walks and talks like a jerk, he is a jerk, and jerks do stuff like that. So, acknowledge that, and get on with your day, and don't give him one second of time or effort.

Your kids are learning the truth now, and thank goodness they have you!


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2725 | Registered: Jan 2010
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, November 18th (Monday)

I agree with Chrysalis.

Like you, I used to try to collaborate with XWH to avoid duplicate gifts to the kids.
I once sent an email XWH with a list of items I planned to or had already purchased. He, in turn, used my list to go shopping for the kids.

Needless to say, I no longer share that information with him. Any duplicates they receive are returned. I've noticed for the last two years that they either only get cash from XWH or "Dad says he'll take us shopping on his next day off".


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6574 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, November 18th (Monday)

No, there is no collaboration for gifts. Furthermore, once he knows what gifts the kids got from me he runs to the store & out-purchases me, just to make sure that he's the better gift giver.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9851 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, November 18th (Monday)

Then he said that if he gets them he will have to have their assurance that they will do some outdoor activities in exchange for the iPads like skiing, skating etc. so that they do not become lumps who sit in the house.

Since he sees them so little, I would just say, Sure. Then he pays for the iPads. Load the star watching app on them and take them outside. Win win.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, November 18th (Monday)

This is our first Christmas apart. I considered talking to him about Christmas presents/lists but then I realized...

1.I'd have to talk to him more than necessary and I would be setting myself up to hear another one of his "I'm so broke" woe-is-me tales that fail to mention that the cause of his financial problems is what he does with his money.

2. He doesn't plan anything. I always did all of the Christmas shopping for the kids and any gifts he bought for me or anyone else was very, very last minute.


3.He wastes all of his imaginary disposable income (ie. money that should go towards bills but doesn't) on himself and I doubt he will plan to do much if anything for the kids even for Christmas. He might even go the "my child support paid for their presents" route.

Basically, *if* he does anything he will do it without my input and collaboration. If he wants to know exactly what they want he can ask them. Chances are very good that there won't be any duplicate presents and if there are some...good! Then what he bought can stay at HIS apartment. It would be the first and only things at his place that belong to his children as sad as that is.

I'm tired of him trying to dictate how I raise the kids ("to his standards") when he is essentially absent in their lives and those standards change on a whisper and a prayer.

My ex tries the same nonsense. I guess it's their way of feeling like a father without having to actually do anything. Sad bastards.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 3:15 PM, November 18th (Monday)]


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, November 18th (Monday)

Does your X ask about Christmas gifts?

No. If he gets them something - it is a gift card.

He is now living with his GF (and her son) so I suspect Christmas will look a little more like Christmas this year (with a unwrappable gift) since GF is in the mix. Maybe not.

I would start weaning yourself that role with your X. At nine years old, they are old enough to provide him with a Christmas list.

As for his stipulations - bah-humbug. IT is a gift......Gifts do not have requirements (ie more outside time).

Whatta idiot (not you.... )


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, November 18th (Monday)

Yeah, time to stop "helping" him. Yes, I know, he can afford to buy the girls a good gift, but it's up to him to decide what that is now, especially if he's going to use you giving him suggestions as leverage to give you orders.

The girls are 9. He can ask them himself, or he can take his best guess. In essence, stop helping him with his relationship with the girls. He obviously doesn't appreciate it.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5541 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, November 18th (Monday)

I would reply, "I'm sorry, I can't give you any assurances. I'll ask someone else to give them the iPods." End of discusstion.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1876 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)

Thanks everyone.
Yep, he needs to ask them what they want and chances are they will say the iPads.

Last year he had the nerve to buy them t-shirts from Universal Studios Orlando and sent a Christmas card from the Hotel near Disney World that he was staying at with skank and her son.

I would reply, "I'm sorry, I can't give you any assurances. I'll ask someone else to give them the iPods." End of discusstion.

^^^This is going to be my response.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1438 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)

Ex asked me about christmas gifts, I replied he is to ask DS (who is 12 and capable of asking for his own gift).

Ex really doesn't have any say in how DS is raised, because he is never here. I just thank him for his input and continue doing what I am doing. It must be working DS has great marks and is very active in sports.

The problem is I always bought the christmas presents, he never had to, so he struggles. I will give him a shred of a compliment this year though. DS asked for a skateboard, which I am against and for once Ex came to me and said "DS asked for a skate board, I don't think that is a good idea, I will get him _________instead." I was impressed he actually put some thought into it for once.

DS still laughs that since EXH moved out that I don't seem to get so many cooking things in my sock anymore at christmas....lol.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 11