Topic: Was the separation/divorce for the best all along?
Member # 15300
| Posted: 1:25 PM, November 18th (Monday)|
It's hard to see any good when your heart is breaking and you're in a crying mess ion the sofa. I didn't think I could survive splitting with the XSO.
Many years along (my rift with serial philanderer XSO was in 1998), my perspective is so so different. If he hadn't cheated and I hadn't caught him and I hadn't left him, I would not be in the wonderful place I am now. Yes, I probably still would be a very well-respected businesswoman, but I wouldn't have experienced all the personal and artistic growth that has come in the last few years. The rift made me move to Toronto where opportunities are bottomless for artists of all stripes. Moving to Toronto brought me to my present position which allows--even requires--me to attend theatre, dance and music events--many loves of my life.
I only started painting again because it was good therapy for a broken heart. I really have to wonder if his cheating didn't propel me into a much better place.
Edited to add: Can you believe, as I was typing this, my XSO called. His ears must have been on fire!!!!
[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 1:26 PM, November 18th (Monday)]
Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!
"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks
Posts: 6858 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
Member # 14003
| Posted: 1:34 PM, November 18th (Monday)|
Was the separation/divorce for the best all along?
Absolutely. I'm in a much better place and much happier now than I ever was while married.
"Some of us don't see people how they are, but how we need them to be".....quote from Uncertainone
Posts: 13279 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Member # 32258
| Posted: 1:38 PM, November 18th (Monday)|
Absolutely worth it for me! Finally free of the burden that was a serial liar and free to do whatever I choose to do with my life again.
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014
Posts: 1438 | Registered: May 2011
Member # 29540
| Posted: 1:48 PM, November 18th (Monday)|
Yes, it was absolutely the best thing for me.
On the road to divorce.
Posts: 157 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: So.Cal.
Member # 10552
| Posted: 2:07 PM, November 18th (Monday)|
Absolutely the best thing... for me and the bunch. We've never once regretted it.
Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan
Posts: 15217 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Just a Cali girl
Member # 33882
| Posted: 2:10 PM, November 18th (Monday)|
As excruciatingly hard and painful as my whole ordeal was, I can see now that it is for the best that I am no longer married to that NPD person. I have a beautiful house, healthy children, good job, and FREEDOM to think, act, dress, believe, and live as I choose to. It's still not easy by any means, but I'm no longer the frog in the pot of boiling water.
him (NPD Ex)
"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."
Posts: 2432 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Member # 35619
| Posted: 2:14 PM, November 18th (Monday)|
Oh no doubt the D was best for me. My xww was/is a mess on so many levels beyond the A''s.
p.s. Thankfully my step-daughter''s father and his new wife are truly good people.
D final 8/2012
Posts: 3307 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Member # 34373
| Posted: 3:04 PM, November 18th (Monday)|
I would have to say yes. I would never have gone on to do many of the things I have done nor dealt with my co dependency issues. I would have continued to give up the dreams and aspirations for myself in order to further his. I wouldn't have found out so many interesting things about myself nor focused on them and truly explored who I am. I wouldn't have made the reconnectios with friends and family.
Me: 45 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 22, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 11
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"
Posts: 1424 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Member # 32554
| Posted: 5:15 PM, November 18th (Monday)|
The rift made me move to Toronto where opportunities are bottomless for artists of all stripes. Moving to Toronto brought me to my present position which allows--even requires--me to attend theatre, dance and music events--many loves of my life.
I'm thinking if I ever need to move, I should become an ex-pat and go to Toronto!
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
Posts: 8385 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 22860
| Posted: 5:22 PM, November 18th (Monday)|
was the best thing ever for me.
no regrets here
Me = FBS
Him = gone
things that happen in my life do not define who I am. I get to choose to be the best I can be, for me. cause I'm worth it.
Posts: 286 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: my happy place (most of the time)
Member # 22870
| Posted: 6:54 PM, November 18th (Monday)|
It was for the best for me. His life has not been good since we split.
I wish I could have found this happiness without going through the soul crushing infidelity and divorce.
You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright
Posts: 6757 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 3903
| Posted: 7:03 PM, November 18th (Monday)|
OMG Yes! Some days I wallow in regret but for the most part this is all for the best. Have to stop kicking myself for not taking the leap sooner.
FREEDOM to think, act, dress, believe, and live as I choose to. It's still not easy by any means, but I'm no longer the frog in the pot of boiling water.
Well said NMK!
After all this time I finally know that none of this was about me or some deficiency I brought to the marriage. He was the one with the problem.
Posts: 1403 | Registered: Mar 2004
Member # 37898
| Posted: 5:31 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)|
Thank you for this thread. I find myself rereading the responses every few days when I'm experiencing a dip in the roller coaster. Not that I have any regrets about divorcing. I had no choice if I wanted to save myself. But it is still necessary for me to know there lies happiness in my future. And this thread gives me that extra nudge.
Separated and divorcing
Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 37063
| Posted: 7:25 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)|
Lynn that is awesomw. I'm so glad you are in such a good place.
I'm not that far out and I still have many obstacles to overcome but still I can already say without a doubt in my mind it was most definitely the best thing! I would've had a miserable life with wxh and my son would've had an awful dad. Now my son has a chance at a good life without a constant negative and bad influence and who knows what else. He is flourishing and a happy busy little adventurer. I may not have everything figured out but I can breath again and that is awesome in and of itself. I have no doubt in my mind that wxh would've made my and son's life more and more miserable. I am glad to be free of him. I am just sad it happened like it did.
Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
Posts: 199 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 30346
| Posted: 7:38 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)|
I think, in the long run, it will be the best thing for me. I'm almost 3 years out now and I'm in a place I never thought I would be…graduate school, own a house, dating and pretty happy. I have never gotten used to "being alone", and that still sucks sometimes.
I've learned a ton about myself, and wouldn't trade that knowledge for anything. I am smart, independent, a great mom, a great friend, and can kick the crap out of anything I decide I want to do.
I know the holidays are hard for some people, but all I can remember is how terrible they were with ex, how poorly he treated me. He was miserable having to be home with his wife and kids, and it showed. My final d-day was Christmas Day, three years ago.
So, for me, a Christmas where I get to be happy, and create happy memories for my kids is priceless. I no longer have to walk on eggshells, or bend over backwards trying to make him happy, or pay attention to me. I can just enjoy Christmas now.
me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 40, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
Posts: 3438 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Member # 33606
| Posted: 12:23 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)|
I love the responses here.
I'm only 2.5 years from D-Day (and still not divorced) but YES, it was for the best.
I could list just a few reasons:
No more fear.
No more wondering why he's not home - and where he is.
No more wondering if Mr. SA is off doing something awful, and that the next knock on the door might be some crazy SA woman or the police telling me had had finally done something to get himself killed.
No more feeling completely scared of him.
Or wondering WHO he really was.
No more hiding my truth from my friends and family.
No more snooping, reading, and researching his problems.
No more spinning myself into an emotional frenzy trying to fix him!
No more focusing on HIM all the time.
I'm so thankful for my separation, and the friends and family who have supported me and my children. It's been so hard - he's made it so hard - but I've grown in so many ways, and when I'm not directly dealing with him or the Divorce from Hell, I am literally thankful for every new day without him in my house. It's like a gift.
Posts: 1381 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 31353
| Posted: 12:41 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)|
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.
My life is my own and so much better.
Posts: 164 | Registered: Feb 2011
Member # 38928
| Posted: 12:48 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)|
D was official only last month, but the M was over years ago. That made daily life stressful with XPOS, when he was home. I no longer have that daily stress, no longer have to play the "strategy" game that consumed me for the greater good, no longer have to spy, no longer have to walk on eggshells, etc. It is GREAT! He was a huge anchor and was literally sucking the life out of me. D is the best thing! I still face challenges, especially the debt problems he left me with, but I get to actually take steps to resolve them without constantly fighting an uphill battle with his constant spending. One of the biggest, yet remarkably insignificant, things is simply being able to come home at a normal time from work. I used to hide in my office until late in the evenings simply to avoid being around him at home. I am still, pleasantly, adjusting to that!
BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs, started 1994? - never stopped
Kids - 22, 20, 17
M Dissolved 2013!!!
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man, ~ Shakespeare
Posts: 773 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Member # 33606
| Posted: 2:18 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)|
One of the biggest, yet remarkably insignificant, things is simply being able to come home at a normal time from work. I used to hide in my office until late in the evenings simply to avoid being around him at home. I am still, pleasantly, adjusting to that!
I read this and thought YES. But in my case, I would wait around at work, waiting for him every night. He would mysteriously need to work later and later. Sometimes I would stand outside his office. All his colleagues would walk by me -- they would say that he had already gone home.
But the whole time he was holed up in his office, making SA phone calls.
I still shake my head at my denial - and the humiliation of it all.
Never again. My 2.5 year separation/divorce was all worth it for these sorts of moments alone.
[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 3:00 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]
Posts: 1381 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 35229
| Posted: 2:58 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)|
There's a line in a Rhianna song "Stay" - I don't much like the rest of it but this one line gave me an aha moment:
"Funny, you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving"
I should have left long before DD but it was a case of not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave. I'm loyal to a fault - I stick to my commitments. This worked against me in a toxic and emotionally abusive M. Like the proverbial frog boiled slowly it didn't happen overnight and I was a master rug sweeper long before I heard the term here. A part of my FOO was becoming invisible in times of stress/danger.
It is absolutely for the best. I wish it had happened before we had children. I wish it wasn't due to infidelity - I thought that mountain of salt in the wound kill me or turn me into stone.
I lost myself in that quagmire. Rediscovering myself has been one of the surprising delights out of this whole mess. There are diamonds to be found here.
I think anyone can appear healthy in a healthy situation - my long-dormant FOO toxic coping mechanisms kicked in once the situation became unhealthy.
“If things start happening, don't worry, don't stew, just go right along and you'll start happening too.” -Dr Seuss
Posts: 4124 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 37656
| Posted: 9:56 AM, November 21st (Thursday)|
Great topic and I appreciated reading all the wisdom here. It gives me so much hope.
I feel like I just came out of my haze a couple of months ago. Found out they have been engaged for months now and she's living in the house with him. Mediation was cancelled due to the mediator's emergency surgery and will happen sometime in the New Year. So, not divorced yet but it's in the works.
Finding out about the affair was devastating.
Starting to find out who I am, amazing.
I am just starting to appreciate the freedom I have now. I started to take some self-growth classes, pursue the interests that I have. Been out on a few hikes, went camping and started to meditate. I feel like I am giving birth to a new me, which is pretty amazing.
I get lonely at times, and with the one year anniversary of dday coming up this Monday, I've had a lot of memories of what it was like that day, how I felt and his complete lack of remorse. I don't live in a house of lies anymore.
I am beginning to know what I want and what I deserve now. He certainly did not deserve me!!!! I get that now! Starting to love myself. Feels really awesome!
Posts: 415 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Member # 37215
| Posted: 10:10 AM, November 21st (Thursday)|
Ohhhh hell yes. In another year, I know I will be able to say this with even more confidence!
Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
I FINALLY GOT A COURT DATE: 5/29/14!!
Posts: 1721 | Registered: Oct 2012
|Topic Posts: 22|| |