SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Headed to S
roarlouder
Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, November 18th (Monday)

It's my first post in this forum, but I think this is where we are headed. The affairs are enough to kill our M, but there's so much more. I know understand whst people mean when they say it wasnt the actual A that led to D. The issues thatbled to the As are what will cause our D, not the A itsekf.

We've been going to MC and him IC but he doesn't quite get it all yet... Wants to get I think, but isn't there. He's handled me being away poorly- no contact with OW, but drinking and not using the time wisely and constructively.

He only knows rug sweeping, so I know he's trying and this is hard, but I can't be the only one fully committed to his, my and our recovery. I have given this relationship everything I could offer for ten years... I can't wait any longer for him to get it. I can't take any more of " I am sorry, I am trying, I screwed up". I have no room left for it. I think part of him still thinks this will be fixed easy. I am worried about him making poor choices for himself. I can't, and won't, enable and sit by and let him.

I still don't think he's be honest about all the A. I didn't ask for names (other than the LTA abd an out if town ONS i fugured out who and he confirmed) because he said no one I know, no one he's in touch with. But I have no reason to believe that and every reason not too. I wonder how much else about him (non A-related) I don't know.

I am exhausted, scared, sad, and confused. I am tired of picking up the pieces and holding everything together. I wish I didn't love him so much. I wish I didn't want to help him. I wish I could fix him. While he's doing work, he's not all in. I can't be in at all if he's not all in.

I am lining up a place for when I am back from my work trip. He has an idea, but I don't think he believes I'll follow through.

How the hell do you get through this whole? How do you know the right decisions?

I told him today space is good and I don't think he's being real yet. I am done asking questions... If he decides to be real, maybe I will listen. It is just do hard to see someone you love making poor decisions and going down a bad path...but I can't control him.


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)

He only knows rug sweeping, so I know he's trying

If all he is doing is rugsweeping, he is not trying. That is straight from the Cheaters Handbook. It sounds, from what you wrote, that he regrets being caught but is not truly remorseful. Talk is cheap and actions speak volumes. Saying he is sorry is meaningless unless he is taking steps to truly change his behavior and repair the damage. You can't help him with that and it is all on him. Taking the steps you are planning may wake him up, but it may not. Plan for the worst case scenario to protect yourself. Talk to a lawyer to find out your rights in your state. Take half of all savings/checking and put in your own account. Gather all financial documents to take with you. Expect him to be nasty, though you may get lucky, and I hope you are.

Sorry you are here, but welcome. You will get some great advice so keep posting!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1118 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)

Sorry you are here. You are very smart and you sound strong in your words. Two people need to work on the marraige and he cheated so you need full disclosure, full remorse, he needs to answer all ! Not rug sweep. It is great that you have the strength to see the difference . You deserve better. I do not know the details but I know nobody deserves that treatment. Both choices are hard but you have to take that next step ! If there is a chance ,you will force his hand , if not then you will save yourself some long term pain. Only you know when the right time is. I wish you well . Since you can't control him , you need to focus on what you can control , you ! Keep up the good work and keep posting.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 648 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Topic Posts: 3