User Topic: t/j owning a success
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)

Will get by posted this on pass's thread:

As a single person I don't stand in anyone's shadow anymore.

I know that is true of me as I've healed from the betrayal and infidelity. I used to hide and let ex-shat shine. I used to downplay my skills and talents so that he could feel good about his.

Man, I do not do that anymore. I put myself out there and it feels great.

I'm also a hell of a lot more blunt now...which I probably could tone down a bit...but I find that I just don't give a shit at the moment. After all those years of sugar coating stuff to ex-shat and walking on egg shells I have zero problem telling it like it is.

Anyone else had this swing post D-day?

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4693 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)

I definitely engage in self-promotion & positive self-talk now, whereas before I didn't. It feels good!

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9852 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)

I absolutely diluted myself during that M - subconsciously dumbed myself down. He is as deep as a puddle of mud so I sought my deep and meaningful conversations elsewhere. His BFF knows more about my thoughts, feelings, childhood and life experience than he ever did. He'd visit a few times a year and we'd talk half the night - the sad clown sitting there interjecting with sports talk or inane banter. I still consider this BFF the brother I never had.

So strange that I was happy to substitute - a part of my FOO is adapting no matter what, no matter how fucked up.

'We' were firmly focused in his career. We discussed it at length. He was studying for our entire 9.5y relationship.

I stop back and shone all the light on to him. That's what support is about, right? I would reap the rewards of my investment and sacrifices, right?

I still want to kick myself sometimes but I do think a healthy partnership does have elements of this - the crucial difference being its not always the same person in the limelight. It is give and take.

The 'me' in it is giving more than I gave to myself. I do hope to help another shine again one day but never again will I give another more than I give myself.

I've always been bolshy/blunt - it is something I have rediscovered. I like it.

I think you're awesome - I much prefer to know what someone thinks, perpetually OTT polite, amenable people give me the creeps. The world would be a far less confusing place if everyone said what they meant and meant what they said.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5618 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)

Wow yes!!! I always felt second best. Now I get to feel good about myself again!

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller

Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)

That was our dynamic. FWS had to shine or everything fell apart. His cheating started the same time I was in a more important job then he was.

And I was happy to step back from the limelight to let him shine. It made me happy for him to have the spotlight because it made him happy.

Now that he's gone I've started spreading my wings. My friends all comment on how I'm coming into my own now and how proud they are of me.

I do know I can never go back to the shadows again.


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6585 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)

It's sad, isn't it. For the sake of the marriage and its dynamics and slowly over time, I certainly minimized my intelligence and potential. I take ownership of that. I recognize that it was part of my codependency problem.

Putting myself out there and graciously receiving positive feedback and compliments are still tricky for me but I'm getting better. It feels so good to be me!

Let's continue moving forward with our bad ass selves!!

Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2284 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)

Hell yeah!

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17589 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)

I found my bitch again after she hid for 30 yrs from me. I could have really used her during a few of those years too !
A few times I had to reign her in because ...well she's a bitch.

It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20384 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)

I don't know if I've reached that swing yet. I'm starting to see clearly just how much of past successes have been "me" and not "we" thanks to family, friends and the state of Ex's life now that I'm not in it "controlling" him by doing everything that he refused to do, but I still find it hard to accept that fully.

Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)

Still working on that one! IRL, the facade is pretty balls out, the reality is totally different, if that makes sense. Sorta blow back, as XH would not approve of how I currently look. The look doesn't equal the internal, at all. Quite a disproportionate thing, actually. The nature of my job is very extroverted, dealing w/the public. The reality, no, no, no. But it is easy to hide behind a persona, for work.

I've always been bolshy/blunt

SBB, what does bolshy mean?

Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 767 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)

SBB, what does bolshy mean?

I use it meaning as ballsy, fearless but when I looked it up it said this. This is sort of true too on a bad day. But I'm mostly charming about it....
(of a person or attitude) deliberately combative or uncooperative.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5618 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)


Ex is an extrovert, I'm an introvert. He wanted to shine, and I was happy to be the dutiful wife, behind the scenes supporting him.

I remember getting some great artistic recognition, and ex didn't even acknowledge it. Or, he would only comment on it around other people…you know….to make himself look better, "See what a talented wife I have??" He wouldn't say, "Cmego…you are so talented." It used to really confuse me, but it all came crystal clear later.

Now, I go for what I want to do. I don't hide my talents, I toot my own damn horn, I am waaaay smarter than I knew I was…and I am much more cut and dry with people who hurt me. I don't give second chances any longer

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)

I remember getting some great artistic recognition, and ex didn't even acknowledge it.

cmego, The Princess took this one step further: She regularly told me that if she ever cared to put forth the effort to learn how to play an instrument, she would be a much better musician than I am.

Then when I was acknowledged as being the best programmer in the country in the software I use, she said the same thing about that. "I could be a much better programmer than you if I wanted to be."

It must be such a burden to have all that boundless talent.

[This message edited by pass at 9:52 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous

Posts: 2139 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)

I'm not quite there yet. Wow, I used to downplay myself and step aside for the Ex, too. I wasn't even conscious of it until reading this post (brought a rush of memories and feelings).

It's weird, I always felt like he was competing with me. Like K94ever, his A started right after I got a huge bump in my career.

It's encouraging to read that there will be a swing and someday I might actually be proud of myself and my accomplishments.

There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 413 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)

I can relate with a lot of these posts.

Like Pass, X used to say all the time that he was smarter than me so I should just let him make the decisions.

I used to correct his emails before he sent them to his boss. English is not his first language. I never used slang or coloquialisms with him. Although he would get mad if I corrected his grammar when speaking.

I used to keep to myself at work thinking he wouldn't like it.

Now I speak up at meetings. I use large words with him that I know that he doesn't know.
I am a different person now. I see the real me re-emerging from the lump that I had become.

Oh yes, I can relate. He was an emotionally abusive vampire and he was sucking the life out of me.

BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1438 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Member # 33857
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)


I am in Sales and my results keep getting better and better. I tell it like it is more and more and customers appreciate my honesty and bluntness.

Some of it comes from age, but most of it comes from going through the infidelity to divorce to new beginning cycle that we have gone through..

Divorced by Interlocutory decree in May 2012. WW had an affair with a 66 yo doctor she worked for.
D-Day Sept 16. 2011.
BH- 52 (Me) / XWW 50 - ages back in 2011
Two great kids that don't deserve this!

Posts: 727 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: USA
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)

Pass, ex-shat did a similar thing to me as well. He would always talk about how if he had the same educational opportunities as I had he would have been able to get into harvard. Or how he could be a faster runner than me if he didn't have to work all the time and actually have the free time to train like I could. Or how he could be a better writer than me if he had time to waste like I did. (You know, cause I was a SAHM and all I did was sit around and eat chocolate bon-bons.) If he ever gave me a compliment on being successful or doing something well, it always revolved around something I did for HIM.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4693 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)

tesla, I wish I had been a SAHM. I love bon-bons!

Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous

Posts: 2139 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 18