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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Tough Day At Court
Must Survive
Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)

Today was the day I had to go back regarding cs/ss modification due to STBXH loss of job.

It did not go well for me emotionally. Financially ok.

The judge I normally have was gone, so we got sent to a different judge. Same as before, no time, go figure it out. I told the judge that we didn't come to agreement last time, we wouldn't this time either.

Go out to "confer" with other lawyer. She repeatedly says that it is just one month, of course they also want to add costs of travel etc. Anyway I say no. She asks me to stop yelling, and I say I have raised my voice because you are deaf and can't hear anything. She says she can hear me, she has a hearing aid.

She then goes back to STBXH and begins to say loudly how could he be married to me. Was it like this the whole time. No negotiation at all! He said oh yea, all he did was work all the time. Then he yells that I should get a job! AND how much longer before the divorce papers will be done. I proceeded to walk over to them and say that I was not going to listen to all the bad mouthing of me and that I would be leaving.

We are the last people in the court, after noon. Everyone is pissy because they like to get out at noon. The judge was "impressed and gave kudos" to STBXH for getting a job within a month.
When I tried telling the judge all the side jobs STBXH probably did during the time he was unemployed, she did not care. (I had proof from Craigslist he was advertising). She said he could pay a lesser amount for the one month, but then we had to prorate everything exactly (my request) because I do not trust STBXH to pay what is owed.

When judge asked about the time spent between father/mother and son, I explained I had him 100% of the time, even though his lawyer keeps putting down 95% with 5% to STBXH. When I explain this, his lawyer proceeds to say how I have alienated his son, how STBXH would like to spend more time with him, but DS is attached to me. yada yada yada. The judge was already not happy with me so I just kept my mouth shut. But it hurt. I am not alienating my son, his father did that by what he has done.

In the end, $ is the same except for the 1 month. STBXH does not get to reduce it because he now rents a room in a different location for the week. (when we were married he worked in the same town and would come home every day).

Also another lawyer stepped in and helped STBXH's lawyer. I made a snide comment (shouldn't have) that I didn't realize we now had do-counsel. I did give that lawyer a lot of dirty looks. I am sitting there with no lawyer and STBXH has 2!!!!!

After the proceedings I said to STBXH I would like to sit down with him now and figure out exactly when I was going to get $. He said yes, then he said no, then he said yes. His lawyer wanted to sit in also. I said that I wanted to talk directly to STBXH and for her to keep her mouth shut because of her bad mouthing me as a wife. Lawyer left and I have dates/$ when I will receive everything.

So I am still ok financially, but my feelings got hurt badly. For 2 years I have kept my mouth shut and never said the pain/hurt/anger/hell I feel. Everyone else gets to say how horrible I am, but I just have to keep my mouth shut.

STBXH does not like to be alone. And he is back where he grew up. So I wonder if he is going out every night and just how long before he starts fooling around on OW#3. He also said OW#3 is not working right now. Wonder if that is the truth?

Today proved I am not healed, still very raw. And that one of my biggest hopes is that STBXH and OW#3 are not happy. I truly have hate in my heart for people that should not matter to me at all.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 717 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)

You truly need an attorney to look out for your interests.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3546 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
betrayedfriend
Member
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)

I second getting an attorney, I'm also going to give you two two by fours, one gentle, one not so much first the gentle one, you need to take the emotion out of dealing with him, it looks BETTER for him if you come off emotionally charged and volatile.

Now for not gentle. His lawyer is deaf, she has a hearing aid, do not under any circumstances raise your voice. It's aggressive and insulting. My sister is deaf when people raise their voices or distort their mouths it makes them harder to understand. Please realize that deaf culture is different than hearing culture, being blunt is common ,pansy footing around a topic is not.now that being said, yes what she said was rude, but so were you.

His lawyer is his, she's not there to make reasonable offers to you, her clients best interests is her concern. If she makes you think emotionally rather than logically, he wins.


I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 865 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
Must Survive
Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)

I have a settlement agreement (literally 2.5 weeks before STBXH lost his job. It just needs to be filed/formalized with the courts. My lawyer I had did not look out for my interest at all during the settlement and was fired as soon as it was completed. I have no money for another retainer. In the state I am in, there is a set formula and it is what it is. No reason to pay some lawyer $300/hour to do the same thing I just did. The $ would not have been any different. I had 3 lawyers that were willing to charge me $300/hour to go and sit and tell the judge that I couldn't attend the hearing due to my surgery. Thats after they get a retainer for $1,500 to $2,000.

BF, I knew exactly what his lawyer was doing, and removed myself from having to hear her. AT NO Time did I become "volatile" in front of the judge. I do however resent the fact that the lawyer requested another lawyer to stay and help her. To me that smacks of illegal representation. I am notified of 1 lawyer, now there is an additional one, from another firm.

His lawyer uses her "hearing" problems as needed. In court she continually asks the judge to repeat or answers a wrong question. She repeated to me at least 3 times it was just one month. At every time I repeated no I did not agree to what they were proposing. And yes I did raise my voice because she kept repeating the same thing, receiving the same answer from me. To my mind she could not hear what I was saying and I raised my voice. Maybe she was just trying to bully me into changing my mind, who knows? Believe me, if I had yelled, the whole building would have known what I was saying.

While I may have been aggressive to her (I believe I just stood my ground on what she repeatedly kept proposing) it was in response to her aggressive attitude towards me. She plays the "poor me" I won't be able to do this for my client, or my client has such a hard life, he has to travel, blah blah blah. That is all nothing but posturing and I will not put up with it from some lawyer. Whether she can hear, can see (I interviewed a blind lawyer) or some other disability. They are in a profession that they better be able to take the emotions, or they should get out.

And "sidebar" I spent 2 summers in my late teen years teaching private swimming lessons to deaf children.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 717 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
betrayedfriend
Member
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)

Fair enough, you were there, I wasn't. I reacted based on how you relayed the situation. I have spent my whole life educating people on the differences in culture and why certain "instinctive" behaviors are offensive rather than helpful. I was raised in a family that excluded or couldn't be bothered to do those things for my sister so I took it upon myself to make sure she's included.

Anyway, I'm glad you were able to save some money, hopefully him blowing everything on a lawyer (or two in this case) will be noted and not play out well for him in the future.

I hope your surgery recovery is going well and you are starting to feel better.


I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 865 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, November 21st (Thursday)

I am sad for you Must Survive. That is a fucking tough bitter pill to swallow and I am so sorry. Please be gentle on yourself and regroup and continue moving forward. My heart ached while I read your post.

As a BS with an irresponsible, no consequences, no remorse, no one holding him accountable for his actions kind of douche, I am hoping that at least the judge will be able to set him straight. You may have had the same hope? So to have this happen is like another slap in the face. I can't even imagine the hurt.

Hugs hugs hugs and one more BIG HUG!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Oct 2012
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:15 AM, November 21st (Thursday)

D and all the legalities that go along with it is somewhat like learning a new game. In the beginning you kind of suck at it, but the more your exposed to it the better you become. Learn from these experiences and the next time you will do better. Seems to me that in the end you did well. You got exactly what you were asking for. Don't take it to heart that people can be assholes because they are trying to win themselves. This is a business process, nothing more. Try and keep your emotions in check and keep your eye on the prize. Simpler said than done. But once its all over you will actually laugh at some of the stupid assed shit that has happened. Hang in there kid !!!


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5607 | Registered: Nov 2007
Topic Posts: 7