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New Beginnings
User Topic: The Birthday Dreads
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)

It's tomorrow. My sister usually helps me get through these, she understands. I often celebrate hers with her. But her XH just had surgery. I'll be w SO tonight, and breakfast with him and my mom in the morning, the afternoon I have no plans. No other friends to hang with. Thought of getting some bodywork but I can't think of a good practitioner in my area for a Sunday. Don't want to see a movie.

I think I will end up at home alone. I am usually ok alone, but I feel kind of sensitive and vulnerable these days, prone to feeling unloved, which is like a childhood trigger. My so is taking me out to dinner tonight and he has a gift so obviously he cares. Still, I am afraid of getting depressed tomorrow. Just wish it was not my birthday at all. I hate that I am dreading my special day.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 3:40 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5857 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)

(((Inner)))) Happy Birthday!

Do something special for yourself. Shopping? Long bath with a glass of wine??

I gathered up my kids, nieces and nephews and took them all to the movies for my last birthday. It made it fun :)


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
soveryweary
Member
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)

Hugs to you.


Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 627 | Registered: May 2011
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)

(((Inner Light))) I get it. I'm not horribly fond of birthdays either. But you are loved, you know?

Your SO is taking you out and put the effort into getting you a gift, you know he cares.... You will be with your mom in the morning.

So, you can try to distract yourself, or you can take a day to wallow. It's okay to wallow once in a while. Since it is going to be your birthday and you already know you are going to have difficulty with it.....read a favorite book. Put on a sad movie and cry. Make your favorite dessert. Go shopping and buy yourself something special because you are a wonderful person, you give wonderful, caring advice here, and you deserve it.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15289 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)

What is it about birthdays you dread IL?

I'm so used to spending mine alone now that I actually like it. I give myself permission to do anything I like, or nothing at all, and I spend time remembering my mom who has been gone three years now.

I have no SO and no mom anymore, so I hope you can find a way to consider yourself very blessed in that department.

It's just another day.

(((IL)))


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17493 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)

What is it about birthdays you dread IL?

It's a time when my weakest, wound-iest (if that's a word) place is this feeling of bereft abandoned feeling like why bother to be alive from my childhood. Inner child stuff I suppose.

I tried explaining it to my SO and I don't think he really understood. He needs Sunday afternoon to himself to get himself together for the week. I understand that so even though he would come and stay overnight with me Sunday night if I asked, I don't think he really wants to. Knowing he doesn't really wants to is a bit triggery but I don't want to lay this trip on him. He is a caring person, my feelings are from so long ago, when I am like this I can see any inadvertant remark or action as I am unloved and therefore have no place on the planet.

I need to do some EFT (tapping on acupressure points while saying affirmations) to clear these old feelings before I meet SO in an hour. But I feel too self conscious since I'm sitting in a cafe.

I gathered up my kids, nieces and nephews and took them all to the movies for my last birthday. It made it fun :)

That sounds great. I've been wracking my mind for a way to socialize since I have no kids or nieces or nephews, and it seems I have very few friends. I've made some good ones over the years but 3 of them have moved away in the last year.

I have no SO and no mom anymore, so I hope you can find a way to consider yourself very blessed in that department.

I am truly blessed. This is a good SO and a good Mom. I am certainly not being rational!

you are a wonderful person, you give wonderful, caring advice here,

NA, thank you so much for the positive affirmation. I so appreciate hearing good words about myself when I am like this.

This too shall pass... Thank you for listening. I feel less alone just typing here.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5857 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, November 24th (Sunday)

Yep, totally get it. I remember only ONE birthday party during my childhood. I never really got to have them. I can totally get where you're coming from. Mine was never important enough to be acknowledged. Hugs to you, Sweetie. Be nice to yourself on your special day. Please.


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jun 2007
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, November 24th (Sunday)

Feeling better. Thanks for the support. I had a nice dinner w sO. I felt so bad earlier I almost cancelled on him, but I'm glad I didn't. Mother, so and I had breakfast then I bought gluten free cupcakes for after.

Now I'm home and resting quietly alone for the rest of my bd. I'm streaming / practically binge viewing the killing, season 2. And restraining myself from eating any more cupcakes and drowning in sugar.

I was afraid I'd get to this part and being alone would trigger me, but I just feel like holing up like a bear in a cave. I'm ok.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5857 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, November 24th (Sunday)

Every time I see this thread title I picture a birthday cake with Bob Marley dread locks...

(((IL)))) Happy Bob Marley day... I mean birthday.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, November 24th (Sunday)

Happy Birthday IL, glad you made it through and you're okay. You're quite valued around here so I hope you know we all wish you a positive and happy day. ((Hugs))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, November 24th (Sunday)

(((InnerLight)))

Posts: 35870 | Registered: Mar 2011
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, November 24th (Sunday)

Every time I see this thread title I picture a birthday cake with Bob Marley dread locks...

Ha ha! made me smile.

I've been 6 hours home alone and I've had one total meltdown from that triggery lonely place I was afraid to reach. I felt pretty bad but picked myself up. It's 7pm. Soon I'll take some melatonin and go to sleep and then won't wake up til past midnight at and at least it won't be my birthday any more. What a relief.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5857 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Topic Posts: 12