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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Relief vs Devastation
ichoosejoy
New Member
Member # 41329
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)

Well my WH just left my house after signing all the papers. This is not what I wanted. But the TT has been unbearable. I cannot believe the man I married. I guess I never knew him. I will never know how many women there have been, for how long he has been doing this, what else he has done behind my back. The only thing I know is he is a pathological liar. Finally admitted to it. I KNOW I need to get away from him and while I am so relieved to be able to go file these stupid papers, it doesn't make it any less devastating. I am so ready to move on with my life and be a better person, someone he will always regret f***ing over, but I am still so sad at what my life has become. How did it get here? How are some people so deceptive!? My counselor said he had never met ANYONE in his career as talented at lying as my WH.
I just don't understand if there were A's before we were even engaged WHY did he ask? Why did we get married? Why any of this?!? Anyone here ever wish that your life just never happened? All the happy memories I thought I could hold on to have been ripped away by all the TT. There is nothing left.

I am just blabbering now, but that is how I feel. So confused, so many emotions, can't keep track, can't keep stable, ready to move on but mourning what I had. Well, what I thought I had


Me: BS
Him: WS
D-day: 10/26/13
High school sweethearts
Never thought he was capable of what he has done. Now nothing surprises me...

Posts: 8 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington
Trying2Survive1
Member
Member # 40022
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)

{{{{{Huggs}}}}}

Thoughts and prayers are with you.


Madhatters, M 31 yrs
FWW/BS 57-BS/FWH 56
Separated 5 mos in 07.His DDay,11/07.False R since 07. My DDay,7/5/13."Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”
― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)

((Ichoosejoy)) if you read my posts a year ago they were saying much the same thing.

I'm mourning the man I thought I married even though he never existed. I'm still dripping with regret about choosing so poorly for my girls. The fraud was played for so long and so convincingly that I continued I gaslight myself for many years beyond him bothering to keep up the act.

He begged me to have children - he knew I was terrified of beings single mum. He swore on our then not yet conceived children's heads that he would never do that to me. He again swore on my first child's head when she was a year old and I asked him if he was cheating.

I'll never understand why or how they could do this but I will say right now that it won't always hurt this much. I promise. I now see his complete lack of remorse as a gift, it forced my hand long before I had the strength or courage to free myself.

Please know you are not alone. Keep reading, keep posting. Be gentle with yourself.

[This message edited by SBB at 2:40 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5608 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
allatsea
Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)

SBB

I now see his complete lack of remorse as a gift, it forced my hand long before I had the strength or courage to free myself.

I love this quote. Can I use it, please?
It is so true


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 716 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

OH, I LOVE THAT QUOTE TOO!

My therapist told me the same thing, "Be happy you are getting away from this person who is in such a deep, dark hole. You are at such a higher level, he could never get there with you. You deserve so much better."

It is true. Some people are good at being liers and convincing themselves and others that they are decent humans. Good people,like you or me, they think the best of people they love...and aren't capable of what these F**kers are capable of, so it isn't conceivable.

He probably wanted to be the man you thought he was....and failed.

So sorry, I feel exactly the same way. I am in a world of shit now due to my choices in a mate and father of my children. I keep wondering what I did to deserve this or how I could have not seen the signs earlier. My therapist said it wasn't anything I did. Strong women, good people, they see the best in others and they fill in the blanks for the weaker person because they have so much more to give. It is not bad to be good!

Some days I feel so damn bad my heart hurts, but today I actually feel good despite how terrible my situation is at the moment because my happiness comes from within...I did nothing wrong and karma is going to take care of this crap!


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

I love this quote. Can I use it, please?

Of course! I stole it from here.

He probably wanted to be the man you thought he was....and failed.

He was the closest he's ever going to get to the man we both hoped he would be during those first few years of our M. I chose to focus on his potential, not on who he was. Like the line in the Karen Manning book:

“And there my dear Fio, you make one of Womankind's greatest mistakes: falling in love with a man's potential. We so rarely share the same view of it, and even more rarely care to achieve it. Stop pining for the man you think I could be - and take a good, long, hard look at the one I am.”

Strong women, good people, they see the best in others and they fill in the blanks for the weaker person because they have so much more to give. It is not bad to be good!

Amen, sister. Amen.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5608 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ichoosejoy
New Member
Member # 41329
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

He just had everyone in his life fooled. At least I can rest in the fact that I wasn't stupid and blind. He was perfect. Everyone thought he was perfect. I want to run across the universe with a megaphone yelling to everyone who he really is. He does not only get away with everything he does, he comes out on top. He still has his job where he makes twice as much as me and his bills that are half as much as mine. He has his little 19yr old f*** buddy (cuz that's all she is to him, disgusting). He has all his friends that just pretend he hasn't done anything. AND he has modelin offers now in CA. What!?!? He is happier with his body than he has ever been. It's so gross!! Meanwhile I have my job where I make half as much, my bills that are twice as much, no one to love me or to be physical with, I got in a car accident, then fell and busted my knee, then got a concussion, then got a UTI... In a week!!! Whyyyyyyy????

God, Karma, the Universe, whoever is going to punish this man needs to pick up the f***ing pace!


Me: BS
Him: WS
D-day: 10/26/13
High school sweethearts
Never thought he was capable of what he has done. Now nothing surprises me...

Posts: 8 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

ic, give it time.

I could have written every single word of your post. Every word. I feel conned, used, manipulated and the word betrayed doesn't even come close.

My hearing is tomorrow. Right now I just want out. I think I married someone so dark and twisted I can't wrap my head around it - and I thought he was this great guy, soulmate, honorable person, all round catch.

How wrong was I? As wrong as it is possible to be.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
gardens64
Member
Member # 38449
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

Hugs. It is an awful awful feeling.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

I used to see stories in the news about a wife who finds out some shocking secret about her husband. She'd tearfully claim she didn't know WTF was going on, he'd hid it from her, yadda yadda yadda.

Honestly, I always looked down on those women. Come on, what kind of idiot wouldn't know THAT about her husband? Certainly I was superior to her in intelligence, acuity, and a savvy ability to not be made a fool of.

And then my world came crashing down & I realized that I was one of those women.

I had been fooled. In many instances I was complicit in the deception because something was off, or maybe I knew the truth but he was gaslighting so strong I fell into deliberate stupor. In other areas, OMG, the level of deception was truly frightening.

Oh, I'll never know the whole story. The thought that there's more I don't know makes me sick to my stomach.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9815 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

I feel your pain and I know it well. We will be in a better place soon and be reflecting on these moments as gifts sbb said it best , the decision's are hard at these times but no remorse definatly forces our hand and allows us to go through the process faster I think. Maybe even less pain in the long run. I like to think it is like ripping the band aid off your skin fast ! As opposed to slow. You will be fine , focus on yourself and the things you can control. Success is the best revenge. All the best to you. Keep posting


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 676 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)

Yep me too. My husband was "perfect". Bought me flowers all time, told me he loved me every day, rubbed my back at night, had a great sex life. All our friends would say what a great match we were. He likes to fancy himself this fine, proud military vet, when in reality, he's a shark waiting to bite into the next piece of flesh.

He cheated on me when things were GOOD. I can't imagine what he's capable of if they were bad. I don't even want to know. I'll be filing for divorce this January. I don't want to know anything else about him.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
erzulie
Member
Member # 3293
Concerned  Posted: 3:35 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)

Wow - this thread has been inspiring for me.

Why inspiring? Because I realize my story is not so unique after all.

Gifted liar. Multiple affairs. Cheated when things were good (things were always good). Painted himself the highly ethical person - military vet, strong moral compass, the works.

I, too, will never know the true depths of depravity his affairs cascaded into ... how many women, how often, etc. etc.

Here is the good news, folks. These people that we were married to have to live with themselves. We, however, do not. We have the gift of truth and the freedom it is wrapped in.

This season, I am choosing to focus on being thankful for that. I hope you all can find a way to do that, too.

((((group hug))))


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
ichoosejoy
New Member
Member # 41329
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

Well it is another one of those devastating days. I feel no relief today, only sadness. I feel like all I can say to people sometimes is "I'm so sad" but sad does not hold enough weight to describe the feeling.

I have a friend who works out at the gym he works at and she gives him hell for how fugly the girl is he cheated with, cuz she's nasty and looks like a child (well she is 19). But anyway, she tells him how ugly she is and how if he really needed to cheat it could have at least been someone hot with a good body and blah blah blah. And he cracks up... He LAUGHS about how the girl he cheated with is fugly and doesn't even stick up for her. That is disgusting!! On the one hand it makes me so happy to not be with him becuase I would never want someone to be talking about me like that behind my back but then f***ing me whenever he wants, but on the other hand it makes me so sad because he is treating the whole thing like a joke. This is not a joke!!! I was (and still technically am) his wife and he cheated (and still technically is)!

And he told her he likes what he is doing because he can just be with her when he wants and not when he doesn't want. There is no commitment, but he still doesn't have to feel lonely and gets sex whenever HE wants it... It is so hurtful to know he is saying he likes this. He is just so much happier since leaving me. I'm sorry, was my loving him everyday so horrible for him?! How could she possibly make him happier?! I mean I know he is a compulsive liar and he could definitely be miserable and putting on a show. That's what I'd like to believe, but I just don't know.

I want everyone to just stop telling me anything about him. I need to start living life without him and everything I find out just hurts more, but somehow it always ends up making me miss him more. UGH basically I'm a mess!


Me: BS
Him: WS
D-day: 10/26/13
High school sweethearts
Never thought he was capable of what he has done. Now nothing surprises me...

Posts: 8 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington
erzulie
Member
Member # 3293
Exclaimation  Posted: 5:31 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

This is what I tell myself - and it helps immensely.

If I met WH today - and knew everything about him that I now know - would I be attracted to him in the slightest? Give him the time of day, any of my energy, much less any portion of my heart?

Easy answer. HELL NO. I would run for the hills and not look back.

When people show you who they really are ... believe them.

This man is not worth your time, your energy, and certainly not one fraction of your heart.

So sayeth me.


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

Relief vs Devastation: I hear you. I can turn on a dime from feeling one of those to feeling the other. Hell, I can feel them both at the same time. I'm that good!

But as the months slide by, Devastation starts to noticeably make fewer and fewer appearances.

We'll all get there eventually. Even you!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 16