User Topic: wee update - D and karma bus
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)

Been a while since I posted, but here is a wee update on my sitch. I hope that it may offer some encouragement.

Been S from WW for more than two years now. In that time my relationship with my kids has deepened and strengthened beyond all expectation, I have negotiated a financial settlement (legal S) in which I retained the family home, I have been promoted at work to MD of my company and have met a lovely woman. Life is busy busy busy, but its good. I have been away on holiday three times in the last year and had numerous weekend trips to stay with friends. Last weekend I had a party for visiting friends and my house was packed with good people all enjoying themselves.

For so long I never dared to think I might get here. Things just felt so desperate for such a long time. I'm not special. But there is life after infidelity.

Meanwhile WW and I have actually been rubbing along OK and communicating pretty well when it comes to the kids. On the whole, it works really.

Now its time to finalise matters and she has been served the D papers, which I can do unopposed now as we have been S for two years. She is predictably all over the place.

Her ongoing relationship with scumbag OM seems to be floudering, and she is struggling with her working situation and with her financial situation. This is despite me paying more than legally required and her having a substantial lump sum in her bank account from her share of the marital home and MY pension.

So, here I am now - moving ahead with a new life and tying up the loose ends of a past life. At the same time I am witnessing the disintegration of WW's false dreams of a happy ever after with OM and watching everything that she was told (and ignored) three years ago now come to pass. Karma bus - maybe, although I'm not a big believer in that.

I don't feel ANY satisfaction in this though. I feel sorry for her that she has got herself into this mess. I can't and won't fix it, but I feel pity for her. There would have been a time that I would have taken some joy from her struggle, as some kind of revenge or sense of justice being served, but that anger has left me. She is the mother of my children and to see her fall is no pleasure.

However, the fact that I can feel this way feels healthy. It feels like I have truly moved on - almost three years from dday.

Three years.

When I joined SI in a huge mess of pain and confusion, everyone said 2-5 years is the normal recovery time. I couldn't even imagine that. It seemed so long and so far away and I was so desperate to feel better. There are no short cuts though, and the only way is through. Time heals but you must use that time and engage with it all - with the anger, pain, hurt, confusion and fear. Engage with it and don't shy away from the truth - ever. It will be one of the hardest things you ever do - certainly was for me - but it can bring real growth.

So for all those out there still struggling to see light, you WILL get there. I didn't think I would or could, but I have and as I said I am not special. I have no magic bullet or special secret. Time and hard work is all. but you CAN and WILL do it.

Now, wish me D luck that WW won't cause any bullshit at this late stage.

Good luck to everyone and thank you so much to all that helped me on my journey - the support and advice was invaluable and SI was absolutely crucial to my healing.


Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)

Thank you for this post brother , I wish you all the luck in the world but it sounds like you will be fine. 8 months for me and I still have days of pain but I am glad to hear there is light at the end of this tunnel. Thanks again

"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 678 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)

I love this. Almost 2 years out for me and I can't believe the place I was in a year ago. It feels like a lifetime ago.

I don't feel ANY satisfaction in this though. I feel sorry for her that she has got herself into this mess. I can't and won't fix it, but I feel pity for her. There would have been a time that I would have taken some joy from her struggle, as some kind of revenge or sense of justice being served, but that anger has left me. She is the mother of my children and to see her fall is no pleasure.

I'm almost there myself - I still enjoy the funny karma but the more serious stuff makes me feel pity.

The thing is this is how they roll. They are willing to take the horrific lows for just a little bit of a false high. I did it too for a time when I went on a crazy rampage after DD. All it did was leave me feeling empty. It is so infinitely sad, IMO.

Yes, they made their bed so they can lie in it but it just doesn't need to be this way. The work is hard. I don't know if I would have started it had I not hit rock bottom against my will. I'll never be grateful for this experience but I will forever be grateful for the raging fires it lit inside of me illuminating all of the things I need to work on.

Thank you for sharing this.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)

So glad to hear you''re doing well and enjoying life. I completely understand what you mean. My xww''s life is a complete mess but I really take no enjoyment in that. I would have preferred she got healthy and moved on if for no other reason than the sake of her daughter (my step-daughter). At the end of the day you can''t save someone from themselves though.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

You are a compassionate and kind person. You have grown and expanded your life, so happy for you. As for your X, I hope she learns from all of this and gets her act together for a better life.

BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time." Bionical girl

Posts: 2985 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

You guys are better people than I. I waste no energy on the thought of my wxh, but when he passes through my mind, I hope he dies a slow and painful death.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7761 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

Nice to see your post again, Velveteer, and I am very glad to know your divorce has finally arrived. I absolutely wish you smooth sailing through it and a continuation of your healing. Thanks so much for all of your support through my own experience. I've never forgotten your early assurances that if you can get through this, so can I.

I do however derive satisfaction at hearing of your STBX's unwraveling, even if you don't. I want to move past this stage to yours, but for now I am still here:

when he (she) passes through my mind, I hope he dies a slow and death.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 1626 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

I love your post! Thank you for posting this because it helps so much.

caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

What a great post.

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17488 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

Good on you, velveteer! Sending you swift and easy D mojo.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25714 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)

I needed to read this today. Been dipping low on the rollercoaster lately, and it's always a good thing to hear people who have come through the other side and are thriving.

Good for you.

me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."

Posts: 2601 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)

Thanks all. If this helps even one person here that is wading through the utter trauma that is infidelity then I am delighted. Good luck all and AD I may not post so much these days but I do keep an eye on your progress and you are doing great. Keep it up


Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
OK now
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Hope its not too late to chime in, but I have been following your trials and tribulations for some time now, and it would be remiss of me not to wish you the very best in your future career and relationships.

Why your wife couldn't see what a gem of a husband you were when she started her affair I can't imagine, but she will suffer for this oversight and the process seems to be well underway. Its pointless to gloat at such asinine stupidity, but I find it difficult to have much sympathy for a woman who brought you and the children so much pain. One day maybe, she will have the personal courage to apologize to you for her disrespect for both you and the marriage, followed by an admission that it was the worst mistake of her life.

Soon she will also have to face the judgement of her children. She imploded their lives and will eventually be held accountable.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Topic Posts: 13