SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
New Beginnings
User Topic: Proper etiquette.....to ask or not to ask xmas bonus?
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
What?  Posted: 12:48 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

So....last year I got a Christmas bonus....the Monday before Thanksgiving. I am an accountant and was able to see that we allotted for a bonus this year (a lump sum to be distributed to all employees) and texted a friend of mine in confidence and asked her if she knew or not if we would be getting one and she said yes, she got hers yesterday.

Here is thing.

I was out yesterday because my 15 month old daughter had a temperature of 104 and I had to take her to the doctor.

She is still not well today but I came into work anyways and caught up on my work from yesterday ASAP.

I haven't heard anything about the bonus today. No email from my boss saying to come to her office at a certain time (like she did last year) Nada. Zip. Zilch.

I'm a little concerned. I don't know if this means that A. *I* am not getting one B. My job is in jeopardy (of which I don't know why) or C. They just haven't gotten to our department yet (even though we got ours last year the Monday before Thanksgiving and my friend got hers yesterday....and they do this so that we have it before the Black Friday holiday shopping)

Is it rude to ask my boss if we are getting a bonus? Bad etiquette? Should I just wait it out til tomorrow? What would you all do? I desperately need the money....

The waiting game is about to kill me though...I've bitten my nails down to bloody nubs just about....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 12:50 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

You'll probably get a mixed response to this questions.

On the one hand, bonuses are compensation and asking what your compensation will be is a fair question. On the other hand, if there isn't clear language in your employment contract, and if management hasn't discussed qualifications for a bonus, you are in a tough spot. Keep in mind that bonuses may be based on profits and any bonus may vary from department to department, even job to job.

I think it is fair to ask about it, but be prepared to hear that you aren't getting one, and why. Asking now, or next week, probably won't change the outcome.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

I agree. I just didn't know if I should wait and not ask and see if she comes to me this week...or if I should just bite the bullet tonight before I leave and ask outright? Either way I would like to know because, I will be totally honest....that's how I do Christmas. I won't be able to afford it otherwise. So, if I'm not getting one, I would like to be prepared for knowing that...


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

If you received it in the past then it's okay to ask. Just ask if bonuses are being given out this year like they were in the past. They will either say yes or no but asking will alleviate your anixety. Depending on the answer you can follow up by asking was it a company wide decisions or was it per individual and performance based.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1905 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

I think since you are In accounting and you know the $ was allotted, I think you could ask. Did you ask her if you missed anything yesterday. More than likely she forgot because you were not there yesterday.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6587 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

Okay....if I don't hear anything I will ask before I leave....

Is it best to ask her in person you think?


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

Either way I would like to know because, I will be totally honest....that's how I do Christmas. I won't be able to afford it otherwise. So, if I'm not getting one, I would like to be prepared for knowing that...

^^ This is what is driving your feeling of desperation.

Bonuses, like pay checks, are compensation for work performed, not to necessarily meet the financial needs of the employee. You mention that if you aren't getting a bonus you would like to be prepared for knowing that. Maybe you would like to take advantage of Black Friday sales, if you knew you were getting a bonus, but, again, none of that is your employer's problem.

You're letting your desperation drive your behavior.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

Is it rude to ask my boss if we are getting a bonus?

IMO?

Yes. And incredibly unprofessional unless it is an EXPECTED part of your overall compensation package for the year.

Hold off until they tell you one way or the other.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21056 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

I guess its more that I consider it part of my income. We don't get raises.... we get bonuses.... and I got one last year. I would hope if I wasn't going to get one, that I would at least be told so.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

To me, it depends on the relationship you have with your boss. My former two bosses? I would have no issue asking if they were giving bonuses this year. My current boss? Nope, not so much. He's very nice and I like him and all but I've only been working for him for a couple months. I wouldn't feel comfortable with it.

So, do you have a good relationship with her? Is she aware of your financial circumstances? How does she seem to feel about it?

Or maybe... is there a coworker somewhere you'd feel comfortable asking about it?


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15403 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

That's the thing....I asked a co-worker down the hall and she said she got her bonus yesterday....but I was out with my sick child....

I have a fairly decent relationship with my boss. I like her a lot...but she is professional too when she needs to be. She knows I'm a single mom...so I'm sure she knows that its not easy.

UGH....I don't know what to do. I've been here going on 2 years...and I got a substantial bonus last year.... and it helped SO MUCH....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

I guess its more that I consider it part of my income.

But it isn't how you see it that is most important. If it isn't in hard print as being a part of your compensation, then it isn't. Does you employer consider it more of a gift, a token of appreciation?

My assistant gets a salary and a bonus that she knows how it is calculated and what she can expect. It is part of her contractual compensation. She gets a personal gift and a financial gift from me every year, but it is based on what I want to give. She might think of it as a bonus, but it isn't, and I would be offended if she asked about it in that context.

If she needed money and came to me to discuss her need to see if we could come up with a solution, that I would understand.

So how you consider this bonus isn't what is critical, here.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

Whether you decide to ask or not, I would not include why you need/want it or anything.

I have a boss that I could say, "doing some shopping on Friday, if we are getting a bonus, let me know so I shop accordingly!" She would laugh. We would both laugh, because there are no bonuses in our company.

AJ'smom is in HR, I would listen to her.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6587 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

Well, its actually called a bonus. I know that much. I don't know what to do. If I'm not getting one, that's fine, but it would be nice to know either way.

I guess I will just assume I'm not getting one. Is it bad that I feel guilty for staying home with my sick child because I would have been here and KNOWN if my coworkers got a bonus cause I sit near my bosses office and I would have seen them go in and out of her office and shutting the door. But, because I stayed home to take care of my child, I will never know.

I was excited about Christmas this year. Not so much now.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 1:58 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

Regardless of what it is called, the fact that you don't know if you're getting one, or how much it would be points to it being a token of appreciation.

If it is referred to as a Christmas bonus, that also points toward it being a "one-off" even if it has happened more than once.

I think AJ's advice is the best and that you should wait to see what unfolds.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

I've heard of people getting fired over asking about holiday bonus money. I would not ask.

If you are getting one, you will get it when your boss feels like giving it to you. If you aren't, well you'll know that too when a check doesn't come.

I know it is hard around this time of year. Don't do anything that could jeopardize your job.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3605 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

Why are you asking co-workers? It will only serve to make you look unprofessional.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29627 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

Why are you asking co-workers? It will only serve to make you look unprofessional.

I didn't just ask ANY coworker. I asked a friend of mine who works here via text AND I asked her if I could ask her a work-related personal question and told her that if she didn't feel comfortable answering that it was okay. She, of course, didn't mind. We hang out outside of work and go to each other's daughter's birthdays. I wouldn't just ask anyone. I asked a friend.

I don't plan on saying anything to my boss or anyone else. I'm just going to wait it out.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 2:59 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

Sending you Christmas bonus mojo!


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6587 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

Keep us posted! If it's direct deposited, check your bank account - maybe it slipped your boss's mind.....


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7697 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

Crossing my fingers for you Shelly!


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4563 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

Sending you Christmas bonus mojo!

Thank you so much guys....I need it! I'm just gonna be patient and hope for the best. Patience was never one of my best virtues...my daughter is teaching me the art of patience every day...I think I'm getting "a little" better at it...

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 3:19 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Eranda
Member
Member # 6010
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

Yes I think it's unacceptable to ask about it. Bonuses are given at the discretion of the company, they are basically a gift.

We also get substantial bonuses at Christmas, and one year it was getting awfully close to Christmas and no one had mentioned it. I wouldn't have dreamed of asking about it. In the end, it was a clerical error on the part of the office manager who didn't submit it to the payroll company on time. The owners let us all know that this was the case and that yes, we were getting a bonus. But I would NEVER have asked.


My Blog: http://allofthewaystohell.com/

Posts: 4227 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: eastern PA
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

I'm trying to be as gentle and kind as I can.

Given all of the money problems you've expressed here over the past year or so -- including contemplating bankruptcy, moving back in with your dad, having trouble affording race fees, etc., if you were to get a bonus, why would you spend it shopping instead of paying off debt or building up your emergency savings? Especially now while your child is so young and doesn't care at all about material things?


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3371 | Registered: Dec 2011
HeartStings
Member
Member # 38017
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)

^^^^^^^^
This...x 1000


Posts: 117 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New England
sadcat
Member
Member # 8637
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

Seriously? If Shelly gets a bonus- even if she is in debt- she can spend it any way she wants.

I have massive student loan debt. If I got a $1000 bonus would it go to that?

NO.

And here's why:
I live paycheck to paycheck. It is draining emotionally. Going out and seeing all the holiday "stuff" can actually make me feel horrible that I cannot even afford gifts for my loved ones. Or at least not more than a few dollars worth.

Living paycheck to paycheck is an emotional curse. You are happy on payday and the stress is lifted for a few hours. Then it comes crashing down. It is relentless.

So you make a plan and you stick to it, but when you get a bit extra you spend it on the things you can't normally afford.

A nice lipgloss, a new toy for the kid, heck- even shopping at Kroger instead of Aldi.

It makes you feel "normal" for a minute and gives a sliver of brightness.

So yeah- Shelly may be in debt- but attacking her for using her bonus as she wishes is not the answer.

I hope you get your bonus Shelly.


I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

If this isn't what I consider soulmate crap, I don't know what is.


Posts: 13248 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: GA
9.10.11
Member
Member # 36336
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

Shelly, every business is different. The business' I have, and how I run them, a bonus is a "bonus"...for going above and beyond what I expected. I personally would not like it if an employee came in asking for their bonus, or if there would be one.

Just my $.02.....keep the change.


Posts: 123 | Registered: Aug 2012
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

Seriously? If Shelly gets a bonus- even if she is in debt- she can spend it any way she wants.
I have massive
student loan
debt. If I got a $1000 bonus would it go to that?

NO.

And here's why:
I live paycheck to paycheck. It is draining emotionally. Going out and seeing all the holiday "stuff" can actually make me feel horrible that I cannot even afford gifts for my loved ones. Or at least not more than a few dollars worth.

Living paycheck to paycheck is an emotional curse. You are happy on payday and the stress is lifted for a few hours. Then it comes crashing down. It is relentless.

So you make a plan and you stick to it, but when you get a bit extra you spend it on the things you can't normally afford.

A nice lipgloss, a new toy for the kid, heck- even shopping at Kroger instead of Aldi.

It makes you feel "normal" for a minute and gives a sliver of brightness.

So yeah- Shelly may be in debt- but attacking her for using her bonus as she wishes is not the answer.

^^^This is how I feel. I will be in debt until I die. Its just a fact of my life. I need to live "a little" and I am or was going to use part of it for paying up bills.

I think what bothers me most is I know that they are paying out bonuses because I saw where it was allotted for. I am an accountant. Its just disheartening to think that I am possibly not one of the few receiving one when I need one so badly.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

THANK THE LORD AND THE HEAVENS, MY BOSS GAVE ME MY BONUS THIS MORNING....AND IT IS $120 MORE THAN LAST YEAR!!!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

I don't know how things work in your company She11y, but in every company that I worked for We didn't get "Christmas" bonuses. The bonuses were performance and company results based, were discussed openly with everyone and individual situations on how much you would get were discussed between manager and employee upfront so that when they are given out there are no surprises. And they were distributed in April. But it was all discussed openly

What are the criteria that are used to decide who gets a bonus and how much? Was this discussed with everyone in advance? You said that you got one last year, how was that handled between you and your boss?

I think that if you have a good relationship with your boss it does no harm to casually ask considering you got it last year and you know from doing the books that the money is there.

As far as your debt is concerned, I do think it would be a good idea to try to cover some of that just to take the pressure off of you but you need to do something nice for your daughter, family, friends and YOURSELF! You will always have debt - most of us do It erally is no big deal as long as you can make the monthly payments. I know from your posts how you are struggling so yes you do need to make some adjustments but doing something for you for the Holidays and be able to enjoy some nice things is critical to you own well being.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3424 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

Yeah! Shelly -& congrats on the raise

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jun 2012
Iamacrab
Member
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

Glad you got your bonus Shelly.

It's interesting how this varies so greatly by company. I was reading gahurts reply and thought my company is so different.
I work in HR for a private company, our bonuses are performance and company results driven also. But we give no information about it as we don't want employees to count on it at all.
Therefore, employees don't know what % of sales achieved would mean bonuses that year, they don't know what is the base performance level or how it's calculated. I'm in HR and I don't know myself. I generally would say because of how we view it, at my company people typically don't ask.

I was just thinking that a bonus this year would help me too. I'm currently trying not to think about it as not to have hope.

Have a great holiday for those that are celebrating thanksgiving! Even if you're not, I'm thankful for all of my friends from SI.


Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

Phew!!!! and Yay!!!!!!

I'd been holding my breath and I'm tickled pink for you!!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

Woo Hoo!

Now you can Happy Dance without having that bandage on your left foot from having shot it by asking about it.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21056 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
9.10.11
Member
Member # 36336
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

Good for you Shelly!!! Sometimes ya just gotta be patient. Do as I say, not as I do.

Very happy for you! you have obviously earned it!

Happy Holidays!


Posts: 123 | Registered: Aug 2012
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

I'm glad you got your bonus!

I didn't think there was any possible way my original post could have been read as an attack since I was so careful with wording. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have posted. But since it was taken that way, I'll respond.

I grew up extremely poor. Paycheck to paycheck (and then not even.) Not knowing if we were having dinner. Stove broke and can't afford a new one for months until my grandparents finally take pity and buy us a used one. Embarrassed to have friends over. I know the stress, and growing up as a child in that environment is terrible. I felt guilty that my parents had me when they couldn't afford me, I felt terrible when my 3rd grade class was going on a field trip and I knew I was going to have to ask my parents for $3 so I could go. I remember resenting my parents, and then feeling shame about it, when they took my first communion money to pay bills. I've had a job, working as much as legally allowed (and frequently more) since I was 12. My parents contributed absolutely nothing to my higher education (one time they bought me some groceries.)

One of my favorite sayings is that if you do what you've always done, you'll be where you've always been. Why does doing something good for yourself have to involve buying something or spending money? Studies have shown that you may feel a slight boost, but then you usually feel worse. (http://www.theguardian.com/uk/2001/may/06/shopping.highereducation for example)

It takes time, effort, and sacrifice, but anyone can emerge from debt, build up emergency savings, and remove that financial stressor from their life. (Some good resources: "Your Money or Your Life," Early Retirement Extreme, Mr. Money Mustache, Get Rich Slowly -- google them if you're interested.)

My suggestion was that instead of buying some crap that your daughter is too young to really appreciate, create some new, good money habits. You can do free stuff and she won't even know. Go to the library and get books to read together, go for a walk in nature (which is shown to be stress-relieving: opposite of shopping), play with the toys she already has... Giving her the gift of financial literacy and responsibility would be one of the best things you can do for her. I had to learn on my own, and use my parents as an example of what not to do. Build up a base now so that when she is old enough, you have the means to splurge occasionally.

sadtoo you're right -- it's Shelly's money and she can do what she wants. I just know the stress of being very poor, and now I know the freedom that not having to worry about money provides. It's the cumulative effect of many little decisions that affects things like this. Shelly has shown that she possesses the discipline and character required for delayed gratification (marathon training) and I thought to suggest that if she applies that to her financial life, she could reap the benefits, probably in far less time than she thinks.

I won't respond on these types of threads anymore.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3371 | Registered: Dec 2011
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

I won't respond on these types of threads anymore.

Please don't think this. I appreciate constructive criticism and I've learned that its expected on SI. I never post on here expecting everyone to give me sunshine and roses. We are all different and have different perspectives and I value all of them!! I understand completely where you are coming from. I'm just happy to have a "slight" sigh of financial relief at this time of year and having the ability to catch up on some bills. I'm not going to go on a hog wild shopping spree or anything! I know better than that! I am very thankful and grateful to have gotten this money and will be very smart in how I spend it! Please continue to comment and share your views.

I value your thoughts....your opinions .....and you! And, I hope you have a very very Happy Holiday!!!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

phmh, you have wonderful, thoughtful advice and it reaches far beyond the intended recipient, you never know who it might help. Please continue to share

Posts: 3399 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

Very well said, phmh, and I couldn't agree more with your thoughts.

Please continue to post.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21056 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
soulsearcher4
Member
Member # 29540
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

I won't respond on these types of threads anymore.

No, please do. Mustachians need a champion and a voice other than the Mr. Money Mustache himself.

If you get one more person to check out or convert, you've done your job.


Me: BS
Her: WS

Divorced.

Remarried to a supremely wonderful person!


Posts: 172 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: So.Cal.
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

Happy for you!


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17413 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

Yay! I was wondering.

The company that I work for is privately held. We have a "profit sharing" that is given to all employees in the form of XX hours, usually paid in July and December.

They also have a bonus for a select few employees. It is at the discretion of managment, and NEVER guaranteed. Asking about it would be seriously frowned upon.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7697 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

I'm so pleased you got your bonus Shelly!!! I'm sure it feels good - no matter what you decide to do with it.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4563 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)

I won't respond on these types of threads anymore.

Phmh- I thought it was good advice, well it was for me, personally. I usually work extra hours in the summer (it's like getting a bonus) and the idea of putting most (or even all of it) to my E-Fund made me start to think financially long term.
I've been slammed with debt since D & I've just been focused on immediate bills, but now things has settled and now I can start to work towards my savings.

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jun 2012
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)

I am happy for you Shelly. That is great news.

My company has a unique thing around this time of the year. When we have open enrollment for benefits, we can purchase a week of vacation for $99. At the end of the year, if we did not use it then we can sell it back at our normal hourly rate. It really is a great rate of return and for those of us with kids acts as a great Christmas Club. I can never remember if we get that check in the beginning of December or the middle. Either way it helps a bunch.

phmh, your comments and advice are wonderful. Please keep posting even if we don't always agree.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3424 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Yme
Member
Member # 239
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)

Congrats on receiving your bonus! Those who receive unwritten bonuses from their employers are fortunate. There are many working folks, like myself, who do not receive this benefit. There are companies that take care of their employees and I commend them! I'm glad that you work for one.

[This message edited by Yme at 1:18 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


"Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips."

Posts: 1334 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: The Land of Pleasant Living
msk99
Member
Member # 29293
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)

Happy you got the bonus! Enjoy it!!


BS (Me): 40 STBXWW (Her): 40
M: 15 Years, 2 Awesome Boys
Divorced

Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.


Posts: 712 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Alberta
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)

There are companies that take care of their employees and I commend them! I'm glad that you work for one.

I do...I am SO very fortunate. We have excellent benefits... and we have a full all out Christmas party to boot in December with open bar and all! They go all out for us! The owner even gives us gift certificates on top of bonuses! We even have a monthly company paid catered breakfast every 1st Wednesday! Our employer takes care of us! He orders pizzas or subs on snow days and does all sorts of thoughtful things throughout the year! I'm very lucky. I love my job and am thankful for it every day.... if the day comes and they can't do bonuses...it won't affect my feelings towards how lucky I am!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 2:22 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)

I would like to voice my 10000000./. support for what phmh said. I grew up poor too. My dad was too sick too work, my mother was not educated enough to make much money in her part time job. I remember vividly being mocked by my brand-name wearing classmates for just having one pair of pants. I remember my mother going hungry because she wanted to make sure my dad and I had enough. I remember Christmas with one small gift and that was it. But I had my family, in sickness and in health. Who gives a shit about stuff???? How does it help you be a better person or be less stressed tomorrow?

I have worked three jobs while raising two kids to dig myself out of debt. I took in a renter. And yes, now I can earn the fruit of that because I did not resign myself to the pathetic and self-defeating mindset that "I will be in debt all my life" and that living paycheck to paycheck is just a given and that stuff makes you happy. Who give a flying f..$@ about stuff? That is NOT what Christmas is not what about.

Good for you there was a Christmas bonus, be wise with what you were given. Your daughter has your love and family. All else is meaningless.



Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
LeopoldB
Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)

This was a very nice holiday thread all around - -
a modern day Charles Dickens "A Christmas Carol"
only without the ghosts.


Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
sadcat
Member
Member # 8637
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

So glad you got your bonus Shelly!


I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

If this isn't what I consider soulmate crap, I don't know what is.


Posts: 13248 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: GA
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

I just checked back to see if Shelly got her bonus. Yeahhh!

PLMH I think that second post was for me. I have had union tended expenses this year and have struggled. Your post reminds me to do what I should have been doing, so thank you


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6587 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Topic Posts: 52