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Reconciliation
User Topic: Excellent talk last night
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, November 29th (Friday)

Happy Thanksgiving leftover day to all the US members! Hope you had a great day with family and friends.

H and I had a great little chat last night following my IC. He asked about it but said he didn't want to pry.

I explained, "you know hon, we are spending a lot of our family funds on IC for both of us so I actually think its important we know what the other is working on." He agreed.

From there we spoke about entitlement and selfish behavior. I explained to him that this is key when one has decided to have an A.

He has always maintained that it was his inability to talk about how shitty he felt, how stressful things were at work, home, with us, and that bc of this he was vulnerable. The result was him essentially going for it one night with a colleague while at conference. He said he never woke up that day and decided to have sex with another person. There was no build up except for the flirting that started at that conference and escalated quickly. He had sex with her again and likely again before he came home. It went on for two years whenever they were in the same city.

So...of course entitlement came into play! I suggested there must be something at the core where you can make that decision. I was under incredible stress at the same time. I had someone flirting with me. I thought I could mess around with this guy....but I didn't! My core said, "no way!"

And if I made the decision to have sex with someone then the next day, I would be mortified. But my H was not. He did it again. So...let's not say this is all about lack of communication. Of course it plays a GIANT part in the breakdown of our marriage. Of course if he told me how unhappy he was it would have brought some relief. BUT...we were in counseling while the A was going on. We were talking!

Its time he looked at his weak boundaries, his thrill for taking risks and some part of him that said, "I deserve this." Which he did say! He told me he said to himself, "I can do this and still have my family."

How could he and his IC NOT havetalked about this by now? It's been almost one year!

He was nodding his head and said it was all a lot to take in. That's okay, I told him. We have time....but just so you know, my rates go up in the new year.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2114 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, November 29th (Friday)

'Maybe your husband is different because if was more of a sporadic situation than mine, but in the affair, they are not thinking rationally. So when you say the next day you'd be mortified, yes, that is true. And he may have been on some level, but there is a very powerful pull from those brain chemicals to re-up. So then, the rationalization starts.. ."no one has to know" or, for some, "i must be in love." So yes. . .selfish behavior, much like an alcoholic, but if I have learned anything in the last few months, affairs are anything bult cold and calculating, and generally not thought of as a choice bewteen you and the AP.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1768 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, November 29th (Friday)

How could he and his IC NOT havetalked about this by now? It's been almost one year!

I have to say that I find this really worrying. Does his IC know he's had an affair? I ask that as a serious question because if they do, this not coming up without you being the one to suggest it makes me wonder how much experience with infidelity this IC has - or at least - what their approach to infidelity is?

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 10:05 AM, November 29th (Friday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1839 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, November 29th (Friday)

Your husband's situation is different from most affairs in that he was in control of it in the sense that he could turn it on/off when he wanted since the affair was mostly taking place when both affair partners were physically in the same location. He knew when the start and end times were for it over the time the A was going on. So that is part of it - the sense of control.

I believe it when he says "I thought I could have the A and keep my family, too." That is the lie all WS tell themselves in order to justify it. They think they are pulling one over on everyone but MOSTLY they are just fooling themselves. As we all know from the posts here - more people suspect or know about their affairs than they think because they are so oblivious to the world around them. If they were checked in, fully functioning, and had any emotional intelligence it would be apparent to them that other people either know about the affair, sense something is wrong or are suffering in some way as a direct result of the affair.

ETA: My husband says that he would pull out of our driveway and become another person. When he arrived home that person would turn off and the "#1 Dad" person he was *trying* to be would step in.

It does sound like he is peeling back the layers so to speak. Great progress.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 11:22 AM, November 29th (Friday)]


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
greengiant
Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, November 29th (Friday)

Similar situation her. My wife said that the morning she first did it with him, she didn't woke up thinking that they would do it. She says that she actually never thought that she would do something like this and that was disgusting her. But when he asked her, she said yes right away and they went to his home. After that, she would put what she had done in a "box" in her head, would say it wasn't right, but that she deserves this, and won't do it ever again. But as it often happen in A, they did it again...

If he didn't had this conversation with his IC, maybe he should bring this up next time.


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, November 29th (Friday)

So when you say the next day you'd be mortified, yes, that is true. And he may have been on some level, but there is a very powerful pull from those brain chemicals to re-up.

Yes, I have read about the chemical pull bionic. It is also interesting to note that this same part of the brain is triggered when eating, drinking, getting high. He said he felt badly but "not enough" to stop doing it. I can't even imagine....

@ Sins. Oh yes, IC knows of the A. In fact, we were in MC with her for one year while the A was going on. Nice waste of time/money that was! In a private session she asked him if he was having an A and he flat out lied. When he called her after D-Day he apologized to her, told her the story. She agreed to take him on for IC.

So, you see what I mean? He had the perfect chance to REALLY talk in that private session. Come clean. But he didn't. And there I was banging my head against the wall wondering what the problem between us was! Which leads me to the next comment...

I believe it when he says "I thought I could have the A and keep my family, too." That is the lie all WS tell themselves in order to justify it. They think they are pulling one over on everyone but MOSTLY they are just fooling themselves

Oh yes. I believe that too WiF. He is a master compartmentalizer. He actually thought the above-mentioned MC sessions were going to help us work out some marital issues....even though he was having an A. !!!

I went with him to IC once. I wanted to make sure that all this was getting covered. I felt at better when I left that these things were being tackled but what it all came down to for both of them was his inability to communicate.

Sorry. There's more at the core!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2114 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, November 29th (Friday)

That was an excellent talk. I agree entitlement is at the core.

I'm kind of surprised your MC took your husband on as IC when he lied so outrageously in your joint therapy sessions. But then again ours did too.

We went to MC and my husband was still lying a lot about the nature of the affair and doing everything he could do to cover his ass. Yep -- a waste of money. He had the wool pulled heavily over the MC's eyes, and she was focusing on the marriage issues, so I stopped going. I wanted him to work on himself first.

As his fog was lifting, from reading on SI, plus my anger was increasing and tolerance for his crap was at an all time low, even he could see that the MC/IC was not going to challenge him and was treating him with kid-gloves. She focused on his feelings and external factors, so he found himself another IC.

With your husband maintaining his inability to talk about how shitty he felt, how stressful things were at work, home, with us, and that bc of this he was vulnerable.... it's easy to offer a sympathetic ear. But dealing with a sense of entitlement, leaves all the victim stuff behind and goes into more unpleasant territory, IMO, and some IC just don't do that.

I think it is great progress that he now can think about this. Too bad you are the one bringing it to him vs his IC. Maybe it's time for a new IC? Or he is going to have to request they go deeper.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Gotmegood
Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, November 29th (Friday)

In every case of infidelity, whether there was 1 AP, or 68 of them; whether the AP was a co-worker, *friend*, prostitute, or other stranger, the betrayer is operating from the most selfish, and entitled mindset. That's my opinion.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 404 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, November 29th (Friday)

With your husband maintaining his inability to talk about how shitty he felt, how stressful things were at work, home, with us, and that bc of this he was vulnerable.... it's easy to offer a sympathetic ear. But dealing with a sense of entitlement, leaves all the victim stuff behind and goes into more unpleasant territory, IMO, and some IC just don't do that.

Thank you Dixie D. This is what I believe to be happening. I will show him this thread.

I agree GotmeGood. I agree.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2114 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 9