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User Topic: how is the healing process different for WS and BS?
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, November 29th (Friday)

This is something I have been wondering about for a while and I am very curious to see what WS and BS feel about this.

From what I have read, after going NC with an AP the WS needs to get to a place of indifference for their AP....obviously any contact or thoughts of AP stop the WS from moving on and focusing on their BS.

Now I have noticed from reading other forums that many BS continue to focus on their WS AP...they (understandably) have feelings of anger and hatred towards the AP and some seem to seek revenge....they may not actively do anything to get this revenge but to me it seems like they continue to focus on the AP.

I am not trying to offend anyone by posting this and apologize if I do so....but I feel like it's almost like a double standard....it is healthy for the WS to go NC (emotionally and physically) with AP to heal and fix themselves, but it doesn't appear that way with BS.

Why is that?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 815 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, November 29th (Friday)

I just feel like both WS and BS need to get past the anger and negative feelings about the AP in order to heal from the infidelity.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 815 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, November 29th (Friday)

Oops....I meant to remove the stop sign on this...


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 815 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, November 29th (Friday)

Alyssamd,

Obviously the WS going to indifference with the AP is essential as to not start up the affair again in any form or fashion.

The BS focusing on the AP is likened unto an intruder or trespasser in a very delicate territory of their marriage. They continue to be a threat whether you as the WS engage them or not. If someone did harm to your child..you would be in protect and watch mode of that offender. You may express feelings of anger toward that person and you would keep tabs on that person so you can see if they plan to do harm again.

Most of all it is a question of morality, the BS is angry at you because you knew you were married and are even angrier at the AP for crossing that boundary, especially if they knew you were married. It shows what type of character the AP is and is someone to be on the lookout for.
All in all it is also the goal of the BS to become indifferent. But at their pace. They have to be able to have that anger, express that anger and then dismiss that anger. But all in due time. It could take years to reach indifference...but even though indifference is achieved..the BS will still be watchful.


The motto....trust but verify.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 2:32 PM, November 29th (Friday)]


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, November 29th (Friday)

Oops....I meant to remove the stop sign on this...

Glad you meant to remove the stop sign cause I was wonderin' how you would get BS feedback!

Thanks for asking Alyssa. I can say almost one year out that I don't fixate on her anymore. Of course I did in the beginning and it reached its peak this summer.

But I remember reading in After the Affair that this person was not the cause of our marital woes and would never be the solution - meaning - to focus my tirade on her was not going to help us in the long run. I had to keep my eyes on the horizon of R.
She has no place there.

This is very difficult. My mind is very strong but sometimes I just don't have it in me. It has gotten easier with time. Also, I did see her for the first time in Sept. and that lifted a certain amount of mystery for me.

I hope one day to get to indifference but right now I still feel incredibly angry when I think of her.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 4:24 PM, November 29th (Friday)

PM for you LA44


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 36981 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
seenow
Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, November 29th (Friday)

My two cents: I agree with FRM. The APs are thieves. Thieves where the WS opened the door and said help yourselves. The WS needs to close and lock that door.

As a BS I need to take inventory of what was stolen and then be on the look out for that thief. A criminal still on the loose without punishment from me.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, November 29th (Friday)

For me my anger is so great, I need somewhere to focus it other than WH right now. In my mind I know he was the one who did this but OW knew me. WH also admits what he did was extremely selfish and destructive whereas OW feels she did nothing wrong. Couple that with the fact that he still works with her and I am struggling to reach any kind of indifference.

I try not to bring her up or rage about her to him but sometimes I can't help it. Hopefully I will get there sooner rather than later because I know it's not healthy for me or for R.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 844 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, November 29th (Friday)

Thank you for the responses....I am glad I asked the question and even more glad no one has taken offense....so I guess the path towards healing is the same for both but the time frame is a little bit different ?

Thank you especially to the BS who have replied...I am glad to get your insight!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 815 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, November 29th (Friday)

Couple that with the fact that he still works with her and I am struggling to reach any kind of indifference.

Sorry for the t/j Alyssa, but this comment jumped out at me. That must be horrible AML. I hope that he is trying his best to rectify that situation, asap.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, November 29th (Friday)

FRM pretty much summed it up for me.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3870 | Registered: Dec 2011
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, November 29th (Friday)

No worries Sal.

I agree AML....I also hope that at some point your WH will no longer work with the OM.

OW feels she did nothing wrong.

This is one thing that I don't understand...the OW who feel no shame or remorse for what they have done. I am a WW and my A was with a MM but I would never have that attitude towards her....I feel nothing but anger and disgust towards myself for what I have done to her and her family, even though she doesn't believe that my A with her WH even happened.

I know I am no better than any of the other OW because I have caused as much hurt as them,but I just can't understand that added cruelty to the BS.

I guess I t/j my own post!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 815 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, November 29th (Friday)

I know I am no better than any of the other OW because I have caused as much hurt as them,but I just can't understand that added cruelty to the BS.

My wife's OM was an unsavory character who, from what I've heard, liked to brag about all the "mommies" he chased, so I'm pretty sure he doesn't give a rip about the hurt he's caused me. Alyssa, if you feel genuine remorse for the pain you caused OM's BW, you're on a better track than many. It's been great to witness your growth. I wish my WW had the courage to post on SI. Keep up the good work, there are thousands on this site pulling for you.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, November 29th (Friday)

I feel nothing but anger and disgust towards myself for what I have done to her and her family, even though she doesn''t believe that my A with her WH even happened.

How are you coming with ambivalence, sistah? I''m sensing that you''re still a bit...resentful (?) toward OBS that your AP managed to snow her. The truth is, though, that you cannot know what she believes. Look at how much you''ve evolved in a couple of months. Isn''t it possible that she has too? That it''s dawned on her, that you were telling the truth and he''s lying? I''ve seen it many times here on SI...the BW righteously, indignantly vilifying the OW, and her poor WH would never have strayed if not for that evil temptress! But a week, or six, later...Illumination as the blame finally shifts to the appropriate party.

Let go of what AP or OBS may or may not believe. You will never know.

I know I am no better than any of the other OW

Our actions were no better than the actions of any other OW. Hate the sin, love the sinner. We need to learn to love and accept ourselves, in order to heal from this and be good wives, mothers & humans.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1113 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, November 29th (Friday)

but I feel like it's almost like a double standard....it is healthy for the WS to go NC (emotionally and physically) with AP to heal and fix themselves, but it doesn't appear that way with BS.

As the BS, it's absolutely unhealthy to fixate on OP. Early in, I'd be in OW's part of town, and on the look out constantly. Always had a fake smile plastered on my face, just in case I ran into it. It was utter torture. (I never let that bitch see me sweat, ever)

It took a good year for me to accept that it was XH who failed to protect our M, and me, from OW. XH willingly invited this pig in, conspired w/it to torture me. Now that I have years worth of perspective, I can't help but feel nothing but pity for it.

Focusing on either one of them just isn't healthy for me. I don't give a damn how much either of them fixate on me; that's not my problem, so long as they both stay out of my orbit.

whereas OW feels she did nothing wrong.

I find it hard to hate somebody who is that damaged that they can't even grasp this very basic idea. Maybe XH's OW is evil, but I think it's more that she's just that stupid.


but I just can't understand that added cruelty to the BS.

Again, don't know if it's evil or just stupid. I never met this whore, yet, it made it it's mission to hurt me as much as possible. I can only speculate that the purpose of that was so that I'd D XH & it would get him thru default. Or maybe it just enjoyed torturing a total stranger.

Hate the sin, love the sinner.

At the end of the day, this. We all are imperfect & make mistakes. It's a matter of learning from them, and striving to move forward. I think there are very, very, very few people in the world who are completely w/o redemption.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
GotMyLifeBck2013
Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, November 30th (Saturday)

It gets easier for me every day. I just wake up, remind myself that these two people, the ex wayward wife and her 20 year old affair partner are bottom feeding scum who enjoy destroying innocent lives. Evil is easy to recognize if you are willing to look at it. And now I am able to through a good deal of my day without thinking of either of them.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, November 30th (Saturday)

Alyssa-I agree with what 20wrongs said. Your actions during were no better but now is what counts. WH hears me bash OW on occasion and I worried that was how he thought I felt about him but it isn't. His actions after are what is keeping me going.

And thank you guys for your concern. WH is trying to find a new job; not only for my healing but for his.

[This message edited by AML04 at 7:46 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 844 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
mindbody
Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, November 30th (Saturday)

I also agree with FRM.

I don't consider it fixating on the OW if I take precautions to avoid being anywhere near OW. Yes, that does require my time and thoughts that I believe are well worth it and not counterproductive.

It's not easy getting to indifference towards OW because she was more than an acquaintance. I respected and trusted her as well as came to her defense on other issues before D-Day. I would have liked an apology as well rather than having 2 certified NC letters returned, unopened, plus her denying receiving a 3rd one, and then all the broken NC.

What I am trying to say is that not all OPs are created equal. What OPs do after D-Day may have a large impact on the degree of "fixating."

Another consideration is whether the WS/WSO is sympathizing with the OP, even knowing that the OP has also hurt the BS/BSO of WS/WSO. It's up to the WS/WSO to reach this preferred indifference which helps the BS/BSO reach acceptance.

Honestly, I don't know that it is necessary for all BS/BSOs to reach indifference. I really don't wish any harm on OW, I hope OW heals and has a good life AND I never want to see her again, ever. Apathetic, immaterial, unconcerned, impartial (as the dictionary describes the word indifferent) does not describe where I am in regards to OW. Are my thoughts of OW interfering with my R? A resounding no. I am leaving my opinions and options open depending on OW's actions.

I am most thankful for the wonderful threads and posts by the Ws on SI. I've always believed that the 2 people having an affair are equally responsible for their participation. I don't differentiate the responsiblity between the OP/WS/WSO. I'm sure that my WSO and the OW did whatever they needed to do to make the A happen, neither was forced.

Alyssamd24, your post was not offensive at all. I'm not feeling revengeful - I am being vigilant and protective. There's no double standard here, I hope WSO and I are always on the same page regarding OW.


Posts: 301 | Registered: Mar 2010
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, November 30th (Saturday)

When someone hurts you, vengence is a natural human response. Our WSs hurt us, and we want to hurt them. However, if we're in R, we can work through these feelings with the person there. With an AP, however, typically you can't. And it's also a quite normal thing for people to displace all of that hurt and hate away from the WS and onto the AP.

Moreover, all situations are NOT created equal. I actually obsess very little about my WH's AP. Why? 1) I never have to see her; she lives in another state 2) I never knew her well in the first place 3) my WH threw her under the bus pretty quickly and 4) the relationship they had was not one I'd want to have with my WH. In other words, it wasn't a crazy rainbows ILY madly situation. It was a FWB thing. All of these factors are going to affect how a BS feels about the AP.

All BSs know that they should ideally reach a state of indifference re the AP. This is very different, however, from the process that a WS is going through -- I would think, anyway. The WS is detaching him/herself from feelings of attraction, addiction, obsession, etc. The BS is weaning him/herself from feelings of hate, jealousy, and vengence. I really don't think the two should be equated.

Also, as BSs, we have to control ourselves so much. We have all of these horrible, awful feelings to work through and hard realities to face. I'm not alone in saying that this has been the most devastating emotional experience of my life. Indulging in a little bit of uncontrolled hatred of the AP is the one area where anything goes and there's not a lot of downside as long as you don't act on it. I'm not saying it's healthy to indulge in this long-term -- I'm just saying that it's just a way of letting out a bit of excess emotion. And being "fair" to the AP is pretty much at the bottom of my list of worries.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1055 | Registered: Aug 2012
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, November 30th (Saturday)

Our WSs hurt us, and we want to hurt them.

Wow, that hit home Blobette. It's a painful thing to consider, but it's true. Truthfully, the biggest barrier to R right now is the feeling that anything less than divorce would be a huge injustice. Complicating things is the fact that there's no way to "punish" my WW without also punishing myself and our kids. It's one hell of a Catch-22.

As for punishing her AP...I'd love to if there was a way to do it without jeopardizing my freedom or professional license. But truthfully my hatred of him is connected to the choices my wife made. He's one of thousands just like him in this town alone - middle aged, divorced men with nothing better to do than to prowl nightclubs looking for easy scores. Dime a dozen. I loathe him for the kind of man he is, but that's about it. I'm furious at her for giving a guy like him a shot in the first place. If not him, it would have been someone else. Never met the guy, so there's not even a face to put with the name.

It might actually be helpful if I knew him or if he was close friend so that some of the pain and rage could be directed away from my wife. I try, but it always comes back to her.

The healing process is proving to be more difficult than I ever could have imagined.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, November 30th (Saturday)

I am very glad that I decided to post this topic because it has helped clear things up for me. A lot of what has been said here are things that I hadn't even thought to consider, and now that they have been explained I think I have a better understanding of how BS begin to heal. Thank you!

And twenty, as usual yes you are right. My own level of indifference wasn't why I brought this topic up, but I guess it snuck in anyway.

I am still resentful and angry but it is getting better...I am making some progress though not as much as I would like. I think I am projecting the anger from myself to xap....but perhaps that should be another thread!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 815 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, November 30th (Saturday)

I'm a double betrayed situation, so I think it might make a small difference. 9 months out, I still have white-hot rage for my wife's AP, who was a close friend, neighbor, and co-worker of ours. I know that I've seen people post along the lines of "Well, that person didn't make any promises/vows to you." To that, I say simply:

Fuck that.

We, as human beings in a society, have a basic human obligation not to have sex with other people's spouses. We live (most of us) in a nation of laws....and fucking someone else's spouse in tantamount to a breach of the social contract. You don't like that? Then go live somewhere where the social customs regarding fidelity and marriage are less rigid. But you don't grow up in a Western society (particularly the U.S.) and not understand the general idea of how marriages work....excepting of course situations wherein both partners have agreed to less traditional norms). The AP has an obligation including, and especially, in double betrayal situations. Listen...if I bring you around my family, invite you over to watch Bulls games and share some tasty beverages, then the very least obligation you owe me is to respect my goddamned marriage vows. Yes, the spouse gets 95% of the blame, but it takes two to tango.

Game of Thrones fans get me here....think of the Red Wedding. If we break bread together and share a meal, then I have an obligation not to betray you.

I don't think I will ever reach indifference. I want every bad thing ever to happen to each and every single OM/OW ever.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 12:23 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.

Posts: 2039 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, November 30th (Saturday)

After a year from dday, I still have anger at ow.

I do feel that betrayal of societal rules and just the immorality of it. She did not know me though and did not vow loyalty or fidelity to me.

What she did that makes me still feel anger is she verbally assaulted me by text after h left me for her.

I did not contact her, it was not in response to me. She took it upon herself to contact me and judge my behavior, my relationship with h and my mil. She spoke to me like I was the one interfering in her life, like I was not the wife but the affair partner. This total stranger beat me while I was down. That to me is just plain cruel.

I try to make her irrelevant and for the most part she is. Those damn triggers though, it makes it a constant battle to remember that she was only a symptom of a problem.

It sure doesn't help that she comes up on my linked-in, as someone I might know. Yup, I know her, just wish I didn't.

I do want to say to you, I have been reading your posts from the very beginning. You seem to have come so far. You should feel good about the hard work you have been doing. That takes strength.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, November 30th (Saturday)

FacePunched
I want every bad thing ever to happen to each and every single OM/OW ever

Ouch. Your rage extends toward not only the POSER in your sitch, but every cheater in the Western world? Not criticizing, just confirming. Your contribution is topic-appropriate, but ...ouch. Your wife''s AP was divorced (yes?) so perhaps she doesn''t technically qualify as an OW.

And twenty, as usual yes you are right.

Like anyone, I detect others'' hidden subtexts much more acutely than my own.

((cantaccept)) Just, hugs. You did not deserve to be treated so cruelly by your WH, and piled upon by OW. Wish I could apologize on behalf of all formerly-whoreible OW who are deeply ashamed by our actions.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1113 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, November 30th (Saturday)

Well, EVERY OM/OW in the world is probably a tad too far, as there are a lot of people on this site whose opinions I value and whose insight has helped me.

But in my situation I definitely feel that way about my wife's AP. I will throw a party if anything terrible ever happens to him.

With balloons and clown.

ETA: No, he was not divorced. He's single. Always has been.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 4:50 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.

Posts: 2039 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, November 30th (Saturday)

From what I can tell, the WS healing process is different in that it involves admitting you did something VERY wrong, dealing with the BS's rightful anger about EVERYTHING that timeline involves - the lies, the infidelity, the hurt, the gas lighting, being taken for granted, the obliterated trust, addressing all of those things and taking a hard look at one's self and making an honest attempt to change. And acknowledge that there is also collateral damage to others - kids, friends, family, yourself. That is a lot. And dealing with the guilt that you have caused this - that it was your choice, your decisions, your stupidity that lead you down this path. And now you have to keep yourself on the right path if you want to save your relationships - with your spouse and children.

For the BS, it involves processing all of the considerable hurt and anger and negative feelings, allowing yourself to grieve and at some point be vulnerable and start to trust again. And allow yourself to be helped by people who care about you. And it takes so much longer than anyone can imagine…and also less time in some respects than you think it will. But there is always this thing looming in the background. Your WS will always be someone who betrayed your trust. And you will always be the person that was betrayed. There ain't no getting around that.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
sad34
Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, November 30th (Saturday)

Didn't read other replies, but will say my piece. Wh had a LTA, so far all those years he knew what was going on. So when on dday he chose me, he was the one holding all the cards.
My entire history was rewritten. A woman I should never have met is instantly placed into my timeline.
So for me to just stop thinking and talking about her is near impossible at the moment. I'm still trying to catch up on what my life has become. The WS as much as they need to work on healing, the BS is going through ten times the shit. I also believe the WS if they want us back have to move heaven and earth to b worthy of "r", and that of course includes throwing the op under the bus.

[This message edited by sad34 at 11:06 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, November 30th (Saturday)

Haven't read all the responses, so maybe this is repetitive - for me, I know that eventually I will come to a place of indifference with AP. I'm not there yet. She's pregnant, so it's probably going to take a while. I'm angry. I was in a three-way relationship for almost a year, and I didn't know it. I've only just come up to speed, and I'm still processing. I'm not exactly in control of my emotions - believe me, if I could cut her loose from my brain, I would. She doesn't mean anything, she didn't mean anything, she could have been anybody. Some days I'm just mad at EVERYBODY. Humans. People who treat other people like they don't exist, like their feelings are irrelevant, like only vows make you have to treat people with decency and respect. People who feed their low self-esteem through other people, and absolutely destroy someone else in the process. It just sucks.

I'm angry because I was faithful, because vows mean something to me - my vows AND other people's vows. I'm angry because I have never dated a married man, would never date a married man, have always taught my children that if somebody is dating/engaged/married, they are OFF LIMITS. Period. Don't hurt people to get your happiness. So it makes me angry when I see OW doing to me what I wouldn't do to her. I never ever wanted to kill myself before, but I have thought about it at least once a week for the last seven months. My joy of living has been lost. I no longer worry about what my children would do if they lost me - I worry about how I can avoid traumatizing them in the here and now. I wonder if they wouldn't be better off without a sad, angry, depressed, heartbroken mother. That makes me angry. At my H, at OW, at OW's mother, at my H's mother, at OW's friends, at every person who ever dated her and broke her heart, at her father who abandoned her, at my H's father who abandoned his mother, at my H's step-father who cheated on and beat his mother, at the neighbor across the street who I'm sure is cheating on his wife... pick a person. I'm probably mad at them.

I think (hope) it's a healthy stage of healing. If I'm still mad at OW a year from now, I probably have some work to do. Right now, I'm ok with it. She doesn't care whether I'm mad at her or not. She's mad at me, because I stole her boyfriend. I can't even wrap my brain around that one.

My H is indifferent - he knows it was about him and his own brokenness. He doesn't think about her. He's not mad at her. He doesn't miss her. I think that is completely healthy for the healing of our marriage. He told me, 'To hate her I would have to have feelings about her. I don't have any feelings about her.' I'm ok with that, too.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2013
Jono
Member
Member # 8099
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, December 1st (Sunday)

Good question Allsamd24! After discovery the BS is generally in a state of shock, has lost his or her reference points as all that was supposedly ‘solid’ previously has been dislodged and, most importantly, the damage has been done by the one person who made a (supposedly once in a lifetime) oath and who disregarded not only the BS but invariably the family (immediate and extended as well). Tough territory. We are ‘collective’ by nature. The BS has two options – break ties completely with the WS; redirect the anger. Breaking ties is often not feasible or practical for financial reasons; dependents; the desire to understand and possibly reconstruct.

By displacing the anger at the AP, the BS finds an outlet without which the intensity of the emotion, if directed entirely at the WS, would probably result in a severance or discontinuance in the relationship. The AP does have a case to answer. However the AP was not the one who broke the oath or betrayed the BS and his or her family. The AP unquestionably has issues to answer.

With time and space, the BS comes to a realization that the principal ‘culprit’ in the betrayal was the WS. Often by that stage anger levels have decreased and the humanness of the WS is recognized, and the role of the AP is seen as that of someone who was either in a place of weakness at the time, or was taking advantage of an identified need in the WS and often accompanied by a ‘cooling’, for whatever reason, of the principal relationship (WS/BS relationship).

With that realization the recovery takes yet another (corrective) turn where full input is put into the main relationship by the BS without focusing on the AP. The BS’s feelings for the AP morh into those of disappointment, often disappointment (if the AP was a friend or family member), and pity.

Does the BS then ever fully trust the WS going forward? That varies from relationship to relationship but the ‘new’ relationships is now founded on a very real understanding of human strengths and weaknesses and forged in a fire that has hopefully added an element of greater perception and commitment in going forward.

Finally one must also ask the question (I don’t know if it would ever be truthfully answered and maybe should be for a new thread) – having shared the levels of intimacy with the AP and in the light of their own misdirected actions, does the WS retain feelings for the AP in going forward – much akin to a recovered alcoholic having to avoid alcohol for the rest of his or her life for fear of relapse?


Posts: 468 | Registered: Sep 2005
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 8:00 AM, December 1st (Sunday)

FacePunched...

You have a PM.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197386 | Registered: May 2002
Topic Posts: 30