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Reconciliation
User Topic: Is this really R or somthing else?
Annalee
New Member
Member # 41267
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, November 30th (Saturday)

Itís been almost 2 months now since Dday. We have had lots of ups and downs since then but have been progressing towards R. Yet I still feel like I have no idea if this will ever be possible. My WH has been making an effort. There has been no contact and he has shown remorse and mostly given me access to everything I have wanted (credit cards, facebook, email etc). Yet I feel like he is not doing anywhere near enough.

Itís an argument I feel like we have every couple of days. Basically there will be some issue that will pop up that will make me suspicious about something (for example a charge on our bank statement) and I will bring it up and ask for an explanation. He will explain it but he will make a big deal about it and say something like ďreally? Why are you asking me this?Ö you are being unreasonableĒ etc.

He acts like because he is remorseful and isnít cheating on me anymore he thinks that we should just move on and get on with our lives. He tells me I am just making it worse by bringing it up all the time.

I understand that the way I feel is totally normal and that it will take a long time to heal but how do I get him to understand this? I suggested a couple of books for him to read but he isnít interested. He just says that he understands the situations and what he needs to do. He was having some counseling (with a minister, not a marriage counselor) but he is away for work for the next few months and that isnít possible now. He is in the military and we are actually in different countries right now so the contact we have in minimal. I have no idea what he is doing at any time and so I am constantly suspicious and stressed out.

He just seems to think that he knows what is best for us yet I doubt he has done any research or really given it much thought. I thought about suggesting this forum to him but I doubt he would be interested.

How can I get him to understand that he needs to do more if he wants the marriage to work. Whenever I try to explain this he makes out like Iím just being needy and has even said that if I keep it up Iím going to ruin our marriage. Itís so frustrating, I think that he does genuinely want R, he just really doesnít understand what it will take.


Me BS 29
Him WH 28
Married 2 yrs (together 3)
baby on the way
D-Day: 5 Oct 2013

Posts: 9 | Registered: Nov 2013
Lowlow
Member
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, November 30th (Saturday)


Itís an argument I feel like we have every couple of days. Basically there will be some issue that will pop up that will make me suspicious about something (for example a charge on our bank statement) and I will bring it up and ask for an explanation. He will explain it but he will make a big deal about it and say something like ďreally? Why are you asking me this?Ö you are being unreasonableĒ etc.

He is not being remorseful. He is being defensive and blameshifting you. He is thinking that you have no right to question every aspect of his life.

You do have every right to question everything. You have a right to know everything he is doing,particularly because he is away. He has no right to privacy on anything. He gave that up the moment he contemplated the a.

I believe there is a thread for military spouses in the I can relate forum. You might find this helpful

Hugs


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 218 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 2