Does anyone have any suggestions for me?
One of the things any BS fears is attempting R for their WS to later simply say they changed their mind. That fear is powerful. They struggle with feelings of self-loathing for wanting to be with someone who hurt them.
Patience is key. Now I would never, ever say a WS should or deserves abuse. Ever. Venting those fears and frustrations should serve a purpose. Read the profile of another WW on SI, Wincings_sparkle, and how she chose (it is a choice) to accept her BH''s ventings. She drew a line though too.
You see it''s not the anger or accusation or anything things that are said that a WS hoping for R should worry about imho. It''s silence. As long as he''s venting then he''s trying to convey his feelings. He hasn''t given up really. If you stay the course then it can potentially be an opportunity to reassure him you do indeed choose. Really and truly choose him for the long haul. If it were me it would help to hear that. To say "It does hurt to hear you say these things but I know why feel this way and I want you to know you can express your feelings if it helps you heal, if it helps us R." It is certainly acceptable to establish rules imho (like no yelling, no venting in front of the kids, etc.).
What is his love language? What is yours? I would say it''s important to not just use his but gently and persistently work with him on yours. He knows you have one and making it clear over and over that you want him to be the one to use your love language is another opportunity to improve your M.
I don''t know about your BH but for me I always thought actions were supposed to speak louder than words. I never understood how my total commitment to our family didn''t register with my xww in all of the things I did.
Your BH is still there. That is action in itself (not choosing to leave). Acknowledge that. Acknowledge that your BH in all likelihood must make that same choice each day. Your BH will invest even more in the M, but like I said that fear of a 2nd betrayal borders on mortal terror.
Finally, there is no such thing as "just enough". There are WS on SI who are going to D because their WS tried to do just enough to keep their BS to stay. If your BH has expressed something he needs for healing, for R then do that plus something else. Exceed expectations.
It won''t be easy but I can tell you this from experience. I was in three long term relationship (2 wgf, 1 xww) and none of them owned their actions and put in any real work to fix the relationship. If they had...well I would have been even more dedicated to them and the relationship than ever before. It would have sucked that it took a betrayal to turn our relationship into something great, but I would not have let that keep me from reveling in the new relationship it could be. I thought about this each time. I knew in the back of my mind that potential was there, but I couldn''t do it alone.