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User Topic: Disaster day, advice please-WS too!
jost1125
Member
Member # 38710
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, December 1st (Sunday)

First I want to start off saying that WBF has changed a lot in the last 13 months, he stays home, when he does go somewhere he comes right home instead of hanging out at the bar for hours, he pays more attention to what's going on at home, he tells me he loves me, he's greatful for a second chance, he'll always be here for me, etc. The other night (after drinking too much on Thanksgiving) he got emotional and told me how much he loves me and that he couldn't live without me. He's read things that I've asked him to, but he doesn't do it on his own.

I also want to say that I do not rage at him, I do not call him names, I do not bring up his A very often, I don't even tell him most of the time when I trigger and feel like shit because I know it bums him out. I don't tell him I appreciate him enough, I know that, but I do try. The other day I told him how thankful I am for him and all the things he does and that I am important enough for him to be willing to try R.

He complains sometimes that I do not show him enough affection or tell him I appreciate him enough. Like I said, I try though. I've explained to him how hard it is and I thought he understood. I thought he understood my anxiety when he is gone and why I get anxious when he's not home when I think he's going to be.

Well, today was a disaster. I didn't know he had plans for the day, I thought he was going to be home until later in the afternoon. He said he thought he'd go do this and that, and I didn't mean to, but apparently I shook my head. My back was towards him, and he freaked out when I shook my head. He got pissed and said nevermind, that he would stay home and do what I wanted. I just thought he was going to be home and we could get some things done around the house that need to be done before the baby comes. We have 5 weeks left, but now the doctor told me that I have too much amniotic fluid and I have to go for non-stress tests every week to monitor the baby and make sure she's okay and that I am not having early contractions, so I am freaking out that she's going to come early and we won't be ready. When he said he wanted to go check how much ice there was for ice fishing, I was a bit frustrated and wondered when this shit is going to get done, but it really wasn't that big of a deal. I would have just had my son help me with some of it while he was gone. I told him it's okay, go. But then he wouldn't.

He acted like such a little brat for the rest of the day. He glared at me everytime I walked by. He made little comments about how stupid this was, asked how many guys I thought were at home doing something so stupid during hunting season, said he didn't know why this had to be done today, etc. I kept telling him to just go and he said no, that I won't let him. He was throwing things-he threw five 18 gallon totes of my son's baby cloths out the door, they popped open and there was clothes in the snow, he broke a plastic fish tank, he broke the whole back door right off, it was pretty rickety to begin with, but now it's fucked. I was crying the whole day. He came and yelled at me because I wasn't getting anything done, he told me that it's because of my own stupidity that I'm still here, he kept telling me to get out, to leave and never come back, he said he's miserable and that he can't live like this, that it's never going to work and he doesn't know why I thought it would or why I didn't just leave a year ago. I asked him nicely several times to please stop because I can't handle him right now, but he said no, that he's not apologizing this time and that he's done kissing my ass. I said I don't even mean apologize, just let up and stop yelling at me because I can't take it. He said "I don't fucking care".

My poor son spent the whole day hiding out in his room (he was supposed to be cleaning it anyway, but still). He asked me what WBF problem was, and said he's being so unreasonable and he almost came out and told him if his mom was here he'd be in big trouble, but he figured he should just stay in his room so he didn't get yelled at. He also said he almost called my dad (which would have been an even bigger disaster).

After hours of this, he finally calmed down a little. I tried to talk to him, I told him that I'm sorry I don't tell him I appreciate him enough but that I do, that I didn't mean to shake my head but that I've just been freaking out about the baby coming early and not being ready, I told him I'm sorry that I don't always acknowledge his feelings like I should (to which he said "like your stupid books say you should!") but that I do care about how he feels. That was it. He continued to watch T.V. then later played a video game and acted like nothing ever happened.

I fell asleep while he played his game, but now I woke up and can't fall back asleep. I keep thinking about how he said it's my own stupidity that I'm still here. I guess he's right. I'm a fucking idiot for putting up with this for so long. I swore I wasn't going to anymore after his A. That I was going to demand better, and he HAS been better. He hasn't had an episode like this in a long time. I keep telling myself that he is just fustrated and stressed and doesn't know how to handle it. But then I think, why doesn't he come to the WS forum like I have suggested to vent his frustrations and get advice? He won't. He says he doesn't have time to just sit on the computer all the time.

If he thinks I'm stupid for staying with him, I think I should just give up now. I thought I was being strong and taking the harder but more worthwhile road, but if he just thinks I'm stupid for it, then fuck it, I guess. AM I stupid for staying and trying to make a relationship that has stood the test of time??

Or is he just frustrated and saying things that he doesn't neccesarily mean? Do any other WS out there think their BS is an idiot for staying with them? I wanted to ask him if he really thought I was stupid for staying with him, but I didn't. He didn't seem to want to talk. I really don't want to give up, but I can't take all this stress. I try, I really do, but how long can I try?

Sorry this ended up so long, I thought maybe if I got most of it out I'd be able to get a little more sleep yet tonight.


Me (BGF) 35yr
Him (WBF) 32yr
Children: 14yr (mine)
Dday #1 (admitted to EA) Sept. 29, 2012
Dday #2 (admitted is was PA) Oct. 1, 2012

Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Midwest
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, December 1st (Sunday)

FWS here. My first question is: has he really done *anything* to help you heal? I know you said he's been different lately, doing more around the house, staying home more, coming home when he said he would. But this meltdown and extreme defensiveness just raises a huge red flag for me. Yes, WSs get frustrated sometimes but this seemed so comompletely over the top to me that I have to wonder if he really gets it. What you described is a classic tantrum - you have a 4 year old, I'm sure you seen one. How is your WBFs behavior any different? He misunderstood a gesture but instead of asking for clarification, he starts ranting and raving, throwing and breaking things. THEN he starts calling you stupid, criticizing you and accuses you of being controlling. Sweety, you're almost 8 months pregnant, worried about your baby and the hormones are still raging. You don't need the added stress of his attitude.

He doesn't get, much less wppreciate, the incredible gift of another chance you've given him. In your situation, I'd suggest you start detaching. You've got enough on your plate right now without having to deal with his childishness.

As for preparing for the baby, don't sweat it. As long as you have the necessities, you're good. Do you have diapers, a crib, formula (if applicable), baby wipes and such, clothes? If so, the rest will sort itself out. I know what it's like, expecting a new baby - been there 4 times myself - and I learned after #2 that I didn't have to have *everything* before I delivered.

As for your anger, it's natural and it should NOT be kept bottled up, especially now. He SHOULD see it, he SHOULD see how hurt and angry you are about what he did. You're protecting him from it and you shouldn't. He doesn't deserve that protection.

Take care of and focus on you and your children right now. Both of them. Make them your priority. If WBF gets whiny, tell him to step up and help. If he doesn't, that will tell you something about where his head is.

Hope everything goes well for the rest of your pregnancy and the baby is as healthy as you could wish.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5886 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
PinkJeepLady
Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, December 1st (Sunday)

(((jost)))
Please get some help, soon. You can call a local domestic violence crisisline or the national one anonymously. What you are describing is ABUSE.
I am afraid for your safety and that of your son. What do you think about your son having to "hide" out from your BF? Is that ok with you? The throwing of the clothes outside is him trying to show power over you and degrade you by making you pick them up. Him telling you that you are stupid for staying is emotional abuse.
Treating another person like that is not acceptable, let alone the pregnant mother of his child.
YOU deserve to be treated with RESPECT and DIGNITY at all times. You have done nothing wrong. If there was a misunderstanding about what your plans were yesterday then it could have been talked about. Throwing things and breaking doors is not acceptable behavior.
Please send me a pm if I can be of further help. I want you to know that there are options out there and you and your son deserve to live in peace. Please reach out to someone and take care!!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 484 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
TheRealDeal
Member
Member # 39560
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, December 1st (Sunday)

((((jost))))

I must agree with PinkJeepLady response. Your WBF response is ABUSIVE.

No one - and I mean no one - male or female - young or old - deserves that type of treatment.

Throwing out baby clothes into the snow? Ripping a door off it's hinges? Breaking a fish tank? Yelling that you are stupid? Your son too afraid to come out of his room?

That is ABUSE pure and simple. None of those is an acceptable response to a disagreement. NEVER.

Please call a domestic violence hotline for their advice. Otherwise your WBF may believe his response was "okay" because it was tolerated and it may only escalate the next time.

Please take care; protect yourself, your son and your baby.



Me: 45, him: 54
together 18 years
DDay1 March 2013, Dday2 April 27, 2013, Dday3 June 1, 2013
We are in R and trying to make it
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Posts: 249 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
jost1125
Member
Member # 38710
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

Clarrissa-as far as what he's done to help me heal, he has read the things I have asked him to, he will answer any direct questions that I ask, although I don't ask most of them, because as you said, I am trying to protect him, I know he feels guilt and shame, and I don't want to bring it up a lot. I also don't like the thought of him even thinking about OW, so that's another reason I don't bring it up when I feel the need. I know that I shouldn't hide it from him and I don't know why I do, I guess just because it makes him feel bad and depressed and miserable, and I'm afraid that if he's depressed and miserable that he will decide to give up on R. I would like it if he would explain more when I do ask questions, and be more proactive. He is really alot different. Yesterday he reverted back to how he was before dday, but generally, since dday he has really been trying to be patient and understanding-things he is not used to doing at all. He also has started helping out around the house to take some of the load off me, and he has helped out alot with my son in the last year (he's had some troubles adjusting to high school and WBF has been a tremendous help).
And yes, it is exactly like a little kid having a temper tantrum.
As for baby preperations-no, we don't have the crib, that's one of the things that we have to do one of these days. We have one, we just have to go get it. We know we are getting a bassinet and diapers and clothes and a monitor at my baby shower next weekend, but my problem is that we don't have room for all of it. We have to go through stuff and get rid of things in order to have room to put all of the things we need without tripping over everything all the time. I know it's okay if the house isn't the tidiest, and he said if it isn't done by the time she comes, he'll do it then, but I want him to be able to spend his time being a new dad, not trying to organize our clutter.
PinkJeepLady-I know that the way he acted is abuse. I am not fearful of him and I know that he will not physically harm my son or I, but I understand what you are saying. I realized that and swore I wouldn't put up with it anymore after dday, and I haven't until now. No, it's not okay with me that my son feels like he has to hide out in his room. This doesn't normally happen, he used to throw these fits all the time, but it was usually when my son was either sleeping or not home. I know it doesn't make it any better, but after he threw the clothes outside I told him we were leaving and took my son to the store for some things he needed for a project and we stopped and had lunch. We talked on the way and I told him that WBF is sressed out from work and with the baby coming, but that's still not an excuse to behave that way and that I won't stay there while he acts like that. When we got home the clothes were picked up and back in the totes, the ones that were in the snow were in the dryer and he folded them and put them back. Things escalated again throughout the rest of the day and I packed a bag of necesseties to go stay somewhere else later, but then he calmed down and we ended up staying. My son actually made fun of WBF this morning and laughed at him for how he acted yesterday.
Treating people with respect and dignity is not something that he was ever taught to do, but he is trying to learn how. I'm not sure how a person learns that, but his insurance doesn't pay fot IC, so he's basically just trying to learn to be nice. I think yesterday's blow-up was because he doesn't really know how to let his feelings out in the first place, then when he tries, I don't acknowledge them as well as I probably should, plus I don't give him as much affection as he would like, which makes him feel like I don't care, which makes it seem like it's a wasted effort to even try to R. I think he keeps so much in that it just all came out yesterday in the way that it's been ingrained in him to deal with things. I still have faith that he can become the man I have always wanted him to be, and the man he wants to be, but on days like yesterday it's hard to keep that faith.
I think my main issue was when he said I'm stupid for still being with him. Does he think I don't think that myself? I feel like a stupid idiot for putting up with his shit for so long, and especially now for staying with him after he cheated on me (something I swore I would never do, I never understood why anyone would). I have worried that he thinks I'm stupid, but I've convinced myself that I am being strong and that our relationship will grow and become better than ever and be fulfilling to both of us. I've convinced myself that he will appreciate me and see how lucky he is to have such an understanding and kind partner. But if he thinks less of me and thinks I'm stupid, then maybe there is no hope. Maybe he was right.


Me (BGF) 35yr
Him (WBF) 32yr
Children: 14yr (mine)
Dday #1 (admitted to EA) Sept. 29, 2012
Dday #2 (admitted is was PA) Oct. 1, 2012

Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Midwest
PinkJeepLady
Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

Hey now, you are not stupid at all. If that was true, we would have a forum called "stupid people who stay"! lol We aren't stupid for trying to give our waywards a chance. It actually means we are considerate and loyal. Trying to work things out is not stupid, it's a choice to try to heal and hopefully reconcile.
I am glad you recognize that there is no excuse for his behavior. The world is full of people who are stressed and sad. I hope he knows he does need to learn some coping skills and fast. There might be an men's anger support group in your area where he could get some free advice. Do you have a religious community where you can get some help? It's usually free too. It sounds like he really needs some outside support and I hope you can find something. Keep looking!
May I gently say something to you? Please consider what you said when you mentioned your son made fun of him for how he was acting. Do you want to be with someone who your son makes fun of? Just think about it a bit.
I am not telling you to stay or go, you will know in your heart what to do. Posting here is a good way to write out what is happening so you can see it for yourself in black and white. It's also good to get support and ideas from others. But, in the end what you do is up to you. Remember, you don't have to "settle" for anything. So glad you have an exit plan, just in case. Good for you, see, you are smart! I bet you are beautiful too and you sound like a wonderful mother. Focus on you!
I am hoping for the best for you all! I also hope you bf gets the support and help he needs to show you the love and respect you deserve. Hang onto your faith! I completely understand believing in the man your husband can be. We all go to bed at night hoping and believing for a better day tomorrow, nothing wrong with that!
Take care,


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 484 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

I'm glad he appears to be stepping up to the plate but a few things in your last post kinda struck me.

First, you not wanting to bring up the A to spare his feelings. While that shows you to be a kind, considerate person, you should to bring it up and ask questions whenever you need the answers if that's what you need to heal. Remember, he didn't consider *your* feelings when he cheated. And he should answer those questions with no defensiveness or attitude.

As for his reading what you suggest, has he actually implemented any of the suggestions on what he needs to be doing? (As an aside, I would recommend How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. Short and to the point: This is what you did, this is how your BS feels, this is what you need to do to fix it.) Have you suggested he join SI? Or does he not know of the site? If not, suggest it to him. If you want to keep this your safe place, you don't have to tell him who you are here. He'll get the guidance he needs even if it means getting 2x4s.

As for thinking about the AP, that's almost inevitable if you discuss the A. The caveat on that is *how* he thinks of her. Is it with fondness? Remembering the "good times"? Pining for her? Or is it with shame at what she helped perpetrate? Disgust? Hate? Five years out, I (very) occasionally think of my AP but I'm very nearly at the "meh" stage. I really don't care one way or the other about him.

Communication seems to be an issue with both of you and communication is key for R to succeed. I know you said lack of insurance is hindering your ability to get councelling but there are other resources you can use - church or perhaps through your job or his. Ask your doctor for recommendations. Perhaps s/he knows of someone who uses a sliding scale so you can afford it. Outside that, both of you read everything you can get your hands on concerning the subject.

Bottom line is, he caused the damage so most of the work to repair it is his. He should be the one going above and beyond to prove he deserves a second chance, he's the one who should be trying to win you back. You shouldn't be the one who has to keep the peace and tiptoe around his feelings. Why should you after he stomped all over yours?


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5886 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
jost1125
Member
Member # 38710
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

Thank you for confirming that I am not stupid. My head knows that most of the time, but, geez, sometimes I feel like such an idiot!
I know that he knows that the way he acted is not right and he shouldn't do it, but I don't think he realizes that he may need help in order to change it. He sees how his dad acts and hates it, and I think he has realized how much he is like him and doesnt want to be.
Any mention of a church group for support is shot down immediately, he doesn't like anything to do with church. I have asked him to post here in WS forum, but he won't, I'm not sure why, he just says he doesn't have time to sit on the computer all the time. He won't discuss his problems with "strangers" so even if his insurance covered IC he probably wouldn't go. He has read How to Help Your Spouse Heal but seems to have forgotten a lot of what it said. I went back through it and highlighted things that I wanted him to really think about and remember and asked him to read it again, but he hasn't.
Communication is definately an issue with both of us! Something that I have researched and talked to my IC about, but we are really struggling with it. Good communication skills are completely foreign to both of us.
Thank you so much for your support, he reads everything I write here, so I know he will eventually read your responses and maybe it will do some good, thank you


Me (BGF) 35yr
Him (WBF) 32yr
Children: 14yr (mine)
Dday #1 (admitted to EA) Sept. 29, 2012
Dday #2 (admitted is was PA) Oct. 1, 2012

Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Midwest
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

Does your WBF understand that only a very few WS can get through this with no help? I don't really like opening myself up to "strangers" either but I did when H and I went to MC. He shouldn't think of the MC as a stranger but instead as a neutral third party. One that can help you both communicate in a healthy manner.

I just get the feeling he doesn't want to do the hard work he needs to do to repair the damage h-e caused. Part of that work is stepping outside his comfort zone. He keeps coming up with excuses and reasons why he can't/won't do something. That tells me he's not 100% committed to R. Words mean nothing, even at a year out. You have to look at what he's doing, *really* doing. And from my POV, he's not doing that much.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 7:14 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5886 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

Yesterday he reverted back to how he was before dday

When I read about a WS acting crazy-town the way yours just did, my first thought is, "He''s cheating again."

Your primary concern should be for your health until the baby comes. I don''t generally advocate conflict avoidance, but IMO you should either circle your wagons of family and friends and kick his ass out tomorrow, or grin and bear it till your maternity leave is over. If he''s still this way in a few months...then show him just how stupid you aren''t.

He says he doesn''t have time to just sit on the computer all the time.

But staring at a hole in the ice all afternoon? That he can fit in. Are you tracking his phone?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
jost1125
Member
Member # 38710
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, December 2nd (Monday)

No, I don't think he understands that not many people can get through this without help. I'm the one who has done most of the reading/research and I've tried to tell him what I've learned but I don't think he gets how much work there is to do, or what that work really is. He sees me still depressed and thinks that the things he has done aren't helping. He said one time, a long time ago, that the more work he puts in, the harder it will be for him when I decide it's not going to work. I think he's so convinced that I'll end up wanting to break up that he's scared to put himself out there too much?
I've read here that the WS needs to learn to let go of the outcome and just do the work to be a better person for themselves. I don't know how to get him to understand that, or to understand how confident I am that if he did all the work, we would be able to get through this. Its him NOT doing the work that's going to make it not work out.
20wrongs, I'm really not thinking he's still cheating, he doesn't really go anywhere very much, and when he does I'm pretty confident that he's doing what he says. It's mostly hunting and fishing, and he texts me to let me know what's going on-that he just saw two deer or whatever, and then when he shot one called me and I went there to help track it. He took my son with him fishing and they came back with lots of fish. I don't track his phone, I don't even look at it anymore. He just has a tracfone (what we've always had) and I know that if there's anything there that he doesn't want me to see he will just delete it like he did before, so why waste my time looking.
"Staring at a hole in the ice all afternoon" yes, he can fit that in! That's why he was freakin out so bad, because he hasn't been able to do anything that he enjoys and he knows it will be even worse once the baby's born, is what he said. He hasn't hunted as much as he normally would have either and he blames that on me and my anxiety over him being gone. He said he could have gone but then he knows I'd just be sitting around crying all day and then he'd be the asshole. Guess what? I sat and cried all day anyway because he really was being an asshole! I've tried to explain that I don't mind him going to do those kinds of things, as long as he doesn't end up in a bar, but that when he is home, I'd like him to be reading or something. That's when I get frustrated-when he can go hunting and what-not, but then just sits and stares at the T.V. when he is home. If he doesn't go do anything, but still just sits and stares at the T.V. all the time, that's still not doing anything. (another thing he said-all I care about is him helping me heal, I don't care about what he wants or needs). I think he thinks that I just want him to help me and then I'll leave him. I've assured him many times that I just don't see that happening, but he's too damn stubborn to listen.
Thanks again for all your support, I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. The only people who know of the A are people who think I'm an idiot for staying.


Me (BGF) 35yr
Him (WBF) 32yr
Children: 14yr (mine)
Dday #1 (admitted to EA) Sept. 29, 2012
Dday #2 (admitted is was PA) Oct. 1, 2012

Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Midwest
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, December 2nd (Monday)

Can you please read over your first post as if it were posted by a stranger? Think long and hard about his behaviors. I agree with others that this is abuse, pure and simple. Why are they OK with you? Why do you think this person is worth staying with?
AM I stupid for staying and trying to make a relationship that has stood the test of time??

"stood the test of time"? Or you put up with it, made all of the compromises, sacrificed to make it work? With 99% of the effort coming from you, and you adapting to him and his needs, never the other way around?

What really got me was this part:

My poor son spent the whole day hiding out in his room (he was supposed to be cleaning it anyway, but still). He asked me what WBF problem was, and said he's being so unreasonable and he almost came out and told him if his mom was here he'd be in big trouble, but he figured he should just stay in his room so he didn't get yelled at

Geez, that totaly took me back to my childhood, hiding in the room to stay out of my dad's way. Please do NOT underestimate how damaging this is to a kid's psyche. I'm still getting over it.

Your WH is incredibly disrespectful of you, telling you you're stupid for staying with him. You are not stupid, you are just loyal, which is a great quality. But at some point loyalty should be trumped by self-preservation. Your WH is an entitled, childish, abusive ass. You should be ANGRY at how he's treating you, not apologetic because "you're not being affectionate enough". SERIOUSLY? The guy's demanding AFFECTION? That just tells you how far up his ass his brain is. And to tell you you're stupid for staying with him? Do NOT tolerate this. If he doesn't appreciate what you're giving him -- the gift of R -- then he doesn't deserve you. You deserve better. Please start demanding it.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Aug 2012
jost1125
Member
Member # 38710
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

I know you are all right, I really do. In the past I have put up with it because I didn't really know any better, I guess. It sounds stupid now, but he's not as bad as my dad was, so our relationship was better than what I had witnessed and been used to. It seemed like that was as good as it was going to get and I would just have to live with it. That I didn't deserve more, maybe?
Now I sort of feel like we have spent so many years together and been through so many things. I feel like we are both damaged and that we could understand each other and help each other to be better people if we would learn how to do it. I really do love him, and I think he really loves me.
I do feel like our whole relationship has been me doing all the compromising and putting in most of the effort. It's when I got sick of putting in all the effort and adapting to him, when I stopped catering to him and decided to do something for myself (go back to school) that he decided to have an A. After dday, I thought things would change. I thought he would see that the dynamic of our relationship was off and that he would start putting in the same effort that I was before. For the most part of the last year, he has. By this I mean that if it weren't for me having to deal with his infidelity, our relationship would be a thousand times better now. He actually seems to care about my feelings and treats me like another human being most of the time.
I should also say that pre-A, I was no angel either. I didn't freak out and throw things or punch walls or anything, but when he acted like that, I screamed right back at him. I called him names right back. Like I said, my son was always either sleeping (because it was after bar close when WBF got home drunk as a skunk), in which case I made sure it was not screaming, it was quiet so as not to wake him, or he was gone for the weekend at his dad's house. I too, had to hide out in my room all the time, afraid of my dad, not being able to say anything without getting him mad and I do not want my son to have to live like that. Living like that is probably the reason why I have put up with this for so long.
WBF has not said a word about Saturday. Yesterday evening he needed to go on the computer and so he looked to see if I'd written anything here lately. He read this whole thread. He then sat and played a video game while I made dinner, then watched t.v. I was sitting on the other end of the couch and he asked me why I was so far away, but he didn't come to my side to sit by me. He continued to watch t.v. until he fell asleep. He did say I love you before he fell asleep. I thought after reading this he would at least have SOMETHING to say, maybe tell me that he really doesn't think I'm stupid for still being with him, maybe apologize for the way he acted, maybe tell me that he wants to learn what the "work" is and how to do it. Nope, nothing. Maybe I SHOULD just start to detach. In fact, I find myself doing it subconciously anyway. Last night after he fell asleep, and today, I kind of just feel like-whatever. There's no hope, maybe he's just not capable of any more. I told myself I wouldn't settle for it anymore, but now we have a baby on the way and if there's any chance for us to be a family I don't want to throw it away. I had such a wonderful vision of what our future could be and it's really hard to let that go.


Me (BGF) 35yr
Him (WBF) 32yr
Children: 14yr (mine)
Dday #1 (admitted to EA) Sept. 29, 2012
Dday #2 (admitted is was PA) Oct. 1, 2012

Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Midwest
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Okay, he read through this entire thread and had NOTHING to say??? My guess is, in part, that he didn't like the responses. Either that or he didn't connect what was said to himself... though how that can be, I dunno, if he knows your user name. Oh, I know. It's "They don't know what they're talking about."

It's obvious to me from your posts that he just doesn't or *won't* get it. A relationship is supposed to be equal, both partners doing the give and take to make things work. From what you've said, he's the taker, you're the giver. Even after his A, he expects this dynamic to continue. Stop catering to him! You deserve much better than what you're getting.

As for his tantrum the other day, you said he cleaned up the mess and "made nice". Well, every child does that after throwing a hissy fit, in the hope that Mommy and Daddy will forget what a little shit they were.

If he wants this to work, he's going to have to man up - *grow* up - and start doing what he needs to do to make it work. If that means cutting back on his hobbies, then so be it. Having and raising a child means less time to do what you want. That's just the way it is. If he can't get that simple fact through his head then he might as well be gone because he will be little to no help when the baby arrives.

Take care of you and your babies. Detach if you have to and remember, we've got your back.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5886 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

(((jost)))
WoW he threw a big ass tantrum! So next time you will know better then To demand him to stay home! You realize he is manipulating you right? My son did this when he was a freshmen in high school. He needs to grow up, And you need a real man. Sorry but I would move him out. I would not want my child to have a male role model that acts like a freakin child!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
jost1125
Member
Member # 38710
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Don't have much time, as I am getting ready to go to work, but wanted to say thanks again. I finally said something to WBF last night and he said that I know that he says things that he doesn't mean when he's mad so I should know that he doesn't think I'm stupid and that he didn't mean any of the other stuff he said. He said he's sorry and that he's ashamed he acted the way he did, that he lost control of his emotions and that he doesn't want to be like that.

I talked to my IC about it and he basically said that WBF has made tremendous strides in growing up over the last year and that he believes he is capable of more. The thing is, he made it sound like it's my job to teach him the "more". He said I have to be patient and handle him the right way. That WBF is your typical guy's guy, hunter, fisherman, and that I'm expecting him to turn into a poet overnight and that's not going to happen. I really like my IC, but sometimes I wonder if he's really helping or not. He talked about EMDR, but we've only done it once-like two months ago. All he does is ask me what's going on and tells me things like this


Me (BGF) 35yr
Him (WBF) 32yr
Children: 14yr (mine)
Dday #1 (admitted to EA) Sept. 29, 2012
Dday #2 (admitted is was PA) Oct. 1, 2012

Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Midwest
stunnedin12
Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

he said that I know that he says things that he doesn't mean when he's mad so I should know that he doesn't think I'm stupid and that he didn't mean any of the other stuff he said. He said he's sorry and that he's ashamed he acted the way he did, that he lost control of his emotions and that he doesn't want to be like that.

I talked to my IC about it and he basically said that WBF has made tremendous strides in growing up over the last year and that he believes he is capable of more. The thing is, he made it sound like it's my job to teach him the "more". He said I have to be patient and handle him the right way. That WBF is your typical guy's guy, hunter, fisherman, and that I'm expecting him to turn into a poet overnight and that's not going to happen. I really like my IC, but sometimes I wonder if he's really helping or not

Manipulation - pure and simple.

It is NOT your job to grow your wbf up. It is simply NOT your job.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 455 | Registered: Jan 2013
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Holy crap. Ignore every word out of your IC's mouth. Has your IC counseled your boyfriend? How on earth does he know what he is capable of? Or interested in doing? And I'm sorry, but if there are screaming matches, even at whisper level, your child knows. Don't fool yourself like that. You are much to bright for that. Kids KNOW. They can feel tension just like the rest of us. Probably more so, in fact.

I'd consider finding another counselor. And accept that your dynamic is very, very unhealthy. I know you are pregnant, so do get some rest and just spend some time thinking. Don't react to WBF. I would consider the 180 - focus on yourself and your children right now. Not the man-child.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Yes, your WBF may be capable of more but the thing is, he has to *want* to do more. If he doesn't want to then there's nothing you can do. As stunned said, you can't *make* him grow up and take responsibility. He either will or he won't. You're his partner, not his parent.

In your sitch, I'd seriously consider the 180. This is for YOU, to help you realize you can do just fine without him, even pregnant and with a 4 year old. It will help you see you don't NEED him to thrive. If it pulls his head out of his ass as a consequence then that's gravy. Draw your line in the sand, tell him what you need him to do and what the consequences are for non-compliance.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5886 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Jost1125,

I feel extremely sorry for your Son age 14, who is being subjected to this abusive Bully. This is highly unfair. This man is being verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive...and when he starts throwing things, breaking down doors...he's getting extremely CLOSE to physical abuse, in my opinion.
By no means is this a safe environment to bring a newborn baby into.

This may seem harsh to you...But this relationship is not in Reconciliation, in my opinion:
I truly believe you give the SAFTEY of your son and your unborn child top priority - this is NOT a healthy situation.
Unless your WBF agrees to seek THERAPY immediately...I'd suggest you find somewhere else to live.

I'm sincerely sorry for the pain and turmoil you're going through - but SAFTEY should be your TOP PRIORITY.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6116 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 20