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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Do you feel like the life you wanted was so outrageous?
Lostandpregnant
Member
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, December 1st (Sunday)

I've been mulling this over.
Here is what I wanted in my relationship and future:
To be a happy, close family. To be a loving, supportive wife and Mom.
For us to raise the children in a healthy, happy environment where we tackle the hard times together.
To love and be loved.
For him to be loyal and honest and faithful, and of course give him those same things.

Those are the only things I wanted.


I don't know how he can move on like this and give up his life of having children and a partner that adore and worship him. Watching movies with all the kids. Playing games. Being a family.

How could he give that up..for a life of nothing?

I guess we all want different things. Maybe the life I wanted was cheesy and stupid to him (even though he claimed to love it as well)..maybe this life of being with whoever he wants whenever he wants is more fulfilling to him?
I can't really fathom that.

I know this is rambling and doesn't make much sense..I'm not very articulate these days.


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, December 1st (Sunday)

Lostandpregnant,

No...those are the things I wanted too. In the beginning I would cry and cry and say we never got to be a family. Not at all. I think I have 3 pictures of DS and us together.

I keep thinking that it's impossible to have these things with my son's father. This had to happen so I could have these things with someone else. Someone who values family and being there for their partner and dependents.

If you read this site long enough you see that there are so many of us out there that want the same things. Don't lose hope. I know it feels hopeless but eventually you will come to realize that if you spend too much time trying to figure him out it will make you crazy.

People look at me and DS and they shake their heads. Ask me questions like, why, why did he do this? What's his problem? I don't have those answers and I doubt he does. He's just a selfish boy running away from responsibility.

(((LostandPregnant)))


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 36
10 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!!
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 313 | Registered: Apr 2013
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, December 1st (Sunday)

None of those things are outrageous - I think thats the deal all of us signed up for.

How could he give that up..for a life of nothing?

I have come to realise he was never going to give me those things or have them himself. He is simply incapable of it. He loathes himself - I had a shitshow in hell of him loving me. No matter how much or how dependably I loved him.

I was a bandaid to his big gaping black hole inside of him for almost a decade. The more I saw behind his mask the less suitable I was to perform my designated duty of being his bandaid.

NewMom is right - you'll never make sense of it because it is nonsensical. You'll drive yourself crazy trying.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4554 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Lostandpregnant
Member
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, December 1st (Sunday)

Thanks for your replies.
I was just starting to think maybe I'm delusional, and that it's such a stupid thing that I wanted, a dream that doesn't exist.
I can't fathom ever wanting another relationship..so I'm trying to tell myself that I can still make that life as a single mom of soon to be *7* kids under 14yrso and make it happen for them.


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, December 1st (Sunday)

I remember at our wedding the officiator included the quote "grow old along with me, the best is yet to be." Of all things he said that day, those were the words that stuck with me all these years. Was that too much to ask? Was valuing your wife and kids too much to ask? The time he spent experiencing the elicit sexual pleasure he was seeking can be measured in hours, but what he gave up is measured in decades. How could it possibly have been worth it? Everything from the big events like graduations and weddings to the little moments like reading the paper and drinking coffee on weekends - gone...gone...gone. Was it quaint to think an intact family was a worthwhile way to live? Was I naive? These things haunt me too, Lost. I guess we are just wired differently than they are.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small.


Posts: 553 | Registered: May 2013 | From: A state of overwhelmed
Lostandpregnant
Member
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, December 1st (Sunday)

Funny/sad you said that, about growing old together.
That was always in my mind as well. I always imagined we'd be that old couple still kissing and holding hands, because we loved each other so much.

Everything changes in a heartbeat, doesn't it?


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
burntandtorn
New Member
Member # 41502
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, December 1st (Sunday)

In my situation, we're trying to reconcile. I hate that I feel like now, the weight of holding together our family is on my shoulders.

I feel like if we split up now because of her affairs, that I'm breaking up our family (since she's willing to reconcile).


Married 12 years, together 14
BH 34
WW 35 (multiple ONS)
2 children, 8 and 10.
In MC. Trying to reconcile.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: missouri
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

Nope -- I was actually willing to settle for surprisingly little in my marriage.

All I wanted was someone who was faithful and treated me well. For the last year in particular, but our entire marriage in general, I made excuses that he didn't treat me well due to FOO issues, because I knew he was faithful, we loved each other (even though his actions suggested otherwise), and I meant it when I got married.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3099 | Registered: Dec 2011
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

I posted something similar to this in my blog last week. All I wanted was someone to love, who would love me, we'd raise our kids together and grow old together. Sounds pretty simple. My parents and most of my aunts and uncles have all done it.

WXH wanted freedom. He doesn't want responsibility to people. To things? Okay. He'll take on a mortgage and job and car, but he wants his weekends free to lounge around his yard, drink his coffee, go on vacations and weekends away at the drop of a hat. A wife and kids don't fit into that.

I get sad sometimes that it was all thrown away for nothing, but in the final end, I have invested in the things/people that are important. His house and car and job aren't going to care about him when he's old and lonely someday.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2498 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Lostandpregnant
Member
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

It makes me feel so sad to see other happy couples. I feel so deserted and alone.


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

I wanted what you all want.

In my case, my ex wanted that too but he also wanted the other women on the side. He has always said he would never have left. I believe him. Is that supposed to make me feel better? That he was willing to risk everything for sex on the side.

I don't think he was ever faithful or emotionally committed to me in the way I was 100% all in with him.

It hurts. I find being around married couples very painful. The only way I know to deal with it is not to compare. I don't know what is really going on with other people.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

(((Lostandpregnant)))

This is what I can''t get past either. All I wanted is what you described above so many seem to have, or even less. We used to talk about never getting a divorce. In the beginning things were better and I looked forward to forever. Even after he cheated the first time I made excuses for him and was still his number one fan and advocate. Later when he became verbally abusive and I ended up cleaning up after him and doing most of the childcare as well as earning more I still never would have left. I took my vows seriously and was determined to make it work, especially after my beautiful boy was born. He, on the other hand who used to say how happily married he was, prioritized these meaningless flings. Why was a virtual stranger worth throwing away our life together? I guess because he knew I was clinging to my dreams of our family and thought I would continue to put up with his behavior forever. Fucking cake eater.

Like you I feel so sad when I see intact families and at those times I feel I''d do anything to have a family again


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Lostandpregnant
Member
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

I never would have left, either.
I was 120% committed to doing whatever it took.
I feel like crap today.


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
MakingLemonade
Member
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

Those are the things I dreamed for, devoted myself to, and thought I had. Now I realize, it was only me. XWH just played along.

But you know what? I still have those things when it comes to me and my kids(except the wife part, of course). It's just that he isn't (and hasn't been) a part of it. My kids realize it. Don't want him back. And they cherish what the three of us have.

Funny, tween mentioned the movie Family Man with Nicholas Cage was on today. XWH would watch that movie whenever he caught it on and I thought it was validation of his commitment to his marriage and family. Today I question whether he was fantasizing being the skank Nicholas Cage character instead. Ha! It's what he is left with now.

(editing to fix typos)

[This message edited by MakingLemonade at 3:58 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]


Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

I was just starting to think maybe I'm delusional

no, no, and no!
Have you gotten that book I suggested on Narcissists?
If you read, and read, and read some more you will begin to realize that this is exactly how they behave and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
I don't know how he can move on like this

They treat people with three (repeating) phases:
1. They idealize/worship you
2. They devalue you (often through indifference and silent treatment)
3. They discard you (with lightning speed and never look back).

Victims are left in a dust cloud with a shattered self-image, wondering what they did wrong (I can tell you:nothing sweetie - it's all classic narcissist behavior... the OP is next but right now she is in the idealization phase and is loving it!).

When I read your posts, I can remember my own thoughts during my DD and subsequent D/S


It makes me feel so sad to see other happy couples

Don't... so many "happy couples" are miserable behind closed doors. My ex would put on a show whenever there was an audience. Then go silent or belittle me or sabotage me (but blame me for it) when we were alone. To outsiders we were that "happy couple"

I can't fathom ever wanting another relationship

I felt the same! My IC told me to not think too far to the past (because it was filled with hopes and dreams for a future that was now shattered) and not to think to far ahead into the future (which seems terrifyingly alone). So I will give you that same advice. Just get through today, then tomorrow, then the week... the the month. Before you know if you'll be settled with your D finalized and those beautiful new babies in your arms.

and to give you hope for the future... it took me over two years since D to even be interested in looking but I just meet someone and started dating!

You will get through this! Just read all you can about NPD, narcissists, psychopaths and you may start to see the same pattern in your ex that I'm seeing from reading your posts. Everyone's advice is the same for dealing with an NPD: RUN, RUN, RUN!

(((hugss)))
PR


Posts: 410 | Registered: Jun 2012
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

I don't think about this much anymore, but it was definitely playing on repeat in my head the first year or so after DDay. I didn't feel like what I wanted out of life was crazy or unreasonable. What I wanted was simple, or at least, I thought it was. I couldn't believe that my then-husband was not only willing to throw it out, but his actions made me feel like what we had was terrible-- like I was some sort of abusive, psychotic witch who had denied him every pleasure in life or forced him through physical violence or blackmail to sacrifice everything he had ever loved. Even though I knew our lives weren't perfect, I thought that we had a lot to live for and that we both felt the same way about it.

In the end, though, I know that what I wanted wasn't outrageous-- what my XWH felt he was entitled to was outrageous. No life, no spouse, will ever be perfect. We will never get what we want all the time. Life will hand us disappointments and setbacks, but it's how we respond to them and the people we surround ourselves with who will help us get through them is what makes the difference.

My XWH never figured that out-- never realized that, despite the fact that I wasn't a perfect wife, I was a wife who had his back, no matter what. I accepted him despite his imperfections, and I would be there for him in the worst of times. He just knows what he wants--the sparkle, the fun, the escape from reality, and his choice to remarry quickly and to try to rewrite the narrative of his life and our past together is clear evidence of that.

That's what is outrageous, LAP: that there people who live in this world, thinking that everyone owes them something and that life should hand them happiness. Unfortunately, we celebrate and encourage that sort of narcissism in our culture instead of embracing simple decency in how we treat others and honor our relationships.

(((Lostandpregnant)))


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3398 | Registered: Oct 2011
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

My XWH never figured that out-- never realized that, despite the fact that I wasn't a perfect wife, I was a wife who had his back, no matter what. I accepted him despite his imperfections, and I would be there for him in the worst of times. He just knows what he wants--the sparkle, the fun, the escape from reality, and his choice to remarry quickly and to try to rewrite the narrative of his life and our past together is clear evidence of that.

Yeah, me too, TA74. I always had his back but he could only find fault with everything about me. I now know he is controlling and that I was emotionally, verbally and mentally abused for our whole M. I always believed in him and encouraged him. I doubt we would ever have had what we did or that he ever would have amounted to much on his own.

All I wanted was someone who was faithful and treated me well. For the last year in particular, but our entire marriage in general, I made excuses that he didn't treat me well due to FOO issues, because I knew he was faithful, we loved each other (even though his actions suggested otherwise), and I meant it when I got married.

Sadly, like phmh, this was my life. The last 4 or five years, but the last one in particular, he treated me horribly but still I stayed because I hoped it would get better. We were married! That's what you do, for better or for worse.

((((Lostandpregnant)))) Take care of yourself and your children. Especially those two precious lives you are carrying. He's a special kind of POS to do that to you.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 1966 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
TheAgonyOfIt
Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 3:21 AM, December 2nd (Monday)

Most everyone wants the proverbial white picket fence. Very, very few get all, or even most of what it represents. Try not to be envious of other happy couples. Know that everyone, everyone has challenges , maybe not infidelity, but maybe horrible illness or other great hardships. Life is harder for some, yes, but hard for everyone, and we don't realize because people do not share their problems outside of their most intimate circles, others stay in denial and others live quiet lives of desperation, all the while posting toothy grins on facebook.

People ARE naive. And If not faced with hardship, why wouldn't they be? Then things happen, we learn Life can be hard, and people are complex. Most come from some type of dysfunctional family in some aspects and carry their dysfunctions along into their adult lives, which, when paired with real life stressors, leads to al kinds of acting out, addictions, regression.

What we hope for in our lives as you posted is not outrageous, its just that it tends to actually be much harder to get and maintain than most of us could have imagined.

Letting go of some of those white pocket fence dreams is, I think, a sort of rite of passage into continuing adulthood and maturation. And then we finally end up with WISDOM. ( yeah, yippee!)

The original goals don't seem that hard! So when jerks or just life's complexities interinterfere, it feels like a travesty when its actually in many ways Just Life.

This is how I see it. It seems like it shouldn't have to be this hard. But it often is. Pity really. Is this when we blame Adam and eve?


Me BS 49,Him: narcissist! Truly. 4.5yr LTA. DDays 4/2013, true Jekyll Hyde. Working through my anger at myself for making entirely too many compromises, and so so many excuses for him. Upset at my blindness.

Posts: 525 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Topic Posts: 18