New Beginnings
User Topic: Am I off base?
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

Maybe it is my lack of experience but before the ending of my marriage I lived a fairy tale life for close to 20 years.

We never had Marriage Counseling etc.

I know very few divorced people or families.

Vows were taken in good faith. Is it weird to want to pass knowing you were married that one time to your bestfriend and leave it at that like it was meant? Or if you find someone is marrying them like erasing the first?

I feel more like a widow then someone divorced. I don't know if I want to be married twice regardless of the person or am I just weird and missing out on life?

Posts: 1006 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, December 2nd (Monday)

I can accept that sometimes relationships do not work out. I can accept that regardless of how that occurred I have to move on in my life and am open to new relationships. I still do not accept that betrayal is an acceptable part of any relationship.

I believed heavily in our vows and I thought my husband did too. XWH and I did have marriage counseling and we were quite proud of that fact that we were tuning up our marriage and doing our best to address any issues. He just never addressed the fact that he was fucking other women at the same time...

At this point, I choose not to see my marriage as erased. I choose to remember what was good prior to the crazy. Because there was good. But I don't romanticize it for the future either - it unfortunately haunts me. And, yes, I've often thought I would have preferred to be a widow. It would be much easier to think he was gone because he had no control in the situation - unfortunately, that is not the case.

I choose to hope that I can find someone who I can share a future with, that is worthy of sharing a future with, at some point. I would like it to have been the man I married, but that is no longer realistic and I have to live with the reality - and now that I know who he really is, I realize I'm better off without him.

I don't know if I've addressed your question fireproof - maybe I'm just rambling.

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4609 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Sad in AZ
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, December 2nd (Monday)

Just as rug-sweeping is not good when you have problems in a relationship, rug-sweeping your past will not work--you always leave a bump in the rug that you will trip over.

Your past will follow you around, even if you try to ditch it. You have a choice: You can wear it as a beautiful cloak that enhances your life, or you can wear it like chains that will drag you down and keep you from becoming the best that you can be. Choose wisely.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20287 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, December 2nd (Monday)

I think that is a personal choice. I know some people that never date again after their first one doesn't work out. My first MIL never dated again after her husband betrayed her. She seemed okay but she also seemed lonely to me. She also died way too early and I swear I think it was from a broken heart.

I know my life is richer when there is someone special in it. Right now I am trying again and I won't lie to you, it is scary and difficult. I think it is worth it, but there are no guarantees that this one will work out either.

I don't think anyone can really answer this for is a personal decision, but it is interesting getting other people's thoughts on it.

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15290 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, December 2nd (Monday)

I had a good marriage prior to XWH going "off the rails." I remember thinking that a lot of the people on this site were married to monsters, the way they talked about their spouses.

After some time has passed (8 1/2 years), I realize that I compromised a LOT in my marriage. I got along and went along. That says more about me than about the relationship. And I would have stayed in that marriage had the A not happened. But no one can predict how that would have played out and now it's not an option.

I view marriage much differently than most people. I see it as a legal institution which really doesn't take into account the feelings of the individuals. When I took my vows the first time I MEANT them. I can't imagine saying them again.

However, that doesn't preclude me from being in a relationship. I am living with my SO. I couldn't be any more committed to him than I am right now. The only reason I could see to getting a legal document saying we are married is for legal purposes.

We show through our actions (not words) that we love and honor each other. He has restored my faith in men. He is twice the man my XWH ever was.


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7742 | Registered: Aug 2005
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, December 2nd (Monday)

Vows were taken in good faith. Is it weird to want to pass knowing you were married that one time to your bestfriend and leave it at that like it was meant? Or if you find someone is marrying them like erasing the first?

I feel more like a widow then someone divorced. I don't know if I want to be married twice regardless of the person or am I just weird and missing out on life?

Your thinking on this is normal and fine. I'd just recommend you remain open to the idea that your thinking can change. It would be a shame for you to deprive yourself of happiness ten years from now because you get stuck honoring an older version of yourself.

“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3450 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, December 2nd (Monday)

I too took our vows very seriously and thought of our marriage as a treasure. I loved my X a lot. I also think, when I reflect back, that I compromised a lot to get along.

My X was not a monster, instead he was just a weak character who crumbled. Couldn't express himself to me from the beginning. I think he just went along with things and then resented it. I have many good memories and sometimes I feel a bit stuck in my grieving process, wondering how I ended up divorced. I don't think I want to get married again. I often think I am a one person marriage type of woman, and I just won't do it again. But my thoughts might change. I am dating a nice man for the past 4 years and being treated well. I can't see any advantage in marriage at this point.

I'm rambling too. I don't think you are off base or unusual. There is a lifetime to sort out here.

BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5859 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, December 2nd (Monday)

Crescita that is what my friends say- I don't know.

I really did have a marriage that was great and it ended suddenly.

Dating for the first time makes me wonder how anyone gets together. It appears to be about the individuals and the timing.

I don't know if I want to go through another divorce (this was a huge shock and took me years to recover) now I know divorce is possible yet I don't think I want to date someone forever.

I guess a lifetime warranty isn't possible

Thank you. I know I am traditional but maybe I don't know what is the more realistic way to be. I suppose I am just scared or tired underneath. Thank you SI!

Posts: 1006 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, December 2nd (Monday)

I wasted thousands of dollars in marriage counseling during my fun false R period. The only thing it accomplished (besides chipping away at my lifetime max) was to make me feel bad about myself, since my XH hand picked therapists who were pro-infidelity.

I was also the first person in my family to get a divorce. (I do have an uncle who is divorced now, but he was a couple years after me) I come from an extremely religious background. It still grates on me when all my smug married relatives start ranting about how people don't put enough work into their marriages. (whatever, they are all either drunks or codependent enablers)

I see my former marriage the same way I see all my past relationships. It was something I can learn from, and a catalyst for making a better me.

Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Topic Posts: 9