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User Topic: don't know where to turn...need guidance!
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Stop  Posted: 2:52 PM, December 2nd (Monday)

First time posting. I'm not going to ask that you be nice, I know I dont deserve it. I have totally turned my life upside down and don't know where to go from here. Someone please help pull my head from the clouds and make the right choice.

Backstory: Bh and I have known either side high school and married 9 yrs.total of 16 years. He is an man all in all. Super hard worker, awesome daddy (we have 3) don't drink or smoke, very devoted family man, constantly doting on me and trying to make me happy. Attractive as well. Downfall, he lacks communication skills and shuts down when things get hairy.
3 years ago I became friends with a male co worker. Typical,, instant spark attraction. We hung out and before the night was over I was in his arms and then his bed. I know I should've never hung out with him and the others to begin with...but can't change that now. Anyhow that happened and it was like an instant addiction. I couldn't stop it. Fast forward 5 months later and I found out I was pregnant with my youngest. Yes I'm 100% certain my husband is the father. When that happened I immediately cut communication with the other man. BH never knew. Things were great with us...I felt in love with him for the first time in I don't know how long.

When I returned back to work after maternity leave, things quickly got out of control. I thought we could talk as friends. Huge mistake. I fell head over heels for him again and things jumped back where they left off, only this time more deep. All this summer I've been having a intense affair. Yes I know I'm a horrible piece of crap. My BH dont deserve this.

Here's the problem. I have to make a choice...and fast. I don't want to.live like this anymore, I don't want to hurt my husband or the other man.

I haven't told my husband anything. He will not stick around and work things out once he finds out. He'll be gone. For good. This I know for sure.
My head knows telling him is the best thing to do but I'll lose him in return. My heart don't know if I really want to be with BH or not. I have never truly known if I was really in love with him in a way I should have been from the very start. I've always been unsure of the kind of love I've had for him. My head tells me to end it with the OM abd keep my family together for the sake of my children...but my heart just don't agree. My heart wants the OM. Or maybe my head is just in the clouds again. I don't know how to figure that out. I'm really not as horrible person as I'm coming across as...although I feel like it. I just don't know where to turn or what to do...b July t I have to figure it out now

Someone please guide me in yet right direction. Excuse this scattered post...My head is all over the place


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, December 2nd (Monday)

Excuse the typos....My smart phone hates Me!

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, December 2nd (Monday)

Stop. Simple but hard to do.

First thing, good that you have come here. It is going to hurt to hear the truth, but it is needed. We all been here. and still are.

Youhave no control over anything but what you do. You are betraying your husband. He has right to know, to make the decision to stay or leave. And it will be better if you tell him.

Do not continue with this other man. He is not who you think he is. You are married and yet he still sleeps with you, lacks morals. you want that ?

Tell your husband. And be true to yourself. You are playing mind games with yourself , your husband and your CHILDREN. You are trying to justify your affair, by saying "I don't know if I love him. Well you may not in the right way. You may need to learn and understand what love really is. I am and its hard work.

You have what is called an infatuation , its not real its fantasy. I get the addicted part. Its exciting, its like being a teenager. not a mature adult who should act better.

Please stop. STand and try and make yourself proud, it will be probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do in your life, but you will save yourself in the end. No matter whether your BH stays or not. THe loss of self through cheating destroys our own soul, and it is very fragile, its even harder to rebuild. And trust me the guilt of not telling will kill you in the end or allow it to happen again.

Be strong and keep posting. Go to the healing Liabrary. it helps too.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, December 2nd (Monday)

Your correct, this is the hardest thing I've ever encountered. I feel so very lost, worthless and scared.

When I say I'm not sure I am in love why my Bh, I say that because even from the beginning as teenagers I've always questioned if I really love or not. In that way. He's always been a safe place for me to run to. We lost contact right after school, I got in a bad relationship...Then went and sought him out because I knew he'd want me. Two months after living with him I became pregnant with our first. I felt trapped and married him. I've been "content" since.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, December 2nd (Monday)

I bumped a post for you.

Affair Confessions - Everything to learn in 1 Post

You made a choice to have an A - Now let your BH make his choice. He may surprise you.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2012
Lmw9808
New Member
Member # 41255
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, December 2nd (Monday)

I am only 6 months out from my dday but when I was in my A I felt like my BW would leave me for sure when/if she found out. She still may but so far has decided to stay and give me a chance. The point is you cannot fully trust your own feelings right now. Trust me you are not thinking clearly while you are in the affair. You tell yourself all kinds of things to justify your actions. After enough time you even start to believe your own lies. Telling your H is going to be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do but if you don't he will likely find eventually and that will be even worse. I stayed in my fog all the way to loosing a very good job. It may not be too late for you. I had to agree with Joanh telling your H is the best choice.


Me - WH 44
Her - BS 45
Married 19 years
D-Day 5/18/13 5 year LTA

Posts: 16 | Registered: Nov 2013
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, December 2nd (Monday)

Thank you so much for the words of wisdom. I do understand he deserves to know and that it's the right thing to do...I'm just not at that point just yet. He will leave for sure. I know this 100%.
Everyone says your head is in a fog and not reality...but how can you really be sure that your not really in love with OM? Maybe I am in a fog but I'm truly fighting feelings of being in love with this other person. I'm still fighting feelings of do I and have I ever really lived my BH like a wife should...would I have really done this to him if I did love him? And how can I be sure I don't really love OM. My head is spinning and I just can't get my bearings straight.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, December 2nd (Monday)

I will add...the very thought of not having OM in my life makes me sick to my stomach. I've tried to end if before and it was horrible. I did read the blog on detoxing from an A.
I really need to find some kind of strength from somewhere. I confessed to my mom and have her support...it just don't seen like enough.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
confetticheck
New Member
Member # 38676
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

lil,
You are so deeply in the fog right now. I will tell you, you are sick, you can not trust your judgement right now. I'm glad you found SI because your gonna need it. An Atomic bomb is about to go off in your life. You and your spouse are about to be changed forever.
You don't have a D day yet but you soon will, I'm sorry for that. I will tell you that all the statistics and all of the personal stories show that to run away with OM is a disaster waiting to happen. He is not the answer.
LOVE is decision. It sounds like he deserves it. You've have children with this man, you have history with this man. You've dug your self a big whole, but it is not insurmountable.
Take charge of this and fix it, we will be here for you.

On the other side of D day, after all the hard work, after all the pain, I've never felt more close and loving to my spouse. I finally gave myself to her and she accepted me with all the warts.


Me - WH
Her - BW
Married 20 yrs, 3 kids
DDay - 17 Nov '12 (5 month PA)

Life's tough, it's tougher when your stupid.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: FL
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

So how do I get myself out of this fog and thinking clear? I want to make the right decision, I really do. I just don't want to hurt either person. I hate that parole are going to get hurt. I wish I was the only one that would have to suffer out of this but unfortunately I didn't think that thru even I decided to be selfish:(

I just want to make the right decision...But an having such a hard time determining which is what.

Thank you all for your guidance thus far.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
confetticheck
New Member
Member # 38676
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

lil,
How to get out of the fog?! Well, when I saw my wife writhing in pain, when I saw her shaking uncontrollably, when I saw her deep in the throes of PTSD, that pretty much did it for me.

I just don't want to hurt either person

You don't understand yet(fog)that this POS AP doesn't deserve a lick of consideration. You have a good husband (so you said!) and family that you are about to throw away like trash. On a whim.

Don't do it. Do. not. do it. Whether or not your marriage works out, do not stay with the OM. Someone who was willing to help you blow your life to smithereens. No matter what you may think right now, he is not a nice person. He is not worth it. And when push comes to shove, you owe him nothing. Certainly nothing like the person you took vows with.

Do the right thing. I hope it works out for you and that you get what you want. But even if you don't, you need to know that you at least attempted to do what is right.

And cheating, much less continuing to do so, is not right.

It's just not.

It's time for DDay. It will be awful, I'm not going to lie to you. But it will be real and it will be true and it will be right. And you will be a better person for it.

Be brave. Do what you know you need to. We'll all be pulling for you.


Me - WH
Her - BW
Married 20 yrs, 3 kids
DDay - 17 Nov '12 (5 month PA)

Life's tough, it's tougher when your stupid.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: FL
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Just read your post & needed to respond.
I am currently working on my story for my profile but to summarize..........back in 2008, my H#2 & I were doing the "in-home" separation, per my choice due to years of unemployment & lack of ambition issues. I had moved all my things from the marital bedroom & we were basically living as roommates cuz he wouldn't leave.

During this time I began an EA with a co-worker which turned into a PA. I found that the feelings you have for the OM are not real. We would have NEVER survived a relationship together IRL. And not that I wanted to but I had to be realistic in my thinking for myself.

I thought......how would OM be taking on a life with me & 3 kids? He wouldn't. He was single, young, & free to do as he pleased. In my heart I knew it would never be. He knew I was technically married & I now realize that while we had the EA aspect together, I was basically just "free, no problems involved" sex to him. Why would he want different?

We ended the A only a month in of the PA & it was the best thing I could have done for myself. It pulls you out of the oh, so, unrealistic fog you get in during an A real fast.

It isn't true feelings you have with him or you would already know 100% what you needed or wanted to do. How long would you 2 survive under day-to-day life? Would he be OK becoming a stepdad figure to your 3 kids, help with household chores & homework, deal with a BH in the mix & all the other crap we deal with daily in real life? I, myself, doubt he would stick it out very long if at all. You are just still VERY deep in the fog!

The best advice I have to give to help you " see the light" on your true feelings, is to ask yourself those types of questions about your AP & give yourself the honest answers. But again, it is my opinion since you have to ask........you already know the answer deep in your heart. Otherwise your BH would already know & you would be gone with AP.

My last piece of advice on how you can tell what feelings are real is first.....end the affair & then tell your husband!!! It will be the hardest thing you have EVER done but he deserves to be able to make choices himself, which you are not giving him now. Plus.....he WILL find out someway, somehow, sometime, so be the bigger person, do what is right & tell him!!

Your BH actually sounds like a great guy, so give him a chance. He may very well be willing to work on your marriage if he is actually given a choice in the matter.
(BTW....it was your description of your BH that gave me that opinion, so to me, that says something else about your true feelings for him!?!?!)

Best of luck to you!!!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:44 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 208 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
Brentwood
Member
Member # 27465
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

WS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:19 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


Me BW (59) What?!?!
Him BH (59)

Posts: 158 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: S. California
outtamymind
Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Is the OM married? If so, he's cheating on his wife. Do you really want to be with a man who cheats on his wife?


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2011
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Thank you everyone for taking the time to share your stories and give your advice. I'm taking bits from you all and trying to get things sorted.

I guess I need to give more details and clarify some things.
OM isn't married. Though yrs ago when the talking started he knew I was married...But I told him that I was unhappy and wanted to leave. I kinda perused him. Still wrong of him knowing I hadn't left yet...But I really thought I was going to then I feel pregnant abd things changed. Months ago my husband and I separated shortly due to me finding some things on his phone and during that time of separation, I told OM he was gone...And to this day I om still believes we're separated. I couldn't bring myself to actually leave because of the kids and me being scared so I started and reconciled with husband. Never told OM. One horrible decision after anther. Currently OM is wanting to buy us a house etc. He is willing to take on my three children and all that comes with me. Having been friends before the A, I know the type of person he is and what he'd be willing to do etc. I'm only defending his honor because he's somewhat a victim in this as well. I'm the one that needs the 2x4 across the face. Not him. I've hurt two people I love.

This is where the confusion comes in. I know typically affairs don't work out and are fantasy based...But what in my situation where you truly known them long before...have more than just lust in common. Like on a deeper level. Share dreams and hopes etc. I feel something for him that I've never for my husband. This much I know. But then there's my husband whom I do love but have always questioned what type of love. It's such a tricky situation. I want to do what's right I really do...It's so scary . I only work a small part time job abd can't fully support myself if I was to leave though OM is fully willing to help me in every way. be totally honest if no kids were involved I'd of left long ago. I've sacrificed for them. Yes I do love H...But I just don't know how to figure out in what way. My life's such a mess, I'm a mess and a failure to my children.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

BH knows things aren't right. Keeps asking if I still love him and want to be with him etc. He basically told me I have till after Christmas to figure what I want to do. He's questioned if I'm seeing someone. I just didn't answer. I can't bring myself to do it. I don't have the strength. I'm so stuck in the middle like tug of war. I just want to disappear from this earth :(

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

It's not a tricky situation.

It's a commonplace situation, and there is really only one answer. You already know this, and you already know what the answer is - so I'm hoping you came here because you want back-up for what you already know to be true.

Stop. the. lies.

Stop lying to these men. Just stop. There is no happy future for a relationship that requires lies to function. The OM thinks you're single, your BH thinks you're faithful, you're holding all the cards and creating a false world around both of them. Does that sound like a "tricky" dilemma? Does that sound like it is a situation with no clear answer? Come on.

1. Tell your husband the truth, immediately. If his moral compass tells him to leave you, LET HIM. He's a grown man - a good one, from what you say - and he deserves the right to choose. He deserves - after all the years of being the stable guy you would "run to" - to be able to run to safety himself. It will be hard. Actually it will suck horribly. It is also the most important thing you can do. For yourself as well as him.

2. Tell the OM the truth and then STOP SEEING HIM. Stop seeing him until you're divorced. He's in love with a separated, divorcing woman. You aren't that woman. You are a married woman who is lying to him. He will need to digest that and get to know the real you. If he still loves you, then when you're single you can date him. That's how it works.

3. Stop thinking about what will work out best for you. You are not the only one who gets to choose. You are part of a couple, 50% of the couple equation. 50% of the parenting equation. You don't get to choose a fake story for your husband to live in. He's a super hard worker and awesome daddy, as you said, so give the man the most basic level of humanity due to us all by allowing him to know the world he's living in and make his own choices. At this point you are the only one making choices, and they are all about you.

Also, needing someone to financially support you and having that figure into whether you lie or tell the truth to the two men is really awful. You know that. Erase that from your list of justifications immediately.

You already know all this on some level. So those 2x4's are I think, I hope, what you're here looking for.

It sucks, lilbug, I won't lie. Showing someone who you really are, especially when "who you are" feels like crap, because "who you are" happens to be cheating and lying right now - is scary and humiliating. I was right there, showing my FBH "who I am" and that was a shady, shifty, boundary-less person who wasn't very loveable or worthy of respect. I wasn't a good wife. He sat there and stared at the REAL me and it was terrifying.

But that's how you GET to be the person a man can really love deeply. You show people who you are and you get to work on the parts that are hurtful and ugly, you strive for the parts that are good and pure and loving and each day you get to claim more of the good parts and less of the bad ones. But you have to start by showing your face.

So, yeah. Show your cards to both men. Take care of your marriage first in whatever way that happens. Give your husband the human gift of dignity. Leave the OM out of it. If your marriage is over, start over with the OM with his full knowledge of what he's choosing. Work on yourself to deserve the person you're with.

[This message edited by circe at 3:25 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 3191 | Registered: Mar 2005
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I know what I need to do...I just can't yet push myself to take the plunge. I'm standing on the edge of the cliff ready to jump yet my legs won't move. Everyone keeps saying just stop just do it...how do u "just stop". It feels as if I'm telling my lungs to quit breathing. Where do I find this courage at. I'm just a coward in hiding :(

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

You find it here. With other former cowards who took the plunge and lived to tell about it. And you find it inside you. You have it. You're a mother and a wife. You came to SI for a reason.

You knew when you poked around on here that no one would tell you your affair sounds romantic and dreamy and to have at it.

You came here and posted your story because you wanted some back-up for doing the right thing.

Everyone keeps saying just stop just do it...how do u "just stop".

Stop thinking about it as a negative then. Don't stop lying - start telling the truth.

You ask someone to watch your kids for the evening. You rehearse and feel like there's no way you're going to get the words out. You make fifteen false starts, but you can see at some point that your BH can already tell what you're going to say, and he's already in pain/angry, and so you finally say it. If you're smart, you'll tell him the truth without minimizing it or blaming him or "the marriage" for it. But if you're like me (and I think like most of us) you'll falter at the first vision of his pain/anger and trail off, and he'll have to demand the rest of you. It's ugly. It hurts.

But like I said, you can't get ANYWHERE you want to go from where you are now without going ^^there^^ first.

Also - no one who is allowed to post on this thread thinks it's easy. No one. No one here is being glib when they tell you to do it.


Posts: 3191 | Registered: Mar 2005
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

So I hear people constantly saying if you really loved them you would've never cheated to begin with.

Is there truth to that?

What causes one to become wayward?

I definitely came here hoping to receive a harsh helping of reality and hoping someone would give me that push I need to get my life back on track. I appreciate everything I've read so far. I truly do.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

My BH had always had what I considered a porn addiction. He knows it bothers me and has always been topic of fights. He tells me I'm over reacting that all his friends etc think im silly for getting upset over it. He'll stop for a bit and always returns back to it. This is his major downfall.

What category would that fall into? I'm not trying to justify my actions by any means. I'm simply trying to gather my thoughts and feelings and understand my life.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

My BH had always had what I considered a porn addiction. He knows it bothers me and has always been topic of fights. He tells me I'm over reacting that all his friends etc think im silly for getting upset over it. He'll stop for a bit and always returns back to it. This is his major downfall.

What category would that fall into? I'm not trying to justify my actions by any means. I'm simply trying to gather my thoughts and feelings and understand my life.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

If you want to try to reconcile your marriage with your BH then your objection to his viewing of porn is an issue that of course you'll address with him as you reconcile.

But at this point, because of your affair, no matter how you try to bring up the porn issue it will always sound like you're trying to justify your affair, or minimize it, or say that your BS did something almost as bad as having an affair when he looked at porn, or whatever.

The simple fact is, it's not the time to address it when you tell him about your affair. You have to own your actions completely. His potential porn issues are a completely different discussion.


Posts: 3191 | Registered: Mar 2005
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

So I hear people constantly saying if you really loved them you would've never cheated to begin with.

Is there truth to that?

No, that's not true. I love my husband deeply and I had an emotional affair. I love my husband the way you love family - that roots-deep, burning from inside feeling. So: no. It's not always true.



What causes one to become wayward?

Something inside of us. There's something we haven't resolved, or figured out. It's not about our BS. It's about how we see ourselves and others.


Posts: 3191 | Registered: Mar 2005
NoGoodUsername
Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

So I hear people constantly saying if you really loved them you would've never cheated to begin with.
Is there truth to that?


No, it's not true. My BW is the love of my life. To dramatically oversimplify: I strayed because I didn't love me enough not because I didn't love her enough. It probably can't seem that way from the perspective of a lot of betrayed spouses, but in my heart I know it for truth.

You are stealing your husband's right to govern important pieces of his life. You may have consented to having the OM in your life but he didn't and you are inflicting it on him. It's time to give your husband back his ability to choose. If you want to be with him, you need to figure out how to be worth keeping.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 237 | Registered: Aug 2013
NoGoodUsername
Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

lillbug20,

Out of curiosity, have you paused to consider that you are cheating on both of these men? Your husband has the prior claim on a relationship with you, but you are in the process of blowing up both of these men's lives.

You have two ddays in your immediate future and you had better get to work. My advice: come clean and go no contact with your AP immediately and then put your efforts into your husband. Regardless of whether your marriage survives this, you have an ethical obligation to manage that situation first.

Good luck, you're in deep and the only way out is forward.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 237 | Registered: Aug 2013
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Not trying to justify my actions but I haven't told the AP that I somewhat reconciled because of what he did to me.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

You have been given some GREAT advice, yet you keep trying to justify your actions.

Your husband knows something is going on - be honest and tell him. Write out a timeline with everything you can remember - dates, times, places. Then as circe suggested, make alone time. You can then use the timeline to tell him yourself or hand it to him.

Yes, all hell will break loose, but it is the ONLY way you can begin to look at yourself to see "why you became a wayward".

When we are deep in the A, it is easy to see the bad things in our M and in our BS because all of our energy is being put into the A and not on our own M. You honestly do not know if you can save your M until your 100% focused on you and your BH.

You will continue having this internal struggle until your A is exposed. You worry that your BH will leave you, but give him that choice.

Take some time to read the 'Betrayed Mens' thread down in the 'I Can Relate' forum here on SI. You can see the pain they are going through, yet many men there have made the decision to say and work on their M. Give your BH a chance. Talk to him

I understand how your BH porn addiction bothers you; always comparing yourself to the women on those sites. I have been there. But understand that he can change, just as you can. Give him a chance.

And as for the amazing, perfect AP - well he ain't so amazing for getting involved with a married woman. What makes you think he won't have another A once you two settle in together? I just read a statistic that when 2 AP's get together there is a 3% chance of the relationship working out. Both of you are broken.

And if you do decide to live with the AP - how do you think this will affect you kids? They will know about the A eventually. You don't just move from your BH into you AP's house with the kids and live happily ever after - it just ain't gonna happen...

Tell you BH; tell your AP with a NC letter (he may not even want you after he realizes you have been lying to him also)

Not trying to justify my actions but I haven't told the AP that I somewhat reconciled because of what he did to me

Why? What did he do to you?

[This message edited by SandAway at 6:38 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2012
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Not trying to justify my actions but I haven't told the AP that I somewhat reconciled because of what he did to me.

I mean really. Absent your involvement in the witness protection program, I can't see any compelling reason to live a double life.

If your husband did something to you that you can't forgive - then talk about your reasoning with him (your husband), confess your own bad behavior to him, and you can both walk away from your marriage honestly and openly.

The subject of your affair is a really narrowly focused one. It starts inside you and is a directed beam outward. You can't try to reflect it off someone else and then say they're the source.

If you are absolutely sure you don't love your husband, then in the spirit of your marriage vows just tell him the truth and leave him with dignity.

If you are still on the fence about whether you love him, then in the spirit of your marriage vows tell him the truth and see if he offers you the gift of finding out whether there is any hope of reconciliation together.

Either way, let the OM go until the questions of your marriage are figured out.

[This message edited by circe at 9:34 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 3191 | Registered: Mar 2005
Reallyremorseful
New Member
Member # 40472
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Hi lil, welcome to SI. You have made a very brave 1st step coming here and posting. This is a site i wish i knew about sooner and a step i wish i had taken on my own. I am a WH who got caught and have spent the past 4 months fumbling around trying to earn a shot at reconciliation. I have not done so well and yet my beautiful wonderful BW has still been kind compassionate and loving. After affairs that began before we were married and lasted until dday. So you do not know what your H will do when he finds out. That is his choice. But you are certainly setting yourself up for a much more devastating and difficult situation if you do not take control and risk being discovered. He has a right to know. Come clean and tell him the whole truth. Send OM a NC letter and be done with him. Your H and kids matter more. You matter more. Stop living this double life. It is very liberating to be free of the lies and deception of the affair. Then go to IC, it helps. Figure yourself out and fix yourself, for you. And bc you have kids that need their mother to be there for them and a good example for them. Then maybe your BH will join you in MC. Sorry for the long post. Good luck!

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NY
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, December 9th (Monday)

How you doin, lillbug?

We are on your side & you were given some great advice.

I've been thinking about you & hope you are doing OK.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:43 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 208 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Gotta choose one just like I do.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, December 9th (Monday)

I'm still doing no better. I've been reading tons and tons of advice and life stories on here. I know what I need to do but I still can't seem to give myself that push to make a move. I'm still so stuck. I wish this so called fog would clear. I need a serious push.

Sat night was my husband's company Christmas party. I thought it would be a good time for me to reconnect with him and remember what I has with him before. I got all dressed up and we headed out for the night. We both felt so distant from each other. I felt as if he was someone new to me. Like I've forgotten who he is. It was really strange. It really made my start to second guess again that maybe I really do love OM. I know that is probably just the fog talking. Someone said previously if I really loved om I'd already been gone...right? Who knows. I really do want to do the right thing. I'm so tired of living like this...I just can't gather the courage. I'm scared. Just really scared.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I think it is not really a choice between people. It is a choice between mental health and not mental health. Lying changes the brain. It forces you into a state of cognitive dissonance, trying to have two logically inconsistent "truths" running in parallel. It requires a lot of mental energy. It distorts thinking. It makes emotional intimacy impossible. Empathy for the people being lied to is diminished. It becomes necessary to view them as less than, so that their right to make a reality based choice about who they want to be in partnership with becomes expendable without their ever even knowing it. It enables abuse.

My experience of it was that my choices leading up to and during the affair were fracturing me. Unwholesome is the right word. They literally were making me less whole. The less whole I became the worse my choices became.

I started getting better when I began to make wholesome choices. That made AP a non-option even though he was single and wanted to give it a go. I thought at the time that he loved me and that I had loved him, soulmates, bad timing, all that. It took some months of NC and a serious effort to learn about the true nature of infidelity before I began to grasp just how mentally unhealthy I had become.

As long as you're lying, you're going to feel fractured. Let go of unwholesome choices and start the process of rewiring your brain. The only way out is through. Don't give up.

Strength to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I thought it would be a good time for me to reconnect with him and remember what I has with him before. I got all dressed up and we headed out for the night. We both felt so distant from each other.

Yes, you are distant from each other. You can't connect to someone who is living a fake life, and right now both of you are - you by choice, him by trickery. Your affair and lies are going to be a huge isolating space between you as you hold all the cards and have the ability to sit next to him while withholding everything real about yourself. There's no way he could breach that distance because you're the one generating it on the sly.

I don't know if your marriage would be salvageable if you were honest with him, if either of you would want to remain married, but I do know that you've set it up for failure and can't pretend to be "evaluating" it or "trying to reconnect" while actively sabotaging it. To make an insulting analogy it would be as if you pulled the battery out of a car and then sat in the drivers seat for a test drive, complaining that it wasn't working.

It really made my start to second guess again that maybe I really do love OM. I know that is probably just the fog talking. Someone said previously if I really loved om I'd already been gone...right?

No, if you really loved OM you wouldn't be lying to him, demeaning him and living a double life.

However, for whatever it's worth, I think you should stop looking at these two men as your two options, lying to both of them while wondering what's best for you. Instead maybe look at yourself and wonder if the person capable of this behavior is really prime relationship material right now.

I know I was a bad wife during my affair. I had to become a person who was capable of having an intimate relationship before my marriage became that intimate relationship. You can't have intimacy without honesty and vulnerability, and while you're lying YOU are the impediment to your relationships. While you are lying and withholding yourself, any relationship you are part of will be an empty one in the end.


Posts: 3191 | Registered: Mar 2005
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

So I made the first step. I ended it with OM. I need help staying strong and sticking with this. He's sucked me back in so many times before. I'm determined to get my life back this time, to make things better...It's just so hard right now. It's extremely painful. I really do care about him. I have no clue how to get they the next couple days.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Good, good, good! Did you tell OM the truth? This is going to feel crummy for a while, so buckle up and hang on. What steps have you taken to ensure that he cannot contact you?


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I haven't taken any steps yet. I plan on deleting the texting app. It feels beyond crummy. My gut reaction is telling me to mend things with om. I'm resisting. It's just so hard. Thinking he hates me right now is even harder. I just want to run to him and everything be ok....but I know that would a huge mistake.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Well, sure it feels crummy. It's withdrawal. You have created some really unhealthy but stable (cognitive dissonance again) neural circuitry in your brain. Now you're pulling the plug on the input. There's going to be some chaos in there. BUT the only way to get through it is to get through it. One moment at a time. Delete that app. Right now. You can do this!

Tomorrow I'll dig out my first journal (I started journalling the day after d-day and am still going) and show you what I wrote that first day. I was a mess. It seemed like I could never untangle everything in a million years. But that turned out not to be true. You can untangle it. All of it. But it takes a lot of time and effort and willingness to sit with difficult feelings.

You will get much support here during the process. You can do this!


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Thank you for your kind words and support.

I don't know how to deal with these thoughts of wanting to fix things with OM. I just want to run to him right now. It's taking everything in me not to. I told him the truth and he hates me. Hell, I hate me right now. Logically this is crazy that I'm mourning for a man that left me numerous times for his ex, over and over. It's such a vicious cycle. My head is spinning and I'm making no sense. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Thank god for my children.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Thank you for your kind words and support.

I don't know how to deal with these thoughts of wanting to fix things with OM. I just want to run to him right now. It's taking everything in me not to. I told him the truth and he hates me. Hell, I hate me right now. Logically this is crazy that I'm mourning for a man that left me numerous times for his ex, over and over. It's such a vicious cycle. My head is spinning and I'm making no sense. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Thank god for my children.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
leftoolate
Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Hugs to you, lilbug20. Keep going, you'll feel a tiny bit stronger with every baby step.

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 817 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

No today is even worse. I can't control the crying. I just feel like dying n I can't do this.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Hi lilbug,

Two things that I see about you right off the bat. You are a conflict avoider and people pleaser. Even if you have to lie to the person to not hurt their feelings..you will do it.
No.1

You have lied to both men.

No.2
You're lies have made you to believe that you don't really love your BH. Although you keep stating you do.

No.3
You keep pining for an unhealthy relationship with the OM who has left you many times for his ex and you keep running back to that.

How many times has your BH left you for his ex?

Your BH knows you are cheating on him. He knows it. That is why you have distance.

You are not fully available to him because you are INFATUATED with another man.

OM will tell you anything to get what they want.
House and car? Sure..they will say they will get it.

You have kids? Sure they will say they love kids to get what they want.

you may say "He's not like that" But he is because despite how much you pursued him..he still should have said no..not until you are divorced.

And do you love him enough to not lie to him?

Nope..you have lied to him for your own reasons. For your own gain.

There is no love in that. Love does not seek to fulfill it's own, love seeks to fulfill others and it is returned in kind.

You will need to tell your BH the truth.

You will need to switch jobs or transfer because you have to go full NC with this OM.

I commend you for telling the OM the truth

Now do the same to your Bh.

Some people say not to tell, to live with the guilt.

That is still not fair because you do not live by yourself.

You live with a life partner you vowed to share your life with.

An affair is just as much a part of his life as it is yours.
You brought a third person into a union meant for two. His life has been affected by it...the distance you two have now is also a result of your affair.

His porn addiction will have to be addressed and he will have to see and take note how much it hurts you.

But before that..you have to remove the elephant in the room. The affair.
If he leaves when you tell him..then that's his decision to make.

It is not fair for you to make his life decision on something he already suspects you of.

Just be honest for once with him..be truthful

It could start a whole new beginning in your marriage


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2492 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Om transferred out of my job location a month ago. So that's one less worry.

Your correct. I do try to please other's and avoid conflict.

I can't confess till after the holidays. I just can't do that to the kids and ruin their Christmas.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Hey Lillbug,
You took the best step all around. You told OM the truth & broke it off.

So now.....hubby doesn't know about your A, does he? How about just spending some time working on YOU & YOUR MARRIAGE for a bit before deciding if or when to drop the bomb?

Dedicate yourself to "finding" your marriage again & being there for your BS?!?! You can tell him later if you want (or not.....& please everyone, don't start in on that comment)but you began the whole process of fixing your errors by cutting off ties with OM, so way to go!!! That was a big step to take & I am proud of you for stepping up to the plate & doing what needed done.

I know you may miss OM terribly, but don't you feel good inside as well, knowing you FINALLY took that 1st step to becoming a better person & spouse???

Hang in there......don't contact him!!! Give your marriage a chance without him in the pic skewing your feelings up & then go from there!!!

Sending hugs your way!!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 208 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Thank you omg for your kind words. I'm trying to get thru the next hour before I think about anything else. I'm still such an emotional wreck, feeling like I just lost the love of my life and that my life now has no meaning. I am no good at dealing with this heart ache.

I know everyone has said it's not my choice to tell BH or not since he has a right to know, but I honestly can't help but think that he's going to feel what I'm feeling right now and probably worse and therefore I'm wanting to save him from that and not tell. I'd rather suffer with guilt then have him feel half of the heart ache I feel.

I know that's wrong. I haven't made my mind up since I'm to emotional right now...but I just want to shield him from this. He don't deserve it.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

He don't deserve it.

No he doesn't. But he does deserve the truth.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2492 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
confetticheck
New Member
Member # 38676
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

I'd rather suffer with guilt then have him feel half of the heart ache I feel.

You are trying to make this sound like you are more concerned with him than you.

I don't think that's true. You are scared for yourself. Own it.

Listen. As I told you before, DDay will suck. BAD. Like worse than anything youve ever experienced.

BUT. I am happy now. Not like just ok, like better than ever in my life.

Go for it. Make yourself real. It is an understatement to say that it is hard and it hurts. But it is so worth it.

Let go of all the pros and cons of which person you should be with. That is not the point anymore. Do this to be real. And once you are real you will be able to see where you belong.


Me - WH
Her - BW
Married 20 yrs, 3 kids
DDay - 17 Nov '12 (5 month PA)

Life's tough, it's tougher when your stupid.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: FL
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

I'm still such an emotional wreck, feeling like I just lost the love of my life and that my life now has no meaning. I am no good at dealing with this heart ache.

I promise you this will pass. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. Many of us can relate. Please ride this pain you are experiencing. Distract yourself. DON'T CONTACT HIM. Stay with this awful feelings and ride THROUGH them. You may feel like your life is worthless without him but it's not.

Hang in there.
ps. Check your PM


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

Yes I am scared for myself, but I am genuinely concerned how it will affect BH. I wouldn't wish this type of pain on anyone.

BH was snapped out of his distant mood somehow. That only lasted that Sat. He's neck to his normal self...so this is my question. How is it better to fill him in on things and totally devastate him when he's happy. As long as I'm affectionate with him...He's truly happy. With om gone from the pic that is possible up gain again I suppose. If my Bh stays happy and all is good, I recover and stay on track...wouldn't it be kinder to spare him? Insight appreciated. I'm not saying I won't tell him, I'm just exploring the ignorance is bliss theory.

As far as my emotional self goes..I thought today would be less painful. I was wrong. It's still just as bad. I am still desperately longing for my AP. I'd give just about anything to see him one last time..no worries of that though. It'll never happen. I don't think I'm strong enough to cope with these feelings. I'm just not. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to fall into a deep sleep and never wake.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

Hey Lillbug,

I don't want this comment to start a whole bunch of commenting & T/J'ing, so SI'ers, please understand that sometimes it doesn't always fit every scenario to open up & tell. For MANY reasons. And that doesn't mean we WS are necessarily selfish or bad people. But let's please keep the posts to Lillbug's thread & not start going off on my "sometimes OK not to tell comments coming up". K???

We can't judge people because they want to keep their secret, learn from it & repair themselves & their marriage. Or continue semi-harassing them about how right it is to tell, ect.

We all know that technically it is the "right" thing to do!!!

BUT.......in my circumstance & to be very brief, back in 2008 my BH & I were in an "in-home" separation due to him not working for over 2 years but he wouldn't leave the home. But I was done & wanted out of the marriage.

During this time, I ended up having an EA/PA with a co-worker. It ended & my BH got a job & eventually we repaired our marriage, etc.

I have lived with the guilt but yet still wonder to myself.....am I really, truly a WW since I wanted a divorce, we were "kind-of" separated, etc., etc. My answer to myself is YES.

But to this day I have NEVER told & NEVER will!!!
And I will NEVER do it again!!!

My BH & I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary recently & we are once again happily married & have been for several years.

He recently commented after seeing a Dr. Ruth article on-line that said somewhat the effect of......"if you had a past affair that has nothing to do with your marriage today, you realized it was a mistake & will never do it again......don't tell now. Why bomb the boat when it is no longer a part of the marriage, so to speak. He commented that he totally agreed & that "he didn't want to ever know".

So sometimes, it just doesn't always fit in to every sitch to tell.

How about we give Lillbug some credit & support for just having broke off contact with the OM & step away from the "dday's acomin" , "time to confess" comments for now. Huh??

Let's continue her support of staying NC with OM & give her time to decide if telling is really the thing for her or something she actually wants to do.

She knows we all think it is the right thing to do, (myself included) because BS are given no decisions about their life & marriage when they are left in the dark. But it just doesn't always fit "inside the box" for every situation.

Another BUT for you Lillbug.......I did go to counseling & have worked to "repair" myself so that I know I will not stray again. You will need to fix yourself as well whether you confess or not. You need to seek some IC & figure it all out. Your IC can also help you address your feelings about confessing or not.

We are here for you either way, so never be afraid to tell us your decisions. Hang in there though about OM. Fix your marriage....or not if that is what it comes down to for you.....but at least then you will know it was not with OM in the picture.

And if or when you do decide to confess, we are here to help walk you through everything then too.

How bout you try & find some of that "old" closeness to your husband. Go back through your wedding album, dating pics, or pics of happy times in your marriage & you may be surprised how it can "resurrect" some of your feelings for your marriage.

Just "be strong & continue on" for now!!!
Sending many hugs your way!!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 208 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

Hi lillibug

It is great that you have ended the affair. When I confessed to my BH, I did if on my own timeline... I went to counselling first. I posted here for a while. Read a few books.. When I had the strength to confess, I did. It wasn''t pretty or easy but the relief was unbelievable. The feeling of being real to my husband is like no other. Only you know when, how and if you will confess. Keep posting here and it will be a life saver.

Not everyone has good advice here but I have seen you get some fantastic support.

Sorry I have to T/j to OMG6886: may I ask why you are on SI? Are you still reeling from the betrayal by your deceased husband and need support as a BS? Or do you feel like you have hidden problems from your old affair in 2008 that you have claimed to have healed from. I''m getting mixed feelings about your posts. You don''t have a story on here, haven''t really introduced yourself with needing help or anything.. You post freely on the JFO or on wayward threads with stop signs. Now you are claiming to be healed from your old affair. I''m calling you out. NO YOU ARENT!! If you were, why are you on an infidelity site?

End T/j

Lillibug.. Please consider the sources of the advice. OMG is not healed and gave you weak advice about confessing or not. Maybe you won''t confess. But that''s something you will have to live with for the rest of your life and worrying that maybe BH will find out from another source. Living in fear would be awful. I see hope for you. Get your life back! Love yourself again. Keep going with NC. That was a big first step


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 845 | Registered: Jul 2012
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

I told him the truth and he hates me.

^^ Thinking AP hated me, because I outed him to his wife, is what kept me from contacting AP in those early weeks when I was missing him fiercely. Embarrassed now to admit, it was more the fear of AP retaliating (outing me to my BH, for breaking NC) that kept me from reaching out to AP, than loyalty to my BH. So if he hates you, embrace that for now. It may help you get through withdrawal. And you can. As hard as it is to believe now, there will come a time when an hour, and then a few hours, and then a day passes when you don't think of AP.

lillbug20, I'm late to your thread, but I am proud of you, and I have faith in you! If you need to table the idea of confessing to your BH right now, personally I'm fine with you taking a brief break from agonizing over that. Revisit that idea soon, but for now, get over AP. And actively look for the good in your BH. Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. Hug your children and remind yourself how much better off they'll be, growing up in an intact household. How much happier you'll be, growing old with your husband.

t/j

Usually on SI, OM means "the man with whom my wife had an affair". Waywards usually use AP or "affair partner". No biggie, we know what you mean, but we do love our abbreviations around here

end t/j


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

She-Ra...

It was our oversight that OMG was posting in JFO, it has been clarified to her in Admin email that she must only post from a WS view point and no longer in the JFO forum


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197733 | Registered: May 2002
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

She-ra,

To answer your ?'s.....first I am almost done with my profile story, but I have to edit as it is a book with 2 stories involved.

I came to SI for the BS side, as last August I found info that confirmed my XWH had an affair that I had asked him about, oh, so many times years before.

It confused me on why it even mattered as I have obviously moved on & got remarried, etc. I mean, hell, the man has been dead for over 10 years. But it brought so much back from that time, that if felt new to me & confused the hell out of me as to why to bothered me so much.

Then.......before finding out the confirmation of XWH's affair, I had a brief affair on my BH#2 back in 2008, which I explained a bit in my previous post & that I now feel I can NEVER tell about due to my BH's comment about "I don't want to know". (this comment came after me finding SI & thinking I needed to confess & work through it all....the perfect opportunity arose, & he then made that comment)

I know he knows something but I think he looks at it as we were not doing well, were doing the in-home separation, I wanted an actual divorce, etc, so truly does not want to know about it. But he knew "of" this person, had met the OM, etc. So I believe he "knows" but doesn't want to know, KWIM?

And yes, I was corrected that I cannot post in the JFO, as I was not aware of it since I have the WW side as well as the BW side. So here I am now on the wayward side.

I have a thread set to post about certain things, but wanted to finish my profile story first to avoid questions. (but I can type very fast so when I looked back at it, it was WAY too long without cutting it down.)

So as not to continue T/J'ing Lillbugs thread, I feel like I am stuck in lala/limbo land with my secret & my dead XWH's recently confirmed affair but have yet to truly address them & will not be able to address them with anyone besides a BFF & my IC.

BTW.....my IC just shakes her head & tells me...."you are most definitely a unique case for me", etc. But she is very good & has helped me tremendously work through most of my issues.

So.....look forward to everyone's input very soon on my sitch when I post.

Lillbug....hang in there & stay strong about OM!!! (and sorry for the T/J'ing of your thread)


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 208 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

What is t/j?

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

t/j = thread jack

It is when the conversation goes off course to something else


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2012
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

That's what I thought but wanted to double check.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 4:10 AM, December 13th (Friday)

If you need to table the idea of confessing to your BH right now, personally I'm fine with you taking a brief break from agonizing over that. Revisit that idea soon, but for now, get over AP. And actively look for the good in your BH. Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place.

Totally agree with this... This is what is needed right now.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, December 13th (Friday)

Yep, right there with "trying3".

Baby steps day by day!!!

Stay strong, Lillbug!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 208 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

So I slipped. I majorly messed up, but I think it may end up being a blessing in disguise.

Last I left off I had ended it with Ap and he was no longer talking to me so there was the NC. WRONG! Two days later, he texted ,me and I couldn't resist. I still was having gut wrenching emotions for him. I still wanted to be with him so bad. To the point I was preparing to leave my BH and be with him. Anyhow, we texted, fixed things between us...then two days later it blew up again, we ended it...then back together. I had found out that last week withtin the same day of us ending things, he went and slept with his ex. I forgave him for that, after all who am I to judge for cheating . We tried to move forward after that mess, he was in process of buying us a house so we could be together blah blah blah. Yesterday I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to stop the double life and set things straight and make it work with my BH.I knew it was going to be extremely hard...since I really did love AP.
I ended things. Last night. This morning I was fighting these heart broken I wanna die feelings again. By noon I found out that he is already back with his Ex and not only that....shes moving into the house that WE were supposed to live in together. ( Little backstory, he has been going back and fourth between her and I for a yr now. I was too blinded to see things clearly and tell im to F off....then again....im just as bad as he is right
) MY punishment....the house they are buying its on a street that I have to drive by every single day. A miniute down the road from my own house. I deserve it. Its my own fault.
As bad as all this is, its really opened my eyes and helped to lift the fog that AP really don't love me otherwise he couldn't just run back to her so fast.

Now to salvage my marriage. I juts don't know what to do. I know to come clean..but im not ready for that today. IM still foggy to where I don't know if I really do love my BH or just feel like I don't because of AP. IM beyond confused. I don't know up from down right now. I would love to go to IC but that's not possible at the moment because of finances. Any helpful insight or 2x4's much appreciated right now


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

Oops double post

[This message edited by lillbug20 at 12:55 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

Have you deleted the app? Have you blocked his number? Have eliminated every single way he could get in touch with you?

You cannot leave NC up to him. It has to be YOUR will that begins to break the neural connections that associate him with love and feeling good.

I am really glad that you are beginning to get some clarity that what has been going on between you and AP has not been any form of love.

Take the steps of ensuring absolute NC right now. It's something you can do this moment that will support your bid for wholeness rather than a fractured existence. Let us know how it goes.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

Lillibug,

I'm late to your thread but I really feel for you. I remember those days of being foggy and feeling broken hearted and lost over my AP. Things are sooooo sooooo much better for me now even though I didn't think it was possible back then. They aren't perfect, just better, and I continue to make progress.

I don't think you miss the AP as much as you think. I think you miss the chemical hit of the A. And I suspect you lack the ability to self soothe. You will need to learn and practice new coping mechanisms to get through this. I had a rough time with withdrawal from the AP (or from the A is probably more accurate). Abandonment and rejection played a big role for me because the A was discovered by my APs BW first and he threw me under the bus. I had to learn to self soothe and to control my thoughts. I ended up putting a rubber band on my wrist and every time I had a thought of the AP I would pop it HARD. That helped.

The thing that washed away the rest of my withdrawal was when I told my BH about the A and saw the pain I and my AP had inflicted on my BH. That was awful and gut wrenching but it was the first big step to me being able to feel like an honest and decent person again. I love the word authentic. I love "authentic now"'s user name. I am now working ever single day to always be authentic and that feels good.

This is awful, scary, painful stuff you are dealing with but you are at a crossroads right now. You have an opportunity to make right choices and get on the road to feeling good about yourself. To become a strong healthy woman who can teach her children to live with integrity so they can be happy and feel good about themselves too. Choose wisely. We are here for you. We want you to be happy and healthy.

Keep reading and posting. Feel free to PM me anytime too.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1425 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

I haven't deleted the app just. But I will do so. He won't be contacting me. He's been with her and will soon be moving her into Edgar was supposed to be our house. I guess that shows he never loved me, but I still am very much in love with him as sick as that is. I just wish I'd get over him and stop feeling like this. Seeing them at the house every day isn't going to help any. This is exactly what I deserve though. I created this mess.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

Until you tell your BH, and this is a 2x4, you're wasting our time....and most sadly, yours.

This house with your AP you keep referring to that was "supposed to be my/our house" is not some castle on a hill. He's not a prince. Your not a princess. And you two together wasn't love or a fairy tale. That house is a house of lies. Of deceit. A place for broken people to live broken dreams.

And the house you DO live in, with your betrayed husband and kids, IS broken because of YOU. You are absent. You are cheating on everyone in your house...especially yourself.

Your words paint a selfish portrait.

And until you tell your BH, I believe you cannot and will not change. Haven't you had enough? You must be exhausted.

IMHO. And feeling sad for you.

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 4:30 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

Lilibug,

He's been with her and will soon be moving her into Edgar was supposed to be our house. I guess that shows he never loved me, but I still am very much in love with him as sick as that is. I just wish I'd get over him and stop feeling like this. Seeing them at the house every day isn't going to help any. This is exactly what I deserve though. I created this mess.

Gently, you are feeling sorry for yourself. Open your eyes to the harm you have done to your BH, your children, AND yourself. As jd said, you are absent from your family. Your energy is all tied up in this unhealthy obsession. Discipline your thoughts and divert yourself by doing loving caring actions that keep you present in the moment with you BH and your kids. I know you feel like dying would be better right now but that is not an option.

How old are your kids? Tell us about them and let's think of some things you can do to be present and loving for them and your BH.

I found the more I showed loving actions for my BH the more my heart overflowed with love for him like never before. It was powerful. Try it.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1425 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

I haven't deleted the app just. But I will do so. He won't be contacting me.

You said this before. And he contacted you. And you responded. DELETE IT NOW. Take charge.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

The app is deleted. I know for fact he won't be contacting me this time because this time he's moving her in. Him and I are done for good.

You are correct,,I have been selfish. I know this,, I'm trying to correct it. I just don't know how to over come this feeling of love for AP. It makes me feel as if I never really loved BH. I want so badly to be in love with Bh and be the family he deserves.

My son will turn 10 on Christmas day. My middle daughter is 7 & my youngest daughter is 22 months. Looking back thought this summer I have wasted so much time and energy on AP I feel like I only went thru the motions with them. I've lost precious time with them. I'm a horrible person and they all deserve better.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

I'm a horrible person

Rephrase to "I have behaved horribly." Making horribleness somehow innate to you is not helpful and it's also not true. Your behaviors have been horrible.
they all deserve better

Yes. Now you can choose different behaviors, wholesome behaviors, truly loving behaviors. Just being focused on your family instead of dealing with all the energy-sucking drama of the affair will be an improvement for them. It's a start.

One thing I read early on that helped me was that when people feel like they are not getting enough from their relationship it is often because they are not putting much into it. In other words, the grass is not greenest on the other side of the fence. It is greenest where you water it. This was very true in my case. I suspect it is true in yours.

Good job on finally deleting the app. You can do this. You will get much support here. In a year you could be giving advice to some other wayward struggling with your current situation and have this part of it behind you. But you have to go through it. There's no way around. The way out of this mess is through.


Edited for comma extraction.

[This message edited by EvolvingSoul at 7:06 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Hey Lill, how are you doing today?


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

I'm a horrible person and they all deserve better.

Like EvolvingSoul said rephrase this. You made horrible choices. You behaved horribly. If you were a horrible person you wouldn't be here trying to do something about it.

You want to lose the feelings for your AP. I promise you this will happen if you follow the advise here. Some day soon you will realize that what you are feeling for him is not love. Maintain mental no contact. Do not let your mind go there. Don't fantasize or reminisce. You can do this.

I'd like to extend a challenge to you. I'm doing it too.

There are ten days left in 2013 including today. Finish off this year by giving a gift of love each day (no monetary value) to each one of your precious children and your BH. Write what you do for each in your journal and how you felt about doing it and if there was a response/reaction. Pay attention to any changes in attitude over the next 10 days. If they ask you what you are doing tell them. Your kids may want to do it too. Help them to journal there journey. Call it an experiment.

Let's end up 2013 with something positive and loving.

Love is an action. If you want to feel love for your BH do the actions. Try acts of service. Just something each day. Iron a shirt for him. Fix him something he likes to eat and bring it to him. Write him a note telling him something you admire or appreciate about him. Clean out his car. Whatever you think he would like. Do the same for your kids. Also do something loving for yourself each day. Tell yourself something good about you, give yourself credit for a good choice, go for a walk. Whatever but show yourself some love too.

Let us know how you're doing. We care.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1425 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Still filled with emotions and extreme anxiety. I keep trying to push thoughts of AP out of my head the second they enter bit it's extremely hard. Everything seems to trigger a thought and memory. Everything. I'm trying to focus on my family and trying to stay busy but it's just not working. I spent last night with BH watching a movie. I still has to battle thoughts, though it was nice for a moment.
It's been twenty four hours of NC and the app being deleted. I thought today would be easier that's yesterday but it's just not.


Any tips to help me stop obsessing over AP...to stop having memories pop up every other minute? It's exhausting and heart breaking.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Hi Lill,

I bumped two threads for you. Maia's withdrawal survival guide...I think you may have read it already but just in case it helped me a lot. Also a thread where another member was going through what you're going through (hopeless hopeful) read the replies she got. I read them when I was going through it and it helped. I actually did the rubberband thing.

You can do this. It WILL get better just keep going.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1425 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Thank you, I will look into both threads. Anything is worth ridding this I wanna die feeling:(

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Hey Lill,

It's a process. It took time for your brain to become wired as it is now and it will take time to rewire it. On my D-day I was totally convinced that AP and I were star-crossed lovers, soul mates, etc. I told you a while ago I would share something from my journal in those early days, so here it is. I was flying back from being at my parents' house for a week, trying to figure my shit out, whether I would try to fix things with BS or leave him for AP. This was a couple of weeks before final NC. I was very ignorant of the true nature of infidelity.

THEN (June 2010)

Sadness. Guilt. Fear. The triple crown of emotions -- goes to anxiety. It's mostly present right now, that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's like a slow adrenaline drip that can't be turned off.

Interacting with people not a part of this helps. Then, for a little while, I can almost pretend things are okay, normal. When I retreat into silence, my stomach sinks and tears well up. Hot, sharp grief comes in a jagged wave.

Last night it was horrible. Body wracking sobs into my pillow, trying not to wake anyone up. I begged for help, from God, the universe, any higher power because I am falling, flailing, nothing to hang onto.

Any of this sound familiar? This is normal for where you are. You just have to bear it. It will get better. I was not in the position of still lying when I was going through this so at least I did not have to try to act normal in front of BH. He was a mess too. We both were. I found SI about a week later. I started learning about the true nature of infidelity and its effects on the brain.

It will get better. This is genuine withdrawal. Seriously consider taking knightsbff's suggestion to heart about the acts of service for your family and yourself. You have a lot of work to do but starting with the low hanging fruit of just doing something nice for the people in your life who deserve your loyalty is a great start.

You can do this. You can. You will get much support here.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Your feelings are exactly what i feel. I keep trying to tell myself that it really isn't love, but my heart just won't believe it.

I am truly ashamed to say that I have been just going thru the motions of being a mom this past yr. I've been so consumed with AP that though my body was there, my mind and heart wasn't. That is a sickening thought to come to terms with. I'm trying to use that a some motivation to get over this and better a better mom and wife.

The adrenaline drip really hit home. I wish u could turn it off. My body needs a break. About the only time I get relief from everything is reading this forum. It really helps. Everyone's responses really help. I'm so thankful to of found this group!


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Lill, you have a PM.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1425 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

About the only time I get relief from everything is reading this forum. It really helps.

I think part of that feeling of relief is that you are not having to lie to us. We know the truth, we have lived what you are going through and you are able to be authentic here. Knowing that can be a motivation to get to a place where you are not lying to anyone in your life, including yourself.

You can do it. Keep posting. People here will support you. Strength and courage to you, my fellow EvolvingSoul.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Double post. It was bound to happen eventually!

[This message edited by EvolvingSoul at 5:15 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

Thank you elvolvingsoul, you have been a great help.

Ive read over the threads you bumped. I did take some tid bits from both. Ill take anything I can get at this point. I think I could eventually get AP out of my head and move on if I didn't have to SEE a reminder of him every single day of my life. He no longer works at my job...but I have to drive past his new house with his new ( ex) GF every single day. Every day ill be slapped in the face with reminders of what happened, what I did to my poor BH and what I felt I had lost...as twisted as that sounds. I hate that I have to see his house. I close my eyes when I drive by it now and he hasn't even moved in yet. I can only imagine when both cars are parked outside.

I have decided today that im going to find a puppy for our family. Our current dog is getting up there in age and my children would be ecstatic to have a puppy around. I have began my search and have actually found it to be a great distraction. MY mind is getting a break from obsessing over AP...at least for now. Its nice to feel "normal" for a little while. Anyone want to help me find a pup?!

[This message edited by lillbug20 at 12:11 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

You know, one of the things that has surprised me the most about this journey is that I turned out to be a very lousy fortune teller of how I would be feeling at some point in the future. Things I thought I would feel the worst about (losing my connection with AP) really aren't a big deal to me now and in fact I feel as if I dodged a bullet by not leaving my BS for him. Conversely, at the outset I really had no idea how much damage BS had sustained during the very long time I was dumping my emotional energy into someone else, let alone the physical stuff. Once I began to wake up to how hurt he really was, that has been much more painful than losing AP. As I have experienced personal growth, my perspective has definitely changed.

Presumably at some point you will tell your BS the truth. After that, you and he sharing the same reality will probably have more influence on how you are feeling than the proximity of AP's house or who he is living with. Still, your focus on how awful you feel at the prospect of being triggered every day in the future might give you a glimpse of the feelings your BS would have been dealing with had you actually moved yourself and your children into that house. Can you now imagine it from his perspective? That is the kind of thinking that will be helpful for you to develop. Empathy. Really being able to see things from his perspective. This was a huge challenge for me.

You've taken the first steps onto the path. There are many of us ahead and there will be many of us behind you. We try to help each other. You can do this.

Welcome to the community. :)

Oh and I think it was knightsbff that bumped those threads.

Puppy!


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

Hey Lillbug, how are you doing?


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

I'm up and down...

I have been trying to get my thoughts in order. Trying to soul search to find out what went wrong within myself. Reading all I can and trying to figure out how to confess.

I've had NC with AP...until he texted my main number two days ago. It really caught me off guard. He was asking what to do with my belongings left at his house. I had already told him to throw it all away. So..I made the mistake of texting back and reminding him that I've already told him to pitch it. Within minutes conversation started. I was very nasty to him...Trying to prevent any nice conversation. I should've blocked him right then and there. Curiosity got the best of me and I looked at the app...He has been texting for the past two days and when I didn't respond because the app was deleted he texted my main number.

Anyhow, he texted me for about foyr hours and stupid me replied back, enabling him to keep going. I was curious, but mostly I missed it. I missed him. Fast forward to yesterday. He started texting me at seven am. It lasted all day long. Till eleven pm. He was so sad saying he missed me even threatening suicide talking of running his car into a tree etc. Saying he wasn't happy with her etc etc etc. Our mutual friend has texted me to saying how distraught AP was and he was worried about him. I fell for it and kept texting, worried he might really do something stupid, and partly because yrs I'm stupid and missed him. I never once gave in yo him and his plea to get back together. I held strong on that part. I did worse though...I allowed myself to fantasize.
The ring he had bought me was brought up,, he said he had returned it. I asked if he was going to give it to his gf. He said no. By eleven that night he was saying we could've been together that night and he wished things were different...All while he was at the bar with her. That was the last text I got.
This morning a mutual friend told me that he had proposed her at midnight. She accepted. He did this on the night that he had planned on proposing to me (another sick fantasy) .

So as much as that stings...I'm in a way glad. Now I feel as if I can really get him off my mind. I guess closure if you please. The realization that he can go from one girl to the next like that....but who am I to talk :(

As far as BH and I...I've been trying to fake it till I make it. I'm trying to be more emotionally attached to him. Sadly I just can't get my heart to attach to him in a physical way. Example, he tried kissing me at midnight, I pulled away and made a face without exec realizing it. I'm seriously praying I only feel like this because AP is still fresh on my head. I hope I can feel for him like I once did. The passion and desire to be close to him etc. Right now I only feel as he's a companion...not a lover.

I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. A long hard road that I'm willing to travel. I owe it to my Bh and children to fix the mess I've made. I owe BH the truth..which he will grrr a soon as I can get things so untangled in my head.
My puppy on the other hand helped to take thoughts of ap out of my head. Worked so well until he popped back up. I feel like I just can't make any progress. one step forward two steps back.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

lilbug..you did what you did because you are scared.. scared of feeling the hurt that is imminent and inevitable..

As wayward's, we put off that "pain" cos we know it's going to hurt bad. Why would we voluntarily go through pain?? Seems absurd doesn't it??

You are going to HAVE to go through withdrawal lilbug, there's no other way around it unfortunately.

You indulged in the sexting because it kept you away from hurt just for those little few extra hours. It's still there waiting for you.

Withdrawal is hard but has to be done. Wayward's are cowards by definition. We don't want to face the consequences of our behaviour. We wish we could just go on through life merrily without having to face any uncomfortablness.. after all we deserve it right????


Your ONLY task right now is to maintain NC. Ok you messed up by breaking NC this time, but start again now.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
lillbug20
New Member
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Trying, there was nO" sexting". It was all texting with him trying to persuade and guilt me back. He was saying how he was crying and was having suicide thoughts etc. More games and lies.

I can honestly say I'm not as hurt so thought I would be. I'm coming along ok with the withdraw...at least I think.

I did have a harsh slap of reality last night. I believe this has really whipped my head out of the fog for sure. As I was getting ready for work, I opened a notebook to get some paper for my son. Upon opening I found a letter my BH had written months back. A journal entry (he refuses to talk about things saying it never helps so what's the point).
This entry broke my heart into a million pieces. I knew he was upset and knew things were off...but my selfish self was to blindsided to see how much he was really hurting. He had thoughts of leaving me but stayed for the children. He wrote about how I wouldn't even look at him or touch him and just pushed him away. I for the first time, can see things from his point of view. How could I have ever been so cold hearted to this man that has devoted his life to making me happy. I can't believe I have become this type of person. I don't know what went wrong. I was raised better than this...I have always been the people pleasing, kind hearted, do for anyone kind of person yet here I stand hurting the one person that should be held above all. And all for another man who could so easily replace me. I'm so so foolish.
At this point I could care less what AP does or is. I have blocked him from my main number and deleted the app. Mutual friends have been instructed to keep mention of him away from me. My main focus now is what should have always been...my husband. I am determined to fix things. Since I ended it with AP two weeks ago my BH has been seemingly happy just at the fact that I'm more home with him, no more fake excuses to leave, were spending time together etc. I mentioned the letter to him and he said that was written a while back. I asked why he never told me, but he just shrugged it off. He absolutely hates talking about things..stems from his childhood and parents Divorce in which led to his forced therapy. The childhood therapy had him convinced talking does no good. That's a whole different story.

So here I sit, out of the fog and slapped with reality. Reality of what a monster I've been, how much I hurt someone...and possibly just destroyed my family . I would've never dreamed I'd be on this site dealing with these problems. If only I could find where I went so wrong

[This message edited by lillbug20 at 10:10 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Welcome to true remorse. You Just had your AHA moment. Good for you


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2492 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Oh Lill, your post made me tear up. This is going to sound insane to say but I'm so happy for you. You've made it to the next level and you have a real chance to heal yourself and your marriage. Travelling the path of integrity is so very worthwhile and it sounds like you are beginning to make your way along it.

It's a process. There will be difficult times ahead but you will get much support here.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, March 20th (Thursday)

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:20 PM, March 20th (Thursday)]


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 208 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
Topic Posts: 90