SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: do you find it hard to make promises anymore?
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, December 2nd (Monday)

I do. It feels awkward and insincere (even when I mean it sincerely) to "promise" something...anything.

If promises meant nothing before, why on earth make them now?

I'm not talking about hypocrisy. I'm talking about truly meaning it, having pure intent, and following through---but yet still finding that it feels hollow and farcical to say "I promise."

I 100% believe that people can change. I suppose these days I just prefer my actions to do the talking rather than words that sound empty (even if they're not).


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried. Reconciliation is a process and I still struggle.


Posts: 2222 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

That's something that is kind of weird for me...that I have always committed to things, and for the most part have followed through, except for some glaring examples of failure...I guess I haven't thought of those commitments as promises. Seems like there is a difference somehow.

I still commit. It doesn't seem insincere to do so. I'm less likely to commit now than in the past due mostly to learning to say no. But promises...the only ones that matter to me are to my wife and kids. Also, myself. And those are sincere promises that I work to uphold.

It sounds like maybe you are afraid of failing to keep your promises. You know you can do them and show that by your actions, but you have to see it to believe yourself.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
islesguy
Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

I never say those words now unless I am 100% positive that I can deliver. I am not referring to infidelity. Just in general if my wife or kids ask me for something.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 228 | Registered: Jan 2013
heartbroken2012
Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

No stop sign...but as a BS, I sometimes feel its hard to believe my WH when he makes promises to me.

Its hard. I believed all of his promises, swears, pinky promises etc and thought them to be true only to find out they were not.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jan 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

no, not at all. What Im getting really good at - saying no. I hadn't realized how much i did what people asked of me... and I seriously can't believe what people ask.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5242 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Nope - as long as I know I can honor my commitments, I go for it. If I have a gut feeling that I may not be able to keep the promise, I speak up. And like Baxters, I prefer to look at them as commitments. Maybe the terms are interchangeable....


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5969 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Yes!

I really think I get what you are saying here. If I make a commitment to do something or not do something to my BS and am 100% sure I will follow through and keep the commitment the words of the promise still taste icky in my mouth.

I had always been a person who keeps commitments prior to the A. A promise was a promise. I accepted so much filth from myself to allow myself to have an A (lying, selfishness, rationalization, breaking promises, failing to keep commitments, shirking responsibilities) that even though I am working hard to be someone I can respect saying the words is painful. Maybe because I have to put a now at the end of everything....forever.

"I promise I will be faithful, and treat you with love and respect...from now on."


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

knightsbff,

Yes, that's exactly it. Even if I'm 100% sure...there's that icky taste.

Baxters...I do think part of it is fear...of letting myself down; of letting others down; bad history as it were. But I think another part of it is that I just feel foolish, like who am I to stake my word on something?

I hope I can get to the point that all of you have reached.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried. Reconciliation is a process and I still struggle.


Posts: 2222 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

I hope I can get to the point that all of you have reached.
You will - it just takes time and work. Do the work and you will get there.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5969 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

If promises meant nothing before, why on earth make them now?

I'm not talking about hypocrisy. I'm talking about truly meaning it, having pure intent, and following through---but yet still finding that it feels hollow and farcical to say "I promise."

Could it be that you have not found grace within yourself...that you are lacking self-esteem and doubting yourself?
It takes time to find yourself....intense inner reflection.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2854 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

looking forward, I doubt myself all the time. Not in my ability to do right, but in that it means anything.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried. Reconciliation is a process and I still struggle.


Posts: 2222 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

MisterSister broke many promises. Not just fidelity related. He made promises lightly and broke them often.

He would often ask me to promise. I wouldn't. I would tell him that I don't make promises that I'm not sure I can keep. I would also remind him of that when he would give me the old "I promise" bit.

I just prefer my actions to do the talking rather than words
I agree with this, heartbroken. Save the promises. I would much prefer my FWH to just say "I will" or "I won't"(whatever fits) and follow through. That is what really means something to me.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9793 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Topic Posts: 12