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Reconciliation
User Topic: Have you read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair
soconfusednow
Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

On days that are difficult for me my WH will state what he has done (calls when he is late, passwords, etc.), says he feels like he can never do enough, and then asks what he is supposed to do?

The problem is I donít have an answer for him.

Has anyone read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald?

Iím thinking about getting it to help me express my needs.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

No, but I bought my WH "After the Affair, Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust when a Partner has been Unfaithful" by Janis Abrahms Spring, Phd with Michael Spring. I plan to read it too. In addition I bought "The Essential Guide to Surviving Infidelity" by Liz Currin, Phd. If you get that reply and let me know how it is.

[This message edited by BAB61 at 1:17 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

yes, the humility the WS needs to help the BS recover is so very present in that book and mentioned over and over.
That said, I sat my husband down and made him read it after his affair. He promptly had another one.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4786 | Registered: Dec 2010
lostworld
Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

It was a great book for my husband and me to read. I don't know how much of it sinks in early in R, particularly with a foggy WS, but I highly recommend it to anyone going through this mess. My H read it early on, and then read it again later, and it brought more and different insight each time he/we read it.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 811 | Registered: Apr 2008
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

My H actually bought After the Affair by Janet Springs, read it and asked me to read it. I bought, How to Help your Spouse..... We both read it. I found the latter very good for the spouse who hasn't a sweet clue what to do/where to start. It's repetitive and drives the point home clearly.

After the Affair was our main guide though. It has some really excellent chapters ie: How to talk about the A and producing a Critical Timeline (not of the A but of all the major stresses you were facing as individuals and as a couple just prior to A). It also asks each party to look at life-long personal struggles (or what is known on here as FOO - Family of Origin issues). The examples are all very good and easy to relate too.

Excellent book!

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:29 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Sammy2013
Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

My WH read How to Help Your Spouse... and it helped him tremendously. He came to me in tears and said he had been doing everything wrong (and he had). It was the first of many changes in him. The MC and IC has helped tremendously too.

He (and we to an extent) still has a lot of work to do. He has to change a lot about himself, something that isn't easy. But the book helped open his eyes enough to stop him in is tracks and say "Whoa, who am I?"


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 208 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

The book helps, but also your DDAY wasn't too long ago. The first year it is a lot of stuff to deal with. And even afterwards... depression sets in sometimes. That's where I'm at. :(


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
struggling16
Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

This book was of immense value in helping my WH see the reality of his actions. We read it together, one chapter at a time and discussed everything.

Immediately after Dday, I purchased numerous books. We read them all together. This one and "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass were the most helpful.

I do wish he would reread it.


Posts: 711 | Registered: Aug 2011
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

My H actually bought After the Affair by Janet Springs, read it and asked me to read it.

and this LA, along with your loving spirit, is why recovery with him is going well, and I know you've had a few bumps. The WS actually getting a book and asking the BS to read it with him - that usually doesn't happen.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4786 | Registered: Dec 2010
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

I found How to Help Your Spouse Heal excellent. My fWH isn't a big reader, this book is short, concise, to the point and it made him see clearly what he should be doing if he wanted to R with me. I highly recommend it as a starting point.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 948 | Registered: Oct 2012
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

@ you rachelc true. I haven't read on here many WS's who took initiative by buying a book. Think that happened in week 2. I almost threw it at him when he suggested I read it. He kept reading and I knew I needed help. So I read it.

Soconfusednow, when I read your initial post I thought that its great that you want to express your needs more clearly but....he needs to own it and work at it. Daily! Telling you that he feels he can never do enough should not come out of his mouth. I think that is even in the book!

Let him know that one of your needs is for him to buy the book and read it. And that you will read it w him.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

I bought it and FWH read it. It contributed to a pretty big turning point in his outlook.


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17082 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

This book was of immense value in helping my WH see the reality of his actions. We read it together, one chapter at a time and discussed everything.

We tried this but my wife couldn't bare to read it. It was hard core reality. A silly little act and the hard core pain it caused.

Immediately after Dday, I purchased numerous books. We read them all together. This one and "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass were the most helpful.

Amazing book. Changed our perspective of how we interact with other people and protect our marriage.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

I didn't read all of the responses....but GET THIS BOOK!!!!

It is a must read...number 2 right after Not Just Friends.

Another good one for BS to read is Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3613 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Guess I'm going shopping for a couple more books. He's been reading 'After the Affair' but he's acting like he's done enough because he's said he was sorry ... um ... NO!


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I've read it. Short read. Finally10 read it first. It has some good points. I've bought some of the others mentioned and plan on working through them. As someone else mentioned, attention post A isn't the same for some of us.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Topic Posts: 16