SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: In shock
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

I'm in shock....absolute shock. I'm numb. But here is my story. Sorry for typos but I am a mess.

The hubby and I have been married for 8 years. Have 2 small children. 2 nights ago he confessed to an affair (they only had sex once, but I know it was super emotional). He told me he had strong feelings for her( I'm convinced he loves her) upon confession, he starts crying and apologizing. He ended it before he told me. What's even worse he has been playing daddy to the OW son, while neglecting our own children. I kicked him out. He won't stop calling and begging for another chance, and telling me how much he loves me.What makes it even worse, is my dad was a serial philanderer, and my husband knew that! How could he go this to me??? I hate him. I am so ashamed of him. How could I have married such a selfish person. I can barely function and am trying to put up a strong front for my children, who haven't even noticed their father is not around. Any advice?? I feel like someone had ripped my heart and life apart. I can't believe this is my life. I have no idea what I am going to do. I keep picturing them together and it's making me sick.

Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Lostandpregnant
Member
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry you're here.
Start reading everything you can in the healing library at the side. Read posts in here. Breathe.


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Hi Andrea. Welcome. I'm sorry you had to find us but you will find lots of support here.

Read around the website, there's lots of help to be found. On the upper right of your screen there is a yellow box. Click on "The Healing Library" for some great reading.

First, take a breath. This is HARD. Try to rest, eat and drink water when you can. You will certainly need strength to deal with this and two young children.

Second, know that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. People have affair (A) because of their own issues, not because their spouse is not good enough.

Third, I know you kicked him out and you may want to divorce. That is fine. An affair is a dealbreaker for many. However, if you are not sure, know that you do NOT have to make an immediate decision on whether to divorce. Many recommend waiting 6-12 months before deciding what to do. This gives time to see if the wayward spouse (WS) is willing to do the hard work of reconciling (R). The betrayed spouse (BS) does not have to decide right away. It's okay to wait and see. You don't owe anyone any explanation.

Fourth, do find someone you trust to confide in. Do consider, though, that you might not want to tell everyone at this point. If you should decide to R, it can be hard to deal with all of those people knowing. Find a counselor (IC) who specializes in infidelity to help you get through this.

If you eventually consider R, know that it is a very positive sign that he confessed the affair to you.

I feel your pain. My father was a serial cheater, too. It destroyed our family, even though my parents did not divorce, and my husband knew this. He did it anyway.

What you are going to do now is take care of yourself and your two children. Ask for help with the kids if you need it. Again, remember to drink water and try to eat. It's not unusual for new BSs to lose tons of weight from the stress of infidelity. Nothing hurts like the betrayal of infidelity. NOTHING.

Others will be posting advice as well. Post often if you need to talk.

Take care.

[This message edited by sudra at 1:47 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1453 | Registered: Nov 2010
Cabot
Member
Member # 41485
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

So sorry for you but know you are not alone.
Your first priortys right now are you and the kids.
The first days are going to be tough your going to be very torn between how you feel about him now and the longing for that person you thought you knew.
Understand no matter what he says this is not your fault. It was his choice
Go to the healing library under articles and read about the 180
Find some people you can talk to and know there is always someone here so keep posting.
If the stress gets to great see a dr don't be afraid to get some meds to help you through these 1st day most of us have.
Get angry when you need to cry when you need too. Eat and drink water if you can.

As unbelivealbe as it sounds no it will get bettet but also remember even though you wish it could it will never be the same.




Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013
kra127
Member
Member # 41045
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Do you have a friend or relative you can talk to about this? I know that helped me the first few days after I found out. I know it's hard but focus on taking care of yourself and your kids. Also, get tested for STD's asap. Take a couple of deep breaths and read the info here.


Me 40
WS 39
2 young kids, Married 10 yrs
OW 22, admitted to EA and then TT to PA two weeks later. Also, found out about several "friends".
Dday 10/8/13
Divorcing

Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2013
browneyesbelieve
New Member
Member # 41469
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

(((Andrea)))

I'm so sorry you're here with us. I'm new too, and SI has been my saving grace, my reality check and my safe place.

Read everything you can hear. There are so many ideas, thoughts and support. We are here for you.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Nov 2013
Daisy04201
New Member
Member # 41503
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

This forum has been my only form of relief.
Keep reading. there are so many good tips on here.

I'm sorry you are going through this.


BS: Me 32
WS: STBX 29
Married 8 years
Two children 4 and 8
D-day #1: Jan 2013
D-day #2: Dec 2013
Status: In process of a divorce

Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Thank you for all your words of encouragement. It means the world to me at this very dark moment.I have been on the site for the past couple of hours until I got the strength to join. It's almost like I couldn't admit this is my new reality.

I have no idea what I am going to do and am taking it one day at a time. I told my sister and my best friend who have been a pillar of strength for me, and I will be eternally grateful.

My husband keeps calling and emailing, and I have been ignoring him. I just can't even stand the thought of him. I just don't understand how he could claim to love me but have a 2 month long affair? I have been reading like crazy on the site and I suspect he is coming out of the fog. To be honest, I have no idea what to think. Words fail me at a time like this....

I just keep remembering his vows on our wedding day and how he has ripped our marriage to shreds. The blatant neglect of our kids for the OW son is making me psychically ill. Who does that to their own children?


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Cabot
Member
Member # 41485
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Know that this emotional strain will manifest like physical illness treat yourself acordingly eat what you can drink water and get rest when you can. Weight loss is very common if you can't handle food get some ensure.




Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Any tips on how to deal with a husband who won't leave me alone? He keeps trying to call me. I already changed the locks but I can't change my cell phone number.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Cabot
Member
Member # 41485
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

You can call phone company and block his call or if it is on your cell you can go to his number and turn of the alerts his calls will still come through but your phone won't ring or vibrate




Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Andrea - hugs to you. You are just starting a very difficult time and all of us here have been right where you are - stunned, disbelieving, thinking these things only happen to other people. You have to take it an hour or even a minute at a time. You need at least one person you trust that you can confide in. Be very gentle on yourself. Although you will feel like you want resolution right away, you will need time to sort out your feelings. There is no rush, and healing, unfortunately, is slow. You are amongst friends here, so post as often as you need support or advice.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 633 | Registered: May 2013
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

I'm torn on blocking his cell number due to my kids. Even though he has been a horrible father for the past 2 months, I don't want my kids to suffer. My husband is an ER doctor and he works crazy hours. I just don't see how I can move past this...but from all your wonderful advice it seems I should take it hour by hour. I am all over the map emotionally. I am fortunate that I have help with my kids so they don't are not witnessing me falling apart.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Let me also suggest you talk to a lawyer absolutely as soon as possible. I would not block the number as that could be used against you later. If you are in the US divorce law varies widely state to state and you don't want to make any uninformed decisions. Consequences can be huge to seemingly unrelated actions. You can send me a PM if you want some examples.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 633 | Registered: May 2013
Cabot
Member
Member # 41485
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

I feel for you my wife is in emergency medicine also and those "crazy hours" are what enabled her to cover up her affair. And it took me so long to suspect and question her because it is the nature of the field staying late is very common but I finally realized it kept getting more and more often and later and later. and finally spoke up.




Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

I feel like such a fool. All those late night working at the 'hospital' when he was with OW and her son. All those dinners I ate alone with my children, I despise him. My trust is shattered along with my soul. I live in Canada and have no idea what my next step will be; debating contacting a lawyer but I am so emotional at the moment not sure what the next step should be. I had to remove the photos of him from the house because seeing his face was making me physically ill. I almost slashed all his clothing but I have to believe I am better than that. I feel so insecure. Why wasn't I good enough.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Cabot
Member
Member # 41485
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Try not to react right now out of don't do anything to give him ammo aginst you in case it goes to court. I would wait up every night to spent time with my wife some times till 3 am and now I know she was with OM and would come home and kiss me tell me she loved me and go to bed to tired from her long day. They just don't undersand that those actions make use have to look back and question every happy moment and try to figure out what was real. For me in the begining it felt like what was happening was a nightmare and would I think no this is real than I would say if this is the truth how much of my marriage was lies. And how do I know this person who is obviously capable of lying to me is not still covering up more.




Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

I am trying so hard not to react but he is begging me for another chance and telling me how much he loves our family. I can't believe I married this man and he is the father of my children. He keeps saying they only were intimate once, like that makes it better. He loves this woman or so he thought. Where does that leave me? I just hate myself for never suspecting and being played for a fool.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Cabot
Member
Member # 41485
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

This is very new very raw you need to tell him you need time. No matter which way this goes for you it is going to take a while I'm 1month since D-Day and i'm still not sure whats going on. You both will need IC and MC if you are planning on trying to work things out. The main thing he has to understand is that at this point he has completely lost your trust. Know also that anything you decide is not set in stone and you could change how you feel at anytime. And in the beginning for me I had so many conflicting emotions at one time it was hard to even think about making a decision. The only thing that can heal these wounds is time but you woun't be able to go back to how it was before. If you do choose to R it will be a different kind of relationship.
But for right now just get through tonight. Just try to get some sleep I didn't find SI until week 3 so I was just reeling and I didn't sleep for the 1st 86 hrs after D Day.




Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Make no commitments to your WH....He is just gonna have to deal with the limbo of not knowing what is gonna happen in his life for the next year or so..

Protect yourself financially ... I am beginning to sound like a broken record on this site.... I almost always advise people to protect their quality of life for the future is there is any possible way..

Number one top priority is to take care of yourself physically and develop a support network....Getting thru this is gonna be a long road....


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Thank you for all your helpful advice. These past 2 days have been hell. I am so thankful I found this forum because it is the only thing keeping me sane. I am finally secure so that is one thing I am thankful for, I don't need my husband in that aspect. Our relationship will never be the same. I always thought we had this epic love and now, it's dead. I don't plan on making any decisions and just want to survive the next few days and help my children get their mother back.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

You probably will need to communicate fairly soon regarding the kids. You might have one of the people you told talk to him and limit talking to texting only, and only about the kids and finances. Do not respond to anything else from him if you don't want to.

Read the 180 in The Healing Library.

Hang in there.


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1453 | Registered: Nov 2010
OakStreet
Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

AndreaL:

Just joined myself after an October Dday. Sorry you are here, but these forums and the advice are helpful.

I wrote my WH a letter and left town for a few days to get over my anger/pain. I asked him to write a letter in return (he was/is a horrible communicator). This was helpful for me and although WH agreed to MC, I insisted he go to IC as well to find out why he was such an A-hole.

I am still struggling with his betrayal. We haven't started MC yet but I also went for IC. It sure helps to have someone to talk to.

Good luck with all the trauma and drama that you are facing. It is not the most pleasant roller coaster ride.


Tell your WH you need some space!


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 376 | Registered: Nov 2013
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Did any of you guys feel humiliated by your betrayed spouse actions? I know I have nothing to be ashamed about, rather he does, but this still feels like my failure and shame to carry.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Did any of you guys feel humiliated by your betrayed spouse actions?

Oh YES!! It's a horrible feeling. Like you are some fool to be used by them.

Does this other woman work with him?

Be cautious, he may say he wants you and his family but many times they just take the affair underground while acting like it is over.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 586 | Registered: Mar 2003
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)


..so sorry you are here

..the impact of his betrayal is huge as you are at the centre of this earthquake.

..its effects then move outward to your children, your parents, your friends, his parents, his friends.. then his work associates who learn of his infidelity..

..but then too, with emotions running so high, it translates to his level of performance as an ER doctor!!!!

..can he, in his state of mind, be properly focused on the very critical job of saving lives on the ER operating table?

..should he be encouraged to take a leave of absence so that patients aren't put at risk due to his state of mind?

..I can't help but worry that he can't give 100% to his job and people could die.

I realize those people may not be paramount to your personal level of pain at this stage so forgive me for drawing it to your attention.

I completely empathize with your position. I can only hope your WH can rise above his personal level of distress to do his very important and critically demanding job.

sending you big hugs of support in coping with this nightmare.

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4119 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Can I ask......why did he just come out & confess on Sunday?

Also, I am so sorry to say that if he thought/thinks he was/is in "love" with her , spent many evenings at her home & helped "father" her son, then I very highly doubt they had sex only once.

They tell you this thinking it sounds better & will hurt you less if they don't let you know it was really every chance they got.

Is she married or in a relationship? If so, her BS needs to be told!! And are you sure it ended?

I am so sorry you are here though. But keep posting. This is such an awesome place to get great advice from people who have BTDT.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
storm77
Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

I am so sorry you are here.
Yes I did and still do feel shame and humiliation over WH actions. I think that is normal in the beginning.
Be sure to visit you DR to get tested for STD's. My Dr was the first and only person I told for a while.
Try to get some sleep. I used to need 8 hours a night. First couple of weeks I was sleeping maybe 2 a night. Eat if you can..if not drink lots of water.
Most importantly know you are not alone. Sending you hugs.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
headdesk
Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Try to coast a bit through these tough days where you can - remember, all you need to get through is the next day or if that looks too daunting, then the next hour.

One thing to consider is to ask for a temporary nc to let you catch your breath. It's enough to wrap your brain around without the constant interruptions.

It is NEVER about you or you not 'being enough'. It is their issues that lead them to cheat.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

He confessed because I confronted him about being seen with the OW and her son last week. He cried and begged for me not to kick him out. I believe that he was only intimate with her once, or maybe I am being naive. My heart hurts. I am going to get tested for STD's today but don't believe that will be an issue, as he has been distant the past month. What hurts more than anything is that I believe he was or still is in love with her although the claims to love me. I feel so foolish.

I just feel my trust has been destroyed and don't see us coming back from this.

I am not worried about my husband messing up in the ER as he has this ability to separate all issues at home from his work life. I believe that is what got him into this mess. But who knows as this point, maybe I don't know him at all. I think he met the OW while working, she was a patient.

I could barely sleep last night...the images of the OW and him are haunting me.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Any suggestions how to cope with the images of the WS and OW? I am obsessing. This can't be healthy. I want to track her down.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Sammy2013
Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

((((AndreaL))))

First, you are good enough. You are not the reason this happened. This was him.

Everything you are feeling is normal. I obsessed about the OW also. Only on day 2 of not looking her up online and following what she is doing. Everyone is right in saying to take care of you and your kids right now.

Make sure you eat what you can and drink. The first week is horrendous. Everyone says time, and I guess it does help. I'm barely over a month out of full disclosure. But I still cry everyday, feel sick, consume my mind with pictures of them together, etc. Try the picturing of a huge stop sigh in your mind when it happens. That helped me early on. It is all normal.

And the feeling of embarrassment is normal too. Although I don't understand it for the life of me. I am ashamed even though it doesn't make sense.

Take this a day at a time. Come here often, even if just to read. Do you have a support system around you? Friends, family, you can talk to? Someone to come over and make you shower (this was huge for me the first couple of days). Sleep sounds impossible, I know, but try. I didn't sleep for 2 days straight and it messed with me. I found I obsessed about OW more on those days. I finally broke down and took a Lunesta one night and was much clearer the next day.


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 208 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Thanks Sammy2013 ☺

I have been crying for 3 days strait which can’t be healthy. I just feel my self-esteem and trust is gone forever. I know logically I have nothing to be ashamed and embarrassed about, rather he does, but that is how I feel. Trying to put on a smile for my children, which is exhausting. I don’t want them seeing their mother falling apart.

I have surrounded myself with my sister and my best friend who are being amazing. But I feel so lonely, especially after I put the kids to sleep. That is when I stare at myself in the mirror and question is this really my life. I guess this is my new reality. I am married to a cheater. I just don't understand why he resorted to this.

I can’t sleep but I guess that is expected. I literally want to burn our bed and all of his clothing. I sound crazy. I plan on taking a sleeping aide to I can sleep finally, and maybe calm myself down.

Thanks to everyone for being so supportive.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
greengiant
Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

(((AndreaL)))

I had my D-Days in September 30th, and I had the same feeling you have. This place really helped me. Writing my profile, starting a thread and having people share with me. Take care of yourself and the kids. If you can talk to someone you trust, it will help also. I found a coworker who I could talk to, and I am seeing a psychologist. The therapy's

As for the images, I still have movies and images of them. It is fading over time. Do not reject your emotions, or it will be worse later.

As for tracking her down, I had total black out. While being at work, I realized one time that I didn't knew what I had done for the last 10 minutes. Later, I found that I used those 10 minutes to get info on where the OM was living, and making plans so I could hurt him. One day, I realized that he was such a jerk, and did not deserve any attention from me. Ignorance would be the think that would hurt him the most.

So, I would resume bu reading the healing library, sharing here, finding a good book on the subject, talking to a friend, and therapy if you can afford this.


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Thanks greengiant.

I am going to see a psychologist tomorrow as I think I am on the verge of cracking. To be honest, this board is the only thing keeping me sane and knowing I am not alone. My husband got the hint that he IS not going to be allowed back in the house which has made things a tad more bearable.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Hello AndreaL - so sorry you are here. None of us want to be here but we are glad that you were strong enough to join us and we are all here to help you any way we can.
First things first - we are all ashamed of our WS. We are all stunned that they did this. You are not alone.
Do not make any decisions at this time. You need time. Lots of time. I never would have believed my WS would have cheated on me - knew it wasn't in him to cheat, but he did. I never would have believed I would stay married to a cheater, but here I am, still married. Why? Don't know. Why did he cheat - well, there are hundreds of reasons why they do, but each has their own individual reason but the only thing I know for sure is: it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Their selfishness, their egos, their weaknesses and on and on and on.
So, my best advise is take your time before you decide anything - you're on an emotional roller coaster that is going to take you for an absolutely horrible ride for many many weeks - probably months and could easily be for a few years. I'm only 14 months in and I'm so tired of riding this coaster that I never wanted to board and sure as hell buy a ticket for. But, I know everyday brings different feelings and some days I'm telling myself to leave and other days I'm telling myself to stay. Give it time. TIME - it's such an ugly word right now, but honestly, it will get better - you will feel different - you will survive, but it takes TIME!!!

Posts: 1018 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Gotmegood
Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Andrea- Along with all the other advise you have been getting from all who want to , and will support you, I have something specific to add. I wrote this to my betraying husband just today: rather than torturing myself over and over and over thinking and asking "why wasn't I good enough?", I will from this day forward ask only "why weren't YOU good enough to honor our relationship?" Do not beat yourself up any more, he's done a hell of a job doing that to you already. Take care, so so sorry you are here in this hell.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 445 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Gotmegood, thank you for your words of wisdom. All day I have been repeating 'why weren't YOU good enough to honor our relationship?'. I am getting to the point where I refuse to accept any blame for his infidelity, this was his decision, and his alone. He is taking the kids out tomorrow for dinner, but I told him I will not be home, and the babysitter will be acting as the buffer. I just can't face him. I always thought he was the love of my life and vice versa, but who the knows if that was ever true. I am starting to wonder did I ever love him…my emotions are all over the board. Thanks for all the words of support.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Andrea,

Hugs to you!! We are here when you need us.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, December 6th (Friday)

My husband just cancelled on taking the kids out dinner. He hasn't seen them in 5 days. My 2 year old keeps asking where daddy is. I hate my husband, I really do. I am going to see a lawyer this afternoon. I have made no decisions yet, but want to see all my available options. I have no real evidence against him, as he confessed to me, so I am worried how this going to play out.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, December 6th (Friday)

My husband worked in the ER during his A- it is a nest of infidelity and we knew it but my H told me he would never do what everyone else was- besides he was "saving lives everyday" and seeing horrible things no one else but co workers can understand. ( his A was with a coworker) After some marriage counseling he has learned his ability to separate things in his mind (which is great for the job) but horrible for family life is one of the things that led to his A.
He still works in the hospital but not in patient care anymore mainly bc he can no longer separate those parts of his life so your husbands work can be affected.
Feel free to PM me if you need to.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, December 6th (Friday)

Thanks Completelybroken. I don't have PM privileges yet as I just joined, but I have so many questions for you. I just don't feel I can ever trust my husband, its not like he can stop working as a doctor, and at this point, I don't see myself EVER being able to forgive him. But I acting on pure emotions at the moment, so my feelings change day to day. I have heard the ER was always very 'affair' prone but always believed we were different. We have been together forever. I was so naive.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, December 6th (Friday)

Sounds to me like he was using the take kids out in hopes of getting to you. And then you told him you wouldnt be around so changed his mind???

But one would think he would want to spend time with his kids, huh?


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, December 6th (Friday)

Exactly! What type of man doesn't want to see his children. I'm just so mad. I am about to meet with the lawyer. I hope he has some good advice on how to proceed.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
PricklePatch
Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, December 6th (Friday)

Andrea,

Hope things turn around for you. I would be so enraged about his lack of care for the children's well being.

stay strong!


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, December 6th (Friday)

Sending hugs & strength your way for your visit to lawyer.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, December 6th (Friday)

So I met with the lawyer and I wish I had brought one of my friends with me, so much information to process. I think I am going for an official separation; have any of you guys done that? I just want something officially in writing. I am not worried about the money aspect, as even thought I am a stay at home mom, I have my own money. I am more worried about the children and what will happen. He already cancelled dinner tonight with them, maybe to hang out with his new family.

On my home, I see my husband siting in his car outside our house. No idea why. I told him in no certain terms, to stay away. Otherwise, I would go the ER and demand an STD test in front of all his coworkers. And I would do it. I am so angry with him at the moment. The babysitter told me he did not ring the doorbell, but had been out there awhile. I see that he left me a letter in the mailbox, but I am to hurt to read it. The nights are the worse, I feel so lonely and I breakdown crying after I have put the kids to bed. I just want this pit in my stomach to go away. I also feel so self-conscious when I am out in public as if people are laughing at me. He has shattered me completely. To think this is a man I have dated since I was a freshman in college.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Oh Andrea, hon,

I am so so sorry. Sending a big hug your way.

Have you really talked to him at all since this all went down or did you just ask him to give you time? It sounds like he is desperate to talk to you. But I also totally understand how after this kind of hurt & betrayal, you really cant stand the sight of them. I cant remember how long it took me to not have the strong desire to bash his face in when we spoke. But mine involved physical abuse which took presedence over his cheating.

Is there chance for you to reconsile? Or is this a deal breaker for you? If you think you may want to R, it may help you to talk to him!?!?!! But he needs to step back if not & give you the space you need.

We are here for you whenever you need us....even just to vent!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

I am all over the map on what I am going to do (which I think is normal?). This 'thing' is like a knife to my heart, and it is the emotional aspect of the affair that is torturing me. He thought he loved this woman? And had begun playing daddy to her son. That is what keeps me up at night. Maybe, just maybe, I could forgive the physical aspect (which he claims was just once), but the EA aspect, I just don’t know.

I think my husband does realize how much has to loose but I can’t make this better for him. I don’t even know if I LOVE him still, (is that also normal????). I just don’t see how I could EVER EVER EVER trust him again. I know I am a strong person, but this may be to much to overcome. He just tossed our whole family out the window, for what? That is what I don’t understand. Maybe I never will.

He is consuming my thoughts and I am replaying every time he worked late for the past 2 months. What a fool I was, such a trusting wife. That is what hurts the most. He played me and I LET him. I hate myself most of all, for trusting a man like this. He is the father of my children and dissed his own children so BAD. I am fortunate that I am surrounded by friends and family, most of them are in shock. His mother called me crying but I just can’t talk to her.

My sister and her husband took the kids for the day so I could have a breather, but I just feel even lonelier. I have no idea what I am going to do. I am in a panic because the holidays are coming up, and this could make the situation even worse.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

My husband is sitting in his car again and just waiting outside the house. I have no idea what to do. I'm not going to call the cops but this is not helping things.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Tawnee1969
Member
Member # 12358
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Maybe you can call one of his friends or his parents to either call him and tell him to leave or to come and get him.


Is the f*cking you're getting, worth the f*cking you're getting?

Posts: 656 | Registered: Oct 2006
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

How about just text him & asks what he wants?

Maybe it will help you to talk to him & tell him how you are feeling & what devastation this has caused???


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

I landed up texting him and asking him to leave. I wrote 'please respect me enough to honour what I want'. He left. But a common friend of ours called me and told me he's a mess. Like he is falling apart. So I have no idea what to do? On top of dealing with his infidelity, I now have to worry that he is in bad shape?? Its officially been a week since he confessed, I am only getting angrier.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

First of all, everything you're feeling is normal. I've felt these things, just about everyone here has. Don't let that worry ever get to your head and heart. You feel what you feel. If you did feel things outside the realm of normal, who cares. This isn't a normal situation.

Maybe you should think what you want to happen if you D. What would life look like? Contact with your WH, custody, holidays and so on. How would you want it to all look? What do you imagine D is like?

Then imagine what R would be like. What would you expect of him? What would be the ups and downs. What would you need to build trust, what could he do to make you feel loved and respected again?

Which of those scenarios could you live with? They're not going to be entirely accurate as none of us really knows what's in store with changes that big but it will give you an idea.

I want to add that if he wants to R then he really should be taking action. Harassing you and sitting in the driveway isn't action, it's manipulation. Action would be giving you his phone and login info for all accounts. It would be asking to be transferred away from OW. It would be asking you what YOU need instead of focusing on himself. And it damn well wouldn't be bailing on your kids, especially after playing daddy to OWs child. That just disgusts me.

ETA- you don't have to worry about what shape he's in. He's a grown man who makes his choices and can deal with the consequences of those choices. How he's dealing with the fallout of HIS choices is not something you should own.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 11:08 AM, December 8th (Sunday)]


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11114 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

It is very normal to hate them at this time. How could you not? What he has done to you - to the children - to your marriage. It's abominable.
I think you need to talk to your WS. Hear what he has to say. Possibly, this has kick started him into facing reality. You cannot make any decisions until you talk to him and see where he is at. He might have some answers now that he didn't have this time last week. Sometimes losing something that you had taken for granted makes you realize how important that thing is to you. I don't mean to be hard on you because you are going through something that is so horrible, and no one should have to endure, but unfortunately, here you are. I feel that right now you are just not in a place to make an informed decision on anything. You are still so raw and in so much pain. Take your time. There is no rush.

Posts: 1018 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

I second what Holly-isis said.

Couldnt have said it better!!

Hope you're doing OK today!?!?


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

(((hugs))) You''ve done very, very well up to now. You really have. I admire your going immediately to NC and enforcing that. So many people allow themselves to be strung along and by doing so, give away their power. But you stood up tall and booted him out the door. It may not feel like it, but you took a lot of your power back right at that moment, and having enforced your NC demands, you have demanded respect from your WH that he may not have given you, had you not shown your strength. Loving them back just doesn''t work. It allows them to walk all over your bleeding heart again and again. Being strong and enforcing consequences for their shitty decisions and choices, builds your power.

It is probably time for you to talk to him. You will have to at some point, to work out child care, support, and finances. I would suggest that if you have your separation papers drawn up, that you go ahead and have him served. Then give it a day or two, and contact him via text to tell him that you will meet with him at a place of your choosing (not at your house) to talk about child care, support, finances, or whatever else you want to talk about. Ask your relatives to take the children so they are not involved. And then get this talk over with.

Remember, if he starts being an ass, you can get up and walk away, which is the reason to not have this at your house. If he tries to derail the conversation, you can tell him that you are here to talk about X, Y, & Z only and again, walk away if necessary. You set the tone, you set the agenda, and if there is any fuss, walk and/or tell him that all further contact will be through your lawyer. Be strong, now is not the time to appear weak.

And if for whatever reason, you feel like extending the possibility of reconciliation to him at some point, make him earn his way back into your house by actions, not words or promises. Because you know what his “word” is worth. Nada.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4713 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
hurtsobadinside
Member
Member # 35308
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

Andrea.....

sending you "HUGS" and strength to get through this horrific mess and pain like you have never felt before Your wayward husband made the decision for you....he took your vote away..and voted for you....

he is "broken"...he has poor mal-adapted coping skills, he is selfish and needs to put in the work to dig deep within himself to learn his reasons and explain it to you..thats the only way he will fix himself.

Do not make any major decisions at this time. I suggest you read the Shirley Glass book "Not Just Friends" its a wonderful and extremely helpful book to not only help you but if you decide to "R", have your WH read and help him. ... amazon has it..go here to the healing library also....

All the emotions and feelings you are experiencing are normal...we all as faithful spouses went thru the excact same things

the pain is excruciating....
and...yes same as you ..i felt humiliated, i felt embarassed especially as a man, i felt pain in my "Heart of Hearts" like i had never before experienced...and the mind pictures....still show up and im 21 months out from d-day

Eat..stay hydrated ,exercize and get into IC....get a therapist that specializes in infidelity..and more importantly that therapist doesnt belive the affair is to be blamed on the faithful spouse. Get into MC if you decide to "R" and he needs "IC".

My Dr. prescribed lexapro to help me cope and it did help. I took Advil PM to sleep...it helped and is not habit forming as prescription sleep-drugs are.

I got 3 tickets from the camera stop light tickets..and didnt even remember driving thru the lights when they were "RED".

I dropped 35# in 6 weeks after my D-day and also was hospitalized for 2 days with severe chest pains (i thought i was having a heart attack)

I did not toss her out, I did not paint black "X"s over her face on all our pictures..although I did have the can of spray paint in my hand several times. Having her in the house and see my pain and experience it first hand helped us in "R".

The good news is does get better...but takes time and SI has been wonderful for me. Your new friends will help you. Come here often and post often. Most importantly, marriages can and do survive infidelity..and can become better/stronger then they were before, but it takes a lot of hard work. Life is a journey, but the most difficutly journey is the journey within ourselves.

once again...sending you hugs and strength..

me: 58
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks.and was hospitalized 2-days for chest pains)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards. My friends @ SI prompted me to advise AP's faithful spouse
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly ...its a long road....and painful


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I'm sorry. I hadn't read what "devasted30" wrote. Cuz I totally agree with them too.

For some reason I keep thinking it would help you both to get together now that a week has passed & talk, set some boundaries together, & get an idea on if R or D is the way to go.

BUT.....only you truly know if you are ready for that or want it, so don't let us pressure that decision.

And please dont get me wrong. I think you have done absolutely great since all this went down. You had (as they say here) your "bitch boots" on from day one & I think that is needed for some WS to start the defogging immediately & I would've done the same as you.

As for him, no you shouldn't have to worry about how he is doing right now, but totally understand that you do. But this is his consequences for his big fuck-up so its hard to feel too bad for him. This has been very good for him & the situation he put himself in, IMHO. And I hope for everyone's sake, that he is able to do all & everything that is needed to fix this mess.

Whatever you decide, we are here for you.

Sending hugs & strength your way!!!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Thanks for everyone for being so supportive. This past week has been hell and this forum has kept me functioning.

I spent the whole day with my kids out Christmas shopping and I think they had a great time, which made me feel better.

I have no idea how I feel towards ‘R’ or ‘D’; each time I think about either of them I start crying. I have known this man since I was 18 and I just can’t wrap my head around this whole thing. I am disgusted by him, and his playing ‘daddy’ to the OW son and THAT is what I don’t understand.

I don’t know if I can live my life with always being worried about checking his emails, phone logs, mileage on car. Some days I think ‘D’ would be easier but I am so confused. I know trust can be rebuilt, but I don’t know how to even begin. I am so angry, and he is so consumed by HIS actions and not focusing on me, not a great indicator for ‘R’. I mean he loved this woman, not a great indicator for our future as a couple either.

I am debating calling him and maybe meeting for coffee tomorrow (as some of you have suggested). See what he has to say. I don’t really see what else he has to say as he confessed his affair. I have such an urge to punch him and make him feel my pain. I want him to suffer. I told him he can text me whenever he wants IF it is concerning the children. He hasn’t seen them in a week! A week! He cancelled dinner on Friday with them, so on top of being a spineless bastard, he is a shitty father. I wonder what all the Dr’s in the hospital would think of him now…the NC has made my life so much easier but I know I cant continue on like this.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Oftencheatedon
Member
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

As per my name I've been cheated on more than once.

But I'll go back to my first and hopefully tell you some of the long term mistakes I made.

I met my ex when I was 18 - first day of school. We were together all through college. He wanted to get married from almost our first date.

We took jobs in different cities after graduation as I wanted to work a year before getting married.

We had the wedding planned, church, dress, the whole works and 6 weeks before the wedding he eloped with the woman he'd been cheating with during our year apart.

Believe me that I know how you feel. Anger, humiliation, even revenge.

In less than 6 months he was calling me, crying on the phone that he'd made such a mistake and would I please see him. I did not want him back. I even told his wife in an effort to get him to stop calling me. It did for awhile.

I moved on and truly found the love of my life. I have never loved anyone as much as I loved him. But after he'd professed love and future to me he hooked back up with an old girlfriend and married her - He didn't even have the decency to tell me. He just disappeared from my life.

But here's where I get into the advice part. Please don't let yourself lose the ability to trust again. Maybe this man will never again deserve your trust, but don't live your life by thinking men can't be trusted.

I did. And you know what it got me. Relationships with men who could not be trusted because I just assumed that's how men were and would put up with too much.

I went through a lot of therapy and did not have a date for about a decade before I met my now DH. My DH is trustworthy. I am not on this site because of his cheating. But because of my inability to trust.

There's still a part of me that believes it still could happen. Sometimes I feel like Charlie Brown and that football.


Posts: 105 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Okay, here it is. That 4 letter word we all hate but know in our hearts is the thing we need the most. Are you ready for it?

T.I.M.E. time, Time, time, TIME

Do not make any major decisions yet. Take some time - take lots of time. You are in so much pain do you honestly think you can think rationally?

Yep, TIME - you need to take you time. This could be the biggest decision in your life and you want to make a conscious effort to clear your head of most of the mess that is happening right now and think as clearly as you can.

TIME TIME TIME TIME


Posts: 1018 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Thank you for all the advice. I really appreciate it. You guys are knocking sense into me :)


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, December 9th (Monday)

You doing OK today, Andrea?

Just thinking about you & hope all is well.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Thanks OMG6886. I am meeting my husband tonight…very nervous but I want to hear what he has to say. I will update you guys later. I am scared shitless.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Sending you strength, dignity and grace.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 357 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
childofcheater
Member
Member # 33887
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, December 9th (Monday)

(((Andrea))) good luck tonight. Sending you strength!

[This message edited by childofcheater at 3:46 PM, December 9th (Monday)]


Me: 36 yo, him 35
Married 14 years together 18
3 kids: DD9, DD7, DS4
DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworker
Status: in R, work in progress

Posts: 293 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: East Coast
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Sending many hugs your way & hope it goes well!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Heres the cliff notes version, my hands ate still shaking from our meeting. I am sitting in my car trying to calm down before I go home to the kids.

So I met my husband for the first time since I kicked him out 8 days ago. When he first saw him, he tried to hug me. I told him, if you don't want me to make a scene, he will sit his ass back down right away. Immediately, he started to get teary eyed. I told him to cut that shit out and tell me what he wants to say. He kept apologizing for his 'transgression' and told me again, he only had sex 'once' like that makes it ok.I told him, I don't believe ANYTHING you say. I asked him how f$&@$ing someone else felt, he didn't respond. His mouth fell open. He told me he had strong feelings for her, but he loves me so much. I told WS, is that supposed to make me feel better? i told him when my husband falls in love with another woman essentially our marriage is over and asked why he played 'daddy' to her child, he said he just got sucked in and he hates himself. It seems they spent a lot of time together, more than I initially thought. I told him I had seen a lawyer, and he started bawling in Starbucks. I told him I don't know if can ever forgive or trust you. He started begging me to take him back. I told him at this moment I can't. He told me he has had NC with the woman since he ended it, but I told him I don't believe him once again. I told him, how could I? All those nights you claimed to be working at the hospital, you were with your new family. He started crying again. He is very scared of losing his family and the kids finding out what he did( even though they are 2 and 5). I feel numb. I told him I don't think I can get past this and need time. He said how much time...I said I don't know. He is very upset but I told him he caused this. I said what did I do to deserve this?? He took full responsibility for the affair and still doesn't understand why he did it. He is coming over tomorrow to take the kids out. He just kept saying how sorry he was and how much he loves me and our family. I am not in the place where I can hear that.

He was begging me not to go back to the lawyer...I told him in my mind we are separated and I won't be hiding this from anyone. We need to sit the kids down and explain the situation. I want to see a child psychologist before we do that. So I guess we are officially separated. He seems like he was a mess and kept saying how much he hates himself. He suggested MC, but I said I'm not ready for that.

I kept telling him you knew how much my dads philandering affected, WTF where you thinking??? He couldn't even respond to that.

I don't feeling anything...I just think I'm in shock again. I want to numb this pain. I thought meeting him would make me feel better, but I only feel worse. We met for 30 minutes and just looking at him hurt. I am so heartbroken for my kids....I feel sick. I don't feel like I learned anything new from him. Why the f did this happen???? Who the hell did I marry????????


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
childofcheater
Member
Member # 33887
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, December 9th (Monday)

((Andrea)) that sounds like it was difficult for you. I'm glad to hear he's going to see the kids. It sounds like he's got his own pity party going on. He should have brought you proof of NC if possible. Did he offer to go to IC even if you don't do MC yet? Also I know you're feeling pretty unsure about R, but you should spell out the boundaries of your separation. I.e. just because you haven't given him hope of R doesn't mean he should be hedging his bets with OW.

[This message edited by childofcheater at 6:26 PM, December 9th (Monday)]


Me: 36 yo, him 35
Married 14 years together 18
3 kids: DD9, DD7, DS4
DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworker
Status: in R, work in progress

Posts: 293 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: East Coast
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Did he offer to go to IC even if you don't do MC yet?
This is actually what needs to happen before you can even consider reconciliation or mc. Tell him he needs to snap out of it and get some help from a professional to answer the question of "why." Tell him that, up until he made the choice to chat, there was nothing wrong with the marriage. His choice tochat indicates that there IS, however, something wrong with HIM.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, December 9th (Monday)

He seemed reluctant to go to IC which angered me. I told him he has to go if he wants a chance at maybe saving our marriage. How should I get proof of NC?? I just feel like my husband fell in love with another woman, what am I even fighting for at this point??


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Oh God, Andrea.....my heart just bleeds for you right now. I so wish I could give you a hug!!

I know this shit just rips your heart out & it is soooo hard to trust them again.

I agree that you need to set the separation rules. He needs to do a NC letter/email to OW basically saying she was the worse mistake of his life & to never contact him again. You need to be CC'd on the email so you can see that it is sent.

He also needs to see an IC, read all he can & any/every book you suggest & basically anything & everything you want.

He also needs to SHOW you he is working on these things without you guiding him along. His words right now are cheap & mean nothing.

And this can all be done living separate. Then it is whatever you want to do after that.

I know some couples are both on SI & maybe your WS would benefit posting on the wayward side??? This is your safe-haven though, so you may not like that idea.

From my tagline, you can see, I am VERY ashamed to say, that I have been a BW & a WW, so I understand both sides & maybe it would help each other to read what the other thinks, feels, & is going thru. Or I know 1 couple on here who have set rules about reading each others postings.

Just some thoughts for you though. Sending hugs & prayers your way!!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Right now, "taking full responsibility for the A"
are just words unfortunately. It's like people expect it to be some kind of magic spell; "If I *take responsibility* it will all go away."

Begging you to not go back to the L...his main concern are consequences to himself. He's not at remorse yet, which is concerned about the consequences to others (you & the littles).

I think you handled contact very strongly, very well. You'll need true remorse from him to Reconcile if you choose to offer that gift. From afar, I'd guess he's not there yet. His crying - don't you have the sense that the tears are for the pain he's in? - instead of tears for your pain?
& not seeing the kids - oof!

ACTIONS will tell, not words.
PS
Read my tagline to get ideas @ telling your littles. There's no rush about that right now either. Take the pressure off for awhile - you could consider; "Your father has important work/project to do" or somesuch to explain his absence. For now.

hugs girl


Posts: 6520 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Hugs to you, Andrea! I so feel for you. I've been with my WH for 22 years and am still shocked that he could do what he did, that he could fall "in love" with another woman, that he could plan to raise HER children. ????? A year out, and I still don't completely understand.

You do not have to make any decisions right now regarding R and D. But please don't underestimate the love he has for you. He has a sh---y way of showing you; he obviously has some issues that demand some time with a therapist; but he loves YOU. He's only infatuated with her.

My SAWH told me (again, still can't wrap my head around this) last night that he told OW that he loved his wife and his family. But he was broken and for a multitude of reasons (he's a SA, we were at a low point in our marriage, 4 children are stressful, having her interest validated him, it was exciting, etc.), he decided that love wasn't enough.

A year ago, before I knew about his A, I knew he was unhappy and I was prompted to make some changes I felt would help my M to be stronger. Two months later, when I learned what was really going on, I continued my self-improvement projects. I did, however, re-evaluate them and make sure that they were primarily for me. If he benefited, fine, but it was my turn for some self-love. The difference is that my "selfishness" blesses me, my children, and--if he chooses to continue to heal--him. So if he were to leave tomorrow, I'd be crushed. Any other reaction would be a lie. But I'm stronger, I'm happier, I'm more at peace--I'm a better person. And if I choose to leave, it's because I've evaluated everything, observed, healed, and realized that there's no future with him. I will be able to tell my children that I did EVERYTHING I could to save my marriage so that they could have two loving parents in their lives on a daily basis. I owe them and myself a prayerful, intelligent, logical decision and not a knee-jerk reaction--which is what mine would have been in anything under a year. Yours might be anything under 6 months. Or 6 weeks. The prevailing wisdom here is a year. Being at that point now, I'm amazed at how much difference a year CAN make.

In the meantime, be good to yourself and to your babies. And, regardless of what you choose for your future, set the pattern now and be good (in appropriate ways) to your WH who is and will always be the father of your children. IMHO, the dignity that preserves is powerful.

((((AndreaL))))


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 440 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, December 9th (Monday)

He may or may not have fell in love with the OW. He wouldn't be the first WS who falls in lust, but somehow in the f-ed up brain of some WS, doing all that nasty for "luurrrvve" makes it ok on some level - to THEM. Keeping someone as a dirty little secret doesn't sound so much like love in my book, but what do I know?

Well, I know this. Unless he gets his messed up head into IC, he won't ever know WTF he did or why or how he would keep himself from doing it again. And if it were me, I wouldn't do R or MC with him until he did the work on himself. It takes two healthy people to make a healthy relationship - so why go to MC with someone who is demonstrating such unhealthy behaviors.

You take care of you. IC can be helpful for the BS, not because you're nutso, or whatever, but because you have been traumatised. Truly. And IC can be helpful in helping you recover from that in a healthy way.

Take your time, as much as you need. He bloody had 2 months (that you know of) to decide what he wanted (and looks like he wanted both ). You allow yourself the time you need to make the best decision for you.

Again, if it were me, IC for him would be a requirement.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3601 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, December 9th (Monday)

I agree that it's just words at this point. Until he hands you his phone to look through, gives you login info for any account and sits on his hands while you check...it's all talk.

He should be eager to find and see an IC. He should be asking to transfer away from OW. And he damn well shouldn't be standing your kids up. WTF was that about? That's NOT a man eager to have his family.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11114 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, December 9th (Monday)

He seemed reluctant to go to IC which angered me.
His reluctance to go to IC equates to reluctance to reconcile. Like I said before, his choice to cheat was HIS choice because of something broken in him, NOT the marriage. If he doesn't know why he's taken this destructive route, then what good will mc do? It's like seeing an oncologist for heart troubles. He needs to diagnose his own problem because it started in him and spread to the marriage. The antidote must be injected in the source of the infection before it can travel to the surrounding tissue that's been affected by it.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
BrighterFuture
Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I can just feel the pain in your post. My heart is breaking for you. I know the emotional part of the affair and playing daddy to the OW's child while neglecting his own must be the hardest part for you to forgive. As a mother myself, my heart breaks most for my children.

You're on the right path to successful reconciliation or divorce whichever one you'll choose. I applaud women like you who immediately kick the cheater out and let them earn their way back in because that's exactly what I did in my situation. Stay strong!

Huge hugs!

[This message edited by BrighterFuture at 1:41 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 340 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
hurtsobadinside
Member
Member # 35308
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Andrea

I also can feel the excruciating pain you are going through...its clearly evident in your posts.

My WW said almost the same thing as your WH..o got "it didnt happen that often" ...and like you, WTF......like that makes a difference it was insluting to my dignity when she said that.

If i can impart anything to you... its that you can take back "telling" others ... so I ask you to be absulutely sure you want your children to know. YOu know how your father impacted you...and just be sure you want this for your kids.

Its unfair to us the faithful spouses...as we have to make decisions for the greater good of our families while our wayward spouses....just did their own thing with no conscience of thought of all the consequences to their families.

My "Heart of Hearts" bleeds for you... i was there in March 2012. I send you great strength to get thru this. YOu will survive and be stronger.

I chose not to tell anyone. I applaud you for kicking him out of the house. That certainly will get him out of his FOG they are all in when their little dirty secret is out of the bag.

My WW also interacted with AP's sons and AP interacted with our daughter.

YOu do not have to make any decisions at this time...take your time to sort thru all this and he does need to go to IC

Suggest reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass avail on amazon. If you chose to stay and R, know that its very possible and many emerge on the other side with a stronger marriage. But thats all up to you.

Sending you HUGS.... you are stronger than I was and i give you sooo much credit

me: 58
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks and spend 2 days in the hospital with severe chest pains--thought I was having a heart attack)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Thanks to everyone for their kind words. I had a rough night last night, but woke up feeling 'better', as good as I can feel considering the situation.

I am going to email my WS today and tell him that he needs to get into IC. Also, I am going to focus on myself, I realised last night, that I have the ability to be happy, my WS does not control me. So I am going to get the house ready for Christmas. I also will be asking him to write a NC to the homewrecker.

To all those who commented on my husband being in love with the OW, you have given me so much clarity. I am starting to think it was lust or an infatuation. I know they are just words, and my husband and I have life together….but yet him saying those words to someone else is a knife to my heart. I am hopeful that the fact he confessed the affair is him coming out of the fog.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

TIME. It changes everything. Take your time and really think things through. You don't have to decide anything yet. Thinking about you and hoping you have a better day today.

Posts: 1018 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

So I am sitting here thinking and wondering if I can ever trust my WS again. I just don't see how I could…I mean, even if he gives me all access to his life, I just don't see it. I just don't see how I can R with no trust...


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
PricklePatch
Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

For me there was no trust in the beginning. I made several requirements to recover. Including transparency, on demand polygraph, and post nip. Also IC, Mc etc. Those things didnt bring trust, time and consistency has. Will there ever be that innocent trust again, no. However there is a new maturity in our marriage. Is he perfect, no. There is no acting out.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

AndreaL, I sent you a PM.


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7179 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Back to time again. I think if your WS does everything right and is really, truly remorseful then over time, trust will come back little by little.

Posts: 1018 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Thanks to everyone for responding. This forum is the only thing from keeping me from totally cracking. You guys really are making a difference in helping me process things.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Hoops
Member
Member # 22721
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, December 13th (Friday)

((Andrea))

Hope you are doing well today, it is a long road.

Kudos to you Andrea. You need to be the poster woman for "How to do the 180" and NC.

I wish I had done what you did!!

To answer one question, you will never trust him the same again, ever. If you choose to R, it will be different. I have never, in my 5 years here, seen anyone say the trust ever returned the way it had been before. There are a number who have sucessfully R'ed and appear to be happy though it will always be there as part of their past.

On the R side of things, you are one of the few who I beleive might have a chance at a sucessful R because your WH immediatly became remorseful. I believe that is the one indicator to the only true (lasting) possibility to have a sucessful marriage.

The choice is totally yours and whatever you choose is going to be the right one. Either one is right for different reasons. Each will lead you down a different path in life.

I am 5 years post DD (almost to the day). I spent a year trying (he didnt) and in hindsight it was "wasted" time. Then divorced and moved on. Two months ago I re-married someone I met 15months ago. I could not be happier. I have never ever trusted anyone like I trust him. I have never gotten along and respected anyone this much either. It is all so very easy and we are definatley the right people for one another. I am here because of the choices my exH and I made and, even with all the pain I went through, I would not change any of it because it all brought me where I am today and made me the person I am now.

If (god forbid) it should happen again, I would walk away. This time I know I could survive and move forward. But these are the lessons learned and who I have become.

I hope your days are getting better. Things do get better, there are a LOT of us who can vouch for this!!!


BW (Me) 44
W(ex)H 46 .... SA, Alcoholic, compulsive liar
DD 12-03-08
Divorced: 9-14-10
Now: Happily married to a great guy who has the same birthday as my DD! Ironic. Now it is just my husband's birthday.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Va
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, December 13th (Friday)

Thanks Hoops for your kinds words.

Everyday is a roller coaster of emotions, most people think that because my husband confessed and had immediate remorse, is a good sign for R. I don't know. I am obsessed with the fact that he loved or thought he loved this woman. Although, I believe that was the fog. Who knows? I realize everyday I now less and less about the man I married.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
PricklePatch
Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, December 13th (Friday)

New relation energy, that high of a new person flattering and the willingness of the affair can make them believe false emotions. This is the fog.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, December 13th (Friday)

Even thought I believe that the fog caused him to say those words, I am not sure I can get over it. The emotional aspect is a knife to my soul. and don't even get me started on him fathering her child…that alone has caused me to loose 5 pounds in the past two weeks.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
BrokenRock
New Member
Member # 41601
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, December 13th (Friday)

This is a tough event. I am on d-day+5. My wife has absolutely no remorse at all. For the WS they are completely mentally dysfunctional. Logic, rational thought, and discussion is almost impossible. For my wife this is all my fault because she fell out of love with me, or that she never loved me. The road is going to be long and hard. i am still absolutely in shock but getting better slowly. I have been doing 180 but ,since my wife does not even care she makes it very easy. She will be coming home from her finding herself trip tomorrow night. I expect my world will be shattered the moment I see her. We have only talked one time since I confronted her about where she was staying and who with.

The best thing you can do is keep coming to Si and reading. The process is extremely long and will take a lot of energy. You must take are of yourself - eat, sleep, and try to focus on other things. I have cried more this week than my entire life.
Will pray for you and all that face similar adversity.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Dec 2013
staystrong101
Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, December 13th (Friday)

Andrea, so sorry! My WH also begged me to R. He said he loved me and he was so glad he finally got caught in A #1, because it was wearing him out and taking up too much of his time and energy. I asked if he was going to end it with OW? He said "Oh hell no. I had no plans to end it and things were escalating. So it's a good thing you caught me." I asked if he could promise me not to cheat again? He said "well I can tell you I never planned to leave you. all men do this. It's just natural for men." So, I knew that I had no choice but to move on with my life. And this was before I found out about OW #2 and OW #3. My point is, maybe it's a good sign that your husband ended the A and confessed to you. Maybe there's hope for your marriage. Only you can decide that. I agree about the pain of having your WH be a father figure to OW's son, and take time away from his own kids. Ouch. We have 4 kids who are very active in sports. Yet, my WH went to watch OW's son play soccer. At our son's cross country meet, I found pics on the camera of OW's other son. Every time your WH and mine took time away from their own families, all they did was create a distance from us. I'm so sorry. I'm 7 months out from DDay and hopefully the D will be final in Jan. I am finally putting some weight back on but I was down to BMI 17 this summer. Listen to the posts on here about taking care of yourself. This site has been the best support.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, December 13th (Friday)

My WS is taking the kids to dinner tonight and I literally feel sick. Is it normal to be crying to almost 12 days strait? I cried in the grocery store yesterday, people looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe it is a good sign he confessed, but my heart hurts everyday. I just want this pain to go away, yes time is the answer, but I wish I knew if D or R was the solution. And dont get me started on the holidays…that only adds to my anxiety level.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Fireflies
Member
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, December 13th (Friday)

Yes, it is completely normal to cry for day and weeks on end. you've been through a horrible, traumatic experience. I think I cried everyday for the first 2 months. But it does get better. Hugs


Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, December 13th (Friday)

It certainly is. I didn't cry (much)(blame it on me being a midwestern guy), but the anxiety and the feeling of having lost my center was gone for at least a couple months.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 281 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, December 13th (Friday)

I'm sick of crying and feeling sorry about myself...hopefully this is a stage and will pass. Over it.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, December 13th (Friday)

Hang in there. I used to walk through stores, down the street, drive my car, all with tears running continuously down my face. I sometimes didn''t even realize that I was crying, I did it so much. And I have never been a crier.

Be strong. Unless he starts to do the things that you need him to do, IC, transparency, the whole list, then he''s still not committed to R with you. Actions, not words. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4713 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I couldn't even get out of bed today. I am starting to think I am suffering from depression. I hate that this is my life now.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I couldn't even get out of bed today. I am starting to think I am suffering from depression. I hate that this is my life now.
(((Andrea))) Let the good things in your life motivate you right now - your children, your extended family, your good friends. Try focusing on all the blessings in your life and lean on those people and things to get you through the trials and tribulations. I know that's easier said than done, but it's all you can do right now. You've been traumatized and it's not fair.
What's the latest status on things? Have you spoken to him at any greater length since your last update?

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, December 16th (Monday)

No new update. We have been talking via email or text concerning the children. I just can't even think most of the time. Like my brain goes to him and the OW. All the lies I was told. I keep hearing him tell the OW that he loves her...today is a bad day.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, December 16th (Monday)

Do you know if he's gone NC with her?

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, December 16th (Monday)

He has. I believe him on that aspect.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, December 16th (Monday)

Maybe other people have asked, I sorta scrolled thru a bit but what I hear, which is not uncommon is total shock of course but also you swirling around what he needs to do....you have told him, he either gets it or he does not. Crying and boo hooing yet telling you NO to IC tells me he knows a little more then he is telling you. Again, he either does it or not. Also throw out there that you want him to take a polygraph, his reaction to that alone will tell you alot.

I would suggest that you find some IC for yourself, you will need someone to listen to you and help you thru this. I am afraid as most BS's find out this is only the tip of the iceberg. Good luck to you.


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, December 16th (Monday)

And it''s very likely that you are suffering from depression. Depression comes in many types. Most people immediately think of Clinical depression and assume that they are going to have to be on drugs and be down for the rest of their lives. The much more common type is situational, and let''s face it, with the situations that we all have had to face, it''s a wonder that ALL of us aren''t diagnosed with that! This type can be helped with drugs too, but it''s for a limited time. My husband is clinically depressed and I have been treated for situational depression twice so I''ve been through it.

I would suggest that you go see your doctor, tell him/her what''s going on in your life, and ask if they think that you could use some short-term drug therapy. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4713 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

I thought I would update everyone on my status. The past couple of weeks have been hell on me emotionally. To be honest, I have been suffering from depression. My husband desperately wants to get back together but I just can't forgive him. I just can't. The mental images are killing me. And not to mention he loved this woman...I just feel dead inside. He moved out before the holidays, begging me to let him stay. I believe he is remorseful...but what about me? I don't think I can live with a man who betrayed me. So many questions in my head. Just wanted to say thanks to this forum...keeps me sane.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

Stay strong sweetie.

My heart goes out to you. Your pain is so palpable.

Have you seen a doc? A mild tranquilizer may help to get you over this hump. Please take care of yourself.

PPGA


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7052 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

Glad to hear from you.

Your emotions are totally normal. I cried every day for six month. Sometimes more than once.

Only you can decide if you can R. He broke your vows and there is nothing that says you have to let him come back.

He may be remorseful but just because he begs to come back and cries doesn't mean he is. Is he in counseling? If he is truly remorseful he will want to change and fix himself regardless of your decision.

Take care. This is really hard, either way you go.


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1453 | Registered: Nov 2010
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

I'm seeing a psychologist but am resistant to taking meds, but starting to lean towards it. I just hate my husband. But I hate myself for marrying this POS. Just venting...even though he had sex with her 'once' makes me ill. The one thing I will say is that my husband is in HELL...heard from mutual friends he is a mess. The 'evil' part of me is glad, I want him to suffer.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Markone
Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

Andrea,
Just sent you a PM.


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2010
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

My husband dropped the kids off and he got me thinking with something he said. He said being the cheater is worse...he knows he did this and living with pain of what he did to me and his children is killing him. I'm all over the place tonight.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

He said being the cheater is worse

Really? At least he HAD a choice. I am all for a remorseful WS but drop the fecal matter. This isn't about him. He already made his choices, now it's your turn.

he knows he did this

Yep, no one forced him or pulled his strings. He didn't trip and fall in. This is on him.

living with pain of what he did to me and his children is killing him

And his pain is worse? Why is he even talking about his *pain* rather than trying to fix yours.

I'm sorry, his statements just hit a nerve I didn't know I had. It's all words, all about him. What is he showing you? What actions has/is he taking to help you heal?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2702 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

That's how I think. He is caught up in his pain. He is open to IC and MC....but the bigger question am i? I don't have that answer yet. Still taking things daily.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

Are you not in IC then? Regardless, R or D, it will help. Another question, if it's ok, have you started meds yet? The result of FWW's A for me was anxiety, not depression. I left it untreated for too long and my career suffered as did my relationship with my kids. They didn't deserve the anger. Finally, went to doc and said I'm depressed. He knew of the sitch from the STD testing and actually figured out it was anxiety and not depression.

Take your time. It may be a deal breaker for you, it may not.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2702 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

I'm seeing a psychologist who is helping me. No meds, but am slowly thinking I need them. I am not doing myself any favours by being so stubborn. I am SAHM which I have always loved, but I think it is making my situation worse is I have so much time to think. Sigh...is this really my life? I hate hearing how much he wishes he could take it back and regrets it. He's not proud of what he did and blah blah. More BS. I just don't understand how this happened.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

I'm in my car driving 5-6 hrs/day. Believe me I get the overthinking. Re: the meds. Are the children being affected by your moods? Aside from helping you, it may help them.

I hear a lot of regret in his statements. So did I for 8 months. From day 1, I got a lot of the same that you are. It took her that long to *get it* and replace all the damned words with actions. How long you wait is up to you.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2702 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

My children are not being affected as I am trying to act normal and see that their daily routines stay the same. But I do think I need meds, I want to feel better. I just think I need more time until I make a decision. My WS understands that and is not pressuring me.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Girlietoo
Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

I just want to offer you ((hugs)). I am several months out and still don't know the answers around trust/reconciliation. Members here say it comes back and I'm holding on to that with everything I have.

I've taken the pressure off myself by deciding not to decide. I know, whatever you decide, you are going to be ok. Blessings sister.


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 245 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Just sitting here again and my mind is all over the map. I think it takes a very strong person to try and move past an affair. Am I weak for not trying to forgive if my WS is remorseful? I'm scared all this hate is gonna eat me up.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
2goodannie
New Member
Member # 41967
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

You are not weak, you are so strong! Keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going for the kids. And, think about the meds. When I went to get checked for STDs, my OB-GYN (who also delivered my 2 kids...mortifying) put me on something just to even me out; so that my highs/lows were not so extreme. I still cry and feel like crap, but I am still going and it has been 3 months. Like your situation, my WH wants to work things out and I am the one that can't even think about it. In fact, if I think too hard about it, I for sure can't do it. I don't think I can be married to a cheater and someone that has caused the most pain I have ever experienced in my life. I think I will be able to forgive one day, but forget? Never! How do you ever trust again? I know everyone on here talks about time being the healing agent, but I wonder if the pain ever really goes away?!

WH: Loser
BS: Me
DDay: 10/13
LTA: 4 years
Getting the strength to move forward, whatever that means!


Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
2goodannie
New Member
Member # 41967
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, January 9th (Thursday)


[This message edited by 2goodannie at 10:36 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]


Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 121