SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: False R...I need to change my tag line
mitz66
Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I have been a member since 2008. I wrote in my tag line that we finally had successful nc since December 2012. Not...I had to do some paperwork that required phone records. I have not looked for one year. I really feel gullible. WH never stopped contacting her. Several phone calls a month. I confronted over the phone as he is away right now for 2 months, he attempted to downplay it saying it was work related and only 4 times. I called him on his crap and told him um nope the phone records show multiple times a month for the past year. I told him we had been to this rodeo several times, there is no work related. Then he tried to blame me saying he had nobody to talk to...umm how about me?

He then said he tried to reach out to me, that he did not want to feel like less of a man telling me how he was struggling. I told him I considered having phone contact with ow was being less of a man. I also said I didn't know what to even say to him, then my dog died the next day and I have been so raw that I haven't had it in me to confront him about it more. I think Friday is a great day to do that.

Anyone else been through multiple false R's and have any advice?


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jan 2008
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

No advice, just wanted you to know you were heard.

Do you have any friends or family you can be near for the next couple of days? That was a serious double whammy.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7364 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
MOTG
Member
Member # 35902
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I have a lot of thoughts about this. But no concrete answers or advice. I think this is where IC comes in, they need a safe place to emotionally vent with a person who is not going to feed their ego. I could see how venting to you about you may make him feel some kind of way and if he doesn't know how to communicate effectively it could be hurtful to you and even though the EA is what hurt you to begin with he doesn't know how to cope with his feelings in a healthy way. So he reaches back out to an emotional connection he knows. We speak but they don't hear us.

At any rate I understand where you are coming from. I hope that helps even a little.


Me: 33 mother to 2 girls
Him: 1 PA and 2 EA
Us: together 9 years married 5 years. Trying to work through this.
I refuse to commemorate D-Day

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2012
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Yeah. I had 4 years of false R. As far as I can tell he never broke NC, but... worse, he had sex with a prostitute after months of daily porn (some days for 6+ hours). I have no advice... I stopped checking, too... so I feel your pain.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2221 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry honey. You shouldn't have to go through this.

My false R was only 3 months, so I don't have this kind of experience. I know for me, though, that 6 years out if I found out he was calling her several times a month? I would file for divorce the next day. I will not accept that.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Jan 2011
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

The only advice I can give about false R like this is whatever line in the sand you drew, you need to stick by it. There needs to be consequences.

During 2A MrH "thought" I would D him. After d-day he saw that I wouldn't and took the A underground. His entire entitled, cheating attitude began to change when I started talking about how I had consulted with an attorney (our pastor gave me the referral BTW- that brought MrH up short too ). I talked about dealing with where I would live with the kids and how, when he came home from deployment he needed to have somewhere else to sleep. All of that was even before I found out we were in false R and it's what made him go NC with xOw2 before 2d-day.

I have left him no room for doubt that if there is another d-day or continued contact, there are no more chances and I will implement a scorched earth policy in his life AND her life, jobs and careers be damned. I would rather support two kids on a small teacher's salary than ever be disrespected like that again.

Right now your WH has learned he can do what the hell he wants. When you find out he has to soothe your ruffled feathers then he can go back to doing what he damn well pleases again. What can you do to make him realize you're serious? That he's not only hurting you but disrespecting you with every break in NC? What consequences are you ready to dish out to your WH for breaking your boundaries by maintaining a GF in your M?

This attitude of his is concerning because even if he truly does go NC with OW for good, he seems to believe he's entitled to seek out a third party in the M. It increases your risk of being betrayed all over again.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣


Posts: 10988 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
Dawnie
Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I consider that a deal breaker.... on all levels. If I were you I would move towards S and D.... he obviously doesnt get it.

((((mitz)))


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 47)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 800 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
Trying2Survive1
Member
Member # 40022
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

{{{Mitz66}}}

We had 6 years of false R as unbeknownst to me FWH was still in touch with his ONS from 07 (while we were seperated and he didn't tell me about). His reason? He wanted to have a backup if we didn't work out! Nice, huh?

Well, I can say that after I discovered her and confronted him he went NC, we are back in MC and are finally in true R.

Sometimes it can be so complicated.


Madhatters, M 31 yrs
FWW/BS 57-BS/FWH 56
Separated 5 mos in 07.His DDay,11/07.False R since 07. My DDay,7/5/13."Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”
― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Posts: 128 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

False R from broken NC hurts like a MF'r. No doubt about it.

My H was the king of broken NC. Took about 2 months for him to stop. What finally stopped it? Me calmly and quietly sticking to my line in the sand. I handed him my rings, and said I am done. Pack your shit, and get out. You can see the kids this weekend. No tears, no emotion just very very flatly, and with conviction.

That's when he finally, really got it. That's when R really started. Prior to that we were heading that way, and stumbling everyday.

Please make him suffer some consequence for this, if you don't he will continue. If you do, he may finally get it, and if he doesn't he does not deserve you in the first place.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Kierst13
Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Anyone else been through multiple false R's and have any advice?

I have been there, you can read my profile if you like.

He has shown you who he is time and time again; believe him. I would and did walk away.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
mitz66
Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Everyone, thanks for your thoughts, advice and letting me you are there. I believed I had drawn a line in the sand, we lived separately for a long time before living together again last December. I really did believe that he was finished with ow. The good thing is that he is away for two months. I think I feel kinda numb to everything. I think when I really start to feel the emotions I will be very angry. Anger can be a good motivator for change for me.

I do have one very good friend who has stood by me through the past 6 years and she is supporting me daily. I have been able to compartmentalize everything and get through my work days. I have two more days to get through then I can really focus on this crap. Again thanks for your support SI, I haven't posted in quite awhile.


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jan 2008
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Mitz,

The mere fact that HE LIED TO YOU when you confronted him about the continued contact with OW...would be enough for me to kick his butt to
the curb!

he attempted to downplay it saying it was work related and only 4 times.

All I can ask is -- What else is he lying about?


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6112 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Sorry not appropriate for Reconciliation forum.

[This message edited by momentintime at 12:45 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2901 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

So glad you have a friend to support you. I had false R but only one spell... because when confronted he just ran out on us to OW, and that to my ultimate salvation is where he stayed. He realised he couldn't stay in a relationship with me because he didn't love me, which hurt like hell. But not staying did me a huge favour in the end.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 841 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 14