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Wayward Side
User Topic: Thanksgiving and other thoughts
pizzalover
Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I had a great Thanksgiving holiday (Wednesday to Sunday) with my BH. I felt closer to him then I have since D-day. We got our Christmas tree and participated in traditions that I was terrified 10 months ago that I would lose. Most of the holiday was just the two of us which I felt was very important. Even when we were just having a Law and Order marathon, it was wonderful spending time with him.

However, in my mind I kept thinking about the absurdity of my affair (not that all affairs arenít absurd). Not only did I introduce my BH to my AP and his wife, but he became friends with them and actually liked them. I became ďfriendsĒ with my APís wife. I put quotes because even though during the affair, I convinced myself that we were BFFs, how can you be someoneís friend when you are having an affair with their husband and destroying the sanctity of their marriage (just as I was destroying my own)? Then I wedged myself into their family structure: swimming at his parentís pool and having dinner with them with my BH, meeting her parents, becoming FB friends with his sister and her girlfriend, playing with my APís children (who my APís wife called me ďAunt Pizza LoverĒ to her son),, being at the hospital when my APís wife delivered their son prematurely (the only non-family member there the first few days), attending birthday parties for their older son, trick-or-treating one year with their older son meeting his friends and friending them on FB, introducing my family and friends to my AP and his wife, my BH and I going on a vacation with my AP and his wife, my BH and I going on double dates and hanging out at their house, going on pub crawls together, etc. It makes me nauseous to think that I hurt innocent third parties when I could have just kept everyone out of it and just had an affair with him during union trips. I still after 10 months donít understand why I integrated not only myself and BH but my friends in my AP and his wifeís life. I know I did it but I am so confused by it Ė I figured I would have clarity about it now, but I donít. Not only did I latch on to him and his wife, but to his family and friends. Our MC continues to say that she has never seen an affair like mine. I never needed to get my BH involved. I never needed to get him invested in a friendship that he actually liked. It makes me sick.

After talking to our MC last night, we are going to start working on current issues of our relationship in MC. I feel like we have both buried and suppressed things during our relationship and couldnít communicate things. I want to rebuild the foundation of our relationship and hope that it can be rebuilt. I am willing to work my ass off on repairing this marriage because it means the world to me. I know my past actions donít reflect that, but even through the affair, I still loved my BH very much and couldnít imagine my life without him. It hope itís not too late.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Our MC continues to say that she has never seen an affair like mine. I never needed to get my BH involved. I never needed to get him invested in a friendship that he actually liked.
Then you need your own IC. Your MC is working with the two of you as a married couple and clearly doesn''t have the experience to address your issues that allowed to do this.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3644 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

What Brandon said X2.

PL, your affair has been described on SI countless times. There are a ton of BW who found out their BFF was the AP. Their lives were entangled with shopping trips, vacations, kids sleep overs, the whole bit, and it all came crashing down when the WS hooked up with the AP. I see it here all the time. It's not a new concept.

If your C hasn't "seen an A like yours before", find a more experienced one. For your own sake and sanity.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

It sounds to me like she became friends with them after, not that they were existing friends.

Look, we all just want to be loved and feel supported by a community of people who accept and know us. You were doing a good thing in way, but in a twisted manner. (The affair part.) Sounds like you just wanted to be a part of something good -- is their family happy? I see that in my H's AP -- I 100% feel she really liked and admired our family, and wanted in a twisted way to be us. It is creepy. But, it comes from wanting to be feel loved and a part of something, I think.

On the other hand, I enjoyed her and her H's company tremendously, but thought their family felt cold and odd, although I cared about them a lot.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
pizzalover
Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Then you need your own IC. Your MC is working with the two of you as a married couple and clearly doesn't have the experience to address your issues that allowed to do this.

I do have an IC that I see 2x a week. We are working on my causes but haven't figured everything out yet. Our MC is very good and we are starting to address current issues and problems in our relationship.

If your C hasn't "seen an A like yours before", find a more experienced one. For your own sake and sanity.

She hasn't worked with anyone that started an affair and then introduced the BH to the AP and family. She has worked with people who have kept their affair separate from their BH. She has seen affairs where the WW became friends with the AP's wife but not my particular situation.

Look, we all just want to be loved and feel supported by a community of people who accept and know us. You were doing a good thing in way, but in a twisted manner. (The affair part.) Sounds like you just wanted to be a part of something good -- is their family happy? I see that in my H's AP -- I 100% feel she really liked and admired our family, and wanted in a twisted way to be us. It is creepy. But, it comes from wanting to be feel loved and a part of something, I think.

On the other hand, I enjoyed her and her H's company tremendously, but thought their family felt cold and odd, although I cared about them a lot.

Bionic girl, you bring up a lot of good points. I did feel very accepted in their family and their family seemed very happy, although some of that could have been my projections. I did admire their family and it was very creepy. My BH made a comment once that my AP and wife would take a restraining order out on me. During the A I legitimately cared about them all. I know that doesn't make sense because I was destroying them. I think in integrating myself in their family I was trying to get what I perceived that I didn't have in my own FOO.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Really because usually I notice the Waywards does introduce the OW to their family mine did both times.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3180 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
pizzalover
Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Heartache, did WH explain why he did that?

[This message edited by pizzalover at 2:04 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
pizzalover
Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

My BH asked me last night if I had been on SI in awhile. I posted this thread last week, and I thought he saw it, but he didn't. Here is his email response to reading it. He gave me permission to post.

I read it. It makes me very angry because you act as if all this was out of your control. If you knew it was wrong and knew it would hurt people and still did it anyway, what else is there to say? This was all within your power to do or not to do. Crying and feeling bad after the fact is to me useless. You should have not done this to begin with. You fell for this loser's advances and now I get to suffer pain that you cannot fathom.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Your BH is most articulate and to the point. His anger is obvious yet you had a great Thanksgiving holiday.

It could be his submerged bitterness will remain until you can deliver some reasons why you had the LTA. I am with your IC; its a rather unusual affair, but I think its vital that you answer his questions sooner rather than later. I cannot see how trust can return without valid explanations.


Posts: 1689 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Iotwitch
New Member
Member # 11380
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

How focused is your IC on figuring out why you did these things and helping you build the skills you need to prevent them from happening again? Therapy that isn't goal-focused can meander.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2006
BeautifulEmpty
Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

I hope it's okay to post.

My WS's last OW...he introduced her to me as 'someone just like you!' We met on my birthday, she came to that following thanksgiving...we became super close friends and ended up living with us after losing her apartment. She was introduced and intentionally integrated into my life and family specifically so that she could be close and they could, in essence, have their time together constantly ongoing. They started their affair right after my birthday (long before she moved in). She knew every problem we were having which was considerable because my H had decided that he wanted to go back to polyamory and I did not. Integrating her was so that I'd love her so much, I'd be okay with her as his second wife.
It totally happens like this...perhaps for different reasons but I suspect mostly so that the APs can spend more time together not in secret. I don't really know, just guessing.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 237 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
TheAgonyOfIt
Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

Hi pizza
Sorry you are feeling pain.

My thoughts are that affairs are most often based on, or rationalized by delusion of one kind or another.

Maybe by integrating your AP and OBS into your life with Bh you someone fed the delusion that what you were doing wasn't so bad.

Now that you have woken up, you can see how really destructive that was.

It was probably about also getting more love into your life. If you can continue to addresss the underlying issues and eventually understand the dynamics, you will move closer to healing.

At least feel good for working to make amends for a wrongdoing. Not every WS has that capacity, and its a positive.



Me BS 49,Him: narcissist! Truly. 5yr++ LTA. DDays 4/2013, 2/2014 true Jekyll Hyde. Planning escape from truly narcissistic abuser. Have ridden wicked emotional ride. Now teeter between disgust and abject pity.

Posts: 546 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Topic Posts: 12