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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Response to Email about Taking Infant DS
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

If you follow my posts you know that STBX scheduled his first visit with DS and cancelled last minute due to "car trouble "(cough, bullshit). He said he is now coming this weekend on Fri night after work to Sat. I asked him to let me know what time to expect him on Fri night and that DS is in bed by 8pm. I also asked him if he was coming with anyone.

He replied:

I am trying to get out of work a little early so I can get there between 6:00 and 7:00. Aunti SIL, grandaddy, and grandma are coming. SIL was only free Friday and Saturday hence the change up. She could really use some DS time after losing [her dog]. We will probably pick him up Saturday around 10:00 and return around 7:00.

Now how should I reply to this. I want to say:

There is no way in hell that I'm gonna let you take my baby anywhere you lunatic. Do you think I'm stupid? You won't agree to every other weekend but you'll drive down here and get a hotel to spend a few hours with your boy because you and your family want to pretend I'm just some surrogate mom who is gonna hand over her baby for one week on and one week off just so you can avoid child support and your mom can relive her baby making days...you loser. You were never around and now you wanna play the victim/ father of the year while some dumb lawyer tells you I'm gonna end up paying all of your legal fees....you idiot.

Sorry for the lack of punctuation. Anyone want to condense this for me into a two-three sentence appropriate response?


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Well, I'm a bit farther down this bumpy road, and I say if you absolutely feel you must respond, do it like so:

I'll have him ready.

Really, anything else is just ego kibbles for the drama llama.

((Newmom))


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

No.

It is a complete sentence. It took me 40+ years to learn it. I knew it when I was a toddler and forgot it by the time I was married.

Seriously, tell him that you will bring DS to him on Saturday morning. That way you will know where he is supposedly staying. Call the hotel in the morning and ring his room to make sure that he is awake before you drop off your son.

If they are checking out on saturday, what is stopping them from checking out and leaving with your son?

I think I would stick with him like glue...

Hugs, the more I think and write-the more nervous I get. Sorry.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5333 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I guess I didn't explain my situation well. He can't take the baby anywhere. We don't agree on overnight visitation and he's threatened to take the baby in the past. I can't allow him to take the baby anywhere until we have a signed and enforceable agreement. I've agreed to certain visitation but he disagrees and we are at a standstill until we get in front of a judge. In the meantime, he can visit with the baby at my parents house, but he can't take him anywhere and he knows that.

Sorry I should have explained it better. I'm also NC with him so posting the above is a bit of a joke. I would never send that.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 6:23 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

So, you moved 2 months ago, and this weekend is about visitation with DS, 9 months; this weekend is not about your marriage and not about divorce.

Keep email to questions of visitation only:
"I agree to you plans for a short visit on Friday evening, from your arrival between 6:00 and 7:00 p.m. and his bed time at 8 p.m.
I also agree that you will pick up DS on Saturday 10:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m."

If you must include mention of the divorce: "I prefer that divorce settlements be handled by our lawyers and not discussed in front of Aunti SIL, grandaddy, and grandma or my parents."


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Do NOT allow this man and/or any of his family to take this child away from your parents' home. If they visit him, they must visit him within the confines of your house. And do not be home alone / without your family member(s) there. Otherwise, what's to stop your stbx from taking your / his son out the door and not returning him to you ? Nothing. And the law would be unable to help you get him back; he would / could remain with your stbx, his parents, etc., until you do go to court. No way I would do this.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 514 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Yes, I totally get that this weekend is about visitation and not Divorce. I just posted that reply because it's been frustrating and I wanted to write that somewhere...and what better place than here.

I have no intention of discussing anything about our case and I'm totally on board with him visiting DS and all that.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
standingonmarble
Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Probably pick him up?? A little to vague for me. Get him nailed down to a specific time, print it out and hope he sticks to it.

Give him a set grace time to be "late", as in "if DS is not picked up by (15 min after set time, whatever your CO/state says) then I will assume you are not coming and will proceed with my plans.

That way you you aren't waiting around all day for his BS and you can keep DS on your schedule.

Also have plans and be ready to leave at the end of the grace time.

If you make it too accommodating for him now, he will run with it and then when you get tired of it and finally clamp down, it will be a bigger reaction than it needs to be. Hold him to the schedule that he agreed to (and document it) each and every time for future court needs. Think of it as teaching him how to respect you as Mother of his child. Obviously he didn't do it before or you wouldn't be here.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

#1 - I hope your brother the cop will be in your home, in uniform.

#2 - Make sure there are more of Team NewMom present than there are of Team STBX.

#3 - You aren't planning to let him remove Baby from the home, are you?

========

How to respond:

Because your Friday night arrival is so close to Baby's bedtime, I would prefer that only you come Friday evening in order to avoid overstimulating Baby. Baby has a bedtime routine that needs to be followed so that he can get to sleep at his regular bedtime. You are welcome to dress Baby for bed & put him down.

Saturday visitation time will take place here in my home. I am not releasing Baby into your custody at this time. Baby's regular feeding times & naptimes will be observed. You are free to feed Baby, change him & put him down for naptimes.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9866 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
debbysbaby
Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

"I agree to you plans for a short visit on Friday evening, from your arrival between 6:00 and 7:00 p.m. and his bed time at 8 p.m.

The above is fine to address Friday night. For Saturday I would say this:

"Until we have a written agreement, visitation with DS will take place at XX residence in my presence. Due to threats that you have made repeatedly in the past this is the only acceptable situation. Please let me know what hours Saturday you are available to do this."


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 882 | Registered: Aug 2011
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

LifeisBroken,

No, I'm not letting him take DS ANYWHERE and my family is gonna be with me. We all prepped for this visit last weekend and my parents will be in the house but not out with us. My sisters and my brother in law are gonna be around in the house.

I just want to say in as little words as possible that he can't go anywhere with DS.

Maybe: You are welcome to come and visit with DS at my parents' home but unfortunately I cannot allow you to leave with him or take him anywhere until we have a signed and enforceable agreement that ensures his return to me.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 6:44 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Nature_girl,

My sister the cop will be there in uniform on Friday night. Already booked her and she will be getting off work. And Helllllllll Noooo I won't be letting him take DS anywhere. Just had that reaction and thought I'd post it here because he thinks he's a sly fox and can manipulate me.

He knows he can't go anywhere with DS because he's sent several emails about the injustice of having to visit his son at my parents' place supervised. And has sent other emails saying, I know I said I'd take DS from you in the past, but I won't...blah blah blah. So he just tried to slip this in like I'm an idiot. Hence my fake response.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 8:41 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

EXACTLY WHAT NATURE GIRL SAID. Or, just say no. You have no orders. They are planning to take him and run. I would say no unless they signed something agreeing to bring him back that your lawyer draws up. He's a sneaky bastard.


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1209 | Registered: Jun 2007
Lostandpregnant
Member
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Oh hell no. No way on earth would he be taking my baby anywhere.
I think you''re spot on with your response.


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Reply

They are more than welcome to visit the baby in your parents home but he will not be taken out of the house.

I agree he should not be allowed to leave with the baby at all. If he doesn't like it too bad.


Posts: 511 | Registered: Aug 2009
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Sorry, your SISTER the cop, not your brother.

And someone is going to block your STBX's vehicle & any other vehicles so they can't take the baby & flee, yes? I'm totally serious. Block them in, block the driveway, something.

Also, I'm wondering if you should get a nanny cam or two in place before everyone shows up? And a VAR or two?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9866 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Absolutely reply with something like:

You and your family are welcome to visit DS at my parent's residence. Until we have orders in place, DS will not be leaving with you.


Just leave it at that. He KNOWS why he can't leave with him.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5547 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Learned in alanon : As long as you know what the truth is, you don't have to convince anyone else of it. Say what you have to 1x. That's it." He knows the rules about it being at your parent's house. Do not bend the rules now.
Your family will be there to back you up. Lucky you with the sister the cop!!!! LOVE THIS!!!!


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2259 | Registered: Jan 2012
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Immediately contact your L. And when you hear back reply with "After consulting with my L, I cannot allow you to visit with DS without supervision because you have previously threatened to take him and not return. Until we have a signed court order for custody and visitation I cannot allow unsupervised visits."

This is assuming that you have written proof of his threat. If you do not have written proof then leave that part out, but leave in the part about the court order.

I think you are going to have to put on a brave/happy face and spend the day with X and his family. Or get someone in your family to do that. It will be hard, but it will drive home the point that you will not allow unsupervised visitation unless and until there is a court order. The risk is just too high. And perhaps cc his parents on your reply so let them know that HE is the reason that there is no court order (maybe not, consult your L on that one).

Good luck. Maybe he will have car trouble again


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

And someone is going to block your STBX's vehicle & any other vehicles so they can't take the baby & flee, yes? I'm totally serious. Block them in, block the driveway, something.
^^^^^^
Effing BRILLIANT!!!! You need to do this!!

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Sounds like "The Clampets Come to Town." Good luck. ((hugs))


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1879 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I just want to say how proud and impressed I am with how far you've come! Strong boundaries! ((Hugs))


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

What Nature Girl said. It is important to have it in writing that you said no and why in case he tries anything


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I'm still guessing he won't show.

But since he has tried to contact you, you need to set the rules before he arrives with his posse. I am sooo glad your family is going to be there with you -- yeah for the sister!

I'd only reply briefly with the short time frame for Friday night (bedtime, etc..) and I like how someone said just ex on Fri night.

This baby isn't going to know ANY of these people, right?. Hello,separation anxiety-- your son is at the prime age for that. Having just dad on Fri night will help with that.

And definitely nail down the time for Sat. The start AND end time. I think 9 hours is waaaaay too long for this first visit. I'd let ex know you put baby down at xx time, so he is welcome to visit for 2 hours before, or 2 hours after. (Or however long...)

Definitely put an end time so you are not sitting there entertaining the ex and his family aallllll damn day. Clearly the baby can't!

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 9:24 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3618 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I'm a bit alarmed here. You say that he *knows* that he can only see the baby at your parents house....and yet his email to you says this:
***We will probably pick him up Saturday around 10:00 and return around 7:00.***

You need to address this with him.....PRIOR to the visit.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:42 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8116 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I'm a bit alarmed here. You say that he *knows* that he can only see the baby at your parents house....and yet his email to you says this:
***We will probably pick him up Saturday around 10:00 and return around 7:00.***
You need to address this with him.....PRIOR to the visit.

Yes, this is my big confusion here, too. He's making a massive assumption that you need to correct immediately.

I'd write:

Loser,

You are welcome to come visit with Baby, Friday evening before 8pm, at my home, before he goes to bed.

On Saturday, you may visit with Baby at my parents' home, as per our arrangement. Until we have a legal, court-ordered agreement, Baby will stay with me or my parents.

I also love the idea of blocking his vehicle in.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2524 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I don't want to be repetitive, but do take all precautions with DS. DO NOT allow the baby to be taken from your home. Without temporary custody orders, whoever has the baby is assumed to have rights to the child. The authorities will not take the child from one legal parent to return it to another. Temp orders are NEEDED!!! Without those, make sure you are the parent who has the baby. I would not even let them take the baby for a walk. Seriously.

If dad and grandparents don't like these restrictions, then maybe it will encourage them to get into court and agree to temp orders about custody.

I have seen this play out in court while I waited for my turn. Moms who were pleading for the court to return a child that had been taken for a visit and not returned.

Prepare for the worst. These people are not your family or friends to you or DS. They likely see you as the one who stole DS from them, so they would just be "taking him back." See?

Don't let your guard down!!

Hoping it all goes smoothly and easily, but be cautious. OVERLY so. And don't apologize for it. It is the right thing to do.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5870 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Must Survive
Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

As a backup I might consider putting a gps on his car while he is in your area. That way if he takes off with DS, you can track him.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." ó Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 799 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
Lostandpregnant
Member
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Yes to the tracker. It's very very easy to place a tracker on someone's vehicle. It can be a grey area legally..but is a chance I would absolutely be taking if my kids were involved.


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Honestly, I would email him back and tell him that you would be more then happy to meet at the local whatever public place that you can stay in a corner while everyone hangs with DS,

NO leaving, NO switching of carseats nada.

If there is nothing in place, then there is nothing that says he can't just take the baby and go.

Your only other option is to open your home to them while they visit with your DS, and I really dont think that is a good option.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I am going to chime in and agree with DO NOT LET HIM LEAVE WITH THE BABY.

They sound like they are all up to something. And if they aren't, then no harm done.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3429 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

He did not take the news well that he cannot leave my parents' house with DS (although he already knew that). He called very member of my family and got my sister on the phone and made threats to take the baby by force and to take my sister's kids too. He said he wants my family to "feel the pain" and he's "sick of doing things the legal way, I'm going to take matters into my own hands."

Just left the courthouse. Filed an injunction for an order of protection.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 2:49 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Oh my GOSH! This guy is psycho!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9866 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I hope you also put DS on the order as a protected person.

Be safe.

((((NewMom))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2632 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

got my sister on the phone and made threats to take the baby by force and to take my sister'a kids too

Your sister? The one who's a cop???

Good news is your immediate problem is solved.
Bad news is that your stbx is a crazy f'n whack-job.

Be safe.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8116 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Just left the courthouse. Filed an injunction for an order of protection.
Honey - SO glad you are taking him seriously and taking action. Sending you tons of strength. (((((newmom & ds)))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25850 | Registered: Aug 2011
betrayedfriend
Member
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

That is the absolute best thing he could have done... For your case. Make sure your son is listed as a protected person. Ask your lawyer to send an emergency letter warning him that in light of his recent threats he is not to come This weekend. Your sister should look into an order of protection for her and her family too. I would also see about letting the police, aside from just your sister know, so that they are on high alert. If he shows at all this weekend or you see his family members, call the police, he is unhinged.

It is now even more crucial that you file for emergency temp orders, requesting no visitation or supervised visitation by a court authority and in a neutral location.

Stay safe, I am seriously worried about yours and your sons' and family's safety with him.

Can you be in contact with a domestic violence shelter? You may need an emergency plan in place if he shows

[This message edited by betrayedfriend at 2:15 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 868 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I happened to be coming to town (my former town) this morning when everything went down. I have him blocked on my phone and a few weeks ago my attorney had requested through his attorney that he no longer call me or email me insulting me because it's harassment. I think that is why he called all of my family members because I wasn't answering. He did not call the police officer sister, he called the elementary school teacher sister. She was standing in front of her first grade class and took the call thinking it was an emergency. He just went off screaming at her....accused her of recording the call (I wish!) and said a bunch of garbage about my family.

His call shook her up. She knows everything that has been going on but even so, she wasn't prepared for his hostility and anger. He threatened to take one of her kids if he couldn't take DS. He said, "If anyone gets in my way I'm going to take them down." "If I can't take DS, then I'm going to take one of your kids so you see what it feels like, so your family can feel the pain." He also said, "I'm calling you in the morning so she can't say I'm calling her drunk all the time." She hung up on him as he was still screaming into the phone. She said she was scared and a chill ran through her whole body because she had never heard him rage like that before.

He is the godfather of her son. My sister and her husband used to go on vacation with us. I'm used to his anger and hostility by now, but it really shook her up. My BIL (my sister's husband) is rightfully pissed and wants to wring his neck. I've asked my family NOT to contact him or his family while I file this injunction for protection so as not to tip him off.

The one good thing is that he sent a text immediately after apologizing for the way he screamed at her. So if it's granted then I have even more proof since it was a verbal threat and not recorded.

Part of me says this is just more of the same hot air he's been spewing since the get go, but I can't take any chances. He is an alcoholic. He is in possession of an unregistered fire arm. I put all of this in my statement.

If it's granted, then we have an order of protection for 2 weeks until we have a hearing. At the hearing the judge can set visitation and child support. The domestic abuse counselors I met with today said they hope it's granted because he's been emotionally abusing way before this incident.

My parents contacted the police department across the street to give them a heads' up. My sister is filing an incident report. My attorney has been on call and on the phone with me all day.

I am on my way back to the courthouse to see if it is granted. I find out at 4:30pm.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Fingers crossed, honey. (toes too)


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25850 | Registered: Aug 2011
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Well, his true colors are coming shining through, now aren't they?

You are lucky that he is so demonstrative with his rage, because you can protect yourself and your family. It doesn't seem like it right now, but it's actually better for you that he is acting the way he is. He's not leaving any doubt.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3429 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Not granted. Not enough evidence. :(

Resisting the urge to call him. I know I can't. I want to talk to him and reason with him but know I can't. I know the guy I used to love is dead. I have to be in warrior mode now. But the old me who used to talk to him and rationalize things with him...I can't let her do it. Ultimately I do want him to be a good dad and have his time with DS, but he is the one playing all these games. It's sad.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Angry  Posted: 5:02 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

NOT GRANTED????? WTF?????

Didn't your sister provide her testimony as well??? What???


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9866 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Document the threats, all of them. Have your sister write out her experience.

Use these threats to cement your nerve this weekend. Be strong with your defense and caution. If he gets ugly or threatening in person, you can return to court.

Keep in touch with the abuse advocates. They will be able to help you with advice and what to document, how to state your experiences to get the ruling you need.

He is unstable. He has shown that.

Even though you appeared in court today and were denied, the paper trail of his behavior has begun.

Hang in there!!!!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5870 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
betrayedfriend
Member
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I wonder if you can have an off duty cop there posing as a friend of the family as an impartial witness if he acts up, preferably someone big and physically intimidating.


I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 868 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I'm sorry they didn't grant it. Did they at least set a date for your temp hearing so this can be solved?

Stand tall this weekend. He doesn't leave the house with DS. I agree, see if your sister's partner or some colleague would come dressed as a civilian and just be a witness of any behaviour.

You can do this girl. I have faith in you.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5547 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Ditto what everyone else said. And get a VAR! This guy is losing it and you need proof of his threats. Do not think of thie filing of the PO as a waste of time. Even though it was not granted, the court now has a record that you filed for it and so they also have a record of the evidence that you provided. Just keep accumulating that evidence.

And stay strong!!
(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
betrayedfriend
Member
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, December 6th (Friday)

I sincerely hope he does not show up today and that you are able to stay safe! If he does show this weekend, please check in frequently so we know you're ok!


I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 868 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, December 6th (Friday)

And get a VAR! This guy is losing it and you need proof of his threats.
Agree 100%. And your family members may want to carry them, also.

(((((newmom))))) Stay strong, honey.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25850 | Registered: Aug 2011
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, December 7th (Saturday)

Any updates?


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1209 | Registered: Jun 2007
Cally60
Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, December 7th (Saturday)

Aunti SIL, grandaddy, and grandma are coming. SIL was only free Friday and Saturday hence the change up. She could really use some DS time after losing [her dog]. We will probably pick him up Saturday around 10:00

So he's bringing an entire posse?
He apparently thought that would get him unsupervised visitation.
And he lost control and raged at your sister at work when you stood firm.

I'm with those who are very concerned, NewMom0220. I think that he may seriously have planned to take and keep your baby. :-(

A kidnap would be easier with his parents there to tend to the baby during the drive home. It is even possible that his parents and sister were in on the plan. (His superfluous explanation of his sister's reason for coming reinforces that suspicion.)

I'm really sorry that you weren't granted the Order of Protection. I think that Nature_Girl's suggestion of blocking in his family's vehicle(s) was excellent. I really think you should do it, if your husband does indeed stick to the visitation plan this weekend.

I'll be thinking of you. {{NewMom}}


Posts: 2117 | Registered: Mar 2009
betrayedfriend
Member
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Thinking of you and hoping you your son and family members are safe! Please know I am praying for your protection. Please update us when you can.


I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 868 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Hoping for the best for you tonight. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4966 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Me, too! ^^

Hoping you can check in soon!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5870 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

After this weekend, tell him he is not welcome to see his son until visitation orders are put in place. Tell him that after the stunt he pulled this past weekend, you're over dealing with his ridiculous bullshit. If he doesn't like it, then he should light a fire under his attorney's ass to get the ball rolling with negotiations. No further discussions about it until a judge decides. Period.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

I'm worried things didn't go well. Anybody heard from her?


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1209 | Registered: Jun 2007
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

Thinking about you and hoping things went ok.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4697 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
ruby44
Member
Member # 41135
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Ok I am officially worried. I think there needs to be a way to reach out to someone who we are worried about. Especially since she has not logged on since Thursday! Praying she and DS are ok.


Me BW 52, Him WH 48
Married 13 years,
2 DDs (12 and 10)
D-Day Confirmed 10/24/13 suspected before that but did not want to believe it.
WH filed for D 11/12/13
2/8/14 WH asked if he could come home.
Lies!

Posts: 277 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I'm also concerned. I'm hoping she's just been too busy & exhausted to update us.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9866 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
LeopoldB
Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Bumping with prayers and good wishes.


Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Let us know you are ok when you have a change NewMom. I know there is probably so much going on, and you are trying to process it all, but when you are up to it, just send us a quick note so we know you are ok. Details can wait.

((hugs))


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5547 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
betrayedfriend
Member
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, December 9th (Monday)

How are you doing NewMom? Thinking about you this morning and hoping you're all ok and safe.


I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 868 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Here is an update....
On Thursday night after I found out that the order of protection was not granted, I sent STBX the following email:

It is unacceptable for you to call my mother, father, and sister to make threats to take DS by force or take one of [my sister's] children. That is completely unacceptable. You should not be contacting any member of my family to insult, threaten, or harass them.

The following statements you made to [my sister] this morning are threats:

"I'm tired of doing things the legal way. I'm going to take matters into my own hands."

"If anybody gets in our way, I'm gonna take them down."

"I'm gonna take one of your kids, so you can feel the pain."

My family is now in fear that you will carry out your threats. My parents no longer can extend an invitation to you to come to their home and therefore the visit for this weekend is cancelled. Do not come to their home. If you come the police will be called.

If you or your family have any questions please go through your attorney.

He replied that he didn't make those statements. I forwarded a copy of my email to my SIL and said, "FYI...I know you were planning on coming down here this weekend and you may not know what transpired today."

My SIL responded saying, "STBX told me what he believes he said. I know his brain does not interpret things accurately so I tend to think that the statements below are closer to accurate. In any case, I don't know what to do cause I have gifts for you & DS, and parents that are dying to see him."

The next morning SIL called me and we spoke for about an hour. I told her to please come and bring the inlaws, that they should come and see DS and still have their visit with him. I didn't realize this when I forwarded my message, but underneath my email was a string of emails with weeks of our emails back and forth. She could see that I've been asking STBX to come visit at my parents' house and also explaining the every other weekend visitation. She and I talked about a few things, I said, sometimes I want to call your brother, he used to be my best friend, I used to be the one who would reason with him about things. Sometimes I feel like calling him and saying, what are you doing? But I know I'll get the same guy who raged on my sister. I told her that his attorney is petitioning for me to pay the legal fees so he is thinking that a long drawn out case is great, cause I'll be the one paying for it. In the meantime, that's money that could go to our son. She said in her opinion, every other weekend is generous since STBX has NEVER kept DS overnight or even longer than 6 hours. I tried not to talk too much about our case, but it was good for her to see those emails to see that I haven't been keeping our son from him, but rather encouraging him to come visit since he will not agree on a temporary visitation schedule.

She said STBX doesn't share things with his family and they have no idea about what is going on. She said her parents are depressed and just wanted to see DS. So they decided to come without STBX. She said she asked her mom if she still wanted to come and her mom said, do you think it will make STBX mad? She told her mom, do you want to see DS or do you want to worry about making STBX mad?

SIL said that when she tried to talk to STBX about his behavior he lashed out at her too. She tried to tell him that this isn't a battle and he should put his weapons down. She asked him if his Lawyer is making him promises she can't keep (about 50/50 custody) and if their family isn't seeing DS in the meantime because of misguided legal advice. She tried to reason with him about "doing whatever it takes to see your son, and if seeing your son at your inlaw's house is what it takes then why can't you do that?" He told her she must be on my side. That she was using language that I use. That she must be talking to me. She said no, I'm not, I'm just telling you what is in the best interest of your son.

They came and got a hotel room to spend the night. My FIL does look pretty weak after his surgery and he has to use the bathroom every 45min or so. It was a very nice visit and they spent all of their time with DS playing with him, feeding him, holding him, etc. They brought us Christmas gifts from the family and it was touching to see how much DS means to them.

After seeing how hard it is for them to make the trip and realizing that this custody case could take forever, my mom and I decided to go back to my old town between Xmas and New Years so that they can have a visit with DS. Not sure how this is going to work with STBX but I'll have to ask my attorney for advice.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lostandpregnant
Member
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, December 9th (Monday)

It sounds like everyone is pretty much on your side, at least, even his own family.
That is SO good.

If you ever get the urge to reach out to him as who he USED to be..you remember the threat of taking your son. NO ONE threatens to take our babies. NO ONE.

Use that to keep you going.


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, December 9th (Monday)

I'm so glad the weekend went well and you didn't have to deal with STBX. His family sounds reasonable and decent, but don't let down your guard. Inlaws can suddenly side with their blood rather abruptly and leave you feeling like you've been betrayed all over again. Don't share TOO much info with them. You can be kind and generous when it comes to them visiting your son, but just be on your guard.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2524 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Inlaws can suddenly side with their blood rather abruptly and leave you feeling like you've been betrayed all over again.
This was exactly what happened to me. The more info they found out about their precious son, the more evidence I showed them which contradicted what he was telling them, it was like they couldn't take anymore, and it was easier to shut me out and stick their heads back in the sand and pretend everything was ok, than to admit that their son/brother/cousin was a lowlife disgusting sociopathic cat killer.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3429 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Wow you did an excellent job! Congrats! I would agree though that you want to keep stuff related to your case close to the vest where your STBX''s family is concerned. No matter what they say they may one day turn on you


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, December 9th (Monday)

After seeing how hard it is for them to make the trip and realizing that this custody case could take forever, my mom and I decided to go back to my old town between Xmas and New Years so that they can have a visit with DS. Not sure how this is going to work with STBX but I'll have to ask my attorney for advice.

As hard as this is to say....I wouldn't do it.

If you could go to a town closer perhaps? I don't know. Traveling away from your home base and going down there leaves you open to anything. You have a stance at your mom's house, but if you are in town and at a hotel, he could call the cops on you for refusing to give the baby to you.

I totally understand the situation and that you want them to have time with their grandchild, but the bigger picture just doesn't warrent that kind of risk.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
betrayedfriend
Member
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, December 9th (Monday)

So glad you and ds are safe! I think it was good for SIL to see those emails but I would not share anything else with her or anyone else in their family. You need to play it close to the vest. In the mean time continue to have witnesses and do not let them take ds anywhere. As much as they are kind and loving to him these are the same people that harassed you about your move. They do not have your best interest at heart.

I would make the effort to continue allowing them occasional visitation at your parents but not taking ds to their town. It's too easy to be cornered or caught off guard.


Your stbx scares the living shit out of me and I don't say that lightly. I think he has every intention of punishing you for leaving and has the desire to harm you. Make sure you are documenting every single interaction, back those up with var recordings, email trails, texts ( take pictures of the texts). And phone records. Any third party documentation to interactions between you two are important too. Have your sister document what he yelled at her, and consider following up with an email to his sister documenting that they had a nice visit to see ds and are welcome to keep in contact with you to schedule further visits. Save any emails between you and his family too, that will all help to show that you are going out of your way to keep ds involved with stbx's family but that stbx's himself is a risk that's too great at this point in time. I truly hope he ends up with supervised visits.

[This message edited by betrayedfriend at 11:30 AM, December 9th (Monday)]


I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 868 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, December 9th (Monday)

The more info they found out about their precious son, the more evidence I showed them which contradicted what he was telling them, it was like they couldn't take anymore, and it was easier to shut me out and stick their heads back in the sand and pretend everything was ok, than to admit that their son/brother/cousin was a lowlife disgusting sociopathic cat killer.

Exactly what happened to me, too, minus the cat killing. (He killed a cat??? )

As nice as inlaws can seem, their wayward child did grow up in their environment, so you must always be cautious that extreme dysfunction could be lurking.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2524 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, December 9th (Monday)

I'm afraid I have to agree. Maybe down the road you can be more generous with sharing DS with them but, for now, one good interaction is not sufficient to start making gestures that help them see him, like traveling to their town. At least not until you have something legal in place...

It's hard for me to say that because you are just trying to be kind. But I don't think you want to set any kind of visitation precedent. You take him down there once and I bet you'll hear about it down the road as something that you should be doing regularly, etc.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, December 9th (Monday)

You are a very kind and thoughtful person, so I imagine this is very hard for you.

I too worry about precedent setting. I have read on here time and again how the families of disordered people like your x, turn on the reliable spouse.

You don't know what will happen in the future, so what you do now matters. Offering them visits when they come to you is more than enough, right now, before the legalities are settled.
And show you are reasonable.

Going to visit them can turn on you. Their lawyer can say, "Obviously you thought they were great people because you went to all that trouble to see them Christmas 2013."

If anyone questions you blame it on legal advice.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jan 2010
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, December 9th (Monday)

I'm agreeing with the rest. If I recall these are the folks who already murmured about a grandparental rights suit. Grandpa will get stronger in time - right? The trip won't be as taxing in the future hopefully. And once you have a legally binding agreement - you can revisit when and where they see DS. Don't set a precedent, and don't leave yourself vulnerable for now...


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4157 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, December 9th (Monday)

After seeing how hard it is for them to make the trip and realizing that this custody case could take forever, my mom and I decided to go back to my old town between Xmas and New Years so that they can have a visit with DS.
OMG, no! NO NO NO NO NO!!!
Do NOT go back to their town until you have a legal document in place for custody/visitation. You would be on their "turf" and could easily be in a situation where they take the baby and you won't be able to get him back.
Please keep that in the forefront of your mind at all times with regard to your inlaws. They can come visit you in your current town if they want to see DS.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6597 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
LeopoldB
Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, December 9th (Monday)

If you go to their town to help make things easier for them, the meeting should be on neutral and public grounds where they cannot claim "ownership" or rights. Your hotel room or the hotel lobby. They cannot take your DS anywhere. All the same precautions should apply. I particularly like the show of your family strength and the "car that just happens to be conveniently parked behind their vehicle".


Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

You all are amazing! I wrote my atty and she says a holiday visit is fine but make sure it's in a public place and that your parents (or a few people) are with you. Etc...

I'm always quick to forgive and forget because I just want this to be over and want a normal existence. But you are all right, his family is his family and they are always going to enable him. I guess I just want DS to have both families in his life and not let his messed up dad ruin all of his firsts. He already ruined so much of this first year...but I have to protect him and I have to get over my fear of being perceived as the bad guy.

You guys are the best BTW....I'm so grateful for all of you. This is the best worst group that no one wants to be a member of. But seriously, I usually post here when I write to my attorney and then compare responses...just to make sure she knows what she's doing.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I'm going against the grain.

I don't see anything wrong with taking your DS to visit the GP's at Xmas time. Go to their town and invite them to see your sweet DS, wherever you are staying. You are present - ALWAYS. They take him anywhere alone - NEVER.

There aren't many states that recognize *grandparents* rights.....especially over a parent who can show that the child of the grandparent has made *threats* towards the child.

So how did the IL's manage a visit without your stbx tagging along? How did that play out and has there been any blow-back from it?


@SS -- you REALLY need to put this on your tagline

their son/brother/cousin [is] a lowlife disgusting sociopathic cat killer

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 12:24 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8116 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 76