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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: How do you move on, alone??
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Concerned  Posted: 5:55 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Help.

I feel so alone.

Does this feeling last forever?

It will be 2 weeks on Friday that I asked him to leave.

I have 2 small children. If I'm not on the freeway to or from work, at work, I'm with my kids. I'm having a hard time adapting.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Does this feeling last forever?

No it doesn't. However, there are no shortcuts. You have to go through them - work it out. Feel them.

I have 2 small children. If I'm not on the freeway to or from work, at work, I'm with my kids. I'm having a hard time adapting.

Start reaching out to your support community - family, friends, colleagues; other moms, people at your day care, etc.

I'm sorry you're here.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

From your bio:
On weekends, we hardly saw him. He was hung over and making hidden plans while pretending to be at work. He was gone a lot, stating he had to work a lot. From 4 days, to sometimes 6-7 days a week. I went to family gathering alone and resented him for that.

You've been alone much longer than 2 weeks, so try not to feel overwhelmed now. Easier said than done.

Do you have friends or an IC who can listen and support you?

(((libertyrocks)))


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

((libertyrocks))

I'm so sorry. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I don't have any kids. I can only imagine what you are feeling at this moment.

I can tell you that the way you feel right now won't last forever, though I know it seems that way. It's awful but you just sort of have to ride it out, like an illness. One day, probably when you least expect it, you'll wake up and find that you feel a little better.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Eat, drink, sleep as much as you can while you cope with the trauma. And by all means, give yourself credit for how strong you are! As ladies_first said, you've already been handling things on your own, so you CAN do this, you already have been doing it. I know the feeling of being alone has become more profound, but I think you'll find that the day-to-day function of your life hasn't really changed all that much, except to become less stressful, since you no longer have an unreliable loose cannon to deal with too. It was like this for me. I realized that he had "left" longgg before he actually left.

You'll be okay. Hang in there!


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 919 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
pregnantandsad
Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

We've been living apart for almost 5 months now and it's much easier than it was. In the beginning I felt the same way, so alone, but it had gotten so much better. I still have my bad days but they are farther apart. When I do feel alone I try to call a friend, get out if the house for a bit (even if it's just running to the store) or find done thing funny on tv to lift my mood.


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I am feeling exactly the same. My divorce was final last week.

My ex I believe is already out there dating. He was screwing around the whole marriage, made a pass at my friend, spent joint funds on OW and made me feel like a single parent while we were married. I did everything for him and for us.

And yet, and yet......

I feel hurt that he is dating. I feel unloved, unwanted, discarded. It hurts. I want to be loved unconditionally and I wasn't by this man. I feel old and past my shelf life.

I thought he loved me and we would be together all the way. Accepting that that is not true is very painful.

But, I do know that it is better to process the pain and work on myself than jump into another relationship. That's an easy fix but it has it's own consequences down the line.

In my opinion, it is better to be single now even though it doesn't feel that way!


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

((((liberty)))) You are not alone, honey. We're here. We understand, and we've got you.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25777 | Registered: Aug 2011
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

LR, someone once asked me how I raised 5 kids. I answered I don't think about it I just do it. It was automatic. They asked if it would be easier with just 2, I said sure but you tell me which 3 I should give away.
This is something that you have to go through, it will be automatic, your mind will let you know what and when you can deal with certain aspects of the healing. Time carries us away from the damage and heals us slowly but it does heal. I can honestly say that I believed at the beginning of my journey I would spend the rest of my life miserable without him. I was so wrong. 2 and a half years later and it still surprises me to say just how happy I am and I am loving being alone. Really, loving the independence. I cannot tell you how shocked I am about myself and my happiness. I really hope you find this on your own journey.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1778 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

You've been alone much longer than 2 weeks, so try not to feel overwhelmed now. Easier said than done.

^^THIS. This. A thousand times this.

I'm alone now but I'm nowhere near as lonely as I was in that M.

My girls were just 4 and 18m on DD. Final S was 6m later.

I'm a far better mother, daughter, friend - woman. I would never have believed it 2 years ago, 18m ago. Never.

You won't always feel this way. Right now you cannot imagine a future without him.

What I want you to know is that you KNOW the future you were going to have with him. He showed you. Left you with no doubt. I too felt safer in a toxic way with what I knew.

You have a no idea of how amazing your future can be without him. In time you will. Keep looking after yourself. Try to carve out some time for you - to sleep, cry on the floor - rage walk/clean. Whatever you need. Take any/all offers of help. You don't have to do this alone.

It won't always feel this way. I promise. When I was where you are now someone here said these words to me: "Someday soon this won't be something that is happening, it will be something that has happened".

Little comfort right now, I know. But it is true.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Take this great advice you have gotten from these great and strong people who have and are still in this battle . Including me. I am sorry you are feeling this. But it gets easier. I promise. Focus all on you and kids now I mean all. More than before. You will get through this.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 684 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Lostandpregnant
Member
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

I ask myself this every single day. I have no idea what the answer is, but I wanted you to know you aren't alone in what you are going through. I am a mom as well, pregnant with twins, trying to figure out how I am going to raise 7 kids under 14 by myself.


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
crumbs
New Member
Member # 28953
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

I agree that you have to go through all of the stages...there really isn't a short cut. At first I just tried to stay too busy to allow myself to grieve and "feel." I give a lot of credit to a counselor I went to who helped me work more on "me" than just focusing on the split. Just deep, deep breathing was sometimes enough to help me through a tough time.

For me, I started an on-line journal and I can read back a year ago, two years ago...now three! And I'm amazed that while sometimes I feel like I'm standing still, I've actually moved miles forward in that time.

You will, too.


Me - 54
Him - 55, NPD
Married 17 yrs - together 23
15 year old
Discovered porn addition 11/09
Wouldn't stop - Moved out 8/10
Filed 11/11
Praying for an end to this

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jul 2010
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Thank you so much everyone. I just started my anti-depressant meds today. Hopefully, they will help with yet another life changing event. I truly appreciate each and every one of you sharing a little piece of yourselves with me. I need your support right now.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Lostandpregnant
Member
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

You have it. We are beside you.


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I would look into mommy and me groups, play groups. Networking with other moms could be a great way to get free babysitting if you swap kids (you take them for her, she takes them for you kind of thing)

It is very overwhelming to know that you can't just say 'watch them' for a little while while you take a breath.

Contact any local college that offers Elementery Ed. and see if they could post for a baby sitting gig.

Contact local Girl Scouts, some even have a baby sitting badge that you could help them get. They have to take a baby sitting course so they will have basic first aid and the like.

I am not sure how old the kiddo's are, but its never really to early to start them on easy chores to help you out. My little man, 4, gets stars when he dresses himself, picks up his toys, helps me load the dishwasher, and stuff. Nothing major, but still - its more then before. My little girl gets stars for the same, but she doesn't help with dishes. She's pretty good at cleaning her room up and loves to dust!....just give her a rag and she washes until the rag's dry.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Liberty, you have to move on b/c you have to stay strong for your kiddies. I envy some of y'all w/kids, in that you have to focus on moving forward.

Personally, I feel a little stuck on the moving forward. But ... here are some of the things I did that put some miles betwixt XH & me.

Started cooking up a storm of things XH wouldn't eat; started a pool team; made new friends.

That's a few things that anyone can do, practically anywhere.

Reach out to your family, friends, neighbors, church, etc. You have this gigantic family here on SI.

And, AD's def help.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 767 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Topic Posts: 16