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User Topic: He betrayed me and lied.
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I caught him on a social media site that he didn't tell me about. His only friends were his old gf and his best buddy (who covered for him with an elaborate lie). I confronted him and he lied and lied and lied. He said it wasn't him (it was a dummy account with a fake name) but I knew it was him because it was a name he used in high school.

He denied it until I hacked it and told him I had the proof. Then he finally came clean. He has been remorseful ever since. I'm back on the infidelity roller coaster. I ate 3 bites of banana all day (I think I just posted about gaining 20 pounds so that problem might be solved.) I have cried off and on all day including at school.

He said he is willing to do anything I ask, be totally transparent and wants to fix this. I am not making any decisions right now because I know the drill and I am too exhausted to think clearly anyway.

Right now I just feel everyone is so flawed and I can't trust anyone. I broke up with him and I miss him but I am talking to him because I need answers and he is at least working hard to give me the real ones. He also wants me to go to counseling with him this week. I don't know.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Ah crap, so, so sorry for you. I have no idea what path would be the right one for you to take just wanted to send you a hug.


divorced!

Posts: 2680 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

(((NA)))

Posts: 3388 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
tuesdayschild
Member
Member # 18690
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I am so sorry. I was naive again too.

Big hugs.


EA discovered 12/23/07
reconciliation in 2008
husband died March 2010
new beginning December 2012

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: the land of healing hearts and new dreams
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Oh, honey - WTF????

(((((((NaiveAgain)))))) I hardly know what to say.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25381 | Registered: Aug 2011
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Last week:
my SO lied to me a couple days ago. About something really stupid, he lied about the price he paid for his iphone.

The bigger issue here was the lying, which he knows I can't deal with, and which he thinks may be a sabotage thing because he said he is pretty much waiting for the other shoe to drop and me to tell him to just go home and not come back. It's funny because I am waiting for that shoe to drop too.

Well the the shoe has dropped. He lies about money. He lies about people.

You know who he is: LIAR.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

What? This makes no sense.

(((naiveagain)))


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3091 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Oh my goodness! I cannot believe this. Take care of yourself. You will be ok.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3585 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Is this guy much younger than you?

If so, I believe I told you in another post that he has a lot of issues that would lead to infidelity if they weren't handled. Because you have done this once before, I hope you will listen when I tell you that you need to leave him. His issues aren't the easy fixing kind... (He is the one with the grandmother butting in, right?)

I don't mean to be harsh, but I remember us telling you these red flags in another post and they are were basically ignored. I was hoping that you would keep an alert out for this, because his boundary issues and not growing up do lead to infidelity. I am so sorry this happened, I just been in this same spot and saw the red flags distinctly. Please detach from him. Figure out what is going on with you why you are unable to see the red flags clearly.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 638 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

he is at least working hard to give me the real ones.

NA, I'm so sorry you have to go through this again, but how do you know his answers are going to be the truth?

Liars lie. End of story.

Time to start putting all your energies into rebuilding your belief in yourself, standing alone without all this bullshit swirling around you. Life is way too short.

Big hugs. You know you need to move on. Don't let him suck you in.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 9:20 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17394 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

So very sorry. Hugs to you.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

(((NA)))

I'm so sorry. Please go back and reread everything you've written about this guy and think about what you'd tell a friend. I've noticed red flags since almost the beginning that were always explained away. Please, you deserve so much better. Especially in the beginning stages, a relationship shouldn't be so much work. He is broken and you can't fix him.

More hugs -- wish I could give them to you in person. Please focus on yourself. Cut contact if at all possible. He shows a consistent patterns of lying, poor boundaries, juvenile behavior. You deserve so much better.

(((NA)))


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3363 | Registered: Dec 2011
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

(((NA)))


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

(((NA)))

Posts: 11674 | Registered: Mar 2008
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

(((naiveagain)))

Posts: 35228 | Registered: Mar 2011
Harriet
Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Oh I am so sorry.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 464 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

(((NA)))
Well this just sux but at least it's more clear that his problems are great. No matter how nice he treats you in other ways and tries, lying will just not work. He sounds like a scared little boy not wanting to get caught. I'm so sorry I know you had some good times. I hope you can let this one go and not waste your precious energy on the bullshit of his crazy.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5826 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 3:40 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Thanks for the support and opinions.
Please detach from him
I am, sort of naturally. I was in total shock the first 36 hours, but now the anger is hitting. I was SOOOOO good to this man. I loved him completely and totally. I treated him with respect and compassion.

He was good to my face but basically f*cked me behind me back over and over.

Here is what I found out (and I suspect there is more but he isn't to the point where he is confessing anything yet so obviously he isn't trying that hard here):
He lied to me after the first 3 weeks of our dating. He had fb then and she accepted an old friend request, and he talked to her a bit. I found out and he deleted the account. He told me though, when I found out about her on there, that he didn't even know she was on there and they never spoke. He didn't admit to this, I found out about the lie because he contradicted himself 10 months later (I don't forget this kind of shit).

He lied about the ipod. He lied about the slushie.

He HID the fact that he was driving another bitch back and forth to work (I made that a non-negotiable because I knew he was a bit weak on boundaries but he was working on them, so I hung in there but told him that there were certain things I needed from him. I thought he was respecting me on them. Nope.) She no longer works there but who cares? He lied to me.

This last one. He wouldn't have told me if I hadn't found out. Nothing physical happened (because he was only on there 2 days before I found out and because she is in a relationship with someone else and wasn't interested, although I suspect her to be sociopathic so it wouldn't be above her to cheat). But she has 650 friends and is apparently busy juggling a few other guys right now. She uses him for emotional food/ego stroking. Although nothing happened, it doesn't matter because it is all about intent.

He says he needed to find out if she had his child. She told him (lied apparently) that she had his child in 2007 and he has wondered ever since. Since he found her he was checking to find out, but once he found out, he didn't delete her account. So honestly, I think he was fishing to see if something was still there.

I know I can't trust him at this point. Right now I am leaning towards telling him I never want to see him again. I go back and forth. I will make a final decision once the shock wears off, and I comprehend everything better.

He does seem serious about wanting to fix his problems. I did refer him to this site. I will see how serious he is about that also before I make my final decision. I always tell the BS there is no hurry to make a decision, they will do it in their own time when things are clear for them. I am taking my own advice on this and giving it some time.
I do realize I am doing better on my choices although it may not seem so. At least this one treated me well to my face and was somewhat honest and truthful about some things. So at least at this point I know I deserve someone that treats me well. Now I just need to find someone that CONSISTENTLY treats me well, to my face AND behind my back.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 3:43 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 4:14 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

NA

I don't know how to do quote, but he DID NOT treat you somewhat well. Nor was he somewhat honest and truthful.

He has lied to you about multiple things, hid things from you etc. He is not interested in changing and fixing his problems. He didn't come to you and confess. He lied and lied even when confronted.

This is who he is. And I bet there is more you don't know. I'm sorry you are hurt. Respect yourself because he sure as heck isn't respecting you.

[This message edited by hummingbird8 at 4:14 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 504 | Registered: Aug 2009
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Now I just need to find someone that CONSISTENTLY treats me well, to my face AND behind my back

Gently, may you just need some time to yourself. Time out from looking, time out from men, time out from putting yourself out there. You don't NEED any one but you. You make yourself happy.

And gently, when we go through relationships, we become broken people. You need time to fix yourself before moving on to a new relationship. If you don't, this will continually keep happening because you will continue choosing broken people who hurt you. Stop choosing people who hurt you because you haven't taken the time out for yourself to determine why you let them treat you this way.
Fix yourself. You are broken.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 638 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

movingforward, I know. I spent 2 years alone after the WS before I dated anyone. I know who I am. I am comfy with me. I like me.

I am not going to look right now. I am a mess. I don't want anyone else right now. It will probably be at least a year before I start opening up to that possibility again. I just meant next time, because I most probably WILL date again at some point, I need to keep doing better with my selections.

Also, as many on here know, my tastes and what I am looking for in a guy have evolved. I no longer am even slightly attracted to the "bad boys" that I used to date. I want a grown up that can have calm discussions. This guy never lost his temper with me, raised his voice, or called me names. That is an improvement for me.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:43 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Fix yourself. You are broken
How? I just figured out about the lying. I had no clues during the relationship that he was lying. I knew he had issues but they weren't major at that point and no one IRL had big problems with them, including my family and bff who knows him fairly well now because we spent EVERY weekend together. Most people just said to keep my eyes open, and that is what I did, and how I found out about this.

because you haven't taken the time out for yourself to determine why you let them treat you this way.
I just figured this out. Before I found out about the lies, I was very happy. He was treating me very well (at least to my face and from what I could see. I didn't see what was going on behind the scenes, it took a while for that to show up!).

I am now in shock. I can't just turn off the love faucet and turn off all my feelings immediately. That would mean I was compartmentalizing or I had a personality disorder. I have no plans on staying with someone who treats me bad or disrespects me but I need a little time to work thru this...at least more than 24 hours!

Also, the people that have been on here for a while know my story. I have dated several others, including an XSO that I was madly head over heels for. I had a hard time detaching from him also, but I did. I NEVER stay with someone that treats me badly, and I am getting quicker at leaving once I find out. But again, 24 to 48 hours would be a record and I think pretty near impossible since I haven't even been able to come out of shock just yet.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:39 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

(((NaiveAgain)))

From the outside, the decision is easy and clear.

Did you read cayc's thread about being conditioned to accept emotional abuse?

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=515415

We all know how hard it is to pull away from someone that you care about, but at some point you need to realize that the way he is treating you is not…good.

[This message edited by cmego at 8:06 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4145 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

I had no clues during the relationship that he was lying.

Didn't people on here warn you over the course of your relationship that there are red flags concerning his behavior/choices? In fact, haven't people done that with every relationship you've brought to this site? Yet, each time you dismiss what people say.

Fix yourself. You are broken

This is true. There is still a running theme to the men you pick. You need to be the caretaker...the fixer...the mother to these men. The only difference in this relationship and the others is that you went from immature, irresponsible grown men who are bad boys to an immature grossly younger man that you could mother. None of these men has been an equal in any way.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13753 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
lifestoshort
Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

run away. you dont need another bad ending. be strong. this time you have boundaries and will not be a doormat. stand up and walk away and feel good about it. no crying.


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
Dawnie
Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

(((NA)))

Hang in there....


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 48)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 802 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

(((NA)))

This is so much to deal with and at this time of year especially hard.

I remember you posting about him when you first started out, and how giddy you were about the age difference etc., but you went into it willing to roll with whatever the relationship delivered.

They say it takes about 18 months for the mask to come off. I'm starting to believe that is very true.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17394 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

I just wanted to tell you I'm really sorry. I know it is so hard for you.


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

I just figured this out. Before I found out about the lies, I was very happy.

Really? Honestly?

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder a few weeks ago.

Lots of things not adding up.

Maybe when the shock wears off?

((NaiveAgain))


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

I can't just turn off the love faucet and turn off all my feelings immediately. That would mean I was compartmentalizing or I had a personality disorder.

Or...it could mean you've finally seen the light.

For the record as you know, I've never been a fan of this guy or this relationship.

He constantly shows you who he is and instead you turn your head to the glitter ball.


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21051 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

((NA))

just take care of you right now. take some time to sort it all out in your head. I kind of agree with AJs mom.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

((NA))

I'm sorry your are going through this. I don't respond to a lot of posts anymore, but still read daily. I have read many of yours about this guy and there were lots of flags waving - maybe not all bright red, but definitely some cautionary yellows.

It can be so hard to see those flags in our own personal situations, when they are so clear to others. I kinda had a feeling something was bound to happen sooner or later with this guy based on your past posts.

I hope you take the time to really think about whether or not this is someone you want to continue a relationship with. I think you are deserving of so much more.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2231 | Registered: Feb 2010
dontknowwhyme
Member
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

(((NaiveAgain)))

I'm sorry to hear what has happened. I've been curious as to how this relationship was going to pan out. It seemed off to me for a while. Too many small things really is an indicator for so much more. I hate that you are hurting right now. I know you are a great person who deserves so much more than this. Be strong honey, I believe that if you really dig deep into this relationship and nit pick the past then the decision you make will ultimately be the correct one.

Myself, I really don't have any desire to wait around for someone to "fix" themselves so that we can build a good relationship. I want them "fixed" before they even offer themselves to me as an option.


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 999 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
dontknowwhyme
Member
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Let me know if you need to grab a coffee sometime. I think I'm a pretty good listener.


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 999 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
GingerBird
Member
Member # 19097
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

"I think the most important thing to remember when someone abandons us, the people they are supposed to love, is that the problem resides with them, not us. People that are mentally healthy will stick around and work things out, take care of their responsibilities, and deal with problems. People that are emotionally immature, have personality disorders, or have other mental problems will run. "

I saw this in a post of yours. I used to think like this but I don't believe it's true anymore. The people who are mentally healthy will stick around and try and sort things out *before* they become boundary busting issues. They deal with problems, not deal with being found out when this person they are supposed to love catches them like a naughty school child.

I got my ideas about relationships from what I saw my parents doing, or not. They were never happy and never really tried to sort things out properly. I grew up with one requirement in relationships and that was to be with someone who would stick around and try and sort out problems. What I missed, was the point.... Relationships aren't supposed to be hard work all of the time. Working hard at them isn't what defines them. How they enhance your life should be the point. Without that belief deep down I've wasted 10 years on 2 completely f*&$ed up boyfriends.

This guy has totally blown your boundaries and trigger points out the water. He lied about a SLUSHIE!!!!! I don't know the background to that one but WTF!!! If he'll lie about something like that there is a much bigger problem there, and you don't have to sacrifice years of your life *supporting* him in *apparently* trying to sort it out. He isn't your responsibility and you deserve better than to be disrespected like that.

You'll get support whatever you decide to do. Trust yourself. Take care of yourself right now - you know the drill there too xx

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-truth-about-porkies-are-you-comfortable-with-being-lied-to/

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/to-tell-the-truth-the-frustration-of-dealing-with-someone-who-lies-about-your-relationship-or-their-contribution/

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-telling-little-lies-can-end-up-mattering-in-a-big-way/


"True happiness does not come from experiencing pleasures of the body and ego—but from having experiences that stimulate your core self—your “soul”—challenging and inspiring you to grow into your highest potential as a person"

Posts: 836 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: UK
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I think you are deserving of so much more.

^^^This

NA, you have been so stressed throughout this relationship, maybe not all because of the relationship, but you're being depleted. Spend some of your valuable energy on yourself for a while, you deserve it.

While the standard SI wisdom is to take your time before making any rash decisions, it is really difficult for me to recommend that with such a short relationship. Relationships take work, but at this stage in your relationship it should still be relatively easy. It takes 3-5 years to rebound from something like this and you only have 11 months of ups and downs to sustain you.


Posts: 3388 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I admire you actually. I love the fact that you are willing to put yourself out there and face all the challenges that loving somebody can bring. I don't believe that any of us ever truly knows another person after a couple of years, after a lifetime together maybe. You will no doubt feel the pain for a while but at least you are willing to feel.


divorced!

Posts: 2680 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Thank you all for the caring advice and hugs. DKWM, thanks for your offer! I may give you a call at some point....

Spend some of your valuable energy on yourself for a while, you deserve it.
This is probably the most important thing I need right now.

I admire you actually. I love the fact that you are willing to put yourself out there and face all the challenges that loving somebody can bring. I don't believe that any of us ever truly knows another person after a couple of years, after a lifetime together maybe. You will no doubt feel the pain for a while but at least you are willing to feel.
Thank you. That was a lovely thing to say and it means a lot.

I just figured this out. Before I found out about the lies, I was very happy.

Really? Honestly?
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder a few weeks ago.
Lots of things not adding up.

Maybe when the shock wears off?

Yeah, we actually talked about that this evening! We did sit down and have a heart to heart. I have had so many questions (you know, all the standard ones that we need to ask) and he has finally gotten real with me (I know, because I don't like a lot of his answers and they hurt, but they finally ring true for a change.) And I told him that actually, this relationship had been making me sick for a while. I told him that things were great when he was here, but when he left, my gut would act up. I was uncomfortable when he was away from me. I would feel abandoned, and not connected to him. That isn't normal.

And I found out that he had been compartmentalizing. When he is with me, he is with me completely. But when he left, his need for some type of positive affirmations somewhere led him into some bad situations (no PA, but 2 of what I would consider EAs, short lived, 2 to 4 days each, but betrayal anyway because they were kept hidden.) So yes, apparently my gut was talking to me again and I ignored.

You need to be the caretaker...the fixer.
Yeah, and seriously I am kind of tired of it. One of the reasons I DID like this one is because he spent a lot of time taking care of me also and listening to my problems and being supportive.
He is reading on here and learning. He went thru the library and is working thru all the WS FAQs, writing his answers and getting some good insight. I did let him tell me what he has learned so far. I can't help it, we were best friends first and that kind of kicked in because we both worked on our issues together a bit. Plus I did want to hear what he has to say. I am happy he is getting some help, because no matter what I decide, it will put him on a healthier path.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:46 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I admire you actually. I love the fact that you are willing to put yourself out there and face all the challenges that loving somebody can bring. I don't believe that any of us ever truly knows another person after a couple of years, after a lifetime together maybe. You will no doubt feel the pain for a while but at least you are willing to feel.

I also think you show a lot of courage to be in a relationship at all, you've had horrible examples of relationships in the past but you haven't given up in general, though maybe on this particular one.

I'm sorry for the shock. There's no need to take action until you are good and ready.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5826 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

There's no need to take action until you are good and ready.
Thank you. I need reminding of this. I'm already in shock. I just can't make any huge decision right now.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I did let him tell me what he has learned so far. I can't help it

Yes, you can help it. All you are doing is feeding the caretaker need when you do this.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13753 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Hope24
Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

It's so sad to watch you go through another heartbreak, NA.

You're an amazing woman. Don't let him bring you down any more than he already has. There are men out there that won't hurt you, beautiful lady.

Big hugs.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

All you are doing is feeding the caretaker need when you do this.
No. I am not interested in taking care of him. Honestly, I wanted to know what he learned as far as how it relates to me. Why he did what he did. Because of how it affected me. Right now, I am in pain and everything I am doing with him is for me me me. I want answers.

Thanks Hope.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 9:37 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, December 6th (Friday)

If he is doing this shit now, what is he going to do later?


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3350 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Right now, I am in pain and everything I am doing with him is for me me me. I want answers.

I get that, I really do. He did it because he wanted to and he thought you wouldn't find out.

It is really that simple. The bigger question is why you have convinced yourself that any answer he gives you is "for you". Any anwer he gives is for himself, and his own selfish thought patterns. Really! Any further interaction with him is you trying to convince yourself that it is for you own understanding, or your own healing.

Your own healing will come entirely from within yourself.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, December 6th (Friday)

PS.

what he learned as far as how it relates to me.

It doesn't relate to you, only to him.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
thyme2go
Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, December 6th (Friday)

Right now, I am in pain and everything I am doing with him is for me me me. I want answers.

Unfortunately, those answers will not come from him. Look within...

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9177 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, December 6th (Friday)

Honestly, I wanted to know what he learned as far as how it relates to me.

What could he possibly tell you in that short amount of time that would even be valid? All he could do is parrot what he read in order to satiate you at that moment.

Any further interaction with him is you trying to convince yourself that it is for you own understanding, or your own healing.

I have to agree with alphakitte on this.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13753 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, December 6th (Friday)

Myself, I really don't have any desire to wait around for someone to "fix" themselves so that we can build a good relationship. I want them "fixed" before they even offer themselves to me as an option.
^^^This wisdom from Dontknowwhyme^^^ repeat it until it sticks.

I'm a fixer and a helper and a healer too. But now I only do it for myself and my friends not anyone I date...

(((NA))) When the shock wears off, give yourself some time--weeks maybe--of NC with this guy so you can sort it all out for yourself without his influence.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3130 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, December 6th (Friday)

What could he possibly tell you in that short amount of time that would even be valid? All he could do is parrot what he read in order to satiate you at that moment.
I need to think about that one.....

He did it because he wanted to and he thought you wouldn't find out.
Yeah. I do know that. He knows that also. It was very selfish.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 10:41 PM, December 6th (Friday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Helen of Troy
Member
Member # 26419
Concerned  Posted: 9:11 AM, December 7th (Saturday)

Dear NA, I am so sorry for your pain.
I feel a special kinship with you since we were in the same 'class', by that I mean SI joining time.

Please don't let this dim the beautiful spirit, caring person that you are.

Also, consider going NC and 180 at least until you get back on your footing. Do this for YOU.


Posts: 4703 | Registered: Dec 2009
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, December 7th (Saturday)

Thank you Helen.
Also, consider going NC and 180 at least until you get back on your footing.
I am detaching some, but I go back and forth. He used to be the one I ran to FOR comfort, now he is the cause of my pain.

I am so angry and hurt. He promised he would not drive other women around because I knew he was working on boundary issues. I asked him SPECIFICALLY about the women at work. And then he looked me in the eyes, left my home twenty minutes earlier than usual, telling me he needed gas or food, and it was to pick up the damsel in distress and take her nasty ugly butt to work with him. AND HE DIDN'T EVEN REALLY LIKE HER!!!!!!!! Except for the ego stroking validation he got. He left me, the one he "loved" and wanted to make a future with, just so he could be the hero. AND WE TALKED AND TALKED ABOUT HIS KISA ISSUES! HE WAS AWARE OF THEM AND HE EVEN WAS CAREFUL AROUND ME WHEN WE WERE JUST FRIENDS! When he felt himself needing to rescue me, he would back off and tell me about it. So I thought he was doing really well with the issue. I respected this one because he was in counseling and working hard on his issues. He would talk them OVER with me!!!!!

I'm so stupid. What the hell is wrong with me? I thought we were equals because I've done a lot of counseling for my issues and have come far...I thought he was working on his too and I SAW him making progress before I agreed to date him. I thought people could change. I have. I know I've become a better person. I had some bad traits. I've had some character flaws. I worked really hard to fix those. So I thought people could change. I've seen people work on here and change.

He looked me in the eyes and lied, because his selfish need for ego-stroking was more important than anything real with me. I hate him.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 52