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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: How do you stop loving them
renee21
Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I'm too tired to write out my long drawn out history with infidelity.....latest is over inappropriate relationship at least ...within reformed wayward and recovering SA boundaries......the battle began in June things haven't gotten better he has been in and out of house repeatedly.....

I think we are done at this point but I just hurt so much because I still love him. He's not going to change he is completely lost and out of recovery mode

How do you get over them, stop loving them...I wish I was to the I don't give a damn point but I'm not. This is so hard and the kids are hurting right along with me. My two teenagers want nothing to do with him they are so angry and he only interacts with my 9 year old son because he still thinks daddy is superman. My daughter and I both cry on a regular, she just uninvited him to her sweet 16 she is so angry....this just kills and more so to see the kids pain.

How the hell do they live with themselves ..



BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1325 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

You don't have to stop loving him. You can love him until the cows come home....and that doesn't mean that he is a *healthy* person to have in your life.

What you need to realize is that he is a toxic individual who is poisoning you AND his own kids. Look at the agony and pain in your kid's faces. He is hurting your kids.....and your *love* for him is keeping him in their face.

Go Mama Bear. Protect yourself and your kids from him and his *I'm blowing off my recovery* bullshit.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8005 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

When you realize that they are not the person you fell in love with. That person is in your mind.

They were either never that person to begin with and hid it for a long time or, over time, changed into someone else.

It really doesn't matter which.

That person is gone.

You can grieve the loss but never make someone love you back.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Duplicate

[This message edited by Merlin at 10:29 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Shortly after my d day my uncle said something that stuck. He said that love doesn't go away. But it can change. I'll never love my STBX in the romantic lifetime way but she'll always be part of my life, my past. And in time I'll look back on the good times we had and appreciate the good memories she is a part of. The trick is not to romanticize those moments and accept that person is a part of your past, and not the same person you married at all.

Worked for me


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 749 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

When you realize that they are not the person you fell in love with. That person is in your mind.
They were either never that person to begin with and hid it for a long time or, over time, changed into someone else.

It really doesn't matter which.

That person is gone.

You can grieve the loss but never make someone love you back.

^^THIS - and loving myself more.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

After some time, with therapy and help, you realise there's nothing to love.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

You may not. I still very much love the man I shared most of my life with, he is no longer that man. He has shown me his new self over and over and I don't like him. I don't wish him any harm, he does enough to himself, that doesn't mean I can have him in my life. He has shown me that I can't trust him, believe him and that he has no concern for me or our children's feelings. It is okay to still care and validate that you did/do love this man, just acknowledge that he isn't safe for you also.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1754 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
lifestoshort
Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

it took me yrs to stop. I ended up dating a really affectionate man who did things my ex didnt and thats when I stopped. when I saw that men can be kinder and more of what I needed or wanted. then he didnt seem to worth it anymore. and hes so not worth it.

it gets way better. mostly when you dont fill your head with the good. moments of good is never enough to live.


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Time and distance. And I agree that the love never goes away, it just changes.

I've found that the biggest factor in changing my feelings for my STBXH is my STBXH! Once you get some clarity and start seeing on the crap they pulled and STILL pull, it really changes your attitude.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1764 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

I think the answer has to be "lots of practice". i.e. It just takes time.

I hate that answer, but it seems to be true - and I'm not there yet. However, I find that every time I see The Princess, I feel a little less tenderness for her. Eventually, I expect I'll feel nothing; you should be able to expect the same, eventually.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1927 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Sending you hugs (((((renee21 and kiddos)))))

Start focusing on you ... loving you. Putting all that energy on you. Your perspective will slowly evolve. You need to heal and rebuild your life and your children will follow YOUR lead.

I am one year out since stbx walked out and the one thing that I know worked for my kids and I is that I had to process (grieve, heal, rebuild) this huge shit sandwich in order to set an example for my teens. My teens also have nothing to do with stbx ~ like yours, they are in their own stages of grief and it's ok.

The pain is unbelievable but it does get better and you will find strength and optimism within you that you didn't expect.

What helped me personally was I grieved the husband I had ~ that husband died. The person that he is now ... is truly a stranger to me. Always have H.O.P.E. (Hang On Pain Ends).


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2196 | Registered: Oct 2012
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

He said that love doesn't go away. But it can change

I agree with this, and to me this is proof that my XWH never truly loved me. As I've learned more about his NPD and more about him specifically, I now believe he isn't capable of real love for anyone. Not me, certainly not OW, not even himself.

When I realized all this, my love for him died. It didn't change, because what I felt for him WAS real. It died, because HE wasn't real. The man I loved and married was only a mirage.

It helps to view this like two separate men. The man you loved and the relationship you had with him are gone. You have to grieve it like a death.

The man that remains is not worthy of your time, your tears, or your love.

It hurts and it takes time, but you'll get there.

((renee21))

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 6:29 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 823 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Topic Posts: 13