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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Did any of u decide to divorce even when WS wanted to reconcile?
sad34
Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

My WS wants to reconcile but he's not putting in the full effort.
He complains when I ask to many questions, he gets upset and angry when I talk about certain things.
He gives me conditions like when we talk u shouldn't swear, or get upset etc.
It's sad to realize your marriage is over and it's hard with young kids. It's hard to realize they just don't get the hurt they have caused. That U reallize the person u committed your life to never really loved u:(


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Sure. Stbx would have been happy as a pig in a pig-sty if I had been willing to let him cake-eat for the rest of his life........


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I did.

XWH claimed he'd made a mistake and wanted to R.

But by that time I'd had enough IC and introspection that I realized I deserved way better -- even before the cheating.

It wasn't always easy, but it was definitely the choice that will give me the greatest chance for happiness in my life.

Absolutely no regrets.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3267 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Sure. Stbx would have been happy as a pig in a pig-sty if I had been willing to let him cake-eat for the rest of his life........

Ditto. EX would have continued on abusing me & the children under the guise of R. He had all new psychological vocabulary words to gussy up his arguments that always resulted in verbally beating me down and keeping me in my place. He would rather have stayed here and kept his money & bitched about me & the kids ruining his life, cheating us all out of happiness & peace.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9307 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
MollyJo
Member
Member # 18820
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Yep. He was in full-blown R, and I still couldn't take it.

He was the love of my life, fairy-tale level connection, 25+ year history. Or so he said. I couldn't take that despite all of his excuses and "regrets", HE chose to cheat. HE chose "him" over "us". Although I 100% believed--and still believe--that he was committed to R and would never have cheated again, I just couldn't reconcile "It's always been you, I was an idiot" with his behavior.

Bottom line is, he wasn't anything that i believed he was. WE weren't anything I believed we were. there was no unbreakable connection. Staying with him would have betrayed everything I believed about true love, and about my own value.


Me: BS Him: SOB OC born 9/08. We've split up but I still see him every day and the OW occasionally. Lost my whole life because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

Posts: 219 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Yes, he kept saying that he was going to make it right he just kept saying it, he never did anything to make it right. I filled, he said that he was still going to make it right. The divorce was finalized. He's still talking and not doing. I moved out. He's still talking and moving in with OW. Yup, he was all about making it right.


Me: 45 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 22, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1676 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Yeah I was offered the same half-ass R you are getting and realized it was only a matter of time before he cheated yet again

It is super painful, it''s another form of abuse how they put the onus on us to end the marriage and wonder if they ever would have been true, if your family could be saved.

I barely believe in R these days, especially with repeat offenders, but if he is being at all angry or defensive and anything but completely contrite and open - RUN!!! He''ll do it again!


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 935 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Sure. Stbx would have been happy as a pig in a pig-sty if I had been willing to let him cake-eat for the rest of his life........

The sad clown said he wanted to reconcile - what he meant was he wanted to rugsweep and just continue as we were. It suited him having a wife/family and having his whores on the side. It didn't suit me. It almost killed me.

I posted our Final S email exchange a while back - look how pretty his words are? They almost covered his ugly actions. Almost. We both gaslighted the fuck out of me so much that I was sick with worry that I was making a huge mistake. He cured me of that delusion once he realised the jig was up, I was no longer capable of lying to myself.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=500928&HL=35229

You'll see behind the mask once you close the bakery. Brace yourself.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5441 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Nope, mine didn't want to do the hard work to fix us. He wanted me to rug sweep. Him not trying was the best gift he ever gave me. Freedom!


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 636 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Yes. My XWH wanted to stay together, but honestly, I think it was only if I took all the blame and rugswept his behavior. He would not have tolerated having difficult discussions and accepting blame. Clearly, I was a frigid wife, and that's why he was forced to "have his needs met" (his words, not mine) with a stranger he met on a cheating site. I would have had to accept that and move on with life, pretending as though what he did had never happened (oh, and I'd also have to have lots of sex with him to make up for what a bad wife I had been).

Even if my XWH had been deeply remorseful, it was a dealbreaker for me. When I looked at him, I was repulsed. The feelings I had for him died when I found out. Our marriage was far from perfect, but the one thing I thought I could count on was being able to trust him. Once that was gone, that was it for me. That he could behave like I simply didn't exist-- using our money to buy meals and hotel stays for the OW, having sex without protection because of course the OW was "clean"-- well, he was showing me who he was, and thankfully, I found SI early on and told my close friends and family what had happened, so I had the support I needed to move forward with a D.

I would love to tell the OWife some day how he offered to beg me on "his hands and knees" to stay and that he was prepared to throw her under the bus but didn't because I threw him under it first, but I prefer treating her as though she's invisible, so I guess she'll never learn how much she truly meant to him and how she became his backup plan. As folks like to say on here, I'm glad that my XWH is the Owife's problem now!

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 6:31 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Oct 2011
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Gently, what you are describing is not reconciliation. It's sweeping it all under the rug and having his cake and eating it, too. You absolutely cannot have true reconciliation under those circumstances.

Hugs..


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
PhoenixRising88
Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Yep. He was in full-blown R, and I still couldn't take it.
He was the love of my life, fairy-tale level connection, 25+ year history. Or so he said. I couldn't take that despite all of his excuses and "regrets", HE chose to cheat. HE chose "him" over "us". Although I 100% believed--and still believe--that he was committed to R and would never have cheated again, I just couldn't reconcile "It's always been you, I was an idiot" with his behavior.

Right there with you MollyJo. I had what at least appeared to be a truly remorseful WH. But the damage caused was just too great for me to stay. Can't stay where I cannot trust, and WH is a particularly skilled liar.


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Yep. My STBXH wanted to R. He may have even been truly remorseful. But once I found out he'd slept with my best friend of 30+ years, I was done. There are some lines you just shouldn't cross, and some hurts just can't be undone.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1545 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Bottom line is, he wasn't anything that i believed he was.

This^^^

It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but those 20 years of his double life just did me in.

Much happier now.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17158 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
peacelovetea
Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Yup. We tried R for almost 3 years but I just couldn't live with his inability to step up. I got so tired of promises made and broken... that was what happened before the ONS and it continued after and I just was over it. I hated hated hated doing that to my kids but better than I thought for them and great for me. No regrets.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

It's called rugsweeping, and a clear sign that he will most likely do it again. Remember, actions speak louder than words.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3179 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Nope, mine didn't want to do the hard work to fix us. He wanted me to rug sweep. Him not trying was the best gift he ever gave me. Freedom!

^^^ This.

XH said (and I quote) "We'll get D'd, I'll do this (have A w/OW) then we'll get back together & get re-M'd".

XH gave me the greatest gift by denying any chance of R. As much as it hurts, I am thankful that he didn't drag me thru FR.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 731 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
sad34
Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Thank u all so much for replying. As always SI helps me when I need it!!!


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Just wanted to say thanks for this thread.
I know some weren't given the choice of R.
I was, but it really wasn't a choice of "R" but a choice of the continued promise of R, with the constant panic that action would not follow.

It was very hard to walk away knowing his words to me and the kids will always be "I know we could have made it work if you hadn't divorced me."

Is reconciliation always a gift? I know he was remorseful, but that doesn't mean he had the tools to fix the damage.

And I didn't want to spend the rest of my life waiting to find out.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
eyesrnowopen
Member
Member # 39055
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I am back on here tonight for the first time since Sept. In MC with an unremourseful and tonight I have decided I'm done. He wants to have more freedom because he hates asking my permission to go out. MC told him that considering my feelings was not asking permission. He stated he will let me know and consider my feelings but will not ask my permission.

The funny thing is I know I'm done. I am calm and don't have any doubts that this man will never get what he has done. I'm giving him his freedom. The sad part is he wants his freedom but also wants the marriage. Now he gets to tell our kids and everyone how he wanted R and I didn't. How unfair. At least if you didn't have a choice for R with your WS you can't get any blame. He loves to blame me especially to the kids.

WTF


This is the work within, having control over the outcome of our lives. Robert Bly refers to this as “Warrior work.” A warrior fights for a cause, something he believes in. As opposed to a soldier who merely fights for control – power or profit.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Apr 2013
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

eyes...
My response to anyone who asks if my XWS wanted R is this "yeah he said he wanted a lot of things, but he didn't show it."
Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.
But I do know exactly where you are coming from.
I told him the other day its like I came home to find our house reduced to ashes and him standing in the ruins saying "I know we can rebuild!" All the while he's flicking the lighter he used to torch our lives.

If you know he can't do the hard work it will be obvious to others in time as well.
If it isn't, it still isn't your problem.
(I keep telling myself the same thing. It is hard.)


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
keptmyword
Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Yes.

She kept up her deluded fantasy bullshit with her neurotic adultery partner even after d-day. She just tried to take it underground thinking I wouldn't know. I reached the point of no return and filed for divorce. Didn't say anything to her about it. I just filed without saying a word. Once she got served I started getting the tearful phone calls asking if we could fix this. No. Followed through with the divorce.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 355 | Registered: May 2012
whatdoto
Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, December 6th (Friday)

I did! XWH wanted to R, really bad, but he gave up on doing the real work about 6 mos. out from Dday. I gave him another 2-1/2 years to do something. I was a mess.

June 29, 2013 I gave up and filed.
Sept 25, 2013 I was D.
Oct 7, 2013 I moved into my new house with DS.

Right now, he is a ball of nothingness. Gave up on everything. Won't take care of himself, his place or even attempt to pay bills on time. Won't keep track of his weekends with DS. Just stopped. Sad.


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 23